ButtHead Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I'm in a weird situation. My GF and I went out for 9 months and I lost her when I was unsure of telling her that I loved her and we were getting a little unhappy. She told me she loved me and I believe her, but I couldn't give her the same. So at one point, she got a chance to go out with another guy and asked if she could go out with him while she waited to get an answer from me. I figured I screwed up somewhere and if it makes her happy, sure. We both knew it was hard for me to wait on her, but that's what she was doing for me so it was only fair. We still talked and were close talking about getting back together at first, but after a few months, we slowly lost the closeness. Somewhere along the line, she started to suggest that I move on. We're still good friends, but this was the worst 3 months of my life. I feel like I'm dying worse everyday without her. She used to like when I talked to her a lot about how I miss her, but now I'm creeping her out. I love her dearly and I don't know what to do without her. I'm seriously losing sleep over this and it's getting worse. I feel like I can't breathe.
0hpenelope Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Brother, I'll lay it out for you in very logical terms: since the moment all of us were born, we started the process of death - cellular death, that is. Some pessimists have taken to the quote "We were born to die." In the biological sense, it is one truth. Good thing that I'm a little more optimistic than that! You're not "dying" without her. Your happiness is not contingent upon one person. When you say things like that, it's because you're allowing your happiness to be dependent on this person. Your happiness is dependent on you. You're going to meet people who will enhance this happiness, but your happiness is still all on you. I hear a brokenhearted person talking right now. That's not you. It's not the you your friends and family know. No one on this earth talks about death unless they're in pain or something else; but I'm saying that in general, the death talk is not something that happy people, people who are healthy emotionally, talk about. The girl is getting creeped out because she's already checked out on you emotionally. She's seeing a side of you that perhaps, she perceives as a weakness. You've maintained contact and it has perpetuated a sort of expectancy that you will get back with her someday. Now you're seeing that it's not going to be that way now or in the immediate future. Nothing you do can change her mind or heart.. Two ways: change it to light contact (LC) with her and maintain some friendship that way or start a gradual process to NC. And take a proactive stance on ceasing those thoughts that you're dying without her! That's not true and you know it. You're in pain. When you're ready to, occupy your mind with other activities ok? You can't do the whole "keep yourself busy" if you're not ready and you're unwilling to. I hope other users will offer their insight on your situation. Keep your head up, bro.
Author ButtHead Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Thanks for the positive spin. I almost dug myself deeper into the depression hole, but the only reason I'm trying to stay positive now is that I'm hoping to get her back. I realize she's not going to want me if I'm depressed. We lost a little bit of contact since we were both busy, but now that we're not so busy, I don't get many calls from her and we don't hang out. My chances seem low to me, but I'm thinking I have a chance. I love her more than anything now and I believe she loved me the same way. It would be devastating if I'm too late and she's gotten over me. Hopefully not because I can't imagine getting over her.
Kira Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Mate, i'm in a similar situation as you. You really have to think positive. She ain't going to take a 'depressed' you back. She's only going to take you back if you are 'better' than before. You should learn from the past about what you've done wrong and how you could become a better bf in the future. Even if its not for her, it still benefits the next gf you have. As 0hpenelope said, everything pretty much depends on you. You learn from the experience, think about what you did wrong and move on. We make mistakes every now and then in life and we grow from it. This is for our own benefit, not just relationships, but every other aspects. I know its a hard time but you can't let the spiral of sadness drag you down. Find something to do to occupy your thoughts. Sport's always my first choice. Once i've sweated, I don't seem to remember as much as before! The future is unpredictable mate and everyone has a certain amount of time to live before they pass away. So why waste it sobbing when you can make use of time more postively? If you want to get your ex back, then you've got to prove to yourself that you are worth her love. Stay positive!
