Can't deal with boyfriend leaving for 3 months

[HabitualDelirium]

So I've been going out with my BF for about a year and a half, and everything has been going fine up to this point. We're very supportive of eachother, have a great time with eachother, and just have been having an overall great relationship.

 

However, within the last month he decided to take a random job at some camp 8 hours away for all of summer (3 months), and I'm basically stranded back in the hometown without him. At first, I thought I'd be okay with it... that it's okay if he wants to take time away, he loves this camp since he's been going to it all of his youth... but I find myself getting more and more frustrated each day.

 

I feel frustrated that he so quickly choose to go away without really understanding how I would feel about it. I can barely imagine life without him, and when I tell him this, he tells me about how it's easy for him because he's had past relationships of spending time away from girlfriends, and that he understands life goes on if relationships end (he said this also in response to the fact that I told him I'm extremely afraid of our relationship ending because of this 3 month break).

 

I'm not sure what to do. I know I just need to suck it up, and just hold out while he's away. But I can't help but question whether he really values this relationship. He says he does, and says he needs a break from his family (he still lives at home), and not necessarily me. But the way he's going around things just makes it seems like I'm not the priority, that I'm just an extra tidbit to his life, and it doesn't bother him that he's leaving me for 3 months.

 

It's bothering me like crazy, though. I guess I just need some advice on how to judge this relationship... should I be mad at him for leaving? Or is this a very typical thing (this is my first big relationship, and the idea of this separation is killing me). How have you guys coped with temporary separation from your partners?

 

(It's bothering me so much that I feel irky saying "i love you" to him these days, and I get so angry whenever I think about him. I've been snapping him a lot more recently, too, and having images of myself punching him. Maybe its the switch in birth control that's making me moody...)

[bluepoppy]

First question - how old are you guys ? If he's at home and working just for summer I'm guessing high school or college, so young.

 

I can barely imagine life without him, and when I tell him this, he tells me about how it's easy for him because he's had past relationships of spending time away from girlfriends, and that he understands life goes on if relationships end (he said this also in response to the fact that I told him I'm extremely afraid of our relationship ending because of this 3 month break).

 

Does he know you think it's a serious relationship ? The life goes on statement sounds a bit causal. Does he want you to wait for him or not. ~ or is he, even worse, indifferent - happy to pick up again if you're there, when he gets back, will pick up someone else if your not.

 

Don't hang around without knowing how he feels - and it will be scary to sound him out, in case he says things you don't want to hear.

 

 

But I can't help but question whether he really values this relationship. He says he does, and says he needs a break from his family (he still lives at home), and not necessarily me. But the way he's going around things just makes it seems like I'm not the priority

 

next question - if he does value the relationship what will work for you, knowing that he needs some time away from home; work out what you need to feel valued whilst he's away - daily text messages - visits every other week ? Set expecations up front - will be easier for both. If he does value the relationship, he'll need stuff from you too.

 

 

How have you guys coped with temporary separation from your partners?

 

Personally I hate the separations and deal badly - we have a daily phone call thing (I hate the daily phone calls when we're away from each other, but that's what he wants), plus a few text messages we're we away from each other - I try and set up 'time for us' on returns which isn't much of a concern for him, so he knows that's my thing.

 

(It's bothering me so much that I feel irky saying "i love you" to him these days, and I get so angry whenever I think about him. I've been snapping him a lot more recently, too, and having images of myself punching him. Maybe its the switch in birth control that's making me moody...)

 

The frustation you have to keep to yourself - he's not going to miss someone who is moody and if you do sound it out and are able to move foreward with this - you need to make sure that the recent thoughts of you are good ones, not moody ones (which he'd be glad to get away from).

[HabitualDelirium]

Thanks for all the great advice.

 

First question - how old are you guys ? If he's at home and working just for summer I'm guessing high school or college, so young.

 

I'm 18 and he's 19. Yea, we're both young. And I'm rather inexperienced when it comes with dealing with relationships... Hope I don't mess this one up.

 

 

Does he know you think it's a serious relationship ? The life goes on statement sounds a bit causal. Does he want you to wait for him or not. ~ or is he, even worse, indifferent - happy to pick up again if you're there, when he gets back, will pick up someone else if your not.

 

We've definitely thought it out and both agree it's a very serious relationship. But like those conversations were about half a year back, so I'm not sure whether his views have changed. Also, you brought up a good point... I'm not very sure about how HE feels about the relationship. (So I'll be sure to ask him.)

 

At this point, I feel like it's only me worrying about the relationship. He acts confident and thinks nothing will happen over the 3 months, but his nonchalant attitude kind of concerns me and gives an aura of him not caring about the relationship as much. He keeps telling me that it's "up to me" what happens with this relationship. That if I want it to continue, tell him. If I don't, tell him. And that's the deciding factor.

 

But I get confused because I feel it's ALL up to me, and I'm not sure how to think. I feel upset at him, but I don't want to do something as rash as breaking up. I feel like I have all the responsibility of evaluating the relationship when it was his big decision to go away. Maybe I'm just overthinking it?

 

 

next question - if he does value the relationship what will work for you, knowing that he needs some time away from home; work out what you need to feel valued whilst he's away - daily text messages - visits every other week ? Set expecations up front - will be easier for both. If he does value the relationship, he'll need stuff from you too.

