MrsHellnoFire Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 He's going to use your lies for rationalizing his bar-hopping behavior unfortunately. Sounds like he resents you and like everyone else says, will blame you as an excuse to exit. I mean, there is a child involved and $5700 in debt should not be a deal-breaker in a marriage. It's really pathetic that he claims his love is gone for you because of money issues. I guess he never really loved you in the first place or it has been dying for sometime. But let's give it some time! Maybe this is just his anger speaking.
Mary3 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 He's going to use your lies for rationalizing his bar-hopping behavior unfortunately. Sounds like he resents you and like everyone else says, will blame you as an excuse to exit. I mean, there is a child involved and $5700 in debt should not be a deal-breaker in a marriage. It's really pathetic that he claims his love is gone for you because of money issues. I guess he never really loved you in the first place or it has been dying for sometime. But let's give it some time! Maybe this is just his anger speaking. I love this post !
LakesideDream Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 He's going to use your lies for rationalizing his bar-hopping behavior unfortunately. Sounds like he resents you and like everyone else says, will blame you as an excuse to exit. I mean, there is a child involved and $5700 in debt should not be a deal-breaker in a marriage. It's really pathetic that he claims his love is gone for you because of money issues. I guess he never really loved you in the first place or it has been dying for sometime. But let's give it some time! Maybe this is just his anger speaking. This is really ridictulous. If my ex would have come to me with something like this, a long term debt of a couple of months income, told me she hadn't "fessed up" before marriage and was sorry about it..... I would have called the grandparents to babysit, taken her out to a great dinner and overnight in a luxury hotel where I would have made love to her for hours. My problem was the ex could never "admit" anything. Anything included her giving her vagina to a boyfriend through the majority of our marriage. The OP's husband needs to butch up and take care of business... "for better or worse" like he promised. Using the debt for leverage, and as an excuse to degrade and emotionally abuse her is ridictulous.
Gwyneth Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 he has now told me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he does want a divorce but right now we can't divorce because financially we are better off living as roommates.. What an A**hole!!!!! Sounds like you're better off without this guy. He'll be in for a rudeawakening when someday someone lies to him about something that will actually break his heart. It's not like you cheated on him. He can be angry, but to say he wants a D??? WTF???? Go ahead and give him his divorce. Any debt accumulated during your marriage will be split anyway, so you'll be better off financially. And find yourself a man who will love you for who you are--not for how much debt you aren't in. What a punk this guy is. But next time, don't lie about your debt. A man has to love you for you--not for your $$$$$.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 It looks like the OP is long gone, but sad&sorry and others can gain insight from this thread. I was on the receiving end of significant financial infidelity and the two that really hit home are: Jmargel It's the lying that really hurts the most. Although I can understand why, that doesn't make it right. He shouldn't support you like he does a child. When things like this happen, it becomes a parent-child relationship, not one that a marriage can work on. Curmudgeon … it comes down to measures of character, integrity and trust. People may be surprised that the dynamics of financial and romantic infidelity are very similar. Look up the statistics of what causes most divorces. Many of the questions from the Betrayed Spouse (BS) are the same. Notice the trend here from those that had to deal with financial infidelity. Immediately it’s the lies and deception they focus on, not the money. The BS gets to wonder if they committed themselves to a compulsive or pathological liar. Then ask themselves if their entire relationship/marriage has been nothing but a lie. If the person that perpetrated these acts does not take ownership, then what’s the point of even trying to rebuild trust? What else will they (or have already) be willing to hide from you, lie about, and deceive? So, the betrayed husband must be a jerk, a-hole, and she would be so much better off without him. It’s just about the money. So very helpful. Since he is a man, he should just take this on the chin and move on, right? I should not be (but am) surprised by this on a blog that is supposed to offer guidance and assistance to those in need. As for the OP, yes her husband is taking the easy way out by not working hard to fix and make the marriage succeed. Suggestion, look at root cause, not the symptoms. Sad&sorry, your husband is in a very delicate situation right now. Do not let him grow more bitter by letting his imagination and anger put a wall between you two. Engage him (communication), and if this is the case, assure him the debt is the only thing that you have lied about. Silence right now will only grow mistrust. Please consider individual and marriage counseling
sad&sorry Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 thanks Land for your words of advice. I agree with all that you have said. Like I said in my post, it has only been a week since this secret came out. He was fine for the first 3 days then Monday - he came home from work and was very cold and when I appoached him he told me he wasn't sure he could talk to me yet. But we need to talk about this together. Like all people - left to his own mind - this already big problem, will only become bigger. Our lack of communication is one of the reasons we are in this situation. And yes - the debt is the only thing I have lied about but like all lies - it is a web of many lies. I plan on talking to him about it this weekend but our daughters have a weekend long softball tournament (6 games, ugh!) and as usual, I don't know when we can find the time. but I am paying attention to him and truly understand his anger. The only disapointment is that at first when i told him - he was so understanding and supportive and said "we will get throught this together" I was so positive that we would get through it and our mariage would get stronger because of this. this would be the start of better communication between us. but now he is off on his own and wont really talk about it. But that may change, I guess. I thought of counseling, but again it's only been a week. May I ask, how things ended up for you? thanks again for your post! It helped a lot.
Land_Of_The_Lost Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Sad&Sorry: May I ask, how things ended up for you? In my circumstance, I realized something was not right. I have been cheated on in a previous LTR and that ‘gut’ feeling was there. My wife had withdrawn from me and there was a severe lack of communication, emotional intimacy or reciprocated affection. I was working hard to build those back into our relationship (I always had), but there was very little success. We had many conversations (always initiated by me) about how we could improve our marriage, emphasizing if there was anything she would like to discuss. Nope, everything was just fine. After countless failed attempts, I came to the conclusion it would never get better and emotionally withdrew from the marriage. Regardless of the ‘why’, in my mind the end result was the same. I was preparing to ask for a separation until she came clean about the hidden debt. That was over a year ago. My wife and I are still together and both of us work to improve our marriage everyday. One of the main things that helped me is absolute openness and honesty from my wife. No exceptions. If she tells me the shirt I am wearing makes me look like a dork, great!! She thinks my religious views are jaded and skewed? Fine. That’s what I need. To start with, that meant access to all account ID’s and passwords, cell phone, etc. I needed reassurance (including verbal) there was nothing else she was hiding from me. A big part of my personal growth came from some of the wisdom I read here at LS. I really struggled with the fact that the person I trusted unconditionally (yes, I know it’s naive) had this kind of ability to hurt me. I felt the need to recapture the unquestioned trust I had before. Fact is, I needed to (and still do) grieve the loss of the person I thought I knew. My unrealistic perception that my wife could never intentionally hurt me is rightfully gone. Together we are building a functional and acceptable level of trust that is based on the awareness we can be hurt most by those we love. sad&sorry – I hope your talk went well. You sound empathetic and truly sorry. Please keep in mind that part of the healing process is to also forgive yourself. When your husband sees your eyes he will be looking for strength and understanding, not pity and remorse.
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