I am full of emotion, the situation is so complex, and I love her

[LifeInBalance]

Recently, I've found myself in a very complicated situation, I have

weighed all the possibilities, and based on all of this, still feel

utterly helpless, let me begin:

 

I've known this girl for years, lets call her M. She was more of

an acquaintance then, but when I moved to the city she lived in to

work, our connections in the past brought us together.

 

In the relationship, I tried to stick to my guns with phrases like,

"you are responsible for your own happiness." I was so blind. I

am relatively insecure and sometimes (as we all do) get that

crushing feeling in your chest when something is wrong. I hate

this feeling. I have spent a lot of time addressing my mental

fortitude, so seeing despondent or depressive behavior scared me,

because I felt like it may transfer to me. One day, she was

feeling particularly despondent. I get a text from her while she

was under the covers telling me to come up, this was around 5PM,

she was there all day. Anyways, I go to her, and somehow, I end up

screwing it all up in some horrible attempt to deny emotions with

logic. And I said if you aren't happy with me, then thats that. I

didn't even know what I was saying. I was selfish as hell, but to

me, she was the selfish one for just wanting a little support.

 

I screwed up, I was so stupid. This is also a good time to add

that this was actually my FIRST emotionally involved relationship

(I was 24 at the time), so hold your laughter at this obvious

error.

 

A couple weeks later, she comes over with food from my favorite

restaurant, and wants to talk to patch things up. I go on about

how we would do our own things and stuff wouldn't change much (God

how stupid was I?), so it wouldn't be a good idea to get back

together.

 

Fastforward 1 year later:

 

So, while I am working, getting distracted, I spend a month at home

away from my town. A friend of mine from Germany comes into town,

and he has been with his girlfriend for about a year or more.

Well, if M wants sex, she knows she can get it, and he ends up

having sex with M, which is fine because we aren't together, but I

became so jealous. My friend has a girlfriend, this is seemingly

leading nowhere, as my friend had all intentions of leaving the

country again. So, I took the bitter pill, formed my resolve, and

I knew suddenly that I have to give her a second chance because she

could be gone forever. It became important to me after I saw old

home movies of my Dad and Mom prior to their divorce, and thought,

"why didn't you stick it out you selfish, selfish people."

 

I'm rambling. So, I am spending more and more time with M, she

casts me coy glances, touches me so sweetly and casually, and we

flirted constantly. We decorated her house, worked in her garden,

and I enjoyed every minute of it. Now, I start to sleep over. We

laid with each other, embraced, there were moments where time would just stop and I knew I was in love with this girl because all I cared about was

seeing her happy and simply laying beside her was all I could ask

for in this cruel, cold world. I knew I had to tell her I loved

her, that I want to be there for her this time (trust me, if you

knew me, you would know I was dead [COLOR=red]* [/COLOR][COLOR=red]* [/COLOR][COLOR=red]* [/COLOR][COLOR=red]* [/COLOR]ing serious and that this

wasn't just a way for me to just have a girl).

 

We go to a friends house to see a movie, it gets late, and its 2AM.

I am getting ready to take all my drunk friends to my house FROM

M's, and my friend from Germany says to us, "M, do you want to go

outside and talk?"

 

I thought it was my bud from Germany trying to pull something, but

he was serious sounding, and I HAD to take my other friend home, so

I told him that I had every intention of getting back together with

her, and that it was extremely important to me. I left, then the

next afternoon he comes to my house and explains to me that she got

pregnant during their fling a few weeks ago.

 

This is two days ago. So, he goes with her to get an abortion, I

want to call her, I want to tell her I love her, I want to pour my

soul out to her, offer myself on a platter of unconflicted comfort.

I send her a text saying "All my thoughts are with you. I will

always be there if you need me." Because I don't want to get too

heavy, I don't want to add to her burden, but I really do want her

to know that because she needs all the support she can get.

 

I learn that my friend from Germany thinks he is in love with her,

which I think is crap because he has a girlfriend, and if he

doesn't currently, won't say if they are still together or not. So I tell

him to call me because, well, I am genuinely worried, abortion is a

HUGE deal and really, sorta dwarfs my situation.

 

I want to let her know how I feel, I don't want to freak her out.

Right now, that guy who thinks he is in love with her is offering

all the comfort, and that really gets to me.

 

What should I do? I feel utterly helpless, and if I let her slip

through my fingers again, it will be one of my greater regrets. I

cannot let my Germany friend weasel his way in there. But I feel

so selfish for thinking about these things when shes going through

what she is. I've known her for years, him, a month. I just can't

sit back and let this happen, but I can't crowd her since this is a

life changing moment for her. There are so many factors at work

here, I just need some guidance.