Laurenwho Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Honesty, need your opinions- do I expect too much? My guy and I have been together going on six years. He's talked about marriage and wanting kids etc. But he is a workaholic who is never around!! We live together and moved in after dating for a year. We have a beautiful home, are financially secure and have same values, etc. But we never see each other! He works two jobs (one is a job he really enjoys but does not need and makes only $7 hr there). I've asked him to cut back on this job so we can spend more time together and instead he suggested giving up his guy's night out. Well he hasn't done that either yet!! And he promised me as of May 1st he'd make more time for me and so far he hasn't. he always has excuses. He did take one night off from guy's night to spend with me and I made sure it was a pleasant evening. We only see eachother one whole day on the weekend and maybe a half hour every day during the week. That is it. If I wanted to stay up till midnight I could see him a little longer each day. but I have to be at work by 8am so I don't like staying up that late. I work full time, have friends to hang out with ocassionally, volunteer and all that so its not like I"m sitting at home alone and bored. But I want to see more of him!!! It is so difficult to have a relationship with someone who feels like a stranger. To give you an idea of how often we see eachother- Friday and Saturday did not see him at all! I went to visit my parents (hours away) and he had to work -as usual- so he could not go. So I only talked to him on the phone for a few minutes each day. ON sunday I came home early (got up at 6am so I could drive home and suprise him while he was still in bed) I was exhausted and just wanted to fall asleep next to him. He didnt' say he missed me or anything, just cuddled with me and I was almost asleep and He starts trying to take my clothes off and I told him no I was too tired so he literally starts humping my leg and talking about how horny I am making him and so I give in and try to give him a hj just so he'll leave me alone. That doesn't work so he literally just rubs against me until he gets off. I can't sleep now because I am irritated. The rest was a nice day- we went out to lunch and shopping for groceries and stuff he needed for around the house. It was his nephew's birthday and we were invited but did not go as we had chores around the house to do. I mowed the lawn while he did some fix up projects around the house. when we were done, he watched tv and sat beside me. I wanted to go see fireworks that were being held about twenty minutes away and he threw a fit saying he hates the crowds. We used to go see them every year with him working traffic control every other year. (so I'd have to go with someone else) The last year he went it was to work traffic control and he promised me the next year we'd go together and that was two years ago and we have not been back!! I told him I'd go with a friend of mine and that started an argument because he said I"m always "bitching" at him to spend time with me and now I was going to leave to go somewhere without him. He said he would go with me but not without throwing a fit about the situation. I decided I did not want to go because he'd already ruined the idea by getting angry about it. I did not want to fight so I just stayed home and basically ignored him the rest of the night. On monday he went to work (his part time low paying job) so I went to a memorial day parade with a friend. I got back home around 1pm and my boyfriend was already home. He was working on his truck and asked me to help. I did and then he continued working and I went inside and watched tv. I asked him what he wanted to do that day and he said he just wanted to relax. That consisted of him either working on his truck (nothing else I could do to help him) or laying on the couch watching tv (separate couch from the one I was sitting on) I decided I did not want to sit around so I left and went to a friend's house. He asked me to pick up a pizza for him on the way back. I spent about two hours at the friend's house and came home. My boyfriend thanks me for the pizza and soon wants to have sex. I gave in just because I wanted some attention and the sex was terrible- it hurt and I just wanted it to be over with. I just wasn't in the mood and hated him touching me and thats why it hurt. He told me he loved me afterward. Then we hardly spoke for the rest of the night. He watched tv and fell asleep on the couch and I made his dinner for the next day and did my laundry. Before I went to bed he told me how much he enjoyed the weekend and how he felt he got alot done and it was a great weekend. My take on it was that I was basically ignored all weekend (with the exception of him taking me out to lunch and shopping) except when I was being used to get him food or get him off. I know I'm making him sound like an a**h*le and obviously there are some good things about him or I wouldn't be with him in the first place but right now my thoughts are so negative toward him because all I want is for him to spend more time with me and he says he's "trying" but does nothing about it. Do I just expect too much in a relationship?
