foxh1234 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hi everyone, I am sitting here this morning thinking about my ex gf ( brought on by the song email of course and her response to it) and how much I thought I needed her to be happy. Why do I feel this way ? I think back to a time before her, when I was single and remember that I felt great about myself and really enjoyed my life and my friends and family. Why do I now think that I need her to be happy ? The truth is I don't need her at all. I want her and that is a different thing all together. I am not even sure if I really want her now or I just want to go back to the safe place and have the pain stop. As I have said many times over the last week, I am feeling so much better but I still have to work through this stuff instead of just pushing it aside. If I weigh the good times against the bad with my ex, the bad would win hands down. So with that info, I can only assume that my feelings of missing her and needing her are just a normal reaction to the loss. It really helps me alot to come to this realization that the person I miss and want is really a made up fantasy in my mind. She is not the person that I dream of and she certainly is not the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. We don't need our ex's to make us feel whole. Once she cheated and moved on, she is not the person that I want, period. So if I really know that I don't want her and I also realize that I don't need her to be happy, as I was happy before I even knew her. Then I can move on knowing that there is really no need to continue to think about her. Our paths may cross down the road and I will cross that bridge at that time. I guess my point is, what we think we want and need is sometimes a made up thing in our heads. I am going to think of her as she really is and this should be enough to get me over her for good. I am just rambling, but this is why this site is so great. I can type whatever I am thinking and it is sure better to do that then keep it inside. I feel better already
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 How is the "working through" going? I have been taking the same approach and I am liking the results.
Author foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 How is the "working through" going? I have been taking the same approach and I am liking the results. Hi, I feel up and down. One day great, the next not so much. It has been 2 months and just over 1 month NC and perhaps I am expecting things to turn around too quickly, I don't know. My desire to get over this is very strong, but I also feel like I have to work through everything and not push stuff aside. I have never been through this before and it is really complicated. I feel like I am on the right path and I can see the finish line, I just need to run, walk, or crawl until I get there.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Hi, I feel up and down. One day great, the next not so much. It has been 2 months and just over 1 month NC and perhaps I am expecting things to turn around too quickly, I don't know. My desire to get over this is very strong, but I also feel like I have to work through everything and not push stuff aside. I have never been through this before and it is really complicated. I feel like I am on the right path and I can see the finish line, I just need to run, walk, or crawl until I get there. We are on the same time line and a similar path. I was numb for awhile then angry again. I've gone back to sad here and there. I hope you are still creating music. My art helps me very much. I am anxious to be "over it" and the shortest distance seems to be straight through. We can both be happy knowing that when this is really over there will be no lose ends or unresolved feelings. I have also never been through this before. I need to be sure of that because I would really like to be able to meet someone and try again. It is nice to feel that way. I've never looked forward this way before. In the past I was convinced that I was better off alone.
Author foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 We are on the same time line and a similar path. I was numb for awhile then angry again. I've gone back to sad here and there. I hope you are still creating music. My art helps me very much. I am anxious to be "over it" and the shortest distance seems to be straight through. We can both be happy knowing that when this is really over there will be no lose ends or unresolved feelings. I have also never been through this before. I need to be sure of that because I would really like to be able to meet someone and try again. It is nice to feel that way. I've never looked forward this way before. In the past I was convinced that I was better off alone. Hi, I am still creating music everyday, it keeps me sane, lol. If you ever want to hear any let me know. I, like you are longing for the time when this passes and I can start to look at the world again with clean eyes. Right now my eyes are stained with contempt, distrust and hurt. We will both get through this and will help each other all the way.
mollers Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 You are so right that needing and wanting are two very different things. I have come to accept that my ex is not coming back into my life, and I know that I can make it on my own, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I can honestly say that I am dealing with the relationship being over. The bit I am finding hard to move past is the thought of him with someone else. These are the new images moving into my head. The crying and analysing where I went wrong has gone, it has moved onto feeling sad about someone else being the new sun in his sky. I know that these feelings will eventually pass too, but right now they are the ones invading my being.
roghornio Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 You are so right that needing and wanting are two very different things. I have come to accept that my ex is not coming back into my life, and I know that I can make it on my own, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I can honestly say that I am dealing with the relationship being over. The bit I am finding hard to move past is the thought of him with someone else. These are the new images moving into my head. The crying and analysing where I went wrong has gone, it has moved onto feeling sad about someone else being the new sun in his sky. I know that these feelings will eventually pass too, but right now they are the ones invading my being. You have to look at it this way… If it wasn’t for all the hurt and pain , then the love when you have it wouldn’t feel so precious. You can’t have one without the other!!! When your with your next one, you will be thankful that you finished and learnd from the last… trust me!
mollers Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 You have to look at it this way… If it wasn’t for all the hurt and pain , then the love when you have it wouldn’t feel so precious. You can’t have one without the other!!! When your with your next one, you will be thankful that you finished and learnd from the last… trust me! I know that you are right....and that's the way that I looked at it when I was with my ex (Iwas so glad the previous relationship had ended). It's just that this one was the one I thought would see me through to the end, I so wanted to be with him but he didn't want me. It's just the thought of someone else being 'the one' for him is so hard right now. But I know that you are right! Thanks.
