silver bullet Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 ok so me and my ex broke up 3 months ago after a year and a half relationship...we had several problems for about a month or two ok well it was her decision to breakup but after a year of communicating very well we missed out a few things and that caused some fighting i would like to work things out with her...we still talk every now and then like every week or so it was more while we were at school but now were 2 hours apart until august 1st...basically i want some tips on what you think i should do since i've already decided against going the complete NC way i want to get her back but at the same time i'm not going to beg for her back and by no means do i want to hand her my balls on a silver platter to be stomped all over... also one more thing should i be able to get her out on a date again i want to be able to tell her that i still have really strong feelings for her and that i still love her however theres so much more to love than just that and I have to re-gain that trust because you hurt me alot...how do i go about saying something like that without it sounding retarded? also is there anything in particular that you think i should be trying to get her to talk about to see if i can get a second chance...currently i've just avoided all topics about dating and thats about it any advice is greatly appreciated
wowIlose Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 i want to be able to tell her that i still have really strong feelings for her and that i still love her however theres so much more to love than just that and I have to re-gain that trust because you hurt me alot... *sigh* Don't do it. Best advice ever.
Author silver bullet Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 well i mean you may say that...she did break my trust but not by cheating on me or anything just lieing about cigarettes to me...i know she tried her best to quit when she started smoking, but i got upset about the fact that she started period and i refused to back down she then told me she would quit for me and she was working on it and working on it but like 3 months later she was still working on it and she'd cut back alot but she told me she had to want to quit to be able to quit and she was trying...which annoyed me...basically i didn't give her the say she wanted in the matter and didn't talk things through with her properly...honestly i believe its just a phase in her life because she's gone through plenty of them before most of them in the past before we started dating, but to me the girl is worth it because of how much we have in common...she's the first person i've ever been able to connect to in this way and we never shared a dull moment or an awkward period of silence... anyways i just feel i have to try or i'd be missing out on something in life thats why i'm looking for some advice
Author silver bullet Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 any1 got any advice or articles/web sites i can look at thanks
BiAxident Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 My advice? Stay away from her. You are setting yourself up for another period of anguish. In addition, the fact that she is the only woman you've had this connection with says something. So, if you really love the "Big-Mac", does that mean you will never try the "Whopper"? The point being that, even if the two of you get back together, the odds of it lasting "until the end of time" or whatever other cliche you want to use, are very slim. At some point, you are going to have to put trust and faith in another person, or become content living alone. It's that simple. Use NC, it's the way to be!
Author silver bullet Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 i understand where you guys are coming from its just that i've made my decision to try again...also i've dated other woman plenty 3 in the last month and quite a few before we started dating just never connected to any of them like i did to her...anyways time heals things...heres a little more back ground ok well me and this girl started dating when we lived in the dorms together after we were best friends for a good 4 months...we continued to be best friends after we started dating and she became friends with all of my friends ok well when we broke up she was still friends with all of my friends so NC was never really an option for me because it wouldn't have mattered a whole lot (i talked to her as little as possible)...in any case the only break we'll probably ever have from each other is this period of summer. i also understand i'm putting myself back out there to potentially get hurt again, but i feel like if i don't try i'm not living life to the fullest which is what i want to do. I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what could have been.
Author silver bullet Posted May 29, 2008 Author Posted May 29, 2008 lol what a joke this forum is...i'll just figure it out on my own every single topic is like the same thing the same people saying don't reach out don't take a chance just move on with your life why do they even bother having a forum up if they could just put up a lilttle sticky note saying that exact thing you ppl are a joke and you don't provide support because more than likely you took a shot and it didn't work for you and you just got hurt again...well guess what news flash life, love, and everything else is going to involve pain at some point or another
wowIlose Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Silver, If you want to work towards reconciliation you need to cut back a bit.. NC works in two ways, it removes you from a negative area that your EX has associated you with and allows your EX to miss you it also allows you to move on.. you can decide which you use it towards. Once you got yourself out of that negative zone you can re-establish contact and try to meet up to briefly catch up at which point you can gauge her interest level to see how she acts around you. During this time you should focus on flirting, light fluffly talk, you should be positive, do not bring in the past, do not ask if she likes you, do not ask about reconciliation. You need to treat her as a new person.. and you would never ask a new person if she likes you or wants to date you directly.. you play the little games, you look your best and you build on attraction and emotional attachment again. Whatever you decide to do by all means do not just ask her to give you a second chance, don't tell her you love her or still have strong feelings.. you need to bring back attraction, and maintain challenge, you also need to instill some hope into her followed by uncertanty to build her desire for you. Of course you can do all these things and still get nowhere.. you can also do these things and she'll see right through them because deep down inside your body language and smaller factors are giving you away as not genuine. I am a little tired of giving out this advice because people like yourself tend to complain they don't get anything but go "NC" response and when they get something they end just not followng up any advice and resort to neediness and complete desperation, which sets them back because it leads to further pushing away from the EX... which feeds a vicious circle that leads to more desperation and eventually stunts self growth... it is why NC and moving on is usually the best advice you can give someone but if you want to try then by all means go and try... I wish you luck.
