Author HopePhil Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 She was just in a fender bender. She is ok. I was the first person she contacted.
Author HopePhil Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Or as likely, Hope + Uncertainty = Distress = Desire killer I like knowing a man is into me. I don't like being unsure. It makes me rather hostile and volatile, not desirous. Carrot This is my ex-wife's thing. Again, the main reason I 'lost' her was because I was not there for her. I have been there for her since we have started talking and she is showing me attention more and more. We have started FWB and it seems to be going well. I got more sexual interest and response from her when we had sex a few nights ago than I did for 90% of our marriage. She desires me now. She tries to hide it behind words, but her actions say otherwise. I really do not think my ex-wife wants anyone else. I think she wants me, she is just too scared to admit it. I am not worried. I am happy with what I have now, especially being able to see my son much much more.
carrotgirl Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 This is my ex-wife's thing. Again, the main reason I 'lost' her was because I was not there for her. Phil, I would say the ultimate reason you lost her then was because at that point in her life, choosing anything but you was more attractive than choosing you. At this point in her life you are more attractive to her than lots of other things. It's observable and it is. It might last. It might not. We don't get guarantees as you know much better than I do. Just remember to put your emotional and spiritual well-being first. This isn't selfish. This is self-preserving. Your ex can, and will, take care of herself. And if you can, try to stop having her side of the unspoken conversation in your head? Okay? Carrot
Author HopePhil Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Phil, I would say the ultimate reason you lost her then was because at that point in her life, choosing anything but you was more attractive than choosing you. At this point in her life you are more attractive to her than lots of other things. It's observable and it is. It might last. It might not. We don't get guarantees as you know much better than I do. Just remember to put your emotional and spiritual well-being first. This isn't selfish. This is self-preserving. Your ex can, and will, take care of herself. And if you can, try to stop having her side of the unspoken conversation in your head? Okay? Carrot That part is hard for me. I really like what you have had to say, Carrot. Thank you. I feel like you are understanding the most of how I feel. At one point in time, I was not reliant on my ex-wife. My everyday life was 'better' without her, but I learned, especially through the separation, that i depended on her MUCH MORE than i thought. So, as the contact with her increases, so does my 'want' to be around her. She knows this, because every time we see ourselves getting closer, she backs off. haha Like for this weekend, she informed me she wants all day tomorrow to her self. No big deal, I understand, but the last few days, we have been getting close and it even happened about a week ago (or a few dyas more than that)... thats when i backed off after she turned me down and then she invited me over for dinner. Looks like I will be backing off again.
carrotgirl Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 That part is hard for me. I really like what you have had to say, Carrot. Thank you. I feel like you are understanding the most of how I feel .... Looks like I will be backing off again. Aww. It's the difference between a friend and everyone else: the friend jumps into the hole with you because s/he's been there before and knows a way out. (Even a virtual friend that isn't really a for real IRL friend but could be if we weren't all virtual. ) Just so you know, I reached this decision myself yesterday too and I'm giving my fat-bottomed Kung Fu Panda some space for his bad ninja self. You're not alone in this. Nope. All kinds of people are getting space this week! Carrot.
awkward Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I am actually with badbrit on this one. Spend time with your son. Get a new hobby. Hang out with your friends. Paint your house. Or just be honest and tell her you need no contact while you get over her. You think you are getting your cake and eating it too, but it is she who is getting that. If you want her for the long haul, IMO FWB is the worse strategy to use. She knows you love her and want her. She knows you want to reconcile. Badbrit is basically advising you to work on yourself. Give yourself some time while she figures out what she wants. Many years ago my husband and I separated. We were young with a child and fought over many things so I left him. He wanted to get back together so bad that I never had a fear of completely losing him. Then ... he changed. He still talked with me on the phone but he wasn't there for me emotionally at my whim. I started wondering what he was doing. Then I wondered if another woman was going to end up with my guy. I had to discover that I could not live without him. It took me some time but eventually I realized it. When I finally came to my senses, he was there for me. Fast forward many years later, we are still happily married. If I had not had that time, I don't know where we would be today. I know you are going with your gut, and I don't expect you to change your strategy because of my advice. I just wanted to share my experience with you. I truly hope it works out with your family.
tommiw Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I am actually with badbrit on this one. Spend time with your son. Get a new hobby. Hang out with your friends. Paint your house. Or just be honest and tell her you need no contact while you get over her. You think you are getting your cake and eating it too, but it is she who is getting that. If you want her for the long haul, IMO FWB is the worse strategy to use. She knows you love her and want her. She knows you want to reconcile. Badbrit is basically advising you to work on yourself. Give yourself some time while she figures out what she wants. Many years ago my husband and I separated. We were young with a child and fought over many things so I left him. He wanted to get back together so bad that I never had a fear of completely losing him. Then ... he changed. He still talked with me on the phone but he wasn't there for me emotionally at my whim. I started wondering what he was doing. Then I wondered if another woman was going to end up with my guy. I had to discover that I could not live without him. It took me some time but eventually I realized it. When I finally came to my senses, he was there for me. Fast forward many years later, we are still happily married. If I had not had that time, I don't know where we would be today. I know you are going with your gut, and I don't expect you to change your strategy because of my advice. I just wanted to share my experience with you. I truly hope it works out with your family. Finally a living example of NC and second chances! Thank you for your story
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