Do nice GIRLS finish last???

[confuzed25]

I always hear the line "nice guys finish last." But I am starting to think it is the same for nice girls. I think that I am one of the nicest girls you could ever meet....I absolutely hate hurting people's feelings, I would do anything for a friend or boyfriend, and when I am in a relationship I am in it 110%. I try my hardest to make the other person feel special and wanted.

 

In my last relationship which only lasted for 2 and a half months i let him do whatever he wanted...never complained when he went out with friends without me, let him do all the chasing, helped pay for dinner sometimes, complimented him. I dress sexy but not at all sl*tty, i have never had a one night stand and i have had only 3 sexual partners before him and they were all long term boyfriends, i never complained about anything, whatever he wanted to do was fine with me. I told him that i wanted to wait to have sex until i was sure he was the real deal and wasnt putting on a front. I believed him with all my heart when he told me he was a really nice guy and that girls have told him he is "too nice." I believed him when he said he was very honest and trustworthy, and i believed him when he said he is very respectful to women. But he lost interest in me after only 2 months and started pursuing another girl and lying about it to me. He became much more distant and different around me. I feel like I am the one to blame for losing him. Maybe I was too easygoing....he used to tease me because anytime he would ask me what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go to eat i would always say "i dont care" or "it doesnt matter to me." I could never make a decision....and i wonder if that really annoyed him. Also, maybe because i let him do all the pursuing he lost interest...i rarely ever texted or called him first, and i always let him ask me to hang out. I know this new girl was coming on kind of strong, i read text messages from her saying that they are going to hang out tomorrow. Like she didnt let him ask her, and she didnt ask him...instead she TOLD him they were gonna hang out. Also, she dresses kind of sl*tty and has the bad girl attitude...i know she got into a fight at the bar last weekend and he said "it was awesome."

 

I always go for these big macho muscular guys. The last 2 guys I dated were on steroids and were big and really attractive. All kinds of girls thought they were hott.....maybe i am just too plain and too nice for guys like that that have swarms of girls hitting on them.

 

Since I am such a nice person and cant stand to see other people hurting, I cant imagine anyone else being fine with hurting another person. So I believed everything he said...he told me he would have to prove to me that he wouldnt ever hurt me and that i should let him in. Whenever i said anything about him maybe being a player he seemed so hurt that i would even think that he said "i cant believe you would think that, i am not like that at all." He nevr pressured me to have sex, he said he wanted to go at my pace so i was totally comfortable. One day last week he cancelled plans with me (i later found out it was so he could hang out with another girl.) But he made up an excuse saying it was a misunderstanding and he thought that i said i couldnt do anything that night. I believed him. He even wrote me a long text message saying that he was so sorry and he felt horrible and wanted to make it up to me and he trusts that I know hes not like that. I am tired of feeling that I found such a great guy and they end up treating me like crap...i just want to be happy, fall in love, and have a meaningful relationship. I wish i could figure out how to stop finding the wrong kind of guys and I wish i could figure out how to stop getting walked all over

[Dalcuore]

wow..you sound just like me..no lie..except when my ex went out i would get a little insecure and say something but i never went overboard with it...sometimes i feel like the good girls finish last..b/c we put the full 100% in a relationship..and of course the first few months are amazing..but sometimes i feel like our problem is that we make ourselves too available..and we do too much..b/c guys like independent girls..im independent..but i still like to be with the one i love you know...you will find someone that appreciates the things you do for you..just give it time..we gotta date till we meet the man of our dreams =)

[Taramere]

Maybe I was too easygoing....he used to tease me because anytime he would ask me what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go to eat i would always say "i dont care" or "it doesnt matter to me." I could never make a decision....and i wonder if that really annoyed him.

 

It could be that you're a tad too passive. Just the part I quoted there sounded not so much nice exactly as somewhat apathetic. Possibly to the point of slight rudeness. You can be easygoing without coming across as disinterested - which is how "I don't care" or "it doesn't matter to me" might sound.

 

People do want some level of stimulation in any relationship (friendship, romantic, whichever). The fact that you're a nice, passive person doesn't mean that everything will just fall into place for you - as you're discovering. All it means, really, is that that's your temperament. Gentle, quiet etc. It's not an unappealing temperament. It's quite a traditionally feminine one... but temperament alone isn't enough. Being nice isn't enough.

