curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Going to try to stay away from any detail here - in a nutshell, we've been together for 4 years. I am ow 43 he is nearly 52. We have faced life's ups and downs together, etc. Since our very first date, I've made it clear I wanted to get married. At the time I said I thought two years was too long not to have gotten married at our ages. However he was facing some struggles, so I let that timeline slide. Early March I told him I was starting to resent him - that I wanted to either take the next step, or we needed to go our separate ways. Repeated that in April. He begged me for more time, I told him I would try. So here we are, nearly June, and still no talk of marriage from him. Am I being unreasonable in that it's only been 2 months since he begged for more time? How do I just walk away? I thought about it this weekend. He is my best friend and my other half. I just don't know how to stop.
carhill Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Just tell him you'll be happy to hear from him when a marriage proposal is on his lips. Evidently, legal marriage is a deal-maker for you, so you should not compromise yourself to be with him. It's scary to start over but I recall you're a pretty independent sort so have a great opportunity to find someone who is both compatible and marriage-minded. The trick will be reconciling your attraction to the aloof type, which presumably this gentleman has characteristics of. A marriage minded man won't present as much of a challenge, so you might become bored. Just be watchful for that. At 53, this guy knows what he wants and isn't going to change. I'm nearly there and I can say this with almost absolute certainty. In my case, if I get D, I will certainly want to be married again in the future, but that's my perspective. Interestingly, I find many women my age to be much like your BF, not wanting to get "tied down" to a man through marriage. They're successful and independent and enjoy their freedom. I admire that. Doesn't change me though Break up with him and see if either of your perspectives change. Sounds like that is the only way this will reconcile. Wish I had better news.
Woggle Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Why do you want to get married so bad in the first place? If everything else is going well why does a piece of paper matter so much?
sam light Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I was in his shoes once. I wanted everything to stay as is, she wanted the next step. She tried to bring it up, but I avoided the subject and deluded myself into thinking the issue was dead. She stopped talking about it and lined up a new BF. After 4 years she just up and left. First I begged her to come back to our usual status, then I offerred to take the next step, but it was too late. I'd say tell him bluntly that it isn't working for you and you will end it. He'll pretend that isn't the case. Keep on him to understand it's a fact and he'll have to address it. Tell him a trial separation is in order, and that he should spend the next month? thinking about whether or not the relationship is to progress or end. I don't mean it to sound like blackmail, it's more like getting his attention and knowing it's real.
Kamille Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I'm sorry you're still struggling with this. My R ended over a month ago, and it really hurt, but now I am starting to feel better, stronger, more balanced then I have in months. Stagnating relationships are exhausting. Do it for yourself.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Thanks guys - I'll try the backing away strategy. There are a couple of upcoming events this would work well with. Of course I"m the idiot that went ahead and planned a vacation with him in September. ICK who cares - he can have it.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Why do you want to get married so bad in the first place? If everything else is going well why does a piece of paper matter so much? Woggle there are other contributing factors here. Regardless does it really matter why? It's something that is important to me.
Trialbyfire Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 What I've found is that you have to set hard boundaries for some men. The more chances you give them, the less they believe you mean it and continue trying to avoid meeting your needs because it doesn't suit their agenda. Until you step down from this cycle, it can continue in perpetuity, creating greater dependency on them and eroding on your self-esteem.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 OK folks so I've put up with it for this long, I think I should wait until after his birthday (july 16) for which we already have plans. But I"ll cut back participation in other things. Cool?
carhill Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 OP, not saying this is applicable to your R, but some guys are so obvious about this stuff it's like I can see through them. What they do is let you pressure and posture and gripe and whine and threaten..... and then they "give" just enough, but not anything super important to them, to keep you on the hook. It's kinda like the guy who "marks" his woman before she goes away on a business trip by having sex with her. He might not care otherwise, but wants that psychological impression to be in her mind when in contact with other males. It's really comical, at least to me I will predict now, if you set a hard consequence, your man will give just enough to keep your interest and he'll do it very smoothly, sincerely and convincingly. He might go as far (I'd be shocked) as to take you shopping for "some rings", while carefully monitoring your reaction. OK, your job is to prove me wrong Happy to be so.... Yeah, I think his BD will be quite interesting...
