I am 'HopePhil'

[HopePhil]

Kind of long. Might need popcorn. Get me a beef jerky and a soda while youre up, please.

 

 

I have been separated from my ex-wife for a year. We have been divorced now for 6 months. During this time, she has been with 1 man, that I know of. It was a long term relationship. I have dated around, but nothing serious. None of them compared to my ex-wife.

 

I had not seen or talked to my ex-wife in 3 1/2 months. I had a feeling (my gut or from prayer... i just 'knew') she was not with anyone for a good time of those 3 1/2 months. One of the reasons we had not talked was because I needed to heal and finally move on. I also did not have her cell phone number, she had changed it soon after we separated. In those 3 1/2 months, I didnt heal like one would normally think. I learned (from prayer and just my gut feelings) that I was still very much in love with her. That she was meant for me and that my son deserved both of his parents.

 

When we were married, we used to tell each other 'I love you more than Ladybugs.' I dont remember how we started that, but it meant a lot to us. I had got drunk one weekend about a month ago and drove over to her house at 3 in the morning and left this giant stuffed Ladybug on the hood of her car with a note that said 'I love you more than Ladybugs.' I did not hear anything from her.

 

After moving into my new place, I had gone to get my son from her parents house. Her mom gave me a piece of paper with her phone number on it. She said '******** wanted you to have this.' I then told her mom 'I would still die for your daughter. All of the feelings that make me feel this way are still very real in my heart.' Her mom got a very big smile on her face and touched my hand. Her phone number sat on my desk at home for 2 weeks. I did not know what to do. I wanted to contact her, but I did not feel it was right.

 

1 week ago, on Monday, I contacted her. I said 'Hi'. I had not talked to her in 3 1/2 months and now she got a text out of nowhere. She responded in less than 15 seconds - 'Hello. How are you?' / 'I am doing good. How about you?' / 'I am good. Thank you for the Ladybug.'

 

I did not expect that. She knew what that meant. Why would she bring it up? We were friendly the rest of the week in text. We were talking more, never once talking about the past. We only chatted like we were good friends that lost contact with one another for awhile.

 

Friday night, she was having issues with her DSL. She could not get it to work. She would text me and could not figure it out. She then asked if she could call, so she did. I still was not able to help her, so I suggested coming over. She said it was ok and asked me again if I was ok with coming over. I was.

 

She lives in our old house. She got it in the divorce. Before I moved out, I put a bunch of little Ladybug stickers all over the walls. When I got there to work on her internet, all of the ladybug stickers were still there. She had lived there now for 3 weeks and they were all still up. I was floored and it made me very happy inside. I worked on her internet, but was unable to get it working before I had to goto work and help someone. I told her I would try again later.

 

The next day, after she got off of work, I went over there again and worked on it for 4 hours. Finally got it working. We talked for a little bit and I ended up leaving. It was so nice to see her. I enjoyed our conversation and everything was still on a friendly level.

 

Sunday, her (our) dog was very sick. She needed to take her to the emergency vet office. I could tell she wanted me to go with her, so I asked and she quickly responded 'Yes, I would like it if you went'. I got to her house and we drove to the vet almost 40 minutes away. It was a nice drive and good conversation. I made her laugh several times and she was making me laugh. Again, everything was very friendly. She did catch me looking at her rear and just smiled when I looked up at her.

 

Yesterday evening we talked in texts for about 3 hours. I would send video from my phone to her of my son and myself. She wanted more, so I kept sending. She eventually told me she needed to shower and get to bed, so we said goodnight and stopped talking.

 

This morning was good. I dropped off my son to her and she looked absolutely stunning. This past weekend, I had not seen her in anything but regular clothes. But this morning, she was wearing some super tight jeans and a nice top. Her rear looked amazing. I had no idea she had the potential. My ex-wife had always been very skinny, but she has gained about 20 or 25 lbs in the last several months.... and it all went to the right places. I was very much aroused and made a comment to her about her butt. She laughed and talked about the black men that hit on her at her job now because of it. When I got to work, I sent her a text telling her how beautiful she was and that I have always enjoyed looking at her. She said 'Even though I have a lard butt?' We joked around about her butt for about 20 minutes in text and then she called me. We talked about our son, her (our) dog, and then stupid things that has happened to us at work. She arrived at work and had to let me go.

