earthling Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I saw a thread about qualities in your next partner. So thought it would be interesting to know what you would change about yourself before you got into a new relationship... Since alot of the items listed in the other thread were things that I need to improve upon. The idea is that I believe that I was the faulty person in the last relationship... Hope this is ok. Just afraid this might be counter-productive. Improve my financial situation Have a more diverse and stronger circle of friends outside of relationship Stop criticizing little things Stop being so opinionated Stop being stubborn Take an interest in her interests More relaxed Not be so stressful Learn how to be romantic Learn how to make her feel loved Learn how to show her that I love her Learn how to speak in a conversation involving our relationship Learn how to accept her for who she is
Author earthling Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 True sir. It's just that I want to move onto the next relationship so bad, but still afraid that I'm gonna make the same mistakes again. But at least, I've accepted that the last relationship is over, I think. NC for 20 days and counting. Not much, but the worse is over.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I have been told that I am a great girlfriend. I'm not perfect but I have done lots of work to be who I am. I am always a work in progress so I keep a constant list of things to work on. My current list: Let go of my fear of abandonment because it obviously hasn't killed meLet the next man know that I am ready for a real relationship and am capable of love instead of waiting for it to just happenKeep working on enjoying physical affection that isn't attached to sexLearn to be more affectionate from the gateListen more carefully That's all I can think of right now.
justaman99 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 The ability to sit down and check in on how we're doing every now and then. To be able to talk about the things that aren't great in a mature and open way that, in the end, brings us closer together. We would understand and respect each other more if I could just communicate like this. That is my goal from here on out. Wish I did it a long time ago.
BiAxident Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Good idea for a thread. Lets see.. 1) Become more responsible (financially, career-wise, lifestyle choices) 2) Develop new interests that I can share with a new partner (amateur astronomy is at the top of this list. Stargazing = romantic) 3) Become more emotionally mature (letting go of the past, becoming more independent and willing to invest more in a relationship)
borelandkaren Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 It's gonna be a hard one for me to go into a relationship with another man. Because I've worked in a very blokey environment for such a long time, I'm pretty much "one of the boys!" I may well have to change teams!
Trialbyfire Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I would buy a new pair of shoes and an outfit to match.
sedgwick Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I want to learn how to maintain my self-confidence when in a relationship. I, too, would like to improve my financial situation, but I'm on my way to that. I want to keep on improving my body so I feel sexier. I'd also like to have a bigger apartment so we don't trip over each other all the time!
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Let go of my fear of abandonment because it obviously hasn't killed me How do you go about doing that, Charlotte? I have just realized that I have abandonment issues, which I never would have guessed before now. But I need to fix that, big time. Because it's causing me to be attracted to all the wrong men. So I guess the other thing I have to fix is being attracted to the wrong men. How do you train yourself to be attracted to the right ones?
sultry33 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 learn to trust gut feeling... not to let them move in.. haha lust fun only.. love is not for me anymore.. have more sex.. yes sex not makin love sorry im angry today:D
LikeCharlotte Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 How do you go about doing that, Charlotte? I have just realized that I have abandonment issues, which I never would have guessed before now. But I need to fix that, big time. Because it's causing me to be attracted to all the wrong men. So I guess the other thing I have to fix is being attracted to the wrong men. How do you train yourself to be attracted to the right ones?I don't have classic abandonment issues with all the bells and whistles. In the past I have sabotaged relationships so I wouldn't be left heartbroken or let down. It was a hard thing to realize and face and even more difficult do change. In seven years I have only had three instances of self sabotage and two times I caught myself right away, stopped the behavior and did damage control. With the exception of my most recent relationship the fear of abandonment did not show itself by me being clingy or needy, in fact I was quite the opposite (for a variety of reasons). I would become cold and push people away. Once you recognize your problem you have to really work on it and be strong enough to admit when you feed into it. It is not always easy to say "I'm the problem here. I'm sorry". Eventually you will not chose men that enable you to feel within your safe zone. The safe zone is different for everyone. For me those were men that I could leave because they had issues that meant the relationship would never last. After my last fiasco I am not sure I've figured out how to chose correctly. It is possible that subconsciously I still look for 'safe' men.
