Will I get a second chance

[2nd2none]

I know this post is long but it's a complicated situation.

 

I understand everyone thinks that but read on and see how right I am.

 

Please give me any and all advice you think will be helpful.

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My Lady and I dated for the last seven years.

 

Last April I asked her to move in with me…and she did. We had a great relationship, shared so many things in common, had a great time together, never argued or anything.

 

Well in January I told her I didn't think she was right for me. I told her I wanted to be with a Chinese girl (not that one was waiting in the wings or anything) because of my love for Chinese culture, language, history and so on. This is something I had convinced myself of for years but never dealt with it correctly and that’s part of the reason why I’m in this terrible spot.

 

Anyway, it broke her heart and shattered her dreams. We both thought it would be a good idea if she moved out. I told her to take as much time as she needed and slowly she did. She still has a few things here like her couch, coffee table and chair, and few other things. She still gets some of her mail at our mailbox but hasn’t been around in the last two weeks to get it.

 

We began to see each other again around the beginning of February. We would see each other once or twice a week, and do all the things we used to do.

 

During that time it was still, I thought, just like were together the whole time...happy, loving, laughing and just great. Except she was waiting for me to ask her to come back home and I never did. That seems to be a HUGE part of my mistake. Really I thought we were getting back together so I didn't really realize I had to ask. Another mistake.

 

Around mid-march she went a date with a guy one night. But we were trying to get back together at that point. But I know she was hurt so I was cool with it.

 

She told me all I had to do is tell her that I wanted to be with her and she would stay. I told her I would say it but I didn’t want to just say it because I had hurt her so badly with other "nonsense" I told her. I told her I wanted to prove it to her instead of just "telling" her. You know "actions speak louder than words."

 

She never said, "well you better say it or we are done." She seemed cool with that and seemed to understand. And we were both cool being together again.

 

I had a sudden business trip I had to take to Thailand and I would be gone for two months. She thought I was "leaving her" for good. But the morning I left she sent me this awesome picture mail of her smiling into the camera with the caption “Thinking of you, XOXO!!”

 

While I was there (I left April 9th) we were emailing and I thought we were good. But, on the 20th of April she emailed me to tell me “You’ve lost me.”

 

I think she snapped one day when she came to my house while I was away. See, she came to my house to get more of her stuff to take back home. Which I had no idea why she would since I thought we were getting back together. I told her that. I said, “why would you come to take more stuff away?” She said, "you never asked me to come home.”

 

But the real pain is I had this "priority list" on my desk that had nothing to do with her. But it was a list of all the pros and cons of me going there or staying here. She got SO PI$$ED when she saw that list and she wasnt on it.

 

I tried t explain to her that she wasnt on it because it was ONLY the financial benefits of going to Thailand versus staying. It had nothing to do with my personal life other than my finances and how it could help us out big time if I went. Like I said though, she was really PI$$ED about that and wrote me to tell me about it.

 

I tried to explain it didn't have anything to do with her but she had already convinced herself that she wasn't high on my priority list and I couldn't convince her otherwise. And I didn't leave a card for here either. But I didn't have any idea she would be coming back to take things away...why would I leave something that she would even know about?

 

So, one week later I came home to prove that I was committed to her which is one of the reasons she felt so bad too. All that time together and I hadn’t asked her to marry me yet. Well, when I got home I asked her to marry me, she said no. She told me she doesn't feel the same anymore…that I hurt her too much. I am totally devastated. I asked her if I screwed things up that bad and she said, yes.

 

She had always written me letters and sent me cards telling me how much loves me...and when I came back I had written her a hand written 10 page letter talking about how she is the right girl for me, all of the great things that we shared, how sorry I am...how we would have beautiful kids together...I mean everything...everything.

 

Also, when I broke up with her these were basically all of the same things she said to me and how could I break up with her.

 

I mean…we got along GREAT. I’m serious too. I’m not glorifying the relationship or anything silly like that. That’s why were together for so long. We had no drama, nothing like that at all. Her parents really liked me and her friends liked me and vice versa. She did tell me that I didn’t spend enough time with her friends and family but sheesh…now she is saying we are done…???

 

I asked if it was over between us and she said "it feels like it" but wont say yes. Two of the last three times we spoke she told me that she loves me and is so sorry. I know she considers me an ex now. What can I do?

 

I told her how sorry I was for what I did, tried to get her to realize that I was not leaving her and she just says that understands but she doesn't feel the same anymore.

 

The thing there is she is not indifferent but angry and hurt.

 

And I never did anything crazy like go by her work, called her all the time or been texting her, try to interfere with her dating or anything...I've just left her alone. The last few times we spoke I did ask her to give me a second chance, but didn't beg or plead, just asked.

 

She said, "you had all those chances and never took them."

 

Now she is already dating someone else who I know she is telling things that she used to say to me. AND the two things I didn't talk to her about, the main thing was having kids, she is already saying that they –she and the other dude- "share the same common desire to have children."