 

I dont think I am looking for many to reply to this. I am following what I feel is right and it seems to be going well. I guess I just wanted to share. I do not talk to many about this. I do not want people that know us both and love us to think we were getting back together yet, but I did need to tell someone the 'good' news.

 

I am 'HopePhil', but not expecting anything. This is in God's hands. I think that is a good place.

[badbrit]

Now this is a very uplifting story and I do not think you need any real advice here as you seem to be doing it well. Just take it easy and if it is going to work it needs to be slow and careful, sorta start dating again or spending time together and see how you both feel.

 

Many people on these boards, if honest, would admit they will envy your success as well as be very pleased for you.

 

All seperations are different but I think some people would certainly enjoy understanding some more backround to feed off. Who broke up with who? Why did that person want to split? What kinda issues did you guys have? I am guessing she dumped (hate that word!) you and so when all is said and done, it is normally due to loss of feelings and attraction (not just physical but being attracted and wanting someone). I think people would also be curious about what you did during split from day one. Did you accept it with humility and say "fine" and walk away or did you try and change it and get rebuffed. What was her attitude like during the split and how has it changed etc. Was she one of the "Once it is over it is over and sorry, we will never be together again" people or was she one of the, "I need time, I do not know what the future holds" people

 

Explaining that so that people can get a feel for the story and relate to their own situations may be of extra benefit.

 

Anyone, especially with a child involved, who manages to find a way to get back on the same road together warms my heart, so I have my fingers crossed for you and wish you the very best and I hope it continues in this way for you hope"phil"

[justaman99]

This is a great story but I am curious about what caused the separation and divorce. can you tell us?

 

Just

[HopePhil]

Now this is a very uplifting story and I do not think you need any real advice here as you seem to be doing it well. Just take it easy and if it is going to work it needs to be slow and careful, sorta start dating again or spending time together and see how you both feel.

 

Many people on these boards, if honest, would admit they will envy your success as well as be very pleased for you.

 

Thank you. I will be taking things slow.

 

All seperations are different but I think some people would certainly enjoy understanding some more backround to feed off.

 

Ok

 

Who broke up with who? Why did that person want to split?

 

She left me. She was unhappy with me and lost her love for me.

 

What kinda issues did you guys have?

 

Financial was some of it. We had different views on sex and how much time we should spend with each other.

 

I think people would also be curious about what you did during split from day one. Did you accept it with humility and say "fine" and walk away or did you try and change it and get rebuffed?

 

Hard to say. I was so fractured and stayed drunk so much, I honestly do not know. It seemed the more I tried to put us back together, the further she moved from me. When I finally realized we were done, I started having dreams about her. I started going back to church. I started having feelings for her again. Real feelings. And most of all, and something very weird, I 'knew' she was single. No one told me. My son is not old enough to understand and tell me. I did not talk to her parents about her. I just knew.

 

What was her attitude like during the split and how has it changed etc. Was she one of the "Once it is over it is over and sorry, we will never be together again" people or was she one of the, "I need time, I do not know what the future holds" people?

 

When i asked her why she was doing what she did, she would just respond "I know I need to do this". When i asked her if she would ever want to be with me again, she would say "I dont know what the future holds"

 

Explaining that so that people can get a feel for the story and relate to their own situations may be of extra benefit.

 

If you have more questions, I can answer.

 

Anyone, especially with a child involved, who manages to find a way to get back on the same road together warms my heart, so I have my fingers crossed for you and wish you the very best and I hope it continues in this way for you hope"phil"

 

Thank you, very much.

 

 

This is a great story but I am curious about what caused the separation and divorce. can you tell us?

 

Just

 

She cheated on me and when I found out, she chose the other man over me.

[justaman99]

She cheated on me and when I found out, she chose the other man over me.

 

I believe in second chances but in this case she will have to make a serious effort for you to be able to trust her again. That's if you decide you will let her back in. For me, once she cheats it's over. I've never been cheated on and I would never do it. If she did when I was with her, that's it. Over. No second chances in this case. My heart would never allow it even if my mind tried.

[HopePhil]

I believe in second chances but in this case she will have to make a serious effort for you to be able to trust her again. That's if you decide you will let her back in. For me, once she cheats it's over. I've never been cheated on and I would never do it. If she did when I was with her, that's it. Over. No second chances in this case. My heart would never allow it even if my mind tried.