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I don't have classic abandonment issues with all the bells and whistles. In the past I have sabotaged relationships so I wouldn't be left heartbroken or let down. It was a hard thing to realize and face and even more difficult do change. In seven years I have only had three instances of self sabotage and two times I caught myself right away, stopped the behavior and did damage control. With the exception of my most recent relationship the fear of abandonment did not show itself by me being clingy or needy, in fact I was quite the opposite (for a variety of reasons). I would become cold and push people away. Once you recognize your problem you have to really work on it and be strong enough to admit when you feed into it. It is not always easy to say "I'm the problem here. I'm sorry". Eventually you will not chose men that enable you to feel within your safe zone. The safe zone is different for everyone. For me those were men that I could leave because they had issues that meant the relationship would never last. After my last fiasco I am not sure I've figured out how to chose correctly. It is possible that subconsciously I still look for 'safe' men. I don't think I have all the bells and whistles either. I don't get clingy or needy - in fact, in this relationship I was really independent throughout the whole thing and trusted him in all things - was never suspicious even when I should have been. But I think I chose him b/c he allowed me to replay the script from my childhood - my dad being distant, aloof, someone I can't really get close to emotionally. And that pattern has been consistent in all my relationships. So I need to break that pattern and somehow become ATTRACTED to the guys that I could actually get close to. That's the thing that scares me. A good friend likened it to being attracted to the dark chocolate when what you really need to be attracted to is the carrot. Less exciting, but much better for you. So how do you break the dark chocolate pattern and actually crave carrots instead? That is my big struggle.
v33 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 - Learn to be happy with myself and on my own so I would not be needy in a relationship and fear losing my partner. - Increase my self confidence. - Listen more carefully and accept things at face value. Try to offer understanding instead of advice. There are probably more but these 3 came to mind first.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 So how do you break the dark chocolate pattern and actually crave carrots instead? That is my big struggle.I can tell you that once you become aware of your issues and work to change them your choices become better. You see the red flags as soon as you know what they are. I've been making better choices and you will too now that you see your contribution to it. I am still not 100%. I think I chose the last guy because he was sort of a dark carrot or dark chocolate in carrots clothing. I definitely crave carrot now.
v33 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 in fact I was quite the opposite (for a variety of reasons). I would become cold and push people away. Is that you, Muffin? You post just stuck a chord with me. My ex told me long ago while we were still happy that she would try to push me away. I thought she was just being, well...dramatic. Why do girls who are afraid of being abandoned push their loved one away even faster? I mean if they don't want to be alone, why drive the guy away? So confused by girls.....
Karyyk Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hmmm...this might be a long list. lol Improve the financial situation (aka, get out of DEBT).Be more confident about myself (admit my qualities).Get into shape (working on it).Cut down on the hypersensitivity (I think it scares women away).Be open about what I want and am looking for (and not be scared to tell her).Ditch the fear of abandonment...if possible.Be more open to personal change (I can be stubborn).Get a new job (the one I have now seriously depresses me, and that won't help a relationship at all). That's enough for now (got sidetracked).
Karyyk Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Is that you, Muffin? You post just stuck a chord with me. My ex told me long ago while we were still happy that she would try to push me away. I thought she was just being, well...dramatic. Why do girls who are afraid of being abandoned push their loved one away even faster? I mean if they don't want to be alone, why drive the guy away? So confused by girls..... I think they just convince themselves that the person is going to leave them eventually, so they just speed up the process instead of having to deal with the agonizing fear. On some level, it's better to be alone than live with the fear. Of course, that's not often true, so they try again, only to repeat the vicious cycle. It doesn't make any sense, but then again, a lot of fears don't.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Is that you, Muffin? You post just stuck a chord with me. My ex told me long ago while we were still happy that she would try to push me away. I thought she was just being, well...dramatic. Why do girls who are afraid of being abandoned push their loved one away even faster? I mean if they don't want to be alone, why drive the guy away? So confused by girls.....I'm much better than I was years ago. I went through a lot. Things happened to me that were beyond my control. It screwed me up and it has taken most of my life to heal. I did it because I had been hurt and I didn't trust men to not hurt me. When the fear got too intense I did whatever I could do to sabotage the relationship. I also chose bad partners. Again, I am much better now. I've faced myself and taken care of business. Sometimes the fear rears its ugly head but I recognize it now and I don't let it get out of control. I hope that helps you understand, muffin.
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