I am 'HopePhil'

[sultry33]

hi phil been following your thread.. hopeful

 

i too think you was there too much for her, maybe it was because of your son but you need to be a little less avaliable..maybe not no contact but just be busy now an then.. keep meetings brief with her but not with your son..

 

i got angry with my ex for letting me down.. i said whats the point in all this.. he did responde better and we saw each other the following night..

its tough as you said you want her to know this time you wont let her down.. but you may be trying too hard.. it takes 2 to be back together.

 

i have told my ex this.. i said we both must want this for it to work.. i do.. now its up to him.

i have kissed 2 guys and he knew.. must have hurt him but he has to realise that im worth fighting for and others are interested in me..

he did ask where i got the steak from? he said butchers? was inquiring if id been on a date i think.. but i said yeah butchers;)

i could have said no a date.. but hey i couldnt.

 

as brad says... be less avaliable.. more of a mystery..

good luck x

[sultry33]

I dont know what to do. I dont want to go full NC, because I still want to be her friend, but I dont want to just see her a couple of times a month....

 

As for sparking desire, I really do not see how that could happen. I dated a woman for 2 months. She tried the things you are telling me to do and they did nothing to make me like her more. Some of the things actually made me dislike her.

 

History is truly repeating itself. When was 19-22, periodically I would tell her my feelings. How much I wanted to mean something to her and how much I cared. She didnt like it and it made her uncomfortable. She just wanted to be friends. I was. It was when her dad had a heart attack that I was there for her. Not sure how that made her love me.

 

I was so stupid to ignore her.

 

It's like that song from The Calling - Wherever You Will Go. There is one part in the song that tears me up - "If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go." I wish I could do that. She loved me SO much then and would have done ANYTHING for me. I was SO dumb.

 

sometimes you need a balance.. nc is hard to do.. maybe less contact is best for you;) its what works for me.. not got him back but have not lost him yet either

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

(Oh, thought I would throw in. Several people mentioned I should change my name when i used this name. I didnt think I should because I WAS losing my dream girl. But when we started talking again and I became hopeful... I thought it would be a good time to chage, but I think this name is the best for me.........)

[TrustInYourself]

I feel the need to reprint this that I wrote which was ignored Phil.

 

What you have been doing, how you have been acting and then "cracking" as you did had only one possible result - the one you had.

 

It is all about human nature as I have already said. Screw "NC her face off" and the rest of the sentiments on those lines, this is totally you failing to follow the correct rules of engagement. Nothing you did was "attractive" and none of it did anything to meet her passion requirements, nothing you did would spark desire. If anything, it would only dampen it down further.

 

There are methods to use and you did not use one of them, not one and in fact did the exact opposite - you gave her all she wanted without her having to give you anything in return. You were available, at her beck and call, her friend, clearly wanting more, clearly available, acting weak and needy, soft and nothing like a "leader" or alphamale to stoke her fires.

 

I did try warning of this and you should have listened and changed tactics but instead you did the worse thing possible by voicing your feelings and pushed her further away.

 

However i am not here to lecture you and play "I told you so", I have just explained it so that you can see what you did wrong.

 

What you should of done was start to break arrangements to see her occasionally. Give no explanation why (let her mind make her wonder and the power of that will drive her crazy and kick in "right of possesion" and losing it would kick in some desire), stop touching her feet and all that rubbish, be there, friendly, try some reflective listening but mix in some aloofness, UNDERstay your welcome (more is achieved in short bursts making someone want MORE than is achieved through hours of being there and nice), make her suspect you MAY be dating someone else or at least looking and open to it, do not do little jobs for her, get your heart off your sleeve and make her not sure how you feel, blow hot and cold (as she gets used to you pulling away and starts to get driven mad by it you suddenly blow hot briefly with being available and ultra nice), break habits and patterns and be a little unreliable (woman say they hate that, but come on now, they fall for Mr Unreliable and hard to read), give her a challenge.

