Author HYS Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 There is a HUGE FIRE of alarms going off here and you need to HEAR them ! Why would a dad , an adult , want an 8 year old in his bed , while he makes his girlfriend sleep outside of the bedroom ??? You MAY be convinced everything is OKAY but I urge you to contact a Counselor where you can ask anonymously what the Counselor thinks is going on. Denial denial ! Micheal Jackson was 45 years old and had a 5 year old child in his bed ( it was NOT his child ) I ask the readers would you let your 45 year old uncle sleep with the neighbors kindergardener kid ? I think I will talk to a conselor just to get a professional opinion. I do think that if a child goes to his parents and said they slept in the same room as his friend and his dad, it could cause some problems. I know if my child said that to me it would raise some red flags.
Sks Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 The kid lost something, he wants to make sure what he still has doesn't disappear.
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 But WHY does he feel the need to have his son sleep in the same room/bed as him? So, this isn't really about his son, it's about HIM. This is just wrong so listen to your gut. To be honest, if I were in your shoes I would tell him he either has to explain to his child the situation between you and him (that's a line of bull about you two not being married so therefore his son sleeps with him in the same bed and you don't), and start putting his son in his OWN room ALONE, or I would end it. Something feels very "off" here. Can you 100% say and believe that he isn't getting "Something" out of it by having his son sleep next to him? It may not be sexual, but it's definatley emotional and intimate. Fact that he is very adament about the kid staying in the room (if he asks, I'll put him in his own room - Yet another line of bull) is another huge red flag. Can you imagine if you have children with this man? Do you want your kids sleeping in your bed as pre-teens? Hello!!!
sb129 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I don't have much of a problem with him sharing a bed with his 8 year old son, but I find it highly inappropriate for him to sleep in the room with his son and the friend. Me too. If I was the parent of the other child, I would not let that child sleep over again. Half the fun of a sleepover is having your buddy in the same room so you can whisper and giggle and get told to shut up by your parents at 2am. It's one thing for him to wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into his dad's bed, that's normal for most little ones, but he really ought to be in his own bed, learning to feel safe in his own room. That's what tons of stuffed animals are for, night lights etc.. Absolutely. This thread reminds me of one a while back where the husband was posting on here about how his W kept sleeping in their sons room, I think the son was about 11 or 12, just on the verge of adolescence. The H was at his wits end- his R with his W was shot to bits, the son was being adversely affected, the whole story was very sad. I wonder what happened there. Can anyone remember the posters name?
Author HYS Posted June 20, 2008 Author Posted June 20, 2008 But WHY does he feel the need to have his son sleep in the same room/bed as him? So, this isn't really about his son, it's about HIM. This is just wrong so listen to your gut. To be honest, if I were in your shoes I would tell him he either has to explain to his child the situation between you and him (that's a line of bull about you two not being married so therefore his son sleeps with him in the same bed and you don't), and start putting his son in his OWN room ALONE, or I would end it. Something feels very "off" here. Can you 100% say and believe that he isn't getting "Something" out of it by having his son sleep next to him? It may not be sexual, but it's definatley emotional and intimate. Fact that he is very adament about the kid staying in the room (if he asks, I'll put him in his own room - Yet another line of bull) is another huge red flag. Can you imagine if you have children with this man? Do you want your kids sleeping in your bed as pre-teens? Hello!!! I think you are on to something here! He is definitely getting something emotional out of this. I can guarentee my kids will not be sleeping with me!
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I think you are on to something here! He is definitely getting something emotional out of this. What are you going to do about it? His son is going to have insecurity issues. The kid won't be comfortable to GO to sleepovers at other friends houses BECAUSE of this. His son is missing out - He is not learning how to be independant and feel safe in his own room, thanks to his father. He is learning behaviour that WILL prevent him from growing up and being a "normal" kid. POINT ALL this stuff out! If need be, make an appt with the family Dr and have the Dr explain how wrong this situation is.
porter218 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Your situation is really interesting to me. Would you mind sharing with me the thought process of the social worker so I could use it as a reason when talking to my BF. I've done some research on why children should not sleep with their parents but couldn't find any evidence it was harmful. Thanks! It really blurs the line of what is appropriate behavior to the child, a child trusts and doesn't question if something is right when the parent believes it is ok. When a child gets to be that old it is no longer about what the child needs it is more for the parents emotional needs. Over time they have more problems with social interactions with other kids... and sort of act more like a 3 yr old socially because that is more the age when the kid needs that comfort from a parent. It took a year before my step son learned how to act his own age, and he is doing much better living with me. The social worker listed these things as emotional abuse and emotional neglect. Took a year of trial and continual court appearances before the court agreed this was not right..and now I, an non blood relative has sole custody of him. My own son has been in his own bed since day1, sometimes sleeping with me until age 2. I went through a separation with my husband for nine months when my son was 17 months old and for about the first week I allowed him in my bed until I realized this only made his behavior regress, and back to his room he went. You can quote my situation with my stepson if you want so he understands this is not you being selfish, it is him thinking of his needs over the needs of his sons.
