nobleman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I am new to this forum and just wanted to get some advice from others faced with a similar situation or have overcome separation from spouse. I have been separated from my wife for over 4 months now. It wasn't until the last month did I realize things were not going to get better. Unfortunately or fortunate as it is, we have irreconcilable differences. I didn't want to abandon hope but reality set in for me. We independently have children from previous relationships/marriage and one between us. The kids from the previous relationship/marriage live with each parent separately, whereas the child from our wedlock is shared during the week. We each are moving steadily in different directions and the void is getting wider and wider. Each time I see her usually in exchanging our child, I look at her and she becomes more of a stranger. I usually get in my car and try to pull myself together because the separation in dropping off my child and the shock of looking at a stranger that used to be my wife are unbearable. I know of other parents and children in similar situations so I know it works but it is unbearable for me. It usually takes a couple of days for me to get over it. I feel lonely, depressed and unhappy which is usually not my typical state. The child living with me is just saddened at seeing his father in tears. When I come out of it, I am my normal self - happy, lively and excited about life until the next drop off. Can anyone give any advice or share how separation from one's child can get better? Thanks.
TrustInYourself Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 It's normal to feel that way. I cried too when I watched my wife drive off with our child for the first time, knowing I was going to be alone. How do you get over it? I don't think you ever do. I think you know in your heart what action is best for your situation. Stay strong it gets better.
onmyownagain Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Is there a way of avoiding seeing your ex? When I drop my daughter, the door isn't opened until I drive off, the same when my ex drops to me, I haven't seen or spoken to her since or split in January, text or email about financial or child related problems but that should be it.
Seeking Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Sorry for your situation... I am still earlier than you are. She is gone for a week now alone, no reason but to get away and be alone. When she returns, I beieve I have small chance she will stay or want to work it out. I dont know how to imporve th odds but maybe you have some advice... How did you deal with it , what did you do wrong or right? Is te Homer McDonald thing right? Sorry for entering your thread with questions, but maybe its godd for you to talk it out and me to listen ... thanks
Author nobleman Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Seeking, I realize my wife and I have had differences all along related to how we view some of the more serious matters related to our relationship, marriage and family. We both knew about them but hoped our love will carry us through but it didn't. In the end, the arguing, distrust and eventual separation was just the outcome of things unaddressed. I am seeing a therapist to help me through this rough spot and she agrees. She says, my wife and I are completely different. I want and model my life around a traditional model and my wife does not subscribe to those things. She is more free spirit and liberal. The domestic duties were left to me almost entirely. Picking up the slack was exhausting but on top of that, my wife disagreed with decisions and choices usually related to child rearing. She subscribes to a "split second" parenting approach where she only gets involved when it directly impacts her. I on the other hand believe in consistency and staying involved always. I am strict and firm but realize this must be coupled with tenderness, compassion and love. It is only now am I starting to breathe and recover. It is not a matter of wrong or right, rather it is what is best for you. From that you will be able to answer whether the situation you are in or are fighting for is worthwhile. As it is with me, it was very difficult for me to fall out of love with her. Only due to recent events have I just started to emotionally distance myself from her. I now can start visualizing this chapter in my life coming to a close and a new one about to open. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. The following quote seems appropriate for the situation we both share. "Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life." - The Weatherman (2005)
TrustInYourself Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I can tell you this. If your approach to your issues isn't working, change your approach. If your behavior isn't working, change your behavior. It's all about making small adjustments to help cope with the healing process. If you want to be one with your anger, go for it. Actions speak louder than words. Hell with words, do what you have to do. Even if that's accepting your wife needs space.
Seeking Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Accepting her having space I have now done, didnt have the choice, she left... comng back in few days, wish it was now. But anyway, my big fear isnt letting her go for a week, its the thought she may not return after it. I hate that thought and I am usually fine with the kids etc, through the night until I think of that one point... she may not return, she may not come back and say lets work on it.. she may say, Im sorry, I cant see it becoming better.
Author nobleman Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 This may work for you as it works for me... keep reminding yourself you were born into this life without your wife. Your relationship with your wife realistically was by choice. Time moves forward and once again you are forced to revisit your decision on commitment based on the situation you are in. You are not going back on your decision but based on the circumstances you have to do something. Think long and hard about this and listen to yourself. It takes time to reconnect with your inner voice. Trust me, I'm only starting. Ask yourself, "are you in love with your wife or are you in love with the idea of being married and in a relationship?"
TrustInYourself Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Accepting her having space I have now done, didnt have the choice, she left... comng back in few days, wish it was now. But anyway, my big fear isnt letting her go for a week, its the thought she may not return after it. I hate that thought and I am usually fine with the kids etc, through the night until I think of that one point... she may not return, she may not come back and say lets work on it.. she may say, Im sorry, I cant see it becoming better. So what if she says that. Is she confused, is she having to take time away to figure out what she wants? Does she honestly know herself? She doesn't know what she wants, lol. Honestly, who cares what she will say. What do you want? Take action on yourself to actualize what you want to happen. Have hope that no matter what, you will be happy, regardless of your wife's decision. It's not up to her whether you are happy and have hope and love life. It's up to you.
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