Author foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 I know that you are right....and that's the way that I looked at it when I was with my ex (Iwas so glad the previous relationship had ended). It's just that this one was the one I thought would see me through to the end, I so wanted to be with him but he didn't want me. It's just the thought of someone else being 'the one' for him is so hard right now. But I know that you are right! Thanks. I felt the same way, I thought she was the ONE. It is very simple through, I was wrong about her. Nothing either of us could have done would have changed the fact that she was not the ONE. I have really been trying to see her as she really is and not just thinking of her as the superstar GF. We had great times for sure, but alot of really bad times as well. Down the road a bit I think I will be grateful of the good times we shared but more grateful that she is gone and someone elses problem.
mollers Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I have really been trying to see her as she really is and not just thinking of her as the superstar GF. I'm really trying to do that too. When my last relationship broke down I found it easier to take him down off the pedestal because he had cheated on me. I am finding it more difficult this time but it is getting a little easier each day I think. I am starting to feel a little bitter because with hindsight, I am not entirely convinced the reasons he gave me for the relationship ending were true. I feel like I was strung along towards the end of the relationship and that he had been lying about his feelings for me, so I am starting to question the relationship more. For some strange reason this has hurt me more than when I was cheated on. Sorry, I have made your thread turn negative when you are trying to be positive!
Author foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 I'm really trying to do that too. When my last relationship broke down I found it easier to take him down off the pedestal because he had cheated on me. I am finding it more difficult this time but it is getting a little easier each day I think. I am starting to feel a little bitter because with hindsight, I am not entirely convinced the reasons he gave me for the relationship ending were true. I feel like I was strung along towards the end of the relationship and that he had been lying about his feelings for me, so I am starting to question the relationship more. For some strange reason this has hurt me more than when I was cheated on. Sorry, I have made your thread turn negative when you are trying to be positive! No prob, It is just good to talk about things no matter which direction the thread takes. Getting them down off the pedestal is key IMO. My ex has alot of great qualities but at the end of the day we didn't work out and she was not the person I thought she was. I also think that it is important to share blame and not blame everything on our ex. Even if they cheated and dumped us. It still takes 2 to tango and I have to be honest with myself and admit that I could have done more to keep things going. She was wrong for cheating for sure, but my point is I did lots of negative things in the relationship as well.
mollers Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 That's true Foxh. I do take responsibility for my part in our relationship, the thing is that I wanted to discuss and put right the (small) problems in our relationship, but he just decided to walk away, which is where I feel a bit deceived. I thought our relationship was completely solid and could withstand our first argument/confrontation in 2.5 years but he decided it wasn't worth it,which makes me feel he had been unhappy all along and given me no indication. Anyways, here I am sat wasting my night on him AGAIN!!!! I need to get a grip!!
Author foxh1234 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 That's true Foxh. I do take responsibility for my part in our relationship, the thing is that I wanted to discuss and put right the (small) problems in our relationship, but he just decided to walk away, which is where I feel a bit deceived. I thought our relationship was completely solid and could withstand our first argument/confrontation in 2.5 years but he decided it wasn't worth it,which makes me feel he had been unhappy all along and given me no indication. Anyways, here I am sat wasting my night on him AGAIN!!!! I need to get a grip!! The part where you say that you thought your relationship was solid. That's where I think alot of us fool ourselves and think everything is great when the other person is unhappy. I know my ex was emotionally out of our relationship months before I found out she was cheating. I can see all the signs now but at the time I thought everything was roses. She gave me subtle hints about where she was in the relationship, but I never picked up on them. The truth is, i probably knew deep down that things were off line a bit but i never sat and talked to her about it. That is a big mistake on my part and one that I won't make in the next relationship. Every expert says communication is the key and they are so right. IMHO alot of us, ( not all of us) on this site could have saved things if we had of communicated better or our ex's had. One last thing, you are not wasting time if you are working through this thing. It has to be done for you to move forward. If we don't get it out now, it will get us later.
mollers Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 The part where you say that you thought your relationship was solid. That's where I think alot of us fool ourselves and think everything is great when the other person is unhappy. I know my ex was emotionally out of our relationship months before I found out she was cheating. I can see all the signs now but at the time I thought everything was roses. She gave me subtle hints about where she was in the relationship, but I never picked up on them. The truth is, i probably knew deep down that things were off line a bit but i never sat and talked to her about it. That is a big mistake on my part and one that I won't make in the next relationship. Every expert says communication is the key and they are so right. IMHO alot of us, ( not all of us) on this site could have saved things if we had of communicated better or our ex's had. One last thing, you are not wasting time if you are working through this thing. It has to be done for you to move forward. If we don't get it out now, it will get us later. Thanks again. Everything you have said, I agree with. I think I feel let down really, my ex admitted we hadn't been communicating as well as we had a couple of months earlier, but didn't think it was worth discussing it and putting it right!! That hurt, especially when he was still texting me every day at the time to say he loved me so much and I was the best thing in his life. How can you not want to save the best thing in your life? I feel I have been given conflicting messages and am still trying to sort out the conflict in my head. However, on a positive note, I know we are not going to get back together, I don't like it (in fact, I hate it) but I accept it and that's hard for me to admit. I must move on from this but it feels so wrong to me to just let it go. I feel my heart will hurt for a long time and can't ever envisage a time when I can accept him being with someone else. I need to just devote my time to me and my son at the moment. I don't want him to feel that I can only be happy with my ex in my life, because that could signal to him that he is less important and that he does not make me happy, which of course he does, he is my world, not my ex, and that is a positive!!
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