Mary3 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 But WHY does he feel the need to have his son sleep in the same room/bed as him? So, this isn't really about his son, it's about HIM. This is just wrong so listen to your gut. To be honest, if I were in your shoes I would tell him he either has to explain to his child the situation between you and him (that's a line of bull about you two not being married so therefore his son sleeps with him in the same bed and you don't), and start putting his son in his OWN room ALONE, or I would end it. Something feels very "off" here. Can you 100% say and believe that he isn't getting "Something" out of it by having his son sleep next to him? It may not be sexual, but it's definatley emotional and intimate. Fact that he is very adament about the kid staying in the room (if he asks, I'll put him in his own room - Yet another line of bull) is another huge red flag. Can you imagine if you have children with this man? Do you want your kids sleeping in your bed as pre-teens? Hello!!! Beautifully Spoken ! I wish you could be more stronger OP and demand that kid sleep in his own room. Of course , with their strange bond , I am sure the bf would dump you , just so he could continue sleeping with his son. YOU should be his world along with his son. YOU should be shown love and affection and be DESIRED every night ! How you can settle for next to nothing weirdness is beyond me .?? YOU BELONG in his bed at night and junior needs to BE in his own room , hanging posters and having a Lava Lamp and cool video games. Thats what 8 year olds like !
sunshine111 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 it might be wierd but in my experience I can remember crying outside my parents door when i was around 8 and they wouldnt let me in, they were such a cold mum and dad, i felt so unloved.. it effects me to this day and im 37! how could that have done that? i felt so so so rejected. so what do i do in life now? i push everyone away before they can reject me..
porter218 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 it might be wierd but in my experience I can remember crying outside my parents door when i was around 8 and they wouldnt let me in, they were such a cold mum and dad, i felt so unloved.. it effects me to this day and im 37! how could that have done that? i felt so so so rejected. so what do i do in life now? i push everyone away before they can reject me.. Sunshine that is a little different. The better way to handle that would have been to lay down with you in your bed until you fell asleep...then go back to their bed. If you occasionally crept back into bed with them then they should have allowed that...or led you back to your bed, not leave a child alone outside their door...how cold:mad:. That kind of transition is supposed to be slowly introduced to a child, and really much earlier then 8. This is why my husband and I like to sleep with all bedroom doors open, so nobody feels "locked out" like you did. We only close it when we engage in adult activities, when the kids are asleep, then open it again.
Mary3 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 it might be wierd but in my experience I can remember crying outside my parents door when i was around 8 and they wouldnt let me in, they were such a cold mum and dad, i felt so unloved.. it effects me to this day and im 37! how could that have done that? i felt so so so rejected. so what do i do in life now? i push everyone away before they can reject me.. I am very sorry Sunshine that you felt so sad and unloved. As an example if my son was 3 or 10 and had a bad dream , he would come into our room and be shaking , we would comfort him and wait til he calmed down and walk him back to his room. Sometimes bad dreams might mean him laying next to us because he needed reassurance there was no monster in his room. But to have our child beg to be let in , crying and feeling alone , thats just heartless. I hope you understand Sunshine its NOT normal for that 8 year old , nor you for that matter back then , to sleep with your dad every night and make your mum sleep in another room . Doesn't that feel weird to you ?
Sks Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 I am very sorry Sunshine that you felt so sad and unloved. As an example if my son was 3 or 10 and had a bad dream , he would come into our room and be shaking , we would comfort him and wait til he calmed down and walk him back to his room. Sometimes bad dreams might mean him laying next to us because he needed reassurance there was no monster in his room. But to have our child beg to be let in , crying and feeling alone , thats just heartless. I hope you understand Sunshine its NOT normal for that 8 year old , nor you for that matter back then , to sleep with your dad every night and make your mum sleep in another room . Doesn't that feel weird to you ? The OP isn't the kids mother.
Mary3 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 The OP isn't the kids mother. I know the OP is not the natural mother of the child.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 When his son has sleepovers, he doesn't do well and has to get picked up. It happened this weekend! I would say this really speaks more to the fact that the son has not properly adjusted to his reality of the past 3 years (since his parents' divorce.) At this point, the roots of the maladjustment doesn't matter nearly as much as getting the 8 y/o some professional help with dealing with his fears and anxieties of abandonment, loss, grief, whatever. Dad also needs to educate himself on how to properly introduce his "new" lady in ways that are sensitive and age-appropriate, yet do not allow the child to dictate how things are going to unfold. It is difficult for all of you. But the grown-ups need to lead and guide...and ensure that the children have the best support and resources available. Best of luck.
