DazedandConfuzed Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Ok, it was innocent flirting ... and then it was just sex ... now, its dirty looks and long stares and I can't figure out what is in his head. A few months ago, I moved to a new town. I began hanging out with a group of people that I knew, and found a couple of drinking buddies, we had a good time, a lot of laughs and some flirting ... nothing out of the ordinary, right? Well, the flirting got serious and I continued, and one day he looks at me and says "I don't want a divorce, and don't want to get caught, but sure would love TO with you." Which sounded absolutely perfect for me .. SEX with no strings! (Long story, but not in the mood for a relationship and don't like bars to get some and it has been a while.) So, after more flirting, and a few very nice kisses, we did. He was great and I told him so ... Pointedly, I told him, I'd like to do that again. Now, this is out of control ... or something. If we're all hanging out, having a drink or whatever after a long day, and I even speak to another gentlemen, he's not only in my conversation, but standing between me and the person I'm talking too. Last week, there was an unusual amount of alcohol, a pretty good time and a guy I was sitting with, laughing, and chatting ... ALL night, he just stared and shot dirty looks at me. What went with the just sex? Was my assumption that a married man can have "just sex" wrong? Have I become the other woman without realizing it? Can anyone give me any idea what is going on?
OWoman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Was my assumption that a married man can have "just sex" wrong? Few, if any, men ever want "just sex", IME - even when they tell you they do, or agree when you tell them you do. Usually, what they want is to be your only, the centre of your universe, the sun to your moon. They may not come out and say "I want you to have my babies and play house with me" but each time you look at someone else and they realise they're disposable, the rejection cuts them like a laser and the picket fence in their minds starts to wobble.
White Flower Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Few, if any, men ever want "just sex", IME - even when they tell you they do, or agree when you tell them you do. Usually, what they want is to be your only, the centre of your universe, the sun to your moon. They may not come out and say "I want you to have my babies and play house with me" but each time you look at someone else and they realise they're disposable, the rejection cuts them like a laser and the picket fence in their minds starts to wobble. Wow! So, they're not just cake-eaters...they want to be the one and only to both women! How arrogant.
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Few, if any, men ever want "just sex", IME - even when they tell you they do, or agree when you tell them you do. Usually, what they want is to be your only, the centre of your universe, the sun to your moon. They may not come out and say "I want you to have my babies and play house with me" but each time you look at someone else and they realise they're disposable, the rejection cuts them like a laser and the picket fence in their minds starts to wobble. When I try to talk to him, to get some honesty about this, all I am told is "I'm not possessive, I'm not jealous, you are wrong." I am not the only person that sees his behavior, his best friend and my room mate see it as well. I do not want to be the thorn in his marriage (if he's looking there has to be issues there). I enjoy his company, we banter back and forth, and he's intellectually an equal. How can I get the truth out of him, or can I? Probably just best to walk away now ... before his mindset becomes my torment. Not sure if it matters or not, I'm 40 and he's 58.
OWoman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 When I try to talk to him, to get some honesty about this, all I am told is "I'm not possessive, I'm not jealous, you are wrong." I am not the only person that sees his behavior, his best friend and my room mate see it as well. I do not want to be the thorn in his marriage (if he's looking there has to be issues there). I enjoy his company, we banter back and forth, and he's intellectually an equal. How can I get the truth out of him, or can I? Probably just best to walk away now ... before his mindset becomes my torment. Not sure if it matters or not, I'm 40 and he's 58. D&C of course he's not going to admit it - guys need to be seen to be detached, skilled compartmentalisers in complete control of their emotions. Thing is, the intimacy he's denying consciously is pushing him to act out even though he can't allow himself to admit it. The age thing - well, women of your age are still riding their sexual peak, and guys of his age usually clinging on to their status peak before they slide off into the golden years. You paying attention elsewhere makes him fear that he's losing his grip, that his desirability is waning... What guy's ego wants to embrace that? Perhaps you want to reenter the negotiating chamber, and tell him that if he can't stick to the rules of "no strings sex only" he's history - save the emotional clinginess for his W or find another GF if that's what he wants. If he carries on down that road you'll find yourself enmeshed in drama and somewhere, for someone, it gets to end in tears.