Author ButtHead Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 There's less of a chance than I thought. I can think of multiple ways I could've held onto her while we were still together. This is the hardest part of my life. She has a bf and she's living with him. Not in the same room, but still. I understand she can't just leave this new bf and she says it's a healthy relationship. We still consider each other significantly important people in our lives, but it's back to sleepless nights and no air for me. I have to do this while pretending to do something with my life so I can ride on the small percentage of hope that I still have. Life would be a million times easier if I didn't love her or if I had another chance. Life blows. Why was I programmed to feel pain?
BiAxident Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I have to do this while pretending to do something with my life so I can ride on the small percentage of hope that I still have. No. You need to realize that there are over six billion people on the planet. You need to consider the futility of basing all of your happiness in the hands of one person. If you live in America, you need to understand that there was a 50% chance you would lose her anyways. In addition, you need to cry, punch something, play an instrument, go for really long runs, drink a whiskey & coke, read a book, play some video games, lift weights, watch "the game", learn to cook a new meal, get a haircut, buy a new shirt, pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, and move on! In that order soldier!
replicator Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 If this didn't work out, then you have to believe that there is someone better. There always is. As much as I love my ex, it didn't work out either. Things happen for a reason. Don't blame yourself for this - you can't change the past, and more than likely things would have fell apart anyhow. I could relate because I felt exactly the same as you. Even this morning on my way to work I broke down again. You will have setbacks, but the important thing is that you decide to move on. Go NC, and with time you'll start to see the light again, however dim it may appear. We have a choice to live depressed and in the past, or we can choose to focus on NOW, and make tomorrow better. As Penelope stated, your happiness is up to you. You need to believe that, because it is the ultimate truth.
Author ButtHead Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 It's hard because I swear if I had the chance to turn back time, things would've been different. She's with someone else and there's absolutely nothing I can do to bring her back. There are six billion people, but I don't want a single one of them but my ex. The hardest part is I cannot go NC. I'm not even sure if I want to. I have a chance to keep her in my life as a friend and I don't want to lose that either. I'm going to have to get over this without ignoring like I get over everything else. Breaking down helps. I sort of feel better from it.
BiAxident Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 It's hard because I swear if I had the chance to turn back time, things would've been different. She's with someone else and there's absolutely nothing I can do to bring her back. There are six billion people, but I don't want a single one of them but my ex. I know how you feel. I won't be doing any dating for about a year and a half, I imagine. I will be too busy with work and school for any romantic entanglements. That's why I gave you that list. If you decide it's her or no-one, you're going to need some activities to fill your spare time. You will be having a lot of it. The hardest part is I cannot go NC. I'm not even sure if I want to. I have a chance to keep her in my life as a friend and I don't want to lose that either. I'm going to have to get over this without ignoring like I get over everything else. That was my initial reaction as well. I figured I'd stay living with her until our lease ran up so at least I could be around her and enjoy her company as a friend. It only took one night of sleeping in "our bed" alone that I realized that wasn't going to work. If you don't want to use NC, let me be the first to wish you the best of luck. If you can handle just being friends with her, kudos to you. I might be able to endure that with my ex-gf, but certainly not anytime soon. I strongly advise you to stay away from this woman for at least 1 month. Give yourself some time to re-evaluate the situation. I doubt I'll contact my ex until the six-month anniversary of the breakup, which happens to be Christmas. Even then I'm not sure I'll be ready for it. Breaking down helps. I sort of feel better from it. Yes, it does help. Exercise also helps, a lot. Don't take my word for it, start googling "breakup recovery" and "depression". Also, posting on this site, even if it's to tell the same story over and over helps. You'll also find that helping others through their situations will help you as well. Stay strong!
Author ButtHead Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Not only can I not do NC, but I have to see her with another man. It's the hardest thing in the world, second to losing her, but I love her enough accept her friendship. I'll try light contact, but I can't do NC. Not even for a month. Call me dependent, but I figure it's like crack. I can't just quit crack after being addicted for a year. Otherwise I'll get withdrawals. I still need her. Thanks for the advice. It organizes at least the next year of my life nicely. I do imagine it'll be her or no one else so I guess I should start filling my time.
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