x_winterlyfe_x Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Hey guys I'm a newb here, and thought I would ask for some advice from you fine people. I am 24, and have been married now for 4 years. We've known each other for 6. Things were wonderful at first (as things usually are when a relationship starts), but it seems as though things had begun to go downhill from the moment we got married. He doesn't seem very gung-ho about US anymore, and really only gets excited about things he'd like to do. He keeps to himself and I can hardly get a hug let alone a kiss when I get home from work. It's like he can't be bothered for basic things like these. If it doesn't have anything to do with his hobbies, he'll have nothing to do with it. He was so different before marriage. So loving. I never really ask for much...and I've always been told that marriage was a partnership...so this has me pretty upset. I'm not sure of what to do about this...I've tried to confront him about this on several different occasions, but it's always ended up in a gigantic fight, or he ends up throwing a fit and ignores me for days. He always counters my arguments with "So, what, you want a divorce?" Honestly, after 4 years of this crap, I've considered it more than once...I'm not saying I'm the easiest person to live with, though, don't get me wrong. I have my moments. Anyway, in relation to the forum...I made a friend that I think that I may have developed some feelings for...which makes me feel guilty as hell. I love my H but I'm afraid that I may have fallen out of love with him. It scares me that maybe I made a mistake in marrying young. I'm so confused and unsure of what to do. I have not cheated on H...but I have been talking to this other guy friend who has asked me to hang out with him, which essentially may be considered cheating by some people. I don't know who else to talk to about this. My mom and family live 8 hours away, and it seems a phone call about this might not suffice. Also, I don't think they would understand. Loneliness, guilt and confusion have gotten the best of me, so please, any help or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I'm not sure of what to do about this... I think you need to separate the issues. 1) Your M: what are you getting out of it, if anything? What's stopping you dumping your H and moving on? 2) Developing feelings for this guy: hanging out with someone as a friend needn't be "cheating", it would depend on how you saw him, and how your H saw the friendship. If you just hung out together the way you'd hang out with anyone, I don't see that as cheating. But if you're looking to him to provide emotional support and closeness you're not getting from your H, you're headed down a slippery slope where you'll invest intimacy (emotional or physical or both) in the "friendship" that would otherwise have belonged in the M... I reckon, unless the benefits (which you haven't listed) outweigh the feeling of emptiness in your M, dump your H and get a D. Then you'll be free to pursue whatever friendships - or more - with whomever you want, without wondering whether you're crossing some line or not. And if you DO decide to stay in the M, then discuss with your H the new friendship and how he feels about it. Maybe if he sees you getting some "hobbies" of your own on the side, he might feel more inclined towards sharing.
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Oh, and.... Hey guys I'm a newb here (forgive my manners:o) Welcome!
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I don't know who else to talk to about this. My mom and family live 8 hours away, and it seems a phone call about this might not suffice. Also, I don't think they would understand. Loneliness, guilt and confusion have gotten the best of me, so please, any help or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading. Well, as I see it, this whole thing revolves around your husband... so putting other people in the middle is just going to make your life suck and hurt everyone around you. Best to handle each issue individually. Next time he says "So, what, you want a divorce?" Tell him YES! Then tell him exactly why. Don't listen to what he comes back at you with... just leave. Call a lawyer and get things going. He will either come around if he values you... or not if he doesn't.
GPFan Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 No children yet? You have your get-out-of-jail-free card right there. Ultimatum time -- either he work with you on improving your marriage or you will begin a divorce action. Leave the other man alone for now. You will need all your personal energy and internal resources to deal with either improving your marriage or leaving it.
Darth Vader Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Whatever you do, don't cheat on your husband. It sounds like marriage counseling time! If he won't fix the marriage, then divoce him, before you check out another new guy!
Author x_winterlyfe_x Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Thanks for the feedback guys. No, I don't think I'm going to cheat on H. I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. Other guy is nice and all, and although I might have a crush on him, I first want to try and make the M work. Anyway, other guy aside, I guess my major problem right now is trying to figure out what to do about H and myself. I've tried to immerse myself in his hobbies, tried to interest myself in what he likes, to see if it would bring back the closeness we once had. However when I'm doing things I want to do, by myself, mind you, he asks why I'm being distant...I don't want to be the only one trying to make this work. He doesn't seem to care. If you asked him, nothing's wrong with the relationship. Also, we've already talked about me hanging out with different people, as friends, other guys included. Let's just say he's pretty adamant that I not spend time with guys. I think that not being allowed to spend time with who I want is the part that upsets me the most. I guess it's just me being selfish. I try to see it from his point of view, but is spending time with the opposite sex considered infidelity?
Darth Vader Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I think that not being allowed to spend time with who I want is the part that upsets me the most. I guess it's just me being selfish. I try to see it from his point of view, but is spending time with the opposite sex considered infidelity? Anytime with another guy other than your husband is a precursor of an affair(leading up to it). Anyway, how would you think and feel if your husband was doing this to you with another woman? There's your answer. Wouldn't you think he was taking away from the marriage? As long as OM is in the picture, you can't focus on your marriage.
Recommended Posts