 

This is why I did not want to post what had happened originally. I forgive her and she forgives me for my mistakes. I do not live in the past. Just be happy for me, please. Things seem to be going well and it puts a smile on my face.

[badbrit]

Thank you for the extra info phil. Do not worry about anyone who talks about cheating being a deal breaker etc as that is such a blinkered attitude. Sometimes things happen which we invite into our lives through how we treat our partner and it is more indicative of how they are feeling generally and unhappy than it being a habit.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect and maybe she just fell out of love with you as you were not meeting her emotional needs and she had a need that required filling. A million reasons but those that say it is a deal breaker are too black and white and life has grey areas.

 

Sometimes once a cheater always a cheater, sometimes people do it for no reason except low morals, sometimes there are reasons and you can learn from it and it can make you stronger.

 

You seem to know what you are doing so continued good luck to you

[HopePhil]

We talked for a couple of hours last night. She did tell me she is not looking to date anyone right now and just wants to enjoy being single. At the end of the conversation, I asked her if she still liked Ladybugs... she said yes.

[Faded]

Uplifting story.

 

Sounds like it's going great for you.

 

One day/Step at a time. =)

[HopePhil]

Ex-wife invited me over for dinner last night. She made a very nice dinner. I watched TV with her and my son, but mostly talked to her. She was going to a party later that night, so when she was getting ready, she asked my opinion on what she wore and how she styled her hair (I pretty much got to choose). I was messing with my cell phone (it has TV on it and was trying to find something for my son to watch.... he likes watching TV on my phone) and while I was doing so, my ex was standing in front of me. She said "Are you trying to take a picture of my butt?". I was not at first, but after that, i did. She did not mind and posed for me to do so. After she was ready, we went outside and said our goodbyes. She took my son to her parents and I went home.

 

About 10 minutes later, I sent her a text saying 'Have fun tonight!' and she sent one back saying 'I already did.'

[Exl]

I do have some reservations upon reading further details of your story.

Yet, I too find it uplifting and wish you the best of luck.

[HopePhil]

Yesterday was another good day. Its another long one, so need more Beef Jerky and Soda.

 

I had to be at work super early. I had no sleep from the night before because I was talking to her after she had left that party. I arrived at work at 5:30am and worked until 9am. After that, I went straight to church. After Church was over, I went to JC Penny to buy a new shirt. While I was there, I had a man contact me about something I had for sale on Craigslist. He said he would be in the area to pick up the item in about 2 hours. My Job (where the item is located) and my Ex live in the same area. So, sent her a text saying "When you wake from your nap, let me know." It was around noon and she usually takes a nap with my son. She responded back about 15 minutes later "I am not asleep, I am cleaning".

 

I needed to stay in the area so that I didnt waste gas and honestly I wanted to see her again (big surprise...), so I said "Want me to come cheer from the sideline as you clean?" She told me "sure" so I went to her house.

 

When I got there, she had cleaned my son's room and the kitchen, but she sat down for a sec to chat with me. When she got up, she was walking around the corner and rolled her ankle on one of her own shoes (purpose? did it hurt?). I went and helped her up and she walked slowly back to the couch. We sat longer and talked and I eventually said "I am supposed to be cheering you on while you clean" and she replied "My ankle hurts. i cant right now."

 

My son started getting hungry, so she got up and made the food we had for dinner the night before. After eating, the man I had talked to earlier called and was at my job. She ended up riding with me so i could drop her off to tan and I went and took care of business at my job. Once completed, i went back to the tanning salon, picked her up and headed back to her house. We than sat more on the couch, talking and playing with our son until he started getting sleepy. This was around 3pm.

 

My Ex lifted my son onto the couch with her and she laid down, her head close to my leg where I was sitting. She started to fall asleep before him and I started playing with her hair. The longer I played with her hair, the more of it I played with, eventually moving my hand to her back and massaging her back. This went on for about 2 hours. I didnt mind. I have wanted this since things started going sour. I eventually nuzzled up close to her, rubbing the tip of my nose to her forehead and pressing my lips to the top of her head (not kissing). During this time, she seemed to stir/wake briefly and never stopped me. I dont think she was asleep the whole time.