LakesideDream Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 D&C, Sounds like your "FWB" guy hasn't been beaten up yet. I am his age and never acted the way he did. Personally in the beginning, I measure most relationships (with males or females) in investment. What have I invested? Frankly, I've never "invested" in a woman since my affair with a married woman, shortly after my divorce. I haven't had any emotion to invest. When I have met and dated other women, even had sex with them. I kept my distance. Maybe that's been a mistake. Your guy sounds like a mature man who hasn't faced the real problems that can come from LTR's. He's still untempered and untested. It's much easier (to easy) to be cavileer when a person has felt true negetive reinforcement. Bob Dylan said it best in 1964 he might have even stolen the line. He said in Like a Rolling Stone, "when you've got nothing, you have nothing to lose". I have found personally that that phrase works on many levels.
OWoman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 D&C, Sounds like your "FWB" guy hasn't been beaten up yet. I am his age and never acted the way he did. Personally in the beginning, I measure most relationships (with males or females) in investment. What have I invested? Frankly, I've never "invested" in a woman since my affair with a married woman, shortly after my divorce. I haven't had any emotion to invest. When I have met and dated other women, even had sex with them. I kept my distance. Maybe that's been a mistake. Your guy sounds like a mature man who hasn't faced the real problems that can come from LTR's. He's still untempered and untested. It's much easier (to easy) to be cavileer when a person has felt true negetive reinforcement. Bob Dylan said it best in 1964 he might have even stolen the line. He said in Like a Rolling Stone, "when you've got nothing, you have nothing to lose". I have found personally that that phrase works on many levels. I reckon it was just invested elsewhere....
White Flower Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 The age thing - well, women of your age are still riding their sexual peak, and guys of his age usually clinging on to their status peak before they slide off into the golden years. You paying attention elsewhere makes him fear that he's losing his grip, that his desirability is waning... What guy's ego wants to embrace that? Now that I know your ages I agree with OWoman. He is facing old age and needs to know one last time that he's still got it. (I wonder how many last times a man goes through?)
OWoman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Now that I know your ages I agree with OWoman. He is facing old age and needs to know one last time that he's still got it. (I wonder how many last times a man goes through?) WF! He's the same age as LsD! I don't think LsD's ready to be carted off to the old age home just yet.... Mirrors on the ceiling don't go too well with Zimmer frames and colostomy bags. But yes, as a friend told me when he hit 60, at some stage you have to be honest with yourself and admit that the best years are probably past...
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 He called me before I even got out of bed ... the gist of the conversation ... "Are you tired," he asked. "Of course, I worked last night, why?" was my reply. "I just wanted to let you know that I dreamed about you all night long, we had sex what must have been four times. All I could muster was, you better watch it before you start talking in your sleep. Since I'm not falling all over him, he's dreaming about having the only thing I want out of him? Come on ... geezus!
frannie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Since he doesn't look like keeping to his end of the 'just sex' bargain, wouldn't it be better to walk away from this now?
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Since he doesn't look like keeping to his end of the 'just sex' bargain, wouldn't it be better to walk away from this now? yeah ... it would ... hence, that's probably where the "dreams" came from. I told him yesterday I don't do possessive and I was done.
frannie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 yeah ... it would ... hence, that's probably where the "dreams" came from. I told him yesterday I don't do possessive and I was done. Ah right, OK. Then I'd stop replying to his personal texts and encouraging him to think he can tell you about his sexual dreams. It should stop once he gets the message.
biffster Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 DC - just stay away from him - as simple as that may sound, you wanted no strings, he clearly wants something else - a full time mistress it seems ... you don't want that .... so, it seems as if you got what you wanted, and he wants something else, it's time to move on ... when two people want totally different things, it is completely irreconciable and will only leave you more confused ... the back and forth, negotiating ... it's all very draining.
