arian_ma Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hey guys, so as of tomorrow I will have been in NC for 4 weeks with my ex. I am still hurting, but for the past while I was able to ignore pretty much everything and get on with my day. Today however, it all came crashing down on me and I felt like garbage pretty much all day. I tried talking it out with friends, but it hasn't helped. Pretty much what is bothering me is this: I do not want her back, I do not respect her as a person anymore, I don't want to see her, talk to her or be with her...most of the time. I know these are all the correct things to think and what I actually want. The issue is, she has a new BF (obviously) and that makes me extremely upset, however, I do not know WHY I am upset. I get the fact that she is choosing someone else over me etc., but when it comes down to the point, I can't figure out why I am upset, which bothers me even more. Another thing that really bothers me is that she went from being a loving and emotional person to something that I really dislike, she is not herself anymore, she turned her back on me and that is why I do not respect her. Our friends are very mutual, and in the past month it has been easy not contacting her because I was away on a trip and she is now away on a trip until this Friday. When she gets back, I have this huge fear that I will be isolated out of my group of friends because she will always be at all of the events, and I will by choice be not attending. Also, while I was away she sent me an email spilling some emotions, but nothing like "I love you" or "I want you back." It was more like "I am going to school abroad, and I am scared," sort of leaning on me for support email. At the end of it she asked me to write her a response "if I had the time" or "call her when I felt was right" because right before I left for my trip, I told her that seeing her and talking to her was just hurting me too much, and I did not want to talk to her or see her anymore until I thought I was ready. I wrote a very large, very angry response to her email and sent it to myself instead of her, I never sent her a response. So I guess that is a pretty vague yet large prelude to my questions: 1. Should I attend the events whenI know she will be there? She may or may not bring her new BF and I know that will make me feel like a bag of smashed *******s (excuse the language), and I have no counter argument for why I should attend. 2. When I feel as down as I did today, what are some steps to take in order to attempt to lift myself up? I know none of what you suggest will be concrete and absolute, but I need to do something. I can't feel like this anymore. I was extremely close to breaking NC today, sending her an email spilling my emotions. The fact of the matter is, I do not want HER back in my life, but I absolutely do want (and believe that I need) SOMEONE in my life. However, I am finding it very hard to meet new people seeing as how I have pretty much isolated myself within my circle of friends. My job is an office job where I do not meet any girls my own age, and I do not have the "skills" to pick up girls at the bar, not that that would be a good relationship anyways, but I also feel quite confident in myself and believe that I could date most girls if I just got a chance to talk with them. Thank you for all of your help.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 1. Should I attend the events when I know she will be there? She may or may not bring her new BF and I know that will make me feel like a bag of smashed *******s (excuse the language), and I have no counter argument for why I should attend. Yes. These are your friends and you are going to have to face it sooner or later. If you don't want her back then that will be more clear when you see her. If it is too hard the first time make an excuse and leave and try again. When you see her be polite but don't engage her if possible. Its going to take a little backbone but I think you can handle it. 2. When I feel as down as I did today, what are some steps to take in order to attempt to lift myself up? I know none of what you suggest will be concrete and absolute, but I need to do something. I can't feel like this anymore. I write when I feel bad. I get it all out of me. If you can talk to someone do it. If you write or talk it helps you work through your feelings and gain strength. Facing it head on and then doing something you enjoy will help. I was extremely close to breaking NC today, sending her an email spilling my emotions. The fact of the matter is, I do not want HER back in my life, but I absolutely do want (and believe that I need) SOMEONE in my life. However, I am finding it very hard to meet new people seeing as how I have pretty much isolated myself within my circle of friends. My job is an office job where I do not meet any girls my own age, and I do not have the "skills" to pick up girls at the bar, not that that would be a good relationship anyways, but I also feel quite confident in myself and believe that I could date most girls if I just got a chance to talk with them. I felt very much the same way at one point. I didn't write him because I knew it would fall on deaf ears. I wrote it all out for myself. I talked to my friends about meeting new people and I've been reaching out. I've been out with a few guys and the prospect of dating them has made my break up seem worse. It isn't good when the ex looks good by comparison. As long as you are trying you will meet someone. At least that is what they tell me...
jon01 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Man it sounds like you're in the same boat as me. I've also been about 1 month NC and suspect my wife might be seeing someone else. She is the way you describe your ex... cold and totally different, and like another person I do not know. I already know she was talking and emailing with another guy, and I suspect she is head over heels in love. There are days when I think I don't want her anymore, and I get angry at what she has done. Then there are other days where I miss her very much, and I want to just forgive her and have her back. But she doesn't call or write, and it's like she doesn't give a rat's ass about me anymore. It's really sad and pathetic. But yeah, the thought of her with another man just burns me up. For me it's mostly because we are STILL MARRIED and she is my wife. I would expect her to do this after we get a divorce finalized. But even then, knowing she is with some other guy would bug me. I guess it's because when we form such a close bond, it's hard to imagine someone else with that person. It works both ways though. No matter how strong your women is/was or thinks she is, once she learns of you going out with another lady she will be jealous and feeling the same things too. The thought of some guy flirting and his dirty hands all over my wife, all the while knowing she is still married, that really pi$$es me off. It's something that is difficult if not impossible to not get angry/jealous over.