 

I eventually had to use the restroom, so when i came back, she was in the other restroom. When she came out, she said "Did you fall asleep too?" I replied "No, I just watched you sleep. It was very nice" and she said "You could have woke me up, I wouldnt have cared". I didnt want to wake her, even if she did sleep through all of the massage... I was in heaven.

 

We started talking more. She mentioned that my son needed a hair cut before she went on her vacation. She said she wanted to get him a mohawk. I laughed and told her I was thinking of getting him one too, but did not want to make her mad (I used to have one too). The place that cuts my son's hair was closed, so she said "We can probably go on thurs during your lunch. And then you can get a mohawk too to match". I wouldnt mind. been thinking about one for myself again too. Would love to have the same hair cut as my son.

 

Then she started talking about she needed a few more things for her vacation, so she invited me to goto Target with her. So we loaded up and went to Target. She bought some items for my son, bought her some new clothes and a couple of things for her trip. As we were there, my son was getting a little fussy because he was hungry, so she mentioned cooking at her house tonight. I told her we could just eat out, i didnt mind paying, so we decided on a place and went for dinner. Most of the dinner she talked. I was just looking at her and enjoying the moment. I was really having a good day.

 

After dinner, we went back to her house and started watching TV. My son wanted me to go play with him, so i moved to his room and played with him. She eventually came in there with us and laid down and played with us both. It was now about 8:30 at night, so we ran him some bath water and gave him a bath. While my son was taking a bath, she asked if i wanted to see her other clothes she bought for the trip. i said sure and told her to 'model' them for me. She went and tried them all on, coming out into the hall to show me how they looked. She was stunning. After my son's bath and her modeling of the clothes, we went into the living room to watch TV.

 

My son fell asleep about 10pm, so i put him in bed. I came back in on the couch and was petting her (our) dog on the middle cushion. My ex laid her head down right next to her dog... right next to my hand. So i started playing with her hair. She said "Oh, youre going to pet me now?" and i said "Maybe". After about 5 minutes, she readjusted her head and it made it hard to play with her hair. She then pulled out her pony tail holder and laid her head back down. I played with her hair and rubbed her back a little until 11pm and then she said 'I am getting sleepy. I think I am going to kick you out." I said "Ok", leaned forward and kissed her forhead and then started putting on my shoes. She gave me some items that was to go with me for my son and we said our goodbyes after she walked me out. I drove home.

 

For the most part, I am happy. I am still very confused as to where she is at in our 'relationship'. She has mentioned about me eventually taking her out. We talked about it brfiefly the night before as she was coming back from the party. She made it sound as if she would want to do some of the 'crazy' things I have done since I have been single, but she would want to be warmed up to them slowly, as she has not done things like that. I am not sure what is happening or where her mind is. I am taking it one day at a time and just following my gut.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted the detail to be out there.

[justaman99]

Taking it one day at a time is the right move. Just take it slow and see where it goes. Protect yourself though.

[HopePhil]

I asked " Do you miss me?" (this was out of the blue tonight. After she went to bed).

 

She replied "That is not an easy question to answer. I am tired. Can we talk about this another time?"

[justaman99]

I asked " Do you miss me?" (this was out of the blue tonight. After she went to bed).

 

She replied "That is not an easy question to answer. I am tired. Can we talk about this another time?"

 

Take is slow Phil! Let her come out with these things first.

[feelinblu]

Yes, please take it slow, and don't rush her! Don't rush yourself either, no matter how good it feels now, you need to make sure you keep thinking clearly! I wish you luck, and I really, really hope it works out for you! Keep us posted!

 

btw..... my ex told me that he doesn't know what the future holds as well, and I hope some day he'll come around!

[HopePhil]

Well, the last week has been good. There is no signs of affection from her, but she did go out of town and i found out that anytime my son acted up, she would use 'Dont make me call your dad....'

 

She stopped at some outlet malls on the way back from her vacation and bought me a shirt, but then realized she did not like it for me (it was not 'trendy' like what i wear now), so said she will buy me another one. She said she would give the shirt she bought to her dad because 'he wears stupid stuff like that'. I was a bit surprised she would shop for me.

 

She also texted me more than i expected while she was away and called me 3 times so my son could tell me what he was doing or had done.

 

I dont remember how it came up in conversation, but I told her she was the only woman I know that i could have ever had children with (I know this to be the truth). She said she did not know that. She said it made her feel really good.