miss_28 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 ...tell her that i still have really strong feelings for her and that i still love her however theres so much more to love than just that and I have to re-gain that trust because you hurt me a lot...how do i go about saying something like that without it sounding retarded? also is there anything in particular that you think i should be trying to get her to talk about to see if i can get a second chance... if you broke up with her, that's one thing... but be sure you know what you're doing in asking for a second chance. are you sure its love? ask yourself the real reason you want her back and be honest with your answers. if she broke up with you... well... forget it, you'll come off sounding lame... unfortunately. in either case, DO NOT try to manipulate her... it sucks and will come to bite you in the ass... now, let me clear up something here... and this may seem like i'm contradicting myself, but hear me out (& i hope i'm not feeding false hope here...). i actually believe, in some VERY RARE cases (very, very rare), second chances may work (I've seen twice actually, and only time will tell if they ultimately succeed). but in both cases, it only happens when both parties have grown, healed, moved on separately and at a MUCH LATER TIME IN LIFE (like years) had their paths re-cross naturally (and they had worked through their own issues on their own by this time). It is so incredibly rare, and in my opinion, the odds are smaller than getting hit by lightning... and non-existent if you chase the other person down. think about it... is it worth it? really... every single topic is like the same thing the same people saying don't reach out don't take a chance just move on with your life taking chances is great... just take a chance on other things, not on a relationship that didn't work... that, imo, is the opposite of taking a chance, that is trying to hold onto to something that feels safe (read: the past) take a chance on being single, moving on to better relationships you ppl are a joke and you don't provide support because more than likely you took a shot and it didn't work for you and you just got hurt again...well guess what news flash life, love, and everything else is going to involve pain at some point or another yes, life involves all kinds of emotions, ups, downs, pain, joy... but why self-inflict more pain if its not necessary? why hit your own head against the wall? fwiw, i'm still healing, and i intend on taking chances again in the future despite having been hurt... however, i want to heal properly first so i can be at the top of my game again and have a new relationship with a new person... i'm not going to throw the whole game because i was impatient or needed validation.
Author silver bullet Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 theres some advice thank you lol...and we have 3 months apart for summer and like i said she's friends with all of my guy friends so i'm pretty much going to be hanging out with her one way or another at some point ok well what ended up happening was i broke up with her 5 months ago when the problems started because well its complicated and i don't want to make a mile long post...it did leave me heartbroken tho... she said she would improve and i took her back a couple of weeks later...she worked to quit smoking (which she had started about 2 months before this), she tried to cut back on the amount of weed she was smoking, and the amount of drinking she was doing well basically long story short we were back together for about a month...i told her that i wasn't going to be staying at school for the summer because i needed to go home and work and save up some money...at the time she was incredibly stressed she had no money, had rent to pay, was working full time as a waitress, her grades were suffering, exams were like 2 weeks ago, she had a 3 month old dog to take care of, she hated her roommate, and she was trying to improve herself in any case it wasn't really the drinking or the weed that bothered me that much (i drink regularly and smoke weed every now and then) it was that i was worried about her because of her money struggles and school struggles (she had just started both recently btw)...the cigarettes are what got me because i told her before we started dating that i never wanted to date someone who smoked... well long story short she said she just couldn't do it right now because she had too much stuff going on...she was devestated when she ended it and my friends told me she went into a dark depression and went back to cutting herself, which she hadn't done since we started dating...she also drank and smoked her sorrows away anyway from what i've heard she's been doing alot better and is working on cutting back on those things...thats whats making me take a second look at things and i go back to school in a month and a half so i was just trying to figure out a good approach
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