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 DC - just stay away from him - as simple as that may sound, you wanted no strings, he clearly wants something else - a full time mistress it seems ... you don't want that .... so, it seems as if you got what you wanted, and he wants something else, it's time to move on ... when two people want totally different things, it is completely irreconciable and will only leave you more confused ... the back and forth, negotiating ... it's all very draining. Thanks, I have told him we're done. Tho I have yet to think it's sunk in. He's still acting weird as he**.
LadyDi Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 I agree with most everyone else. Probably best to cut your losses now. Good Luck!
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 I agree with most everyone else. Probably best to cut your losses now. Good Luck! Thanks, I certainly had no where to turn, but figured it all out once I saw it on the screen ... I don't wanna do "relationship" and thought the rules were set, but obviously, I found someone living in another universe!
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Thanks, I certainly had no where to turn, but figured it all out once I saw it on the screen ... I don't wanna do "relationship" and thought the rules were set, but obviously, I found someone living in another universe! Why is it that some people (I'm trying to be PC about men) say one thing yet mean something completely different? Or is it that he didn't know he was going to become so attached? What do you believe?
Author DazedandConfuzed Posted May 31, 2008 Author Posted May 31, 2008 Why is it that some people (I'm trying to be PC about men) say one thing yet mean something completely different? Or is it that he didn't know he was going to become so attached? What do you believe? Frankly, I don't know. Cancers bury their true feelings so deep I couldn't ever read him close enough to know what his "real" feelings are. He was in verbal agreement with the no strings thing ... he still agrees with the no strings, but actions speak volumes louder than words. This he has proven, if nothing else!
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Why is it that some people (I'm trying to be PC about men) say one thing yet mean something completely different? Or is it that he didn't know he was going to become so attached? What do you believe? WF I don't think it's only men that do that. Women might not say "of course I won't cum in your mouth" but they do promise they'll be ready in ten minutes, knowing it takes ninety to make themselves beautiful enough to walk out the door with confidence, or promise the call to their sister will be quick... KNOWING that the guy knows they have no intention of keeping to what they're claiming. It's like a secret code. If a woman came out and said, go get a beer so ong and watch a movie, I'll be done in an hour and a half, what guy is ever going to come on time again? But on this particular subject, I think guys feel the need to "live up to" the image of those disengaged sex machines they're supposed to be, so happily promise sex without strings, and then find they can't deliver. I've lived through that far too many times to count, and it was one of the factors that drove me to focus exclusively on MMs. Yes, they're not immune either, but tend to have a higher success rate as they're invested (at least on paper) elsewhere.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 Frankly, I don't know. Cancers bury their true feelings so deep I couldn't ever read him close enough to know what his "real" feelings are. He was in verbal agreement with the no strings thing ... he still agrees with the no strings, but actions speak volumes louder than words. This he has proven, if nothing else! Uh oh. Cancers are water signs, all drippy and sentimental. Home bodies. They don't do sex with no strings. Though they're probably great at strings with no sex...
White Flower Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 WF I don't think it's only men that do that. Women might not say "of course I won't cum in your mouth" but they do promise they'll be ready in ten minutes, knowing it takes ninety to make themselves beautiful enough to walk out the door with confidence, or promise the call to their sister will be quick... KNOWING that the guy knows they have no intention of keeping to what they're claiming. It's like a secret code. If a woman came out and said, go get a beer so ong and watch a movie, I'll be done in an hour and a half, what guy is ever going to come on time again? But on this particular subject, I think guys feel the need to "live up to" the image of those disengaged sex machines they're supposed to be, so happily promise sex without strings, and then find they can't deliver. I've lived through that far too many times to count, and it was one of the factors that drove me to focus exclusively on MMs. Yes, they're not immune either, but tend to have a higher success rate as they're invested (at least on paper) elsewhere. All good points.
OWoman Posted May 31, 2008 Posted May 31, 2008 All good points. Despite the stereotype, I find most men are pretty poor at compartmentalising, and get really upset when they find they're with a woman who can, and who DOESN'T make them the centre of her universe (though she told them out the outset she wouldn't, they still kinda hoped...)
Recommended Posts