 

Very good suggestions that I will definitely followup on.

 

 

The frustation you have to keep to yourself - he's not going to miss someone who is moody and if you do sound it out and are able to move foreward with this - you need to make sure that the recent thoughts of you are good ones, not moody ones (which he'd be glad to get away from).

 

Yea, I feel that I've been doing the very thing you tell me not to do here. It's really hard to change the angry feelings I have (and that I feel are detrimental and immature). I definitely see how my moodiness is worsening the situation... I feel that by pushing him away it'll make the separation easier, but that's probably not what I really want... I'll try my best to change this behavior. We have one last weekend together... Hopefully I won't as moody as I was last weekend.

[sweetbutcheeky]

I feel frustrated that he so quickly choose to go away without really understanding how I would feel about it.

 

Did he talk about the idea with you before deciding to do it? If he didn't could that be part of what bothers you? You didn't have a say and he just told you he was going to be gone for 3 months?

 

Maybe your a little dependent on the relationship and being together? Maybe the time apart with be good for you, give you some time to do your own things, fill your time differently. Your only apart physically, not as a couple. Maybe you can visit?

 

It's bothering me like crazy, though. I guess I just need some advice on how to judge this relationship... should I be mad at him for leaving?

 

I don't think you should be mad at him for leaving. Mad at the situation maybe or that you didn't have any input or control over the situation?

 

I would look into the birth control, that could be causing part of your reaction.

[Krytie TV]

I personally back his decision 100%. Life is forever, relationships may not be. He needs to do what is best for him and his life at that age.

 

He should not be held accountable for you not having enough positive relationships to be entertained while he's away. There's nothing more smothering than being made to feel that you are someone's whole world. It gets a little heavy after a while.

 

Your relationships may never be the same again after 3 months, or it may be better. Either way, there is much life ahead of both of you. You should respect his decision to go away for what he is doing. It sounds very selfless for someone of his age.

[HabitualDelirium]

Did he talk about the idea with you before deciding to do it? If he didn't could that be part of what bothers you? You didn't have a say and he just told you he was going to be gone for 3 months?

 

Yea, he did tell me about the idea, he even offered for me to apply and I did, but I couldn't take the job offer because I have summer school. But like I guess it was kind of a chain of surprise.

 

Cause at first he said he'd visit me every weekend, and for me, he'd definitely do it. (I knew it was unrealistic at first cause it's an 8 hr drive). Then I told him he probably has to work weekends at camps... (then he looks into it... and does). So the idea of visits goes away. Then I told him he has to at least call me, and he said okay. (Then he realizes there probably won't be reception later). Then I said e-mail. He said okay. (Then he said, he'll try but there's only internet in the lounge and he'll be busy.)

 

So it became the idea of 3 months with visits to like... 3 months of difficult e-mails/phone-calls. I guess it sucked getting disillusioned like that. And most of these things he didn't bother to think about beforehand. It was all kind of me. I guess I'm just bothered by how he doesn't think ahead sometimes.

 

Maybe your a little dependent on the relationship and being together? Maybe the time apart with be good for you, give you some time to do your own things, fill your time differently. Your only apart physically, not as a couple. Maybe you can visit?

 

I don't think you should be mad at him for leaving. Mad at the situation maybe or that you didn't have any input or control over the situation?

 

I would look into the birth control, that could be causing part of your reaction.

 

Yea, now that I think about it, I'm a lot more tolerant about it. I was just being immature I guess. Thanks for waking me up, guys. I needed an outsider's view I guess. I mean, it's not like I don't have anything to do in the summer... I'm just gonna miss him like crazy, I guess.

 

And sometimes definitely up with the birth control. Been switching for the last half year.

[HabitualDelirium]

He should not be held accountable for you not having enough positive relationships to be entertained while he's away. There's nothing more smothering than being made to feel that you are someone's whole world. It gets a little heavy after a while.

 

Your relationships may never be the same again after 3 months, or it may be better. Either way, there is much life ahead of both of you. You should respect his decision to go away for what he is doing. It sounds very selfless for someone of his age.

 

Yea, good points. I guess I'll take some pressure off of him. He babies me a lot. And this was kind of a random reversal on his part, and it shocked/disillusioned me. Being away from him the past couple of days made it easier, though, as well as the points on this forum helped cleared things up. I guess being with him and knowing he'll leave soon made me irritable and sad. I just have to get over the fact that he can't baby me forever, and I can't expect it anymore.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Cause at first he said he'd visit me every weekend, and for me, he'd definitely do it. (I knew it was unrealistic at first cause it's an 8 hr drive). Then I told him he probably has to work weekends at camps... (then he looks into it... and does). So the idea of visits goes away. Then I told him he has to at least call me, and he said okay. (Then he realizes there probably won't be reception later). Then I said e-mail. He said okay. (Then he said, he'll try but there's only internet in the lounge and he'll be busy.)

 

I mean, it's not like I don't have anything to do in the summer... I'm just gonna miss him like crazy, I guess.

 

For sure I understand how it's going to be hard missing him and not being able to do things together.

 

It does concern me that he didn't think about how you will keep in touch, almost seemed like he didn't think about keeping in touch at all. It was all you asking him to. hmmm