Seeking Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I have posted before, in past few weeks. I will describe a short version of my life. Married 10 years, 2 kids, lots of fun until the period of about 2-3 years. I was too deep involved with work, not the hours, just the stress, I got mad easily, blew up over little things, no abuse, and it was quick and over fast. I didnt dwell on it, I accept it was my fault. I didnt show enough emotions, little of anything for her. I never thought it was so bad though. 6 months ago, she brings it up that we need to separate.I was a ghost, blank, speechless, scared and sad. I try and change, make it better, 2 months later, its not much better, but we talk hard again about it, I change 180, total turnaround. I am happy actually, give her the attention she wanted, and I want to give now, I see the light... I am in turmoil still... She did say she cares for me but not love me anymore back then, it seems to be a common thing here. So I try. It seems to get better, she dosent respond as much as expected I am maybe giving too much, asking whats wrong, if its getting better etc. She has a friend, a female friend , in a similar position, her marriage cannot be saved she is staying for the kids... Mine can be, I want to save it, take care of it and make it much much better for both of us and the kids. From the outside, no one sees our issues. So I have a talk again, never the one to communicate, I do now , ask the tough questions, show my love, reassure her. So it seems ok, then the next day, she calls tells me she is going away and needs time alone for a couple days. I am shocked, ask when, she is already halfway there, obviously arranged it thru the day. There is no one else, no other man. Lets assume this please, if so I know my answer, but I am 100% sure and would rather work with the fact there isnt with any advice. Anyway, she is gone where she is somewhat familiar from shopping trips etc, 2 hours away, so reasonable she would go there, to be alone in a hotel for couple days. I am scared ****less, then I come here again, I download Homer Mcdonalds book.... I read it, all night.... I see some great stuf, he has explained everything I have done wrong to a "T". According to him, I have done it all wrong. So I pull a few key phrases for her, she will call later in the evening... She does call, says she is tired and just wanted to make sure I knew she was ok and arrived and not wanting to spend time on the phone now. So I say, ok , I understand, goodnight. So that is where it stands right now this moment. I want to save this, with more than I can think. I have thought alot, thought all options, thought it all. I dont have the friends or support she does, actually I have none. We have friends, family friends, her friends, kids parents friends, etc etc, I dont have any now. So I have read here, alot. I would love some advice... solid advice... as soon as possible. I am somewhat relucten to use the wording Homer tells me with the phrase, "I would like our marriage to work, I agree with you it is impposible to save, So I will help you find a place and help you pack to move out." Is this a smart thing in this instance.. if not, what else , I need specifics. He was completly right with what I was doing wrong, will these statements hurt more. I am reluctent about that one, because this is also her house, together, I cant say leave, the kids etc... maybe phrased another way would be better for the last line such as " So I will help us both find places to live and pack" ? dosent sound right, but maybe you will understand.. Please dont tell me to pack it in a leave.. its not usefull advice for me, since I dont want that... She left to think... she obvious thinks its an option but also thinks there are options otherwise she would have just left. I have no where to go by the way, she has good family, parents etc. Please help .. thanks.
Author Seeking Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 I am surprised no one else is going through anything similar to this. No advice?
MyAbusa Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 No one is responding because you don't want to hear it (You state that in your second paragraph). You need to get your head out of the clouds & recognize why your wife has left you for two days, "alone", & wants little to no contact from you. This very same scenario has been told hundreds of times on this site alone. Her business out of town is plain as the nose on your face. If you refuse to recognize the source of your problem, how can you deal with the steps to fix the problem?
Author Seeking Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 No one is responding because you don't want to hear it (You state that in your second paragraph). You need to get your head out of the clouds & recognize why your wife has left you for two days, "alone", & wants little to no contact from you. This very same scenario has been told hundreds of times on this site alone. Her business out of town is plain as the nose on your face. If you refuse to recognize the source of your problem, how can you deal with the steps to fix the problem? Ok then let me have it in plain english. I honestly know she is not messing around, there is no one else. I get her cell bills, she has no email and does not know how to boot a computer. Anyway, she has no other time for him, she works , I reach her there whenever she should be there, she does not go out alone, with me or family or a friend, another female, sometimes coffee, they are gone 30 minutes... so I cannot believe its even possible.
TrustInYourself Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Seeking, I'm in the same position. Just back off and give her space. She's thinking about this rationally. She needs space. The more space I gave my wife and stop trying to control the situation, the more she missed me and considered that the marriage could possibly be worked on. I get a lot of advice here to cut her loose. I could do that very easily. I still love my wife, but I don't respect her as much as I once did. It's a matter of listening to your heart and doing what you think is right for your situation. If you value your wife and her feelings and hope to work on it, just back off. Do not argue with her. Control your anger and resentment for the time being. When she approaches you, tell her that you'd like to know about how she feels. Be prepared for the worst.