 

People can be superficially attracted to certain types of temperaments, but it tends to be the personality that they fall in love with. Your passions, interests, preferences, humour and all the things that make you unique. Start by making a vow that you will never again respond "I don't care" when someone asks for your input about plans for a date.

[justalex07]

From your description, you should def date me

[Karyyk]

It seems to be true. I tend to get classified as a nice guy (although I don't really see it...most people think I'm mean as a snake until they get past the mask), and I'm definitely nice to my significant others, but they always seem to be ready to let me go. The "nice girls" I know are much the same. Typically, they either end up with an egocentric jerk, or really whimpering "nice guys" who in reality aren't that nice (very self-centered). I just think that in a lot of cases, when you're giving (and you said you give 110%) you have a tendency to attract people who are takers, and that's true whether you're a man or a woman. I don't think the answer is necessarily caring or giving any less (in fact, it can't be), but more in truly knowing people before dating them (which can be difficult).

[Trialbyfire]

When you have an unbalanced relationship to the level that you had confused, it rarely works. In over-giving, it creates the dynamics of non-appreciation since there aren't ever any consequences to a non-return of giving.

 

If you think about a child/parent relationship, parents who spoil their children without some form of required reciprocation or consequences for bad behaviours; enable the child to grow up never appreciating anything.

 

Compare the spoiled child/overindulgent parent dynamic to the romantic relationship spoiled partner/doormat partner dynamic.

[thewholeshabangg]

i would admit, and almost sadly, that i am also one of those girls. i always had ended up being surrounded by people whod take advantage of me, with friendships and relationships. after a few that broke my heart, both in those friendships and relationships, i learned that i am done getting my heart broken.. i began to learn the type of people that i want in my life, and the ones i don't. i still have a lot of learning to do and it is really hard. but one thing i commend you on is that you have seen the fact that it is happening to you.

but i really think you need to sit down, think about what type of people you want to surround yourself with, ones that will give you both what you want and need, and ones that you can give to without them taking advantage. it's all about reciprocation.

strong willed, assertive people feed on people like you and me, and they are definitely out there.. & in large amounts. just try and feel the person out before you begin a solid relationship with them. everyone deserves the best, so don't sell yourself short. especially when good people are hard to find.

just take my advice, treat yourself like you would others. because then, youll end up being surrounded by people who won't break your heart and who wont take advantage of you, and be happy and feel privilaged to have you, the nice girl, in their life.

[BiAxident]

I always hear the line "nice guys finish last." But I am starting to think it is the same for nice girls. I think that I am one of the nicest girls you could ever meet....I absolutely hate hurting people's feelings, I would do anything for a friend or boyfriend, and when I am in a relationship I am in it 110%. I try my hardest to make the other person feel special and wanted.

 

For some reason I had never thought about the flip-side of the "nice person" syndrome. I have known several women in my life who were just too nice. I'm talking so sweet that I thought I'd get diabetes just from standing near them! They tried way too hard to make conversation, too be liked, to "be cool". While they were all really nice people, I would have never dated them.

 

At the same time, my ex-gf embodied many of the qualities you listed above. It really just depends on the person, I guess it just depends on the individual. Certainly, no one can fault you or nice. But yes, to answer your question, nice girls can finish last.

[dogtown]

When you have an unbalanced relationship to the level that you had confused, it rarely works. In over-giving, it creates the dynamics of non-appreciation since there aren't ever any consequences to a non-return of giving.

 

If you think about a child/parent relationship, parents who spoil their children without some form of required reciprocation or consequences for bad behaviours; enable the child to grow up never appreciating anything.

 

Compare the spoiled child/overindulgent parent dynamic to the romantic relationship spoiled partner/doormat partner dynamic.

 

I agree with this completely.

 

You sound a bit passive, which is ok, but when your only response to doing something is "I don't care", that gets real boring, real fast. Spice things up! When a bf asks a what you want to do then occaisionally slip in a fun exciting idea. It'll keep them on their toes...and way interested in you! Ya gotta keep the relationship exciting.

