ScarredStar Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Last night my partner of one year and I split up. It started yesterday morning when I got frustrated about not seeing him too much recently. He spends a lot of time with his mother since his Dad died six months ago. Of course I dont begrudge the fact he spends time with his mother, but he was with her on Christmas, New Years, my birthday, Valentines...you get my point. I was hurt that I never got to spend the first of any of the special events in our relationship with him. Anyway, he told me didnt have time for a relationship at the minute. Surely asking for a day or two of his time, as I have not saw him in 2 weeks, was not much to ask, especially as our year anniversary would have been on Thursday. Any time I put a little pressure on and want time with him, he pulls the same lines; he doesnt have time for a relationship, doesnt feel the way he used to. Things like that. Also brought up our age gap (11 years), but he knew that from the start. He didnt contact me for the rest of the day. Last night he started texting me again. To make a long story short and without leaving out important details, he doesnt feel the same way for me as he did before. However just a month before we had a real indepth conversation. He told me that when he started seeing me, he was at a point in his life that he wanted to end it. He had felt like that for years. He didnt like who he was. But since he started going out with me, he learned he could be loved for who he was, and his confidence started coming back. Which is true. He's so happy recently, made new friends, changed his image and outlook on life. Apart from that he didnt change, he was still the person I fell in love with. I was happy to see him regain himself and happy again. In fact, with his new found confidence, I felt our relationship was great. We had even discussed moving in together a few days before. He says that since his confidence came back, he has had a completely new outlook on life. Everything has changed, the way he thinks, the way he feels. I hadnt noticed a massive change in him, but he says its made him realise that he doesn't care about me like he should. When we were together we never really bonded. I suggested we try that and see if we can get the old feelings back, but he says he doesnt think they will. He says he waited for a few months to see how he would feel, but nothing changed. I didnt know about that. How does he expect things to change if he didnt put any effort in? I dont get how his confidence affects our relationship. I love him, he loved me, but still cares about me. I really do feel there is still potiental. Since his 'change', he didnt give this relationship a chance and he knows it. He says we will discuss it later. I just keep getting mixed excuses and reasons...its hard to know exactly what he means. One minute, he only likes me as a friend, next he cares a lot. i dont know what to do. Advice would be great please.
justine4 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 If he only started questioning his feelings for you a few months ago - would that co-incide with the death of his father? Maybe how he describes his feelings changing for you is a reaction to this major event in his life?
kizik Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Anyway, he told me didnt have time for a relationship at the minute. Surely asking for a day or two of his time, as I have not saw him in 2 weeks, was not much to ask, especially as our year anniversary would have been on Thursday. Any time I put a little pressure on and want time with him, he pulls the same lines; he doesnt have time for a relationship, doesnt feel the way he used to. Things like that. To me this says it all. My ex spent all the holidays w/ her fam; I came along, but always felt ignored. Basically she stopped having time for me. How did that feel? Awful, absolutely terrible. Well, we split, for a variety of reasons. It comes down to this: I don't wanna be w/ somebody who doesn't put me first and doesn't have f*cking time for me.
justaman99 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I was in a relationship when my father passed away a couple years ago. depending on the relationship he had with his father, the loss of a father to a son is probably if not the toughest thing a man can go through. Shortly after my father's passing I broke up with my girlfriend. There were some other underlying issues but the fact was I couldn't give her what she needed while I dealt with this very traumatic event. I was lost in my life with no guidance anymore, I had to grow up and become my own man and start taking on the direction myself. I know some may say that if you can't deal with hardships in life with your partner then you're not in a solid relationship. Well in my case at that time I wasn't sure I could manage both. I had never been in this position before and didn't know how to deal. I know today that if a person loves you and you love them then having them in your life is more important than just saying goodbye when life hits us. What happens then is the relationship kind of stalls as the guy in this case deals with this heavy loss. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, it's just that his mind and heart are hurt and it will strain the relationship for a little while. It's a rough road, one that takes an experience like this to understand how to deal with it. That's just my 2 cents. -Just
D-Lish Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hey you, I'm sorry about your situation. If your bf was at the point in his life that he wanted to end things- I think it's safe to say he was experiencing some depression. That, culminating with the death of his father must make for some pretty heavy emotional trauma. When people are depressed, it's very difficult to find room in themselves to love others. They struggle so much with their own sadness, that it's difficult to "give" anything of themselves. I am sure he is clinging to his mother at the moment, as they work through such a devastating loss. Loss and depression can change people- and as much as you want to remain the light at the end of his tunnel... it's probably something he can't see or deal with at the moment. Please don't internalize his issues and own them as a rejection of you- I am sure that isn't the case here. It sounds as if he needs space and time to work through his issues... therapy and perhaps even medication may be an answer if he had actually been considering "ending things". That's a pretty major sign of someone who is lost and in need of help. Have you suggested he talk to his doctor?
Author ScarredStar Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 We had more of a talk last night. I think I'm starting to accept that its over. Just last week we had a conversation about our future, about living together, things like that. I asked him why he discussed all that stuff with me if he knew it was never going to happen. He said it was because he was trying to kid myself, hoping that he was wrong about loosing his feelings for me because he really didnt want to. He thought it was best to break up with me now as opposed to letting it run on for any longer. He said I was an amazing person and he was so sorry hes hurt me. He wanted things to work so badly. So yeah, I guess that relationship is dead with no hope now.
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