showupbutbroken Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I actually do have a respectable MM. We have never slept together though we both do know we are in love. We stopped talking to see if that would help, not so much. We've tried all NC but end up drawing back to each other. This week, as we are now trying light contact (just checking in on each every so many weeks) he realized that he is unhappy where he is and he moved out. He called me to tell me while also saying it affects his entire life and he needs space to work through all of this. I haven't called him or attempted to make contact since. I am worried because it affects his life more than it would most people. But I respect him more now than ever before because he needs to work through this without me and make this decision not because of me but because "they" aren't working as a couple. He is still young, no kids, first marriage but I know there is a chance that he will go right back to her. I have thrown myself into keeping really busy and trying not to think about it but part of me is wondering what I am supposed to do next. Even if that means just being a friend.
bentnotbroken Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Respectable and MM in the same sentence, hmmm, interesting. I not sure those two adjectives can be used in describing a cheating man or woman for that matter. It would be nice if he leaves his wife alone to find a true man.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Even if that means just being a friend. You two cannot be 'friends', atleast not right now. You need to say goodbye and let him go sort out his marriage, whether it be he decides to fix things with his wife, or divorce. You can't be in his life during that process because he won't do anything, he'll just let 'whatever' happen like things are going on now, staying married and having you on the side. It IS an affair, may not be physical, but it is an emotional one.
NewSunrise Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I actually do have a respectable MM. We have never slept together though we both do know we are in love. What's "respectable" is there about any MM cheating behind his W or anyone who woud hook up with anyone who is married? What was your life like before this MM came along? Did you engage in anything worthwhile, enjoyable, meaningful, growth oriented? Or were you in a hopeless, lonely with the longing of someone to feel a void, depressed and meaningless in a sort of way? And then the MM came along and surprised you albeit his marital status. If you were in relationships prior to MM, was there any gap in between each relationship that would have given you some "ME" time? Or did you just jump from one relationship to the next? But I respect him more now than ever before because he needs to work through this without me and make this decision not because of me but because "they" aren't working as a couple. What would have been "respectable" for this MM to have done is to divest himself from his M before reinvesting in another relationship. Bringing a third party into a M will never benefit anyone, much less you the OW. Once the dust settles, you'll be faced with the nagging question: "He's cheated on his W with me, how can I trust him?" This is one hell of way to live if you end up with this trophy, isn't it?
White Flower Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 It sounds like he is doing what it takes to figure out his life. He has moved out AND is in NC to mild C so your presence doens't cloud his mind. Yeah, just be patient until he knows what he wants. I'm glad you haven't gone PA yet because he can base his decisions on whether THEY are right for each other or not without being caught up in the newness of you and the passion that can come from the physical aspect. Hang in there until he figures it all out.
OWoman Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 SUBB, you can't win on this one! The fact that he didn't have his divorce papers in his hand before you first made eye contact means that some people on this board will forever condemn you - and him - as gutterslime, no matter how it plays out! I agree with WF - he's doing what he has to to disengage from his M, and for that he needs some time to focus. When the fog of that has cleared, he'll be ready to move on - either to engage with you again, or to be by himself if he fears rebounding... or maybe to return to the M if he's decided that's what he needs to do. But he'll have made a decision, you'll know where you stand and you'll be able to move on from there. For now? Give him the space he needs. Get on with your life, doing the stuff that makes you happy. He knows how you feel about him.
Author showupbutbroken Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 I know that some will condemn because