 

Up to you what you do know. All I will say is that your actions dictated only one result and you had it. Want to walk away then walk away, want to be smart and learn from this and use some commonsense then do it.

 

Are you suggesting that he take actions to manipulate her feelings? How is that the correct action? NC will allow you to kill that needy little bitch inside that asks for more more more. LC may be the more appropriate choice. It's simpler to say "NC her face off", rather than list actions and reasons for her reactions based on human nature. They may be accurate, then again they may not be. If you listen to his wife, who instigated this course of action, she said she wanted to be friends. NC/LC will allow Phil to reach an emotional perspective where he can be just friends.

[ahah2322]

i'm a girl and i'm with badbrit.

 

i am very attracted to someone who doesn't NEED me. (or at least bother to act it)

 

play it cool, phil. she still likes you, obviously. she has her reservations. but trust me, once she desires you, the reservations will take a backseat. and you guys can work on that later.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

i'm a girl and i'm with badbrit.

 

i am very attracted to someone who doesn't NEED me. (or at least bother to act it)

 

play it cool, phil. she still likes you, obviously. she has her reservations. but trust me, once she desires you, the reservations will take a backseat. and you guys can work on that later.

 

She did ask 3 (maybe 4) times if I wanted to stop seeing her. She asked 2 times in text (they were her first 2 questions, repeating it again since i didnt answer the first time) and she asked once, that I know for sure, while we were talking on the phone.

 

I told her I didnt know. I am going to take a step back... at least for my own sanity. And i will date again. I dont have any problems getting the girls.....

 

cept the one I want.

[HopePhil]

Back to this name now... because I am hopeful again.

 

She says she might want to do friends with benefits... which surprises me and relieves my heart. Its like having my cake and eating it too. She says she does not want any guys right now, but does not care if i date. She just wants sex with someone she can trust and knows.

 

She has not decided yet, but I know how my ex-wife is... when she says maybe, its pretty much a yes.

 

Is it sad that I have switched trains of thought. I have gone from the lovable, "I want to be there for you", desperate ex-husband to the "you want me to Eff you and thats it? OK!" ex-husband....

 

It really surprises me how ...happy?.. I am

[TrustInYourself]

lol damn right. Do that shyt and be hopephil. Pull the beef jerky and soda out and laugh at her.

 

PS- Date some women and tap them on the side. Use protection.

[McLovely]

Are you dating other women and putting yourself out there? Or are you hanging on to any shred of false hope that you'll reconcile with your hot and cold ex-wife?

[HopePhil]

No, I am still dating. I went out this weekend and talked to a group of girls with one of my friends. I did not ask for her number. After the night was over, I was just not interested.

 

I am not the kind of guy to bang any skinny girl who will give it up. I really want to like the girl and for her to like me.... which is why I am all for having sex with my ex. Its just comfortable.

[TrustInYourself]

No, I am still dating. I went out this weekend and talked to a group of girls with one of my friends. I did not ask for her number. After the night was over, I was just not interested.

 

I am not the kind of guy to bang any skinny girl who will give it up. I really want to like the girl and for her to like me.... which is why I am all for having sex with my ex. Its just comfortable.

 

Good for you. Don't rush anything. Go out, but I'm not sure I would date unless you felt comfortable doing that. After some time I'd be curious what the future holds with your exwife.

[McLovely]

No, I am still dating. I went out this weekend and talked to a group of girls with one of my friends. I did not ask for her number. After the night was over, I was just not interested.

 

I am not the kind of guy to bang any skinny girl who will give it up. I really want to like the girl and for her to like me.... which is why I am all for having sex with my ex. Its just comfortable.

 

 

I guess you are ok with being used. I guarantee this isn't going to lead to a reconciliation.

