blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Long story short; I'm 18, he's 23. He used to go to StripClubs and Bars all of the time.. with his drunken idiot-like friends. His BESTFRIEND's life consists of being drunk 24/7 and going to bars, and the "b00bie shows". I am completely and utterly against strip clubs. I think their filthy. I could go on forever about how gross I think they are but I'll save the rant for another time. My boyfriend wants me to like his friends... especially his best friend. He told me, "When we're living together and engaged/married, I would want to be able to call him up and invite him over and have all of the people I care about in the same room...knowing that no one is upset with each other." I don't like the idea of his friend being devoted to drinking and strip clubs. I told my boyfriend how I felt about him going to strip clubs and stuff & I said, "I'm not stopping you from going to them. You know how I feel about them; and if that opportunity ever comes up for you to go there, the decision is completely up to you. You know how I feel so you can take it from there." My boyfriend also feels like he can't go hang out with his friends because he's afraid I'll be upset. Well, for starters... I don't care if he hangs out with them. Just makes me VERY uncomfortable because his BESTFRIEND is a drunken idiot, and sees women as objects. I hate that. The last time my boyfriend went out with him , they went out to the bars and my boyfriend came home with a black eye and no shoes or coat? It's hard to be focussed on our relationship when my boyfriend feels this way...and is friends with someone who devotes his life to alcohol and "b00b shows" and hasn't grown out of that preteen immature stage. I've talked about it with him, how I don't "hate" his friends but I'm just not comfortable around them. I don't know how to discuss this without him thinking I am controlling him... which I don't want to do nor do I think I am. I'm not stopping him from going to bars, hanging with his friends, etc. But I just don't like the idea of him hanging out with the crowd he does. especially because I've seen the way they act and know what his drunken friend likes to do! I think it's because I'm not bar age yet,... I don't even know. Gah. Sorry if this confusing but its hard to type out something thats scattered all throughout my brain. I can't get my thoughts together, lol. Thanks for your opinions/insights.
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 The last time my boyfriend went out with him , they went out to the bars and my boyfriend came home with a black eye and no shoes or coat? LMFAO! OK, I would SO love to know the story behind that one. It's been my experience that if you lose your shoes during the night, something for the record books went down. Does the BF have a GF?
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 LMFAO! OK, I would SO love to know the story behind that one. It's been my experience that if you lose your shoes during the night, something for the record books went down. Does the BF have a GF? Apparently... there was 2 guys that ganged up on him... for what reason? Never quite understood. Anyways, he ended up losing his coat and his shoes somehow. His best friend does not have a girlfriend. Infact, he told us last time he was drunk that he had a date a few days ago, and "I could not talk to her at all. It was very awkward. im not swift with the ladies unless Im drunk."
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 LOL. Just funny the way you put it the first time. I think by the time you and this guy get married, chances are very good that the BF will have his own GF by then, or, that he will have grown up a bit and won't be such an influence on your guy. Regardless, you are both VERY young - try not to put the cart before the horse and worry about your married life until you're living together and then have to deal with it.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 LOL. Just funny the way you put it the first time. I think by the time you and this guy get married, chances are very good that the BF will have his own GF by then, or, that he will have grown up a bit and won't be such an influence on your guy. Regardless, you are both VERY young - try not to put the cart before the horse and worry about your married life until you're living together and then have to deal with it. I sure hope his friend matures. Even a little bit would be nice.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 A person's friends are usually a reflection of who they are, too. So, your boyfriend is probably a lot like this best friend. I would lose him. That's what I always beleived BUT i also beleive people can change. and i beleive that he has left that outrageous lifestyle behind since he has been with me. But Im only afraid that his friends will start influencing him again and make him start missing his old lifestyle... Thats all. I really like him and I dont want to lose him.