 

Nothing really else to report. One of my co-workers is 60 yrs old. he has been married and divorced 3 times and has a son with one of the ex-wives. he told me he never talked to any of his exes as much as i talk to mine and surely did not hang out with any of them after the divorce. He also says take it slow.

 

I will keep you guys updated. I do not plan to ask her over or anything along those lines until she does it. I do not want to be the aggressor anymore.

[HopePhil]

Soda+Beef Jerky

 

I have been hanging out with her a lot in the past couple of weeks. I probably see her 4 or 5 nights a week and we hang out at least 1 full day on the weekend.

 

This past weekend, I had Saturday off. I went to her house around noon and helped her rid her house and dog of fleas. I sprayed the yard and helped her take preemptive action to keep them away. During the day, her parents called 2 or 3 times to cheack our status on the job, but she eventually pointed out to me, "They are probably being nosey since we have been hanging out so much." It made me smile when she said that.

 

Later that night, she laid down on the couch again with her feet kind of up against my leg. I kept thinking 'Just put your feet on me and i will rub them', but she didnt, she just kept moving them around, bumping my leg... a lot. I finally picked her feet up and put them in my lap. She looked at me. When i started rubbing them, she closed her eyes and adjusted her body so I could massage them easier. I did this for about an hour. She had fallen asleep with my son, so i picked him up and carried him to her bed. Then I went back and picked her up. She didnt fight it and put her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I took her to her room and kissed her cheek before laying her down. She then said 'I need to lock the back gate and the back door'. I told her 'I got it. You sleep. I will be back after church to return your key and spend father's day with you and [my son].' I took her key, locked up and went home.

 

The next day, I showed up at her house around noon (after church). She gave me the gifts my son 'bought' me. 2 t-shirts and an electric shaver. They were nice. The shaver was one she caught me looking at about a week earlier. Funny because I almost bought it for myself a few days before father's day.

 

I decided to go to the Zoo, so I got some of my son's clothes to match mine - Camo shorts with black shoes and a black shirt with guitars. When my ex saw me doing this, she asked if i would like her to dress the same. I said 'sure'. All three of us went to the zoo wearing Camo shorts, Black casual shoes and black guitar shirts. My son and myself both sporting our mo-hawks. We were a amusing family to gander.

 

During the weekend, she and i both made jokes about her rear. She had to buy some bigger pants on saturday for her 'fuller' rump. I had no complaints. She looks very nice with a womanly figure.

 

Anyways, as we were leaving the zoo, she wanted to ride the train back to the front. I wanted to walk. She said 'I will lose my butt if I exercise.' Now as much as I like her rump, I really know the little bit of walking wouldnt take it away, so I opted for the 2 legged trek back.

 

When we got back, she had to leave to go spend time with her dad for father's day, so I went and watched a movie while she spent time with her dad. While at the movie, I sent her a text "maybe you need to eat some cake or ice cream to put back on your booty what you walked off today" she texted back 'lol, ok' I then texted her 'You really do have an exceptional rear. Maybe I can massage it later... (She really liked for me to do that when we were married. It was her favorite thing for me to do that was non-sexual). She texted back 'No thanks'. I was a little shocked she said no and made me feel really dumb. I didnt text her back for about 45 minutes. I finally texted her back and said "I am sorry. I am attracted to you. I want to be near you and touch you. Thats why I say those things." She responded "I know, Phil"

 

I was feeling bad the rest of the night. I went over to her house after the movie. I sat and watched TV for about an hour and then she said "I am gunna have to ask you to leave soon" I said "Ok" and started putting my shoes on then. I got up and said bye to my son and kissed him and she said "I didnt ask you to leave right this moment." i said "Its ok, my head hurts anyways. I was about to leave since it was 10." I left.

 

She texted me after I left "Are you upset that i asked you to leave?" I said "No, my head hurts. Good night" she said back to me "I hope today was a good father's day for you. Good night" It was, until I set myself up for sadness.

 

I was a little sad... but not for being asked to leave. It was because I wanted to touch her. She knows it. I NEED to touch her. I was HOPEFUL that she would allow me to rub her feet or play with her hair... nothing. It made me sad.