[HopePhil]

Well, I did take other's advice and back off when people told me I should. After she told me she did not want a relationship, I was heart broken. Since then, I have not asked her for dinner. This was the first weekend since we have started talking that we did not hang out. Thursday night was the last night I saw her (besides this morning when I dropped my son off to see her). She asked me to dinner this Thursday night. She has been the one asking me if I still wanted to talk to her in text and she has even called a couple of times, even though just a few weeks ago she told me she did not want to talk on the phone because that is what her job requires and she is 'tired of it'.

 

I am a 'Glass is half full' kind of person. I always try and see the best in everyone. Even with the things she has said and done in the past, I still see her as a good person and someone I would want to be with. Its hard for me to pass something like that up.

[McLovely]

You need to date other normal women and forget about this emotional headcase.

[HopePhil]

You need to date other normal women and forget about this emotional headcase.

 

This makes me laugh. All of the girls I dated were all head cases. Seriously. I think, to an extent, we all are.

[badbrit]

Phil, mate, friend please listen to me here.

 

If you have ANY long term chance with the ex, it is doing what I said and doing what you have already started. She has had all the power up to now and you have taken it back if you remain strong and consistant. I am not saying life should be power games but she has had all the power over you and both your lives.

 

You cannot do this for a week or two then break and hang out, pour out your heart and act needy. Need to be consistant, less available, turn down invitations and offers and do not get sucked into explaining why. If it does not work, nothing will, trust me on that. You have shown that you can be available, at her beck and call, put her first, hang out and be nice etc but it got you nowhere so clearly that is NOT the true issue.

 

She may start acting weird - angry, withdrawn, even look not bothered, try and scare u by suggesting she is going to move on and date, she may become bitter but ride the storm. Any emotional response whatsoever is positive to the situation LONG TERM.

 

She may try to talk to you, ask why you are saying no, may even try and reel you back in as safety net with some well chosen words of hope but do not fall for them. Follow actions and not words.

 

She may try to get you into bed as women know we are suckers for that, do NOT do it. Do not seek instant gratification, sacrifice it for long term winning. If she tries talking, asking what is happening etc etc, your ethos is to be vague, mysterious and basically just replying with, "I am just enjoying the life, myself and getting on with things." Do NOT explain why eg "because you do not want me......you dumped me....because I cannot have you.....i would prefer to have you etc etc", do not give her the knowledge or power.

 

The replies if asked should now always be along lines of projecting this - "I am just living my life, enjoying myself, having fun" etc She may never want you and might not care but I promise she will care and fear ONE thing - losing the OPTION of having you.

 

You also HAVE to look strong, happy, upbeat, indepedent, indifferent, genuinely not bothered either way any more, looking like moving on and importantly RELAXED.

 

Good luck, do whatever you want, it is your life, this is my opinion though and I stand by it 100%

[TrustInYourself]

Phil, mate, friend please listen to me here.

 

If you have ANY long term chance with the ex, it is doing what I said and doing what you have already started. She has had all the power up to now and you have taken it back if you remain strong and consistant. I am not saying life should be power games but she has had all the power over you and both your lives.

 

You cannot do this for a week or two then break and hang out, pour out your heart and act needy. Need to be consistant, less available, turn down invitations and offers and do not get sucked into explaining why. If it does not work, nothing will, trust me on that. You have shown that you can be available, at her beck and call, put her first, hang out and be nice etc but it got you nowhere so clearly that is NOT the true issue.

 

She may start acting weird - angry, withdrawn, even look not bothered, try and scare u by suggesting she is going to move on and date, she may become bitter but ride the storm. Any emotional response whatsoever is positive to the situation LONG TERM.

 

She may try to talk to you, ask why you are saying no, may even try and reel you back in as safety net with some well chosen words of hope but do not fall for them. Follow actions and not words.

