Hang in there or give up?

[tgrgrlx]

Hi ! I am a 37 year old woman & have been dating a truly wonderful man for 6 months now. I am in love with him & want to marry him, of that I have no doubt. The problem is that he never really seems to have time for me. He adores my kids & they feel the same about him. Since day one he has been very upfront with me & even told me on the first night that we met that he was a "trainwreck" & I may want to run..! My response to that was "well.. i'm a "plane crash" so we're perfect for each other! He had just come out of a 6 yera relationship with a woman who tried to control him & then ultimatley cheated on him when he was out of town on buisness.. I knew from the beginning that he wasen't ready for anything to serious, to fast.. He also has several buisness's & works ALL the time. I admire that in him.. but I need time also. He does wonderful things for me & my children including remodeling the house I just moved into! Our sex life is .. well.. lets say... slim to none! I know that he cares for me very much, but he has never said "I love you".. I have! (uncomfortably so)..because I don't want to scare him. He also has LOTS of female friends.. Sometimes he makes alot of references to us "growing old together" & then a week later he withdrawls again. His father was a successful engineer (like him) & gave up his carreer for family. My boyfriend has told me that he wants to retire @ 40 & that he will not be "his dad".. that he will have his fortune first, then family. I just don't know how he really feels & where I fit into his future. I have needs also! but he doesen't like to talk very much about us.. I'm very confused& don't want to end it. My friend thinks maybe he's using cocaine, which would explain some things, but asking him would only push him intohis shell. He wants me to trust in him.. But I just don't know what to think! Can anyone offer me any objective advice?? Please!

BTW.. he is 38 years old & very mature, not an indecisive 25 year old, he should know what he wants..

[fishtaco]

LOL, where does that "he uses cocaine" thing comes from? But if you suspect he is, I recommend dumping him.

 

Anyway, sounds to me he already gave you the answer to your question. He's going to work on his finances first, you come in second. Also there are men out there with low sex drive. Are you okay with that?

 

And he does know what he wants, and he told you. I'm thinking it's your wishful thinking that's making things seem ambiguous:

 

I think he does genuinely care about you. Some people show their care by physical affection, some verbalize it, some show it by doing things for you. I think maybe he's the "doing things for you" type. I mean he helped you remodel your house?! Dude, send him over, I'm a straight guy and I'll tell him I love him and kiss him on the cheeks if he would help me remodel my house.

 

But that doesn't change the fact that he already flat out told you that you are priority #2. So, are you okay with #2? I assume you're not on a timeline to get married and have kids, like some of the early 30's women are. If you can wait, you have the option of waiting for him to settle down then once priority #1 is taken care of, you may become the next priority #1. But as always, there are no guarantees in life, and it's impossible for people on this forum to tell which way it's going to go. You're the only one that has the most information to make that judgment call. It's a gamble. You are betting your time for a relationship that could potentially work out in the long run.

 

But if you can't wait or don't want to make the gamble, then have an honest talk with him. Don't position it like you're trying to snag him, he's already over-sensitive to controlling women. Position it like this is what I want, but I don't want to mess up what you want, can we reach a compromise? Make him pressure himself, instead of you pressuring him. You do this by setting the parameters of that the goal is, but let him have the flexibility to decide how he wants to reach there.

 

If a compromise can't be worked out, and you're boyfriend girlfriend already, then it's pretty tricky to back off. Many times it's all or nothing, where an ambiguous non-exclusive relationship you can actually have some room to maneuver. You could try to downgrade to non-exclusive. You could try to use his unwillingness to meet what you need as bargaining chip to downgrade. Then you can date other men and have more options. But he could react badly and decide he rather break it all off.

[SpikeyChick]

LOL, where does that "he uses cocaine" thing comes from? But if you suspect he is, I recommend dumping him.

 

 

Unless you have evidence that he is using coke , then do not dump him because of what your "friend" says - I suggest that you dump your friend instead. That was a very unhelpful comment.

I have an engineering degree and I teach math and science. I have also been a practising consulting engineer for ten years . The vast majority of my colleagues are men amd it is rare for a physical scientist to do drugs especially at the age of your man.

The mindset of your man is typical of engineers- they are usually devoted to their profession and fiercely devoted to their art.

 

Male engineers are the typically "salt of the earth" type of guy. However you will always have to share him with his love of science and the business of engineering.

 

These guys are logical and they "reason" their way though life. DO not ever expect him to join you in your emotional universe- he will agree to make a quick visit to the world of feelings, BUT is is not a place that he enjoys .

[fishtaco]

Unless you have evidence that he is using coke , then do not dump him because of what your "friend" says - I suggest that you dump your friend instead. That was a very unhelpful comment.

 

My bad, SpikeyChick is right. You need solid evidence, don't dump him just because you have a hunch, or because someone else said so.