 

This morning, I showed up to pick up my son. She asked if there was anything wrong. I told her no, but I was still sad. She asked again "Are you upset with me?" I said "No". After getting my son, i felt bad. i saw me acting like how I did when we were married. I would not tell her the truth how I felt because I was afraid of how she would react. I do not want to repeat our same mistakes.

 

I texted her what she asked me and then responded "No, I am not mad or upset with you. I am just sad with myself. I made myself sad." she texted back "I do not understand"... I didnt know what to say. I cant tell her that I love her and that i need her. I cant tell her I think about her everyday and that I dream about her. i cant tell her my day begins with the thought of her and ends with the thought of her. I cant tell her that I probably think of her more than God...... I cant tell her these things, so I just told her "Ladybugs". She texted back a 'question mark'. I didnt want to explain. I felt like she knew what i meant. I told her to have a good day and that I was going to go bike riding with [my son]. I then mentioned to her about getting a bike and she said we will see. I hope she does. I would love it. I know our son would too.

 

That was my weekend. She wants to dress like me, but does not want physical contact. She is worried about upsetting me, but I KNOW i cant tell her how I feel. This is so hard. Its harder to date someone you have failed with once than it is to date someone new, yet I want this more than any woman on this planet. I know this.

[TrustInYourself]

I share this pain. I'm not divorced, but I'm separated. She gives me the same signals. I question my actions when I ask for more. You made a mistake, Phil. It's ok, man. She's not ready, she's getting there though. She's feeling something, otherwise she would never let you touch her. I would just take a step back. Regain your composure and strength and clarity.

 

If you want your wife back, you can't chase. You can't push. You just have to be open and willing to ache for her. LOL, it's tough. I know..god, do I know. Build on it, give it time. It's going to take time...best of luck.

[badbrit]

Magic formula

Hope + uncertainty = desire

 

You have friendship, you have closeness, you have communication, you lack DESIRE from her.

 

Time to switch gears Phil. When something is not working you stop doing it and when something is working you do it more.

 

What you have done has lowered her defences but has not fired the spark so you need to alter what you are doing. It is commonsense. Right now she does not have to give you what YOU want in order to get what SHE wants. No incentive to work for it.

 

Make her work, cause some fear, suddenly become a little less available and totally stop putting heart on sleeve, being so transparent and looking and sounding needy.

 

It is hard to say "no" when she invites you over because you feel the best work is done when you are there being nice and showing her "the family" and how it can work.

 

Well believe me, more effective work can be done when you do not go round when expected and she has to wonder "why" and what you are doing. Be less available, more mysterious, make her wonder what you are doing, make her fear that as she is not giving enough that maybe you are growing bored. OH AND DO NOT EFFING EXPLAIN WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Be consistant. It may appear to backfire as it may solicit aloofness or her to pull away or be angry etc BUT that will only be a test to try and draw you back where she wants you. Be consistant and any reaction (even what seems negative to you) is perfect.

 

You have to create uncertainty. We desire that which is not readily available, we respect things that respect themselves, we hold on tighter to those things we had to work hard to get and we treat things better when we feel that to not treat it well will lose it.

 

Good job up to now, you have "hope" back in her, you have her used to your company, you have her used to you helping to support her and make her feel worthy and better emotionally. Now you need to spark her and that comes from pulling back and causing sudden panic

 

You may not believe it to be true and will feel that you got this far with your own methods but be honest, you have NOT got far enough. What I am saying is commonsense and anyone with an ounce of knowledge will understand what I am saying

[TrustInYourself]

I see the logic. However, you have to be 100% confident in your ability to live life without her. You want to bluff and play that game, be prepared to lose.

[badbrit]

It is not playing a game, it is called life. It is about facing the reality of the situation.

 

The reality is that it is not firing, she is not sparking, attraction is low, desire is not there and without that there is zero chance of long term success. There is a chance of reconcillliation due to comfort, her fear of being alone, going back to what she is used to, doing right thing for child, taking easy option, loneliness etc BUT the reality is without that spark, that desire, that wanting him etc it will go wrong again.

 

These boards and life are full of people who had a reconcilliation who split twice and a true deep look at it will identify that clearly they had never worked on spark and the other party left them as without it, you are screwed.

 

So it is not a game, it is not a bluff, it is doing the only thing that may actually work long term. If it does not work then nothing was going to and he will be in the same situation anyway - having to pick up the pieces of his life anew.

