Osiris_83 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hi Guys, I'm really confused about the current situation I'm in!! I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years now and last week she decided that we needed a break, she said that she needs time to grow but made sure to tell me that she loves me very much. She recently went away to university in Sydney, whilst I'm stuck back in Melbourne!! Now i would move to Sydney in a heartbeat if it would fix things, but I'm pretty sure that the last thing she needs at the moment. She's moved to a big city, new friends, university and of course she needs time for family as well! She doesn't want to do the boyfriend girlfriend thing at all which sucks soo damn much, I've been feeling pretty yuk lately, I just want to know whats going through her head!! I'm going to write her a hand written letter expressing myself and how I'm coping with it all. I'm guessing she can't put energy into me at the moment since all her energy is going into uni, friends, Sydney and family. What do you guys think? Is there anyone else who has gone through the same kinda thing that can give me some advise as to what to do???? I will basically do anything to get her back. Thanks for listening/reading
kizik Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Personally I advise against the letter. It will make you seem needy. If she wanted you in her life, she'd make time for you. Don't contact her and see if she calls you. I am SOO sorry that she has disengaged like this. However, it happens to lots of people, allll the time. Sure, she loves you. But she has not put you at "#1." Don't only think about what SHE needs; I made the same mistake and am now single because I didn't address my needs early enough.
Author Osiris_83 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Personally I advise against the letter. It will make you seem needy. If she wanted you in her life, she'd make time for you. Don't contact her and see if she calls you. I am SOO sorry that she has disengaged like this. However, it happens to lots of people, allll the time. Sure, she loves you. But she has not put you at "#1." Don't only think about what SHE needs; I made the same mistake and am now single because I didn't address my needs early enough. What do you mean address what I need, I want her back, I know exactly what I need to do to. I just don't know what the best way around it. She's quite different to any other girl I've ever met, she's very family first. I know she's not seeing someone else and well she's very trustworthy and I know her very well. She also told me that she can see herself with me in the long run but can't give a definite yes or no, but now it's time for space and time to grow. I'm soo confused. I'm not contacting her, but it is soo damn hard!! All i want to do is go up to Sydney and see her.
kizik Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 She's moved to a big city, new friends, university and of course she needs time for family as well! She doesn't want to do the boyfriend girlfriend thing at all which sucks soo damn much. I'm guessing she can't put energy into me at the moment since all her energy is going into uni, friends, Sydney and family. Look, it sounds like you're trying to make excuses for her. You're "guessing she can't put energy into you"? That is a bunch of bullsh*t. Someone can always find time for you. Listen: if someone's into you, they'll make it clear! Your needs: to have her love and attention. Her reality (it sounds like): other priorities during this point in her life that do NOT involve you. Give her time and space! I'm not saying you guys can't work, but YOU cannot be investing more energy than SHE can or WILL provide. You asked for opinions.
kizik Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 She's quite different to any other girl I've ever met, she's very family first. She also told me that she can see herself with me in the long run but can't give a definite yes or no, but now it's time for space and time to grow. My ex is "family first" too... which I'm realizing means, overly dependent on her parents at the age of 25. At a certain point, family can become TOO important, especially if they take the place of you. (This happened to me.) She can't give a definite yes or no... this woman is TOYING with you. You don't see it because you love her. I know how you feel! Someone changing their feelings, or maybe even falling out of love, is the WORST thing I have experienced. But PLEASE own up to the fact that things are not working for you. You've got to stop denying and making excuses. She really seems to have checked out. I'm SORRY. This is happening to everyone right now, before now, and after now. I didn't know I could hurt this bad, knowing that I was no longer at the forefront of the person I loved the most in the world.
Author Osiris_83 Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Well she rang me and well I felt a lot better after talking to her, she sounds happy and yeah things sound good. When I said that I was going good and told her that I was going out and meeting people and getting more social she said "you know that it isn't...." she didn't really finish the sentence, i waited a little while and said "..final?" which she responded "Yeh". I'm not exactly sure what that means, but yeah, any ideas??? Maybe she doesn't want to say it's over or something or maybe she's realizing the truth of the matter and wants to try again, i don't know...I really want to ask her what she thinks the situation is, because now I'm getting confused again. Whether that is a good idea or not i'm not sure...
kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 You are not listening to me. Did you read my posts? She said, "You know, it isn't..." and you said "Final?" She said, "Yeah," and now you're EXCITED? Dude, go ahead and let this woman run your life, control your emotions. You wanna ask her what the situation is? You are a F*CKING PART of the situation. This is not JUST WHAT SHE SAYS. I'm not gonna waste my time on people who don't listen. Sorry if I sound harsh but you're f*cking delusional, man.
kizik Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The last thing I'm going to say to you is this: you mentioned you were being more social. Then she goes, "You know, it's not... final." Can you understand that she is insecure about you hanging out with others, and is only reclaiming you because you showed happiness WITHOUT her? It's so nice to pour my soul into a response for someone and they act like I never wrote them. And they don't thank for the advice, or heed it, they just continue down their dumb, ignorant, self-destructive road and ask for more advice they will surely ignore... You need some self-esteem.