Author arian_ma Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 LikeCharlotte, thank you very much for your words of wisdom, I have been told by my friends not to attend events at which she will be, and I think that is probably a good idea, but I think it is better to gauge how I feel once and go from there. jon01, you are right, we are in the same place except for my commitment was not as serious as yours, but just thinking that not too long ago this person told me they were in love with me, and now they are completely cold, it just breaks my heart. I just can't wait for my next relationship to begin.
jon01 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Good luck Arian_ma. My heart is broken too, but I hear they repair themselves in time;) Don't worry about the fact she seems so completely different.. I am dealing with the same crap, along with who knows how many others out there. Yes, once you meet the next lady and things go good, you will forget about your ex soon enough. Then when things are going well with the new one, that's when the old one will be looking you up again. Women are all the same, and probably part of some Matrix like "brain" or emotion. I know that sounds crazy.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 LikeCharlotte, thank you very much for your words of wisdom, I have been told by my friends not to attend events at which she will be, and I think that is probably a good idea, but I think it is better to gauge how I feel once and go from there. I had to make the same decision recently. My friends are important to me and I'm not going to let my business be difficult for them. I've decided that Ijust have to chin up and face it. Good luck and hang on tight.
Author arian_ma Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 I just don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to feel that first time I see her with her new boyfriend. I really am not looking forward to that day but I know that I will have to face it soon, and well I just hope that I have my emotions invested somewhere else when it happens.
Author arian_ma Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Hey guys, so today went pretty well, didn't feel too great but not bad. Right now it is 1 AM however and I have been crying for over 30 minutes. It hit me so hard as soon as I put my head down on my pillow to go to sleep. I am making it worse by looking at old pictures and things she made me, I tried but I cannot stop doing it, I just need more of it, I want her back in this moment so badly. Please please, somebody tell me something positive....
kizik Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Here's something positive. You are one ATTRACTIVE motherf*cker. You're a blast to be around, plus you're smart. But not smart in an arrogant way, just well-read and you enjoy cool movies and like learning new things. This chick? You really think she's gonna find someone like you again? Ha! It's really too bad for her that she ruined the best thing in her life. But of course she ruined it, she couldn't see you for how g*ddamn kickas* you are and therefore WASN'T RIGHT FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. Dude, you are a winner who's gonna find someone that spending time with is the easiest, most fun thing in the world. Didn't happen with this chick. She changed. Is that your fault? NO WAY. So hey man, stop looking at those photos (it'll only hurt you), focus on work and school, and know that I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU but I DO, because YOU ARE ME and we've both been "wronged" to some degree. We don't have to be bitter; one day we'll forgive our exes. We still love them, but with all they've done to us... WHY DO WE? Simply because we do. On some level, they're great people, even if they weren't so great to us. PS. That instinct to run to a "next relationship" is PERFECTLY NATURAL... humans want contact with other humans... but you'll be doing yourself a disservice if you don't allow yourself a couple months (I know it sounds like an eternity) of definite single-ness. Who knows, once you've taken than time, you might NOT WANT a new chick. IMO, relationships take us further from ourselves b/c we have to compromise much of our personalities to make the S.O. happy. HOWEVER: This is just what I had to do. Can't wait to meet a girl who loves me AS IS, and stays loving me EXACTLY for who I am.
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Hey guys, so today went pretty well, didn't feel too great but not bad. Right now it is 1 AM however and I have been crying for over 30 minutes. It hit me so hard as soon as I put my head down on my pillow to go to sleep. I am making it worse by looking at old pictures and things she made me, I tried but I cannot stop doing it, I just need more of it, I want her back in this moment so badly. Please please, somebody tell me something positive.... The sun will come up. Just let it out until there isn't any left. Go put on your favorite happy music and be silly for a little while. You can't be sad every minute. Take a break and smile. Bunnies :bunny::bunny::bunny:
LikeCharlotte Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 The issue is, she has a new BF (obviously) I was wondering why it is obvious that she has a new boyfriend. Are you speculating or do you know for sure. Don't answer this until you have finished all of the aforementioned sillytime.