 

She may try to get you into bed as women know we are suckers for that, do NOT do it. Do not seek instant gratification, sacrifice it for long term winning. If she tries talking, asking what is happening etc etc, your ethos is to be vague, mysterious and basically just replying with, "I am just enjoying the life, myself and getting on with things." Do NOT explain why eg "because you do not want me......you dumped me....because I cannot have you.....i would prefer to have you etc etc", do not give her the knowledge or power.

 

The replies if asked should now always be along lines of projecting this - "I am just living my life, enjoying myself, having fun" etc She may never want you and might not care but I promise she will care and fear ONE thing - losing the OPTION of having you.

 

You also HAVE to look strong, happy, upbeat, indepedent, indifferent, genuinely not bothered either way any more, looking like moving on and importantly RELAXED.

 

Good luck, do whatever you want, it is your life, this is my opinion though and I stand by it 100%

 

I wouldn't suggest manipulating the situation. Do the ends justify the means? I could not love someone, if I knew the only reason they came back to me was because they feared losing me as an option.

 

Sure, this is valid and sound advice. But you should be doing this for yourself, not your wife. I agree with this, as long as your motivation isn't reclaiming your wife's love, but reclaiming yourself.

 

Sex without meaning will just hurt the both of you. It feels good, but for a healthy relationship to occur, you have to put the horse before the cart. Build on the emotional and the physical will come along naturally. If you can handle spending time with her, I'd do that.

[badbrit]

It is not manipulating the situation any more than wearing a nice shirt and new aftershave on a date. Blimey, go to any shop and you will see a string of magazine front pages for chicks on how to keep their man, get their man back, lit his fires etc etc. They been doing it for years.

 

All it is is doing things that give the best chance of getting someone back and understanding human nature and how it works.

[carrotgirl]

No, I am still dating. I went out this weekend and talked to a group of girls with one of my friends. I did not ask for her number. After the night was over, I was just not interested.

 

I am not the kind of guy to bang any skinny girl who will give it up. I really want to like the girl and for her to like me.... which is why I am all for having sex with my ex. Its just comfortable.

Phil, I've been following and see a lot of supportive advice from badbrit and I can see where TIY is coming from too. I think badbrit is trying to help you regain your own sense of personal power, not power over your ex, though it does read like that somewhat and that perception might be what has TIY's feelers dancing...

 

As far as dating other women and dating your ex, your ex doesn't have to know what your exact interest level in other women is. She only needs to know that you're a normal guy with normal interests, as in "I'm a red-blooded male. [smile] Everything works. [smile and wink] I'm having fun."

 

Carrot

[HopePhil]

Kind of in response to all of you, but without itemizing it:

 

I will do my own thing when it comes to 'getting her bacl'. I will follow my gut. Like I had originally posted, I will not (well, I will try very hard not to) follow advice. I got her in the first place by following my gut.

 

I know that if you 'play games' it wont. work. I tried doing this with most of the women I was dating and it didnt work on any of them, or i just didnt like them. When i was myself, did what i wanted when i wanted... I had a girl fall for me 100% and could have kept her... but I started noticing she was playing games...

 

(saying she was seeing someone when she really wasnt. I know she wasnt because she said he was making her happy and hinting at I should get her before he does... I let 'him' have her. She called me a week later saying 'it didnt work out'... she did other things too...)

 

Anyways, i HATED that she was playing games. She was trying to do to me what some of these people have said I should do to my ex... I am going to be myself. She will care for me no matter what i do if she truly cares and wants to be with me.

[Gatormaniac]

Follow your gut, Phil. Just go without expectations. Otherwise, you're walking the highwire without a net. I sincerely hope it works out for you!

[ate_the_paint]

Phil, I think brit is trying to help you gain control over yourself. It really has nothing to do with her. Let's look at the situation:

 

You've been pining over her for a long time now.

 

You've been voicing every feeling and hope and fear you have to her.

 

You've made it quite clear that you really, really want her to give you a second chance.

 

Now, you seem like a really sweet guy who cares a lot about reconciling your marriage, but let's look at what all of the above have got you.