[tgrgrlx]

Thank oyu for your reply & I do agree with you . I don't know about the coke thing, but I do know that even if he were doing it I would not judge him.. not unless he had a MAJOR problem with it. I am a very non-judgemental person & believe that we should "live and let live". What you said about his profession & his mindset is very true. I know that he is devoted to his work, but it's hard to be in love with someone & know that he doesen't have time for you & is not ready for "your love". You also are right on about the emotional things. He told me once a few months ago that we "balance each other out" & that we are good for each other. I am the opposite side of the coin from him though.. Love, love & more love is what I have inside of me & I admit that I can be a bit romantic & dreamy... But from day one I believe that this is what he liked about me. The fact that I am loyal & serious & not just in this for a fling. I am in this for the long haul. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I want to marry him, so he knows exactly where I stand on that. So my next question is that knowing that why does he keep coming back ? It's definatly NOT the sex...LOL.. & how do I find a way to accept that he wants me but right now he is just to busy for love & to be settled down ? Do I wait? Do I start seeing other people? Still confused in FL...

[SpikeyChick]

Do I wait? Do I start seeing other people? Still confused in FL...

 

This is what you do -- you do the obvious .You tell him, while looking him in the eye, " I love you and I want to spend more time with you."

THis guy is an engineer - he has NO time or patience or tolerance for wishy- washy girly hints.. EVERY day he deals with the real world AS IT IS in front of him . AS he finds it.

If you want to have him slowly enter your world of feelings and romance , then you need to go into his world first.

The way to do that is to be DIRECT with him without coming off and begging or pleading or desperate. Do not try to manipulate an Engineer.You will regret it later when he finds out.

[tgrgrlx]

I would NEVER try to manipulate him.. #1, thats not my nature, #2 even if I were like that he'd see right through it. He has alot of inner issues (in my opinion) & would & never will admit to them, weather it be hiding a deep hurt & resentment towars his ex, or even the feelings of love that I believe he may have for me. To be honest I think it's because of that

that he wont allow himself to really "love me". I also am certain that he tests me alot. I neglected to mention in my prior posts that he also gave me a second job doing patent research & buisness research for him, back in Decemeber, not long after we started. I needed a second job & was planning to get one waiting tables or sometthing like that to sipplement my income & one day he just comes over & hands me a contract to sign agreeing to work for him, confidentiality, etc, etc.. He also has left many things "undone" in my house as far as my remodel goes. He gets annoyed with me when I try to do them myself, b/c truthfully I tend to screw things up trying to teach myself..Lol But the reason I think he gave me the job, leaves things unfinished, talks about growing old with me is to assure himself that no matter how busy he gets or "forgets" to spend time with me, that I will still be tied to him. I think it's his way of keeping me involved. Does that make sense ?? Lol.. I was just driving home from work & saw him in traffic.. on his way to Home Depot (go figure!). I asked him.. Are you going to blow me off again tonite??? He laughed & said no.. We will see.. Every since we started dating he started this ritual about Sunday "family" dinner nights with me & my children. Well, this past Sunday he skipped it due to work & "being" tired".. Then I made fried chicken & planned a Memorial Day beach picnic for us with the kids & he got stuck roofing his friends house all day, so my next idea was Monday nught dinner.. no show (he did call though, same excuse), & last but not least last night... What do ya think.. No pookie.. I can;t come over .. to tired & to much work. I also neglected to metion that he has 2 construction buisness's that he does from daylight till dark, which is what funds his inventions & mortgage, etc... Do you see what i'm up against. I have to say though.. if he stands me up tonite I am taking him all of his things & walking away. I am to young, loving , caring & attractive to be sitting at home alone pining away for someone if it isn't ever going to amount to anyhthing. It's the last thing I want, but i've been down this road before.. putting 200 % of myself into a relationship only to find out months & years later that they were cheating or not ready for commitment. And yes. I DO want marriage & a lifetime together. I will be 38 in the fall & I want to be remarried by the time I am 40.. Is that so much to ask... I have proven my devotion.. I am just at a loss

[fishtaco]

I will be 38 in the fall & I want to be remarried by the time I am 40.. Is that so much to ask... I have proven my devotion.. I am just at a loss

 

Actually yes, it is too much to ask. You're talking about finding someone with marriage quality within 2 years. That's not easy to do unless you compromise. If you compromise when it comes to marriage, then one day that compromise could cause a divorce. Within that short period of time, the only thing that can help you is luck.

 

That also changes the game completely. You have to be married in 2 years. You don't have time to waste. You have to make your decisions quick. If it doesn't work out with one guy, because you see a warning sign or he's not moving forward, you HAVE to cut it off and move on to the next. You can't afford to hang in limbo for 6 months while you wait and see what happens.

 

Does your man see himself being re-married in 2 years? If not, then seems like none of the other issues would even make any difference.

[tgrgrlx]

He has never been married but as I mentioned before he was in a 6 year relationship that ended not long before he & I met. I guess I should rephrase my comments a bit. I don't have a "marriage timeline" so much as I just want to have common goals & be working towards that. You know? I mean even if the marriage idea isn't a first thought, just knowing that we are a "couple" and that we are planning a future together. I was into games & playing around in my 20's.. but there is something to be said for "growing up" & putting the head & heart games to rest. I am at the point in my life where I know what I want & do not want to settle for less. I have done it before, always sacraficing my needs & wants to keep the other person happy. I just don't have it in me anymore.. I am a very real person & I do wear my heart on my sleeves a bit to much. But you know.. aren't we all here for the same reason? To love and be loved ? To have someone to coook dinner with, watch movies, laugh with etc? I just think that he is the most wonderful man & yes! definatly "husband material". I don't want to push, but I do want to know if we are on the same page or not.. And I know that is not to much to ask...

