ddkeifo Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hi, I'm wondering if anyone might be able to offer me some advice. I've been in a relationship for a few months now, and things are going fine. However, all is not well. one of my close friends has completely given me the cold shoulder over my relationship. Before I was in a relationship I used to spend more time with her, but now I may only spend 1-2 nights a week hanging out with her. I try to make time for my friends, because I realize they will always be around, whereas boyfriends don't carry a lifetime guarantee. However, she never acted very kind to my bf, she gives him the silent treatment for no reason. When I am with him and encounter her, she barely stops to say hello. Trust me when I say my bf wouldn't hurt a fly and is a kind person. The straw that broke the camel's back was when we were going to go to a concert, which I thought would be an opportunity to socialize in a large group with my bf, something we haven't really done but I think is important. I asked her before I invited him along and she seemed excited, but then after I invited him she changed her mind and basically went off on me and wanted me to uninvite him. Basically she doesn't treat him like a human being. I wanted it to be a large group, and didn't think it would make anyone uncomfortable to have a couple. Now I realize, but our friendship is basically over. Who is in the wrong here? Any advice for reconciliation or should I let it go?
MsActual Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 Hi, You're question "who is in the wrong here" caught my attention . . . I don't know how old you are, but we really don't know people until we see how they handle problems. Clearly your relationship is a problem for her. Why haven't you two had a conversation about it? I wouldn't tolerate intolerance from a "friend". That is so rude - to both you and your boyfriend. When you say she treats him a certain way, remember, that she is also disrespecting you. Maybe she's not happy for you, or simply does not like him. Regardless, you two are close, but don't discuss your real feelings? That seems strange, to me. Try talking - if you can't have an honest conversation, how good of a friendship is it, really?
D-Lish Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 I have had so many gf's get into relationships and simply disappear. Perhaps she is worried this will happen with the two of you. I think it's natural to feel a bit of envy when you are single and your close friend gets involved in a relationship and can't spend as much time with you. Who is right? Both of you. You are entitled to a happy, loving relationship with your new guy; but her fears of "losing" you to him are also valid (not saying completely rational- but they are her feelings and are therefore valid and should be treated as so). No, I wouldn't write off the friendship. I suspect she was looking forward to an evening of "just you"... and was clearly disappointed the new guy was coming. You, on the other hand were looking forward to spending time with both of them. Neither of you are in the wrong- just on different pages. If I were you, I would continue to be reassuring with her that your friendship is important to you. That may mean just spending some one on one time with her for the time being. I think she just needs time to get used to the idea that you are in a relationship. The more reassured she is that she is not being abandoned- the more open she will be to getting to know your bf. Yes, I suspect she is jealous of him. This situation must be tough for you. I can tell you from a single girl's perspective- that seeing ALL my friends in relationships is tough at times. Experience has taught me that some of those friends did disappear when they found love. At the very least, things change- and change isn't easy on people. I think she just has some fears about losing you and is currently taking that out on your bf. You are completely entitled to your happiness and deserve a loving relationship with your new guy- don't let her make you feel guilty about that! I do think you should sit down with your friend and hammer this out. I think it's just a bump in the road- and one easily resolved if you talk it out. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It sounds like she is hurt because your focus is now on your boyfriend rather than her. She feels threatened by him and instead of getting to know him and wanting to spend time with you two, she is repelled by it and getting upset. Spend some one on one time with her, make sure she knows that you DO like her and that he isn't replacing her in your life. Sympathize with her and ask her just to get to know him abit more, to give him a chance. If she is unwilling to do this, then that's her problem, not yours. Try not to make her feel bad though, I think she just needs to hear some words that will make her feel better and feel more secure.
Author ddkeifo Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 ummm it's hard to reconcile things when she refuses to talk to me. no, i mean if i went and spoke to her she would be icy, possibly even pretend like she couldn't hear me. and to your point about how she wanted a night with me: 99.9% of my time spent with her was with *only* her. she always made comments about how she didn't "know" my guy, so i thought it would be an opportunity for her to talk to him, which she was totally enthusiastic about when i brought it up. In fact, I was not even the first person to bring it up, she told me that I "should" invite him along and he was "welcome" anytime with us. psh.
Author ddkeifo Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 also, i did try to sympathize with her. first, i never talked about my bf nonstop the way some girls do, i merely mentioned him in connection with social things i did. she was the one to bring up that she didn't know him, that he seemed cold, and other thinly veiled criticisms of him. so i asked her if she wanted to be introduced, to which she replied flatly, "no, that's not necessary." and she said she would talk to him only to "grill" him. um... 'nuff said. the girl is a control freak.
Recommended Posts