 

Nothing. The situation HAS NOT CHANGED! Not one bit. And I'm not only talking about your ex's attitude towards you. I'm also talking about the fact that you are now living in a spiral of hell. You are wondering and waiting and hurting every moment of every day, and this is not good for you.

 

Brit is trying to help you; he's not trying to give you a game plan to trick your wife into coming back. She'll do whatever she pleases (as is obvious).

 

Follow brit's advice and help yourself. Get rid of some of that emotional turmoil you're going through. Go NC for a bit. If she calls then pick up the phone and chat or whatever. But don't call her. And don't get emotional on her.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but I am doing that exact thing right now and it is helping me A LOT.

[badbrit]

Phil, I am not talking about playing games, I am talking about what is right for you which also increases the chances of getting back with your wife.

 

You may think your way is right but my saying is simple, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

 

Why not learn from people who have a million times more experience than you (Not me, I am not that egotistical but from relationship recovery experts who have councilled a combined tens of thousand people in your situation). All i am talking about is stuff that I have learnt from reading books, scouring the internet, being part of another forum for over two years and have seen success only from these methods and terrible situations suddenly or slowly change through them and I can relate to every situation I read on this forum. I have read about it, done it myself, seen others do it to great success, councilled friends with small pieces of it at times and seen it work, I have been on a forum with people and seen it work for them, I have read here of how it works. The proof is in the eating and I have seen a high percentage of people like you with your mindset fail compared to a lower percentage of ones who act like I suggest

 

This forum, cutting through the individual snippets and situations and peoples personal slant on situations have common threads. Ones who have purposely or accidentally followed the principles have had greater success with the exes AND greater success with themselves all round and that is the important part.

 

The best thing about the tactics and philosophy I subscribe strongly to is that even if it does not get the ex back, it has pulled you back so far and made you so independent that it will not be such a emotional problem to not have the ex back. It is about living YOUR life, looking after YOURSELF, being indepedent, not at their beck and call, hanging on their every word, not showing need, desire or clinginess, getting your own interests, not saying things (heart on sleeve) which leads to long emotional talks that hurt you etc. Now that stuff will make YOU stronger, help YOU move on and luckily, if anything is going to raise your attraction to the ex, this will do it. It is proven to be 100's of times more successful than the "traditional" buying flowers, hanging around, showing your devotion method.

 

It is about YOU but also it is about recognising human nature and what people find universally attractive in other people - confident, strong, independent, a leader, a decision maker, other interests, not weak, got lines that cannot be crossed (they cannot walk all over you and everyone needs to have that fear to have the next one, which is important) RESPECT, they will RESPECT you.

 

Like I said, it is your life. Do what you want, do what you think is right. But what you are doing is not working. As so many people say, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". When you are tired of banging your head against a brick wall you will maybe be open to a new approach.

 

End of the day, what do you have to lose? She is not with you and has made it clear she does not want to be? So you do not have her right now, not exactly anything to lose but maybe something to gain.

 

Follow your own path, I have nothing to add and I am satisfied I have given solid advice that would increase your chances but you must do what you think is best and you are clearly scared that if you pull away and spend less time with her, how can it work? You want to be near her, not away from her and appear to be happier having any time with her in the present than sacrifice it for longer term better time as a couple and I do understand feeling that way totally.

 

It all seems so unnatural and it is up to you, your life, do what you are comfortable with as you have to live with the results of your actions, not me.

[TrustInYourself]

I love these long posts by you bb. Just give him the damn equation.

 

Hope + Uncertainty = Desire.

 

Booyah.

[carrotgirl]

I love these long posts by you bb. Just give him the damn equation.

 

Hope + Uncertainty = Desire.

Or as likely,

Hope + Uncertainty = Distress = Desire killer

 

I like knowing a man is into me. I don't like being unsure. It makes me rather hostile and volatile, not desirous.

 

Carrot