Author HYS Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 My intentions would never be to shut his son out of the room. I'm very understanding that children get scared or can't sleep but when that situation arise, I think the best way to handle it is to lay with his son in his own bed until he falls asleep (like porter had mentioned). I did have a short conversation with my BF today about the sleeping arrangements but once again, there was nothing resolved. My gut instinct is he will not budge on his orginal stance. The conversation started that his son should be sleeping in his own room. He agreed that it is the right thing to do and that he might be getting something emotional out of it. Since he only spend 50% of his time with his son, it's only natural you enjoy every waking moment with him. But the bottom line is the best thing for his son is for him to sleep in his own room. This is not saying he will put this to action. He still thinks that we should sleep seperately b/c we are not married. At this point, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel or think. He knows I'm not rushing into marriage so I guess I will just sleep in his guest bedroom indefinitely!
Mary3 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My intentions would never be to shut his son out of the room. I'm very understanding that children get scared or can't sleep but when that situation arise, I think the best way to handle it is to lay with his son in his own bed until he falls asleep (like porter had mentioned). I did have a short conversation with my BF today about the sleeping arrangements but once again, there was nothing resolved. My gut instinct is he will not budge on his orginal stance. The conversation started that his son should be sleeping in his own room. He agreed that it is the right thing to do and that he might be getting something emotional out of it. Since he only spend 50% of his time with his son, it's only natural you enjoy every waking moment with him. But the bottom line is the best thing for his son is for him to sleep in his own room. This is not saying he will put this to action. He still thinks that we should sleep seperately b/c we are not married. At this point, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel or think. He knows I'm not rushing into marriage so I guess I will just sleep in his guest bedroom indefinitely! This line of thinking is rediculous ! His line of thinking too. Somebody needs to start thinking about all this... Just incase * somebody * is in denial : If this is a true case of pedophilia , you are the perfect girlfriend. You don't ask , you look the other way.... How do I know ? ( just incase this is what I think it is ) one of my girlfriends was being molested by her father from the age of 5 to 13 . ( I met her when she was 13 ) The mom says she had no idea , but when confronted , when my friend was 18 years old and a total mess....the mom said " Oh dam why didn't you tell me years ago so I could have left him , now its too late , I am old and in my 50's " so she stayed with the molester dad. How horrible of a message was that for my friend ?
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 My intentions would never be to shut his son out of the room. I'm very understanding that children get scared or can't sleep but when that situation arise, I think the best way to handle it is to lay with his son in his own bed until he falls asleep (like porter had mentioned). I did have a short conversation with my BF today about the sleeping arrangements but once again, there was nothing resolved. My gut instinct is he will not budge on his orginal stance. The conversation started that his son should be sleeping in his own room. He agreed that it is the right thing to do and that he might be getting something emotional out of it. Since he only spend 50% of his time with his son, it's only natural you enjoy every waking moment with him. But the bottom line is the best thing for his son is for him to sleep in his own room. This is not saying he will put this to action. He still thinks that we should sleep seperately b/c we are not married. At this point, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel or think. He knows I'm not rushing into marriage so I guess I will just sleep in his guest bedroom indefinitely! I know that part sucks, but fight one battle at a time. That issue is much less abnormal then the other one. If you push him on this one right now, then he may begin to think that is the only reason why you wanted his son in his own room. Leave it alone for awhile, then ask him again 6 months after he has gotten his son into his own room.
Author HYS Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I know that part sucks, but fight one battle at a time. That issue is much less abnormal then the other one. If you push him on this one right now, then he may begin to think that is the only reason why you wanted his son in his own room. Leave it alone for awhile, then ask him again 6 months after he has gotten his son into his own room. I do understand (not that I like it) his reasoning behind the sleeping arrangements with me but with his son, its another story. Pick your battles right???
sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I do understand (not that I like it) his reasoning behind the sleeping arrangements with me but with his son, its another story. Pick your battles right??? Picking your battles generally means don't sweat the small stuff. This issue is a bigger deal than arguing over whos turn it is to take out the recycling.
hcd03 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 It's very abnormal. 8 year olds should not be sharing a room with their father. Especially when said father could be sharing a room with YOU. The age of 8 is a time where children are supposed to be establishing their independence, and your BF isn't doing his son any favor by letting him stay in the bedroom. The fact that you BF is letting your son and son's friend stay in the bedroom with him.... that's definitely something you need to confront. It borders on pedophilia, and whether innocent or not, others will still see it as such. Also, your BF son is going to become a poster child for neediness if your BF continues this. My fiance's daughter is 8, and when we get her for the weekend, EVERY night she'll wake up around 1:30 or so and throw a MAJOR temper tantrum that wakes up the whole house because we refuse her access to our bedroom. She wants to sleep in the same bed with us or on the floor and will sceam and cry until she gets to. She has emotional issues, and your BF's son will too if he doesn't start branching out independently. Your relationship will continue to suffer as well. You need to ask yourself something. If your BF had to choose between sleeping in the same bed with you or sleeping with his son, who would he choose? Obviously his son is important to him, but it borders on impropriety.
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