Author Osiris_83 Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Umm, thanks for being understanding and everything. I don't think i really needed you having a go at me. If i knew what was going on I wouldn't be writing on this website. I'm not acting as if you never wrote anything, I just think my particular situation is a little different to what you are saying that's all. I'm not "dumb, ignorant or self-destructive" I'm not going to dismiss her and believe everything you are saying, isn't it merely advice? Guidance? I need to make up my own mind on the situation not abide to the words of others. When I said i want to hear what she thinks of the situation, that's all I want to hear, get her opinion, I believe it's merely a break and we need time to re-assess, I would like to hear what she also thinks. Communication I guess is a major thing in the process of resurrecting a relationship. I don't know how you could have come to the conclusion that things have ended, you don't even know her. But anyway, thanks for some of the advise you gave Kzik. I would like to hear anyone elses opinion if anyone would like to share.
Davey McG Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Listen to Kizik. He's been there and understands the motivations of women checking out of a realtionship. Trust him on this one, everything he said is the truth and your relationship is dead. The only reason she wanted it not to be final is because you damaged her ego by saying that you might be happy without her. Run away and don't waste anymore time on her. You are not going to resurrect this relationship.
roghornio Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The thing here is that she knows (and you do deep down too), she can click her fingers WHENEVER she wants you… do you want to be in that situation? NC all the way, ignore her.. whatever… once she realizes your not coming back and free of the spell then you can be rest assured you can have HER back WHENEVER you want.
Author Osiris_83 Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 Davey, Kizik doesn't know my situation, maybe i haven't explained it well. She's not a cryptic kinda person, very down-to-earth, maybe Kizik hasn't had that kinda girl before, who knows, not going to guess. All i know is that she isn't like that at all, if it were over completely, she would definetly say it, I know this because I know her, I've known her for 6 years in total. She's knows i deserve the truth, she wouldn't take me on a ride that's for damn sure. Kizik doesn't know her from a bar of soap, i appreciated his input, but yeah, i don't think it's on the money in this case. Roghornio is more on the money, i did everything for her, and i think it was waaaay too much. I need to show her that i can have an awesome time without her, show her that i'm not dependant on her whatsoever.
miss_28 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 she said that she needs time to grow but made sure to tell me that she loves me very much. She recently went away to university in Sydney, whilst I'm stuck back in Melbourne!! Now i would move to Sydney in a heartbeat if it would fix things, but I'm pretty sure that the last thing she needs at the moment. She's moved to a big city, new friends, university and of course she needs time for family as well! Thanks for listening/reading hi osiris... i highlighted some points you made... see, you're willing to rearrange your life to fix things with her, but she's not even willing/able to make time for you... that seems a little lopsided, no? also, you talk about her needs, but what about yours? (and don't say you need her or i'll slap you upside the head ) don't you have needs? yes, you do, one of them should be that you need to get back what you put into a relationship - its a basic need for fairness and respect. I'm sure you have other needs too... If it helps, I recently went through a somewhat similar situation... I was dumped by a genuinely good guy who was 5 years younger than me, with all of the distractions that your ex has got going on now... he left me because he isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone - he's at the crossroads in life, which i was at in the past. And you know what? I believe he needs to grow, and i had to let him go, painful as it was... i went strict NC. sure, I still have feelings for him, but I now (almost 2 months later) recognize his needs and I also recognize mine (and in my case, I like to think he dumped me because he recognized the same things). Hanging onto him in any way would be too painful and does nothing positive for either of us. sooooo.... for now, i suggest you just let it be, until YOU let go of her... trust me, if your paths are meant to re-cross one day (far away), then they will, - WITHOUT your help and ironically, only if you truly move on! good luck, and stay strong...
Exl Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Man, get a new life. Kizik is totally right. You're making excuses for her because you don't want to face the facts. Maybe she even loves you - still - but she is taking the opportunity to make a new life and you and the distance (either or both) will, eventually, be in the way. When girls mean they want space they usually really mean: "I want to meet new people, new life, new experiences and I don't need you in the way" no matter what they say. Last resort they also mean "but I want you laying around waiting for me in case I can't find any better". Good luck
Author Osiris_83 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Thankyou for all your words, appreciate the time taken. I guess i need to look at all this and discover the truth behind it all. You've given me guidence which is awesome, i'll let you guys know what happens. Miss_28 thanks heaps for that, your situation is basically the same as mine but other way around, haha. She is 5 years younger than me, I'm her first real relationship, good to have someone who i can relate to, appreciate it, thanks heaps!! Wish me luck!!!
t_veron Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Man, get a new life. Kizik is totally right. You're making excuses for her because you don't want to face the facts. Maybe she even loves you - still - but she is taking the opportunity to make a new life and you and the distance (either or both) will, eventually, be in the way. When girls mean they want space they usually really mean: "I want to meet new people, new life, new experiences and I don't need you in the way" no matter what they say. Last resort they also mean "but I want you laying around waiting for me in case I can't find any better". Good luck Can't agree more. In some cases they are going through an emotional transformation and you catch them in the middle and in those cases it is a waiting game. There's really no right answer here because the right answer depends on your personality. In my case I'd give her space. Simple contact by email or phone for a few months and see what happens. They usually will decide you are important and they want you in their life or you nothing improves which tells you that you're just the fall back guy incase nothing better comes around. Get rid of the ego for now and let her do the chasing. Lack of chasing (just match her moves) after a few months gives you your answer.
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