 

Oh, I'm 34 and she is 32. And yes it should have been "painfully obvious" that she wants kids but we never talked about it. She never brought it up either but...anyway.

 

I'm trying to be patient and give her some time. I know I hurt her badly and I am doing all I can to try and let her recover on her own terms. Even if it is with a rebound dude.

 

She also works with this guy and it seems totally like a whole rebound relationship so...I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm really trying not to even think about that at all.

 

But really I just hope she won't let these three months ruin what a happy life we can have together. I mean...three months for all the good times we've had...I just hope it is not too late.

 

I'm trying to understand she hurt for a lot longer than I have so far...

 

Do you all think she can really be trying to take the life and love that we have and give it to someone else that quickly?

 

I know she even told that guy "from the first time we met I felt myself falling for you." And that was a week after she told me I had lost her so I was like???

 

Do any of you see hope for me and really think I can get her back? Can it really be over? All those years of being together…I messed up for 3 months and we are done???

 

Do you think she is trying to get back at me for that?

 

I'm hoping a healthy dose of patience will eventually wear down her resistance and this will be nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

But I'm not sure if I can believe that. I REALLY, really want to but I just don't know.

 

I came 10,000 miles and asked her to marry me doesn't that count for something?

 

To clarify I came back on the 29th of April. And saw her that night and awsked to marry me. She said no we talked for about 6 hours. The next day she said It wasn’t no and she needed time t think.

 

The next morning she texted me saying “good morning hope you have a great day.” Foolishly, I texed her right back and said ditto. Didn’t say anything the rest of the day. The next morning I texted her saying what she had said the day previous. She replied basically the same.

 

I know, way too much contact.

 

A couple days went by and then she texted me nothing particular and I responded and called her one of the fun names we used to call each other. That was a bad move because I could tell by her reply she didn’t like it, it just brought up painful memories.

 

A couple more days went by and she called and basically told me she couldn’t come back to me because I had hurt her too much and because of that she didn’t feel the same anymore.

 

On May 9th she finally got some CD’s I made for her and a card I sent her in the mail.

 

She texted me and told she couldn’t listen them because she knew they would make her cry. I texted her and said “cool just listen to them on the way home from work tonight.” She said “I will, thank you for all you’ve done.” I just basically said blah blah blah and that was it.

 

The next day she texted me saying she’s done with the first CD and was on to the second and she was right…she was crying. I called her immediately and began to go over all the same stuff we had already talked about.

 

Seems like that was the complete wrong thing to do from all I have been reading here.

 

When I asked her straight up if this is it for us she just would NOT say yes. She wouldn’t say we are done and that there was zero chance of us getting back together. Which I guess is a good sign.

 

I asked her what she wanted to do and she said “pay off her bills, move out of her parents house and get her own place.”

 

I said cool well then you and I will just keeping working along parallel lines and hopefully our paths will cross again soon.

 

Then we said our goodbyes and we hung up.

 

Now we’ve been in NC for two weeks today.

[Sc430L]

Ive been in Nc for 2 months and I still have hopes she will call me.

[wowIlose]

First, thanks for using paragraphs..

 

Don't take this the wrong way please BUT you told your girlfriend of 7 years you don't want to be with her and you want to be with a another girl! What the hell dude?? Did you have one lined up and she fell through? Whats that all about?

 

The reason your feeling what your feeling right now is because shes moving on and your no longer on top of her list... The damage has been done and you have put the nail in the coffin with your constant pushing and more pushing, sending 10 page letters, cd's, cards, begging, pleading... digging your own grave.

 

You've made a big mistake, I feel for you, we all make decisions we regret, but in this case you need to pick yourself up and move on. Learn from this..

[2nd2none]

Yeah, reading a huge block of text can be annoying.

 

I certainly dont believe I've put nails in the coffin...

 

I did those things because she didnt think I would ever do that for her. She thought she didnt mean that much to her. When I can home and told her all those things I could just see in her face that she couldnt believe that I was finally telling her that. I know she's mad and hurt so I'm just trying to let that pass. And like I said she had already convinced herself that she wasn't high on my priority list and I couldn't convince her otherwise.

 

She still receives mail here and has several pieces of furniture here too.

 

By coming home I was trying to prove to her how such meant, just like I did before I left.

 

And yes I did tell her I dont want to be with her. I know totally foolish. There's more to it but that's good enough for now. And no I wasnt trying to go right into dating someone else and breaking up with was a something I realized was stupid but didnt know what to do.

 

And we were seeing each other once or twice a week until I left for Thailand.

 

No offense to you wowIlose but PLEASE tell me someone has something positive to say!

[0hpenelope]

Yes! Thank you for using paragraphs.

 

Seven years of being together and being told that you want to be with someone else... yes, she's shattered. She's had time to think about things between you guys during your trip to Thailand and whatever she thought about or decided did not come easily to her. No one will leave someone without good reason, and when I say good reason of course it's a "good reason" to the person leaving.