 

Let me tell you from experience, you get a reconcilliation for the wrong reason and without working on their desire it will fail and you end up living in a situation that is even more harmful and the second time you are dumped it a lot harder to turn around. They will have ended up with next to zero spark for you and no belief that they will ever get it again and may actually look down at you so much that it is impossible to fire it back.

 

You have one chance at this in my opinion, I wish I had that knowledge two years ago and did not slide my way back in like Phil is doing. I had a small spark firing but jumped back in too quick, had I left it longer and fired it up I will not be here reading this forum again with no chance of another chance, would not be missing my son and my former life.

 

The smart man learns from his mistakes and the wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

[TrustInYourself]

If you give space and allow this spark to grow, is this not the same as moving on?

 

Moving on and pushing someone away sparks desire? When do you know when the romance is ready for another try? It's not easy to ignore the small signs that she wants you back. Especially if they are obvious and blunt...aka "I love you" and "I feel different lately".

[badbrit]

I am talking to Phil about his situation. She is getting comfortable but she is not desiring him, if she was then he would not have to post here. He knows something is wrong and cannot push past the final hurdle.

 

Like I said, Hope + Uncertainty = Desire and trust me, Desire is all you need. Would you dump someone you were hugely attracted to and desired loads? No, of course you wouldnt so realise you need to ex to feel that.

 

What sparks desire? That which is hard to get, that which is not readily availabe, something that may not be available, something you respect, something that you fear you will lose if you do not give it what it wants.

 

Commonsense. Sure, the actions to fire it up may seem the same as moving on but so what? Oh of course, it is not right to have to act this way, life should not be this way, life should be easier, romance should not involve this work but - Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

 

Do what is proven to work, look across the forums here, thousands of threads. Ignore the nitty gritty details and look at the common themes amongst them - Go find any thread that has an ex calling, hanging out, saying they miss or love them, asking for second chance, sniffing around etc etc and in nearly every case it has happened after the dumped has started to recover and be strong again. Appears to be moving on, is dating someone else, is not calling, does not voice the desire to have the ex back etc - basically most cases of success or even the start of success happens when the ex thinks one of two things, that THEIR chance with the person they dumped has maybe started to pass by and it MAY be out of their hands or that the dumped person is not now the weak person they brushed off but is exhibiting universal attractive and independant qualities

 

Oh and also go look at threads that have the dumped person think they have a second chance only for it to appear not to be the case, what is normally common in those cases? Being available, declaring love, asking how the dumpee feels, pushing, rushing, not being a challenge, being conquered again etc

[vivrantflo]

During the weekend, she and i both made jokes about her rear. She had to buy some bigger pants on saturday for her 'fuller' rump. I had no complaints. She looks very nice with a womanly figure.

 

lol Bud, I know how you feel man. It's not just us black men that appreciate a thick backside.. most races are starting to catch on that a full figured woman is more desirable than women that barely break 100 pounds.. Meaty thighs and backside are so much more sexier to touch, than hip bones and tail bones lol..

 

 

 

She wants to dress like me, but does not want physical contact. She is worried about upsetting me, but I KNOW i cant tell her how I feel. This is so hard. Its harder to date someone you have failed with once than it is to date someone new, yet I want this more than any woman on this planet. I know this.

 

 

Dude, I wish you the BEST of luck. You and I are in the EXACT same boat right now.. except I was never married to my ex. We were together 3.5 years, and have been broken up for 1.5. Seriously dude, listen to Badbrit..You and I both need to have our exes desiring us again. We are in great positions right now, cause they are expressing interest, but like Badbrit said.. it's not quite enough yet.

 

Trust me when I say this.. keep your emotions and hormones under control man! lol My ex comes over 4 to 5 times a week now, and it's so hard to not want to feel on her booty or her thighs.. But we do have to show our exes, yes, we do want them back, but we're not gonna lose any sleep if we dont get them back.

 

Badbrit said it best..

 

"basically most cases of success or even the start of success happens when the ex thinks one of two things, that THEIR chance with the person they dumped has maybe started to pass by and it MAY be out of their hands or that the dumped person is not now the weak person they brushed off but is exhibiting universal attractive and independant qualities"

That's gold right there man. Trust me dude, I know exactly how excited you are! To a "T", but we both have to play it cool man..

 

 

Hope + Uncertainty = Desire

 

Too true...