theobserver Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Read some of the threads around here, check out the cheating section. I can't express this enough I can see you coming back here in a few months time saying something along the lines of "I cheated on my boyfriend " This seems to happen alot with the workaholic partner paticularly the male. No longer spending enough time with the girlfriend/wife working too hard perhaps selfishly thinking she doesnt need to be treated like theyre on theyr first date anymore. Eventually the girlfriend will be spending too much time at a guy friends place or go out clubbing with girlfriends and meet some guy. A guy that will sweep her off her feet treat her like a lady yarda yarda and then you realise you've made a mistake. Do you like that future because at the moment it's what will possibly happen. What to do what to do. Let me ask you a question what exactly do you do? Seriously from what I got from your post he's working 2 jobs you seem to be at home are you working at all? I apologise if you are but maybe if you both worked he wouldn't have to work 2 jobs and you'd probably understand he's having to work to mantain BOTH your lifestyles. Bills, leisure etc. Again if Im wrong just mention it ina reply. You need to be careful, I suggest you have a god talk with him. Explain you understand he has to work hard for "US" but mention you are a woman and you're feeling neglected, sometimes you'd rather go to a friends because he wants to do nothing fun with you like he used to. This could go very well or it could go badly but I really hope he will look past it. I bite my lip on this one MAYBE even show him this forum let him read my post , the whole sex comment you made when you made love with him does not make him look like a fool it's understandable .(message in quotes is only if you get him to read it depends how cool headed he is. "You were ignored most of the day and then he wants to GET SOME sorry bro you dropped the ball but you can make it right but your girlfriend needs to make an effort too. " End of the day you need to talk to him, openly with no fear but with respect. If my girlfriend talked to me about these issues I'd want to do something before she's led astray. He might throw some words about like I pay for your food,clothes luxuries etc let him get it all out. This is also abit extreme but you mentioned a lawn for some reason I get the idea your ina suburb can you afford to live there? what's the money situation like. Lower your lifestyles and he wont have to work as hard but I'm can't tell you what to do maybe you're looking for an escape. Atleast you have parents nearby if you plan to end it nows the time.
Author Laurenwho Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Thank you for your reply- I do work 40 hours a week, I am rarely home by myself, I volunteer at an animal rescue, hang out with friends etc. But I want to spend time with the person I am in a relationship with. He does not work because he HAS to. He works the 2nd job because he loves it. He worked both jobs for several years and was working both when we started dating. The difference is, he made time for me back then and our relationship didn't suffer. This man wants to get married and have kids!!! I can not imagine having children with him the way he works so much. I would basically be a single mother! Yes, I've been tempted to seek out companionship elsewhere but I don't want to go that route. I would be crushed if he cheated on me so I wouldn't do that to him. I wouldn't be TRYING to work on our relationship if I wanted to stray. He doesn't pay for any of my clothes, my car etc. I pay my own bills. He does pay the house payment because the house is in his name only. I pay our utility bills and for groceries. All I am asking for is 5 extra hours a week!! One evening that he could spend with me. I've already had the talk with him. THis was back in January and was when he told me he would have everything taken care of and worked out by May first. I asked him about it the other day when he was talking about his coworker having to work 6 days a week and this coworker has a new baby (3 weeks old) and the coworker was telling him how his own dad worked all the time and was never there for him and he didn't want to end up like that. My boyfriend was telling me this story about his coworker being afraid he didn't have enough time to see his new baby and I said to my boyfriend that this was exactly what I feared if we had kids. He assured me that no, he would cut back working once we had kids. NO way!! If he can't make time for me I am NOT going to have children with him and expect him to make time to be with them. If I'm not important enough to him to spend more time with I am definately not having kids with him. And no, my parents live 4 hours away so I do not have any family nearby if I leave him. I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to make more time with me. What is so wrong with me that I can't convince someoen who supposedly loves me to spend more than 1 day a week with me?
theobserver Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 I feel for you, It's quite mind boggling. First of all I apologise I'm glad you can prety much look after yourself and you are and the thought of cheating is not an option. I seriously don't get what's up with your man I hope someone here that's had a similar situation can chip in. So the second job is just a passion job.. this really depends on what it is and I by no means don't even like this route but is there anyway you can get involved and be present just see exactly why he likes it there so much. (I'm not saying straight up spy) I personally would of dropped it and used the extra time like you were hoping to spend with you. Try and arrange something with him a good ol' night out but not something predictable like dinner. Make it something fresh I think he needs a spark I just get this feeling in the back of my mind he might just feel being home and doing things with you out of home (that you may have both usually done is boring ) but he ofcourse still loves you. Which is why you should try something fresh see if that gets him going then maybe he'll realise he's wasting precious time that could be spent with you. This isn't the best advice I can give but I hope you can grab something from it, and again I hope someone else can give an opionion. I wish you the best in life and good luck you seem like a great person.
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