 

The only thing that you can really do is keep proving to her that that old you? It's gone. You've changed and you're really in it for the long haul. It's quite tricky because even if you do everything "right", then even then it's not guaranteed. I like to remain hopeful with your situation because most long-term relationships don't lose their fire just like that and she's obviously torn about what she did. You have to assure your presence in her life as her "main squeeze" will be steady and constant, not distracted.

 

Bro, I'm sorry I gotta call you out on this but you want to be with someone of the Chinese culture? Really? "Wow, my boyfriend is losing his feelings for me because I'm not this particular kind of girl." That would shatter my heart... After all the time and yes, there are complications, but c'mon... it sounds like you didn't think things through yourself.

 

I suggest looking up badbrit's posts here. While his choice of words bothers me a little, the content of his advice is worth reading and listening to. Also, I've been reading faceplant's experience over at the Separation subforum. If you're looking for optimistic posts, his is among the many to look at.

 

I hope things work out for you. And you already know this, the ball's in her court. No matter what we advise you or what suggestions we give you on how to make things right again, it's all on her. Best regards to you, ok?

[wowIlose]

I think if you want to see this work you need to pull back a bit and let her breath...she knows you regret your actions, how could she not after reading your 10 page letter or listening to your cds.

 

If you continue to push she'll find reasons to pull away from you, this is how these things work friend. Instead give her some room to miss the little things you guys shared and at later point reappear a much more confident, improved you and start doing fun things again without bringing up the past, arguing, begging, pleading.

 

You need to build your trust back with her, but its going to be very difficult at this point, if not impossible. This is why I recommend some space so you can get out of the negative area that she associates you with in her mind.

 

After sometime people generally start to remember some of the good things that are no longer there, this is what you need.. you need her to get to this point before you can think about rebuilding her trust.

 

My only concern is she's going to be extremely guarded after what you did and I think your desperation and panic will push her further away.

 

Read around the boards and see the common mistakes people make, including myself when I was in your shoes.

 

This may not be exactly what you wanted to hear but its far more accurate then telling you everything will be fine and dandy with your EX if you just continue making cds and short novels for her.

 

Either way good luck.

[2nd2none]

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.

 

I deserve this pain just for being that dumb and hurting the woman I love so much. And I am willing to accept that...without a doubt.

 

I know it did shatter her heart. I've tried to all I could to assure her that she is TOTALLY the only one for me and how wrong I was. That's why I came home. She never thought she meant that much to me.

 

Everybody keeps telling me she just needs to deal with the hurt I caused her...and I'm hoping they are right.

 

Her decision did not come easy she came here and sat and cried in her car and all kinds of stuff. She talked to my parents and everything.

 

And you are quite right. In the letter I mentioned I wrote I told her I never really "thought about it" I just did it.

 

And in that same letter I explained how everything I had written and was doing was the product of our "love, friendship, the beautiful relationship we have, our hopes for the future, the passion we share and careful thought and consideration."

 

She had often written me letters and cards and this was the first letter like that I had written for her. And like I said, the expression on her face told me she could not believe that I was saying all of these things.

 

Thank you very much for the kind regards I really appreciate them. Yes, I understand the ball is in her court that's why im trying to patiently wait for her. She waited for me to come around much longer than I have waited so far. She and I both know we are THE one for each other.

We never lost the fire at all and I hope that is part of what brings her back home.

 

So, I've stayed out of the way and have not spoken to her in a little more than two weeks.

 

Thanks again...Im trying to remain objective but I'm also trying to to keep every bit of hope alive!

[2nd2none]

wow, thanks for coming back and saying these things.

 

Oh and believe me I have stopped.

 

We haven't spoken for more than 2 weeks. And the only time we ever argued was right there at the end. We had a great relationship and got along beautifully. That's why I've been so hard on myself about it and saying I know I deserve what I'm dealing with now just because of how I made her feel.

 

And like I said above, I'm trying to remain objective and at the same time keep every bit of hope I have alive!

 

 

I think if you want to see this work you need to pull back a bit and let her breath...she knows you regret your actions, how could she not after reading your 10 page letter or listening to your cds.

 

If you continue to push she'll find reasons to pull away from you, this is how these things work friend. Instead give her some room to miss the little things you guys shared and at later point reappear a much more confident, improved you and start doing fun things again without bringing up the past, arguing, begging, pleading.

 

You need to build your trust back with her, but its going to be very difficult at this point, if not impossible. This is why I recommend some space so you can get out of the negative area that she associates you with in her mind.

 

After sometime people generally start to remember some of the good things that are no longer there, this is what you need.. you need her to get to this point before you can think about rebuilding her trust.

 

My only concern is she's going to be extremely guarded after what you did and I think your desperation and panic will push her further away.

 

Read around the boards and see the common mistakes people make, including myself when I was in your shoes.

 

This may not be exactly what you wanted to hear but its far more accurate then telling you everything will be fine and dandy with your EX if you just continue making cds and short novels for her.

 

Either way good luck.