[replicator]

Nice girls will finish last when they are with bad guys. Vice versa for good guys.

 

Find a good guy (they are out there, this forum is evidence of that), and he will appreciate and love you for the way that you are.

 

Don't feel any guilt or shame because you are considerate and caring. However, that being said, we should always learn from our relationships as nobody is perfect. Perhaps you should love yourself more, and care more about what YOU want. That is an attractive quality.

[kizik]

I have known several women in my life who were just too nice. I'm talking so sweet that I thought I'd get diabetes just from standing near them! They tried way too hard to make conversation, too be liked, to "be cool". While they were all really nice people, I would have never dated them.

 

I thought my ex was nice. She was exactly as you described, BiAx. She was nice to the point of apologizing profusely, trying to make sure everyone was comfortable. Trying to protect everyone from each other. It's hard to describe...like you said she was verrry concerned with being liked.

 

Glad you never would have dated someone like that.

 

I did.

 

Her niceties were merely a cover for her deep-rooted insecurities. Turned out that she was nice to strangers but treated those close to her like SH*T. I'm beginning to realize she's one of those girls who were abandoned/ignored by her dad and craves male attention incessantly...sabotages the relationship because she can't handle someone truly caring about her, and pushed them away before they can do that to her.

 

 

In short: she hates/strongly dislikes men because of her dad's treatment of her, and I was just another man who allowed her to take her aggressions out on me.

 

Threadjack... kind of?

[LikeCharlotte]

My advice is to learn to set boundaries and ask for what you want directly. It is important to know what you want and how to ask for it. You can be nice and still have a spine. If you work on that a little you will be surprised at how much you can achieve.

[thebam]

All too true, the sad part is the nicest of people tend to learn the hardest road, and one of the saddest parts is that people who walk all over us change us, they shape us into harder and stronger people.Is that a good thing? i dunno, id say dont change for anyone but then we spend a life having the advantage stripped from our very beings until theres nothing left.You sound like a very nice person who goes for the wrong guy, simple as that.But then whats the right guy....omg im confusing myself.

Im 30, i have had four serious relationships, all lasting between 3-6 years, put everything into them and each time get s*at on, so like you im done being the doormat and these girls have changed me, my perception of women in general.If we could only meet people exactly the same as us, people who care then the world would be a better place for relationships.I wish you all the luck on earth confuzed and i hope someday someone holds you close knowing in their hearts how lucky they are....Hugs

[JackhammerGemma]

Yes, I think nice girls finish last. We are door mats. Unfortunately it is not in our nature to change ourselves into the bitches who normally keep a guy's attention. However, I'm starting to feel bitter enough to start changing my M.O. and stop being so nice. It has gotten me nowhere.

[justaman99]

Nice girls don't finish last in my opinion. If I found a women that I had a connection with like I did my last relationship but was nice and respectful to me I would be engaged by now.

 

-Just

[backto1]

Amen justaman.

 

I hope to god I can find another girlfriend as nice as my last one was (and don't take the new one for granted).

 

I fear to God that I don't accidentally find a shady, screwed up girl. I know I'll be taking my time in finding a nice girl.

[hermit]

I know exactly how you feel... Have had massive social problems since i started school... Got bullied on a grand scale, which probably started due to me just being nice/ a tad shy. Tried making friends/ become popular by being even nicer/ forgiving. Turned into a downward spiral from there, had counselling for years as a teenager, became pretty much a recluse.

Then 5 years ago moved to a different country to start a new life. Was amazing for about a year, until i gradually began to realise the "friends" i made were only hanging out with me because i would do everything for them - they completely used me, which was hard as they were pretty much the first friends i ever had. Been in two relationships, the last one ended in april and was the happiest i've ever been. But i know that i ruined both those relationships by being too nice. I can't seem to switch it off, when i have a friend or bf, i just want to make them happy, put a smile on their face, show i care in every possible way.

I know this is so wrong, but i've had this problem all my life, and still i can't change my behaviour. I've now gone back to avoiding people. Seriously, if it's in any way possible, avoid being too nice... There are too many people out there, even decent people, who will find it impossible not to take advantage/ take you for granted.

Good luck to you nice girls and guys, hope it all turns out well for you!! xxx