Author Seeking Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Seeking, I'm in the same position. Just back off and give her space. She's thinking about this rationally. She needs space. The more space I gave my wife and stop trying to control the situation, the more she missed me and considered that the marriage could possibly be worked on. I get a lot of advice here to cut her loose. I could do that very easily. I still love my wife, but I don't respect her as much as I once did. It's a matter of listening to your heart and doing what you think is right for your situation. If you value your wife and her feelings and hope to work on it, just back off. Do not argue with her. Control your anger and resentment for the time being. When she approaches you, tell her that you'd like to know about how she feels. Be prepared for the worst. I appreciate your advice.... Right now, she has been away since yesterday morning. She has called twice, at night before kids goto bed. She talks to them... asks them hoiw day went etc, they believe its work thing, nothing else. She does not want to talk to me now... I cant even use some Homer Mcdonald tips, because I dont get that far. Except, I sent her message, explaining some deep feelings, not begging, not pleading, but few lines acceptance the problmes, explaining true feelings etc. No pressure , just a solid I know I did wrong and what I did wrong was this... etc... So I would appreciate anymore advice. She is gone now , was couple days , she said now maybe for full week. That is alot of thinking. Full week alone in a hotel few hours away? I dont suspect anything with a man though at all. So what thoughts, what can I do to hel her miss me? I dont want the kids to miss talking nightly to her so dont want to avoid the call etc... Im hurt , sad and confused.. its a long hard battle... one you cannot control, but how do I fix it anyway.
TrustInYourself Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I appreciate your advice.... Right now, she has been away since yesterday morning. She has called twice, at night before kids goto bed. She talks to them... asks them hoiw day went etc, they believe its work thing, nothing else. She does not want to talk to me now... I cant even use some Homer Mcdonald tips, because I dont get that far. Except, I sent her message, explaining some deep feelings, not begging, not pleading, but few lines acceptance the problmes, explaining true feelings etc. No pressure , just a solid I know I did wrong and what I did wrong was this... etc... So I would appreciate anymore advice. She is gone now , was couple days , she said now maybe for full week. That is alot of thinking. Full week alone in a hotel few hours away? I dont suspect anything with a man though at all. So what thoughts, what can I do to hel her miss me? I dont want the kids to miss talking nightly to her so dont want to avoid the call etc... Im hurt , sad and confused.. its a long hard battle... one you cannot control, but how do I fix it anyway. The battle is letting go. The battle is not working on your marriage, but on your own life. The battle is life after her moving out. Right now, you hurt. Your emotions are raging and you want to fix things and lash out. It's going to take time for you to understand that this is a situation you have no control over. It's going to take time for you to be able to talk to her in a fashion that says, I'm willing to let go and help you do it because this isn't about me, it's about you. It's hard and it hurts and I know the pain is going to be intense, but it will come and go man. Give yourself some time to understand and heal too. My best advice is to talk it out with those you trust and care about.
onmyownagain Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I think you will probably have to accept, by the time each reaches this stage, most attempts to sort the marriage fail. I am sorry, but a lot of us are in the same position as you.
Author Seeking Posted June 1, 2008 Author Posted June 1, 2008 The battle is letting go. The battle is not working on your marriage, but on your own life. The battle is life after her moving out. Right now, you hurt. Your emotions are raging and you want to fix things and lash out. It's going to take time for you to understand that this is a situation you have no control over. It's going to take time for you to be able to talk to her in a fashion that says, I'm willing to let go and help you do it because this isn't about me, it's about you. It's hard and it hurts and I know the pain is going to be intense, but it will come and go man. Give yourself some time to understand and heal too. My best advice is to talk it out with those you trust and care about. I do appreciate your and everyone elses help. She is due home tommorrow. I have been nice, some Homer Mcdonald usage here, some just being frank with her.... havent told her I love her, havent pleased or begged , havent done any of that yet. She says, "You have changed, not the same person as before this week", I say, yes, I understand you need to make decisions and left, and I have been here holding down the fort, taking care of the kids, going to work and thinking of the decisions I have to make as well. She wanted to know what I meant by that, I just said, we all need to decide what to do in these situations, you decided to leave us here with no warning and stay away for a week, that maybe what you needed, if so I appreciate it. I left it at that. We talked some more and I wanted an answer why. What else are you not telling me, what is it your thinking about. Waiting for any bombshell, explaining we need to be honest with each other or we cannot resolve any issues no matter what the outcome. She said she is scared it will go back to the yelling, quick tempers etc... I ask what else, she said that is it.... Hrmm, if that is it, its hard to believe. I wouldnt run away, if that was it, seeing my changes so drastic, seeing me stick to my commitments to change and even realizing that I sound completly different. That I sounf like a different person, accepting and reasonable. If thats true, then the fear she states should not be as big a fear ... She says she gets uptight when planning things in future... she gets spooked or somthing... Anyway ... these are the things I need to contend with... She is home tommorrow... so I have tonite to think of how to handle it... Any advice? I have been listening ... 100% ... Thanks in advance...
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 and thinking of the decisions I have to make as well. She wanted to know what I meant by that Any advice? I have been listening ... 100% ... Thanks in advance... First, I want you to notice the fear she has that you will make a choice that you don't need her. She will only act out like she is no longer engaged in the relationship so long as you allow it! That said... I think your on a good path here. Is the bombshell your waiting on that you think there is another man involved? If that is the case she won't be completely honest with you unless she is sure the two of you are done. Your going to have to do some investigative work.
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