Replicant Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 In a way you being 18 is being very hypocritical of the bar/club scene in which likely you'll be into somewhat in coming years. This comes off as controlling of something he likes to do with his friends, but you are excluded and maybe this reflects part of your reactions on the whole. His friends are his friends good and bad, that's just the way it is. There's no sense yammering on about it to him, trying to facilitate a wedge or divide based on your thoughts of them. Outline your "Dealbreakers" on the relationship such as strip clubs. If he crosses certain moral boundaries and expectations, you certainly have every means to move onto someone whom fits your needs better.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 In a way you being 18 is being very hypocritical of the bar/club scene in which likely you'll be into somewhat in coming years. This comes off as controlling of something he likes to do with his friends, but you are excluded and maybe this reflects part of your reactions on the whole. . I don't care that he goes to the bars. Whoopee. I just dont like the whole strip club thing. They're nasty. And I don't think because I'm 18 I'm being hypocrtical of strip clubs. When I'm 19, 20, 34, 56, I'll still have the same opinion. It's something I find , and will always find... absolutely disgusting.
spookie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I don't care that he goes to the bars. Whoopee. I just dont like the whole strip club thing. They're nasty. And I don't think because I'm 18 I'm being hypocrtical of strip clubs. When I'm 19, 20, 34, 56, I'll still have the same opinion. It's something I find , and will always find... absolutely disgusting. Have you ever been to a strip club? Have you ever been wasted at a strip club? They're pretty fun.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Have you ever been to a strip club? Have you ever been wasted at a strip club? They're pretty fun. No I haven't and don't intend on ever going.
spookie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I understand how you feel. I think if you were 21, though, and could participate in all the revelry with him, you'd loosen up about it. SOME people's friends are a reflection on them; some people are more independent than that. Personally, I have all sorts of friends, and none have ever prevented me from being the basketcase that I am. You either trust your bf or you don't. His friends aren't going to make the decision whether to cheat on you or not in any situation. Either he will, or he won't; and if he does, you'll find out. So chill out.
spookie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 No I haven't and don't intend on ever going. It's a little irrational and misinformed to hold such a strong opinion about someplace you've never been, don't you think?
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 It's a little irrational and misinformed to hold such a strong opinion about someplace you've never been, don't you think? He's told me stories about his past experiences at the strip clubs and to hell that I would want him to be in that kind of environment again when he is dating me! It's a little thing called respect and I don't want my man to be sitting somewhere staring at naked women, having (sorry for the description here but..) water vibrators splash all over his face and other GROSS AND DISGUSTING THINGS happen that i wont even bother mentioning. Having lap dances to me, I consider it cheating. If thats not cheating then hey what about a blowjob. Is that cheating? Yes. They may be two entirely different things but intimacy should be shared with the person whom you are dating. Some will agree with me, some wont. We all have mixed opinions on this matter, but I know how i feel about it, and I will not change.
spookie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 He's told me stories about his past experiences at the strip clubs and to hell that I would want him to be in that kind of environment again when he is dating me! It's a little thing called respect and I don't want my man to be sitting somewhere staring at naked women, having (sorry for the description here but..) water vibrators splash all over his face and other GROSS AND DISGUSTING THINGS happen that i wont even bother mentioning. Having lap dances to me, I consider it cheating. If thats not cheating then hey what about a blowjob. Is that cheating? Yes. They may be two entirely different things but intimacy should be shared with the person whom you are dating. Some will agree with me, some wont. We all have mixed opinions on this matter, but I know how i feel about it, and I will not change. Hey, I never said anything about water vibrators or even lap dances. I'm just saying, just cause he's there doesn't mean he's crossing boundaries, necessarily. There are lots of guys who go to strip clubs just to hang out and drink with their friends. They're not even interested in the strippers. I would know - hustling used to be my job.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Hey, I never said anything about water vibrators or even lap dances. I'm just saying, just cause he's there doesn't mean he's crossing boundaries, necessarily. There are lots of guys who go to strip clubs just to hang out and drink with their friends. They're not even interested in the strippers. I would know - hustling used to be my job. If its for socializing then whats wrong with the good old sports bar? or a more tame place? I just dont like the environment. What he described in his past experiences at strip clubs made me want to hurl. and it would break my heart if he chose to go back to something like that knowing how i feel about them. thats all im saying.