Author arian_ma Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Well guys thank you for the kind words, that was a fairly bad crash, however I am glad I got it out. It had been bottled up for four weeks and I just couldn't hold it anymore. I had a great sleep if that makes any difference. LikeCharolette: I said obviously because usually in these cases the reason we hurt is because the ex has moved on really quickly and we are stuck here hurting.
0hpenelope Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 All I can really say is... when you're feeling down, the only way to go is up. Strive to be happy. (Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata")
jon01 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 The sun will come up. Just let it out until there isn't any left. Go put on your favorite happy music and be silly for a little while. You can't be sad every minute. Take a break and smile. Bunnies :bunny::bunny::bunny: Wow that's great advice! You should write a book.
jon01 Posted May 29, 2008 Posted May 29, 2008 Here's something positive. You are one ATTRACTIVE motherf*cker. You're a blast to be around, plus you're smart. But not smart in an arrogant way, just well-read and you enjoy cool movies and like learning new things. This chick? You really think she's gonna find someone like you again? Ha! It's really too bad for her that she ruined the best thing in her life. But of course she ruined it, she couldn't see you for how g*ddamn kickas* you are and therefore WASN'T RIGHT FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. Dude, you are a winner who's gonna find someone that spending time with is the easiest, most fun thing in the world. Didn't happen with this chick. She changed. Is that your fault? NO WAY. So hey man, stop looking at those photos (it'll only hurt you), focus on work and school, and know that I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU but I DO, because YOU ARE ME and we've both been "wronged" to some degree. We don't have to be bitter; one day we'll forgive our exes. We still love them, but with all they've done to us... WHY DO WE? Simply because we do. On some level, they're great people, even if they weren't so great to us. PS. That instinct to run to a "next relationship" is PERFECTLY NATURAL... humans want contact with other humans... but you'll be doing yourself a disservice if you don't allow yourself a couple months (I know it sounds like an eternity) of definite single-ness. Who knows, once you've taken than time, you might NOT WANT a new chick. IMO, relationships take us further from ourselves b/c we have to compromise much of our personalities to make the S.O. happy. HOWEVER: This is just what I had to do. Can't wait to meet a girl who loves me AS IS, and stays loving me EXACTLY for who I am. That was a great post dude. Thanks for that. I am also in the same situation so that was uplifting, and you are absolutely right about everything you said.
Author arian_ma Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Hey guys, so, here I am again, just needing to vent a bit because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this anymore because I just want it out of my life. I have been doing much much better. I am ready to (and have been) moving on and things are going great. There are the random spurts of pain that come and go, but that is normal, obviously, and I just wanted to tell you all who took the time to read and reply to my messages that I really appreciate what you have all done for me, even though I have no idea who you are. Today, I went on her Facebook profile, and there was a picture of her and her new boyfriend. That hurt deep down, real bad, but, that was 5 minutes ago, I am okay now, not great, but okay. It's still a bit hard to deal with the loneliness, I have booked up all of my time and have taken up some great hobbies as well, but it is just not something that hanging out with friends can fulfill. I can see the sun again so to speak, but I am still finding it hard to let go of it all. She called me two weeks ago and stupid me picked up, but I was firm and did not show much emotion at all. I am not planning to pick up any more of her phone calls, seriously this time (I say that every time but believe in me!). I still find myself wanting to go to her and scream at her for every last second of pain I have felt in the past few months, but I won't. I just don't want to ever see her again. Thanks for reading guys. I needed to get that out badly, as I feel so rejected and isolated by this situation, and it hurts to see that she has so easily let go of our past, even if that is just the costume she is putting on. I can't put that costume on even if I wanted to, and that's what hurts me the most, knowing that I am nothing to her now. I just have a lot of anger built up towards here that I have no where to put, and I need to learn to deal with that.
chrisanderson Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hey man, I'm right there with you. My ex fiance left me for someone else and it hurts SOOO badly. It sucks that I was such a big part of her life and she was such a big part of mine and it's now like we're strangers. It sucks how they can just turn their backs on us and leave us to figure it all out. It sucks that they are constantly on our minds but they have someone else to occupy theirs. It just sucks. But what can we do? We just have to move forward. It's tough but we HAVE to. We have no other choice. Wishing you the best man!
Author arian_ma Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Hey man, I'm right there with you. My ex fiance left me for someone else and it hurts SOOO badly. It sucks that I was such a big part of her life and she was such a big part of mine and it's now like we're strangers. It sucks how they can just turn their backs on us and leave us to figure it all out. It sucks that they are constantly on our minds but they have someone else to occupy theirs. It just sucks. But what can we do? We just have to move forward. It's tough but we HAVE to. We have no other choice. Wishing you the best man! Chris, thanks for the strong words and I will try to use them as an example. I am grateful that there are people I can actually share my thoughts with sometimes, as opposed to annoying my friends constantly. I hope your situation fairs out well my friend.
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