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Carhill I last tried to end it on April 8th. I told him it was clear to me that we did not want the same things. I said that I did not want him to marry me unless it was something he wanted with every fiber of his being, which clearly he did not want - therefore it was time to go our separate ways. (this was in the shrink's office btw) He cried told me he loves me, he realy does and begged me for more time - to which I responded that I would try. That is why my first post asked - what is enough time? He already knows I'm on thin ice -so IMHO 2 months is oodles of time - I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable.
carhill Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Time is an interesting thing, isn't it. So fluid, yet so well defined I think, if you plan on having a quiet moment after celebrating his BD (on his BD), it's time to sit him down and have the talk. You've been clear about what you want, probably since the beginning, so there's no ambiguity. Just tell him you can't be involved with him anymore until he's decided that the level of commitment you want is what he wants too. He can take all the time he wants, just not on your dime. If/when he decides in the affirmative, and if you're still available/desirous, you can then proceed. Not wanting to get married is a deal breaker for you. Say that out loud. It's not unreasonable. It's what you want in life. Anyone who loves you will respect that. If it was me and I didn't want that for myself, even if I loved you, I'd respect you enough to let you go. Part of love is selflessly sharing another's happiness, even if divergent from one's own, IMO. He's a big boy. He should know these things
nittygritty Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Carhill I last tried to end it on April 8th. I told him it was clear to me that we did not want the same things. I said that I did not want him to marry me unless it was something he wanted with every fiber of his being, which clearly he did not want - therefore it was time to go our separate ways. (this was in the shrink's office btw) He cried told me he loves me, he realy does and begged me for more time - to which I responded that I would try. That is why my first post asked - what is enough time? He already knows I'm on thin ice -so IMHO 2 months is oodles of time - I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you really want to walk away and if the relationship is great in every other way, then maybe you shouldn't. If marriage is a huge issue to him its possible that he might be the type whose personality would change considerably if he were to choose to marry you rather than lose you. Some people do change into a preconceived role that they think that being married means and if its something they learned from being raised by or observing their dysfunctional parents marriage, then they could possibly slip into a similiar way of functioning once they're married. He may be the best partner he can be to you without being married or if you were to just accept the relationship as it is without being married and perhaps just be willing to live together for the rest of your lives, he may eventually feel secure enough, in that the relationship truly benefits both of you and isn't going to change for the negative, which may eventually remove all of his fears about getting married, to the point that he's ready to make it official.
sb129 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 One wonders what he wants the time FOR? He is 52, not 22 for pitys sake, if he can't make a decision like that in six weeks then he will never make it. Sorry to hear about this CNYCGirl, I really like you and feel sad for your predicament. I would be so torn if I were in your shoes- torn in exactly the same way you are. If getting married is so important to you- you need to tell him WHY, or have you already?
Karyyk Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Well, the fact that be begged for more time is a good sign, at least in my mind, it shows he cares. I say give him some more time, and don't make it a set date, but don't concede to letting him drag it out too much longer. I did that, and had to break off my relationship after six years. I ended up resenting her a great deal, and still do, because I felt that she had led me on (even if that wasn't the case). Ultimately, I had to break it off due to my own desperation and despair. I shouldn't have allowed it to get to that point.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Wow sb thanks, I like you too (I'm always stunned when people here remember who I am) - reality is we live over an hour apart. With the price of gas, we only see eachother weekends. I would like a partner to share life with, share responsibilities, joys, etc. To see everyday, to be with dammit! I have rolled on many, MANY issues here. The one thing I will not cave in on is that I keep a kosher home and will continue to do so until I am married (or at least planning the ceremony - am not planning a big party for several reasons). I am not going to turn all my kosher stuff non-kosher for playing house. And he refuses to live in a kosher home. So we continue to live separately. There are other issues - but that is the crux of the situation.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Well, the fact that be begged for more time is a good sign, at least in my mind, it shows he cares. I say give him some more time, and don't make it a set date, but don't concede to letting him drag it out too much longer. I did that, and had to break off my relationship after six years. I ended up resenting her a great deal, and still do, because I felt that she had led me on (even if that wasn't the case). Ultimately, I had to break it off due to my own desperation and despair. I shouldn't have allowed it to get to that point. That is exactly what I am scared of. I am afraid I will just keep being strung along and will hit the point where I really begin to hate him.
nittygritty Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Wow sb thanks, I like you too (I'm always stunned when people here remember who I am) - reality is we live over an hour apart. With the price of gas, we only see eachother weekends. I would like a partner to share life with, share responsibilities, joys, etc. To see everyday, to be with dammit! I have rolled on many, MANY issues here. The one thing I will not cave in on is that I keep a kosher home and will continue to do so until I am married (or at least planning the ceremony - am not planning a big party for several reasons). I am not going to turn all my kosher stuff non-kosher for playing house. And he refuses to live in a kosher home. So we continue to live separately. There are other issues - but that is the crux of the situation. When you say kosher, do you mean religious reasons that also involve diet? Or that the two of you have different religious beliefs and that includes "not playing house"? I guess either way it sounds like the two of you disagree about a lot of issues and it does sound like being married is an important issue to you. I hope that the two of you can reach a compromise that your both happy with, even if that means moving on.
sb129 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 CNYCG- don't you just wish that your mom had got the matchmaker round a few years back? Kidding, kidding. Trying to lighten the mood.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 oh sb she did, I assure you - but those matchmakers just have no clue what to do with us 21st century women! You want to work outside the house, WHY?! Yes there have been religious issues, but we have resolved those. My point is I will not change that last bit of my life for less than a committment of marriage. It's really that simple.
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