[Tomcat33]

And yes. I DO want marriage & a lifetime together. I will be 38 in the fall & I want to be remarried by the time I am 40.. Is that so much to ask... I have proven my devotion.. I am just at a loss

 

 

Yes that IS a lot to ask especially from a man that is not even half as invested as you are.

 

Look I have read all your posts and the more you disclose the more it is so obvious that this man is just not ready to be with you other than on his own terms. If you are saying "I love you" to a man that can't even reciprocate that either in words or actions then you are living a unilateral relationship. Unfortunately I can't see this getting any better unless one of two things happens.

 

1. You give him more time and settle for doing it on his terms compromising your own needs

 

2. Accept this relationship for what it is and learn to enjoy what you CAN get from him and let go of your expectations for more.

 

 

I won't tell you break up and cut your losses but DO evaluate why you are hanging on to him when you are not getting even half of what you want.

 

I know this girl that met a guy online and she was headover for him from day one and she came on REALLY strong, she basically had sex with him on the first week they met then on the week she was planning extravagant dinners with a very intricate romantic production for him at home, basically the type of thing you do for someone you love on Valentine's day or his b-day. Anyway they went out a few more times and he dumped her, she was heart broken. Fastfoward to five months later he is back in the picture not overly enthused but more into it than the first time around. So they date for about two years and decide to build a summer home together still no talks of marriage, they live together but he no signs of marriage and she feels he is distant a lot of the time. She wants marriage she pushes and pushes she gets pregnant instead still no marriage proposal. A few months into the pregnancy he decides we might as well get married if we are going to have a kind so he eventually pops the question.

 

She has the baby they married and at all this she is COMPLETELY miserable because he is just not that into her, he never was and never will and now with the baby in the picture he is gotten worse than before with her.

He avoids spending time with her and though he has been extremely good as a father he just keeps pulling away more and more from her and she is very depressed.

 

I lost touch with our common acquaintance so I am not sure how she is doing but that rel. was doomed from the get-go TOO one sided from day one and though he DID come around eventually somewhat, look at what she got stuck with.

 

 

you gotta think do you want a man to love you and be a good companion and friend or do your want to be married at 40 at any cost?

[tgrgrlx]

Thanks Tomcat.. Yea.. the truth hurts sometimes doesen't it. Well.. I guess for now, I will just be happy with what I do have & take him anyway I can get him. I happen to think he's worth the effort :-)

They say.. "Good things come to those who wait"..

[tgrgrlx]

Ok. Here I am agin with more confusing questions. My boyfriend came over last night for dinner , he was over an hour late, due to work as usual. I didn't really give him to much of a hard time about it until he said that he wouldn't be satying over. He had promised me that he would & so I was pissed. With the exception of last nights dinner I have only seen him twice in about 2 weeks, b/c he's so busy with worki & he's got deadlines to meet, etc, etc. We talked a bit about how i've been feeling & everything basically was ok. He was fixing some computer glitches on my pc & I was standing behind him rubbing his neck, kissing him, hugging him etc. I took off my shorts & top with nothing left but my "sexy" undies (I planned) & I walked around in front of him & straddled his lap trying to make out, etc. He said "No.. no no pookie. I have to eat desert & go.. I can't be doing this, & getting all tired & worn out when I have to go home & work". I was like "why ? It's a good thing.. & I miss you & want you". He said " I know it's good.. too good, & I will end up getting tired & laying down, falling asleep & sleeping here & I just can't. I have work to do at home". I told him" who said anything about "laying down". I 'll do ya right here on this chair". He said "very cute panties buy the way & grabbed my hips, picked me up & moved me off of him. !!! I felt so rejected & unwanted. I was so hurt. He ate his dessert & asked if he could sit next to me, & i'm like.. of course. The I asked him "what do you do? For love, for closeness ? " He said " I don't need it right now in my life, it's a distraction & I can't have any right now. I KNOW & truly believe he is not seeing other people, but I don't know.. It just doesen't seem normal!! Is this also typical" engineer mentality" It's driving me nuts! I won't ask him again if there is someone else b/c I believe him when he says he'd tell me . I also know that he has NO energy for me, so how the hell could he have someone else? All he has time for is work..

what should I do? I want to be with him, wait it out, I ust don't know if it's going to get better or worse. He said that after his deadlines are met next week that he'd be back to normal, spending more time with me, staying the night, etc. he also wouldn't leave here last night without talking to the kids first, ( they were at their dads , he had me call them ) he asked me prior to talking to them how the kids were taking him not being around as much latley. I told him the truth. They think something is wrong. He said well, didn;t you tell them I 've been working alot?' I said yes.. I told them, & he said well, should I tell them, ? Talk to them & let them know things will be normal again soon? I said yea, you should. So if this man doesen't have a vested interest in me, then why would he go to such great lenghts to make sure my kids know that things are ok ??