Krytie TV Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hey blondie, I'm curious. How many nights a week do you go out with your own friends without your bf around?
elephance Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hey, I never said anything about water vibrators or even lap dances. I'm just saying, just cause he's there doesn't mean he's crossing boundaries, necessarily. There are lots of guys who go to strip clubs just to hang out and drink with their friends. They're not even interested in the strippers. I would know - hustling used to be my job. Sorry to be nosy, what does that specifically entail as a job? Did you get superanuation? I can see where blondie is coming from, but I had a friend who didn't find them particularly charming. Personally I didn't need to know, but he felt the need to share, and he mentioned that he had friends that liked to drink... which is why he went. I don't know, Perhaps it's all the flashing lights... Some people are easily amused.
Woggle Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 They are his friends and you should not expect him to drop them just because he is involved with you.
sally4sara Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I can understand being upset about him coming home in such a state. Two guys jumped him? Where were his great buddies when that was happening? But the rest.....maybe you would be better off with someone in your own age group and life style standards. You have almost four years before you can go out with him to clubs. In four years he could have grown bored of it all and then you could be angry all over again because what he could curb for you, he then wouldn't want to experience with you. Leaving you with the whole idea that he only enjoyed it BECAUSE you were not there. The strip club thing? That is your feelings on it and you don't have to change your mind about it. Expecting him to change his mind about it isn't fair though. It is an incompatibility. I suggest a new boyfriend. Relationships not have to be such a struggle when you find someone you think like.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Hey blondie, I'm curious. How many nights a week do you go out with your own friends without your bf around? Of all the time we've been going out, I've only been out with a gal friend of mine like 4 times. And all of those 4 times, he's been included. Sure, we went and did our own thing for a few hours... going to the mall, trying on clothes, getting coffees and sitting and talking... but afterwards we'd always go see him at work, go to his house and play the wii. He's always included when I go out in some way.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 They are his friends and you should not expect him to drop them just because he is involved with you. I don't expect him to drop them. But there comes a time when you need to set apart whats important and whats not... and decide when it's time to grow up! His friends are obviously not out of the teenager stage and it brings out the child in him as well.
Woggle Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 As long as they are supporting themselves and taking care of things they have every right to go to strip clubs and have fun. I have friends who are into all sorts of things I don't agree with but they are my family and I will never disown them.
Author blondie_xo Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 As long as they are supporting themselves and taking care of things they have every right to go to strip clubs and have fun. I have friends who are into all sorts of things I don't agree with but they are my family and I will never disown them. I don't give a rats what his friends do... I just don't think its right to be in a relationship and go to strip clubs, especially since my b/f explained what kind of happens there a while back and what happened to him and his friends.
Krytie TV Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Of all the time we've been going out, I've only been out with a gal friend of mine like 4 times. And all of those 4 times, he's been included. Sure, we went and did our own thing for a few hours... going to the mall, trying on clothes, getting coffees and sitting and talking... but afterwards we'd always go see him at work, go to his house and play the wii. He's always included when I go out in some way. That's what I suspected. I think some of the issue here is that you don't do things with your own friends (if you have any, no offense) and therefore spend all of your energy worrying about what he's doing with his. Why don't you try getting more of a social life without him and you may find these things aren't so important anymore.
ARDriver01 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 That's what I always beleived BUT i also beleive people can change. and i beleive that he has left that outrageous lifestyle behind since he has been with me. But Im only afraid that his friends will start influencing him again and make him start missing his old lifestyle... Thats all. I really like him and I dont want to lose him. Do you think you've changed him for the better? Is it just the strip club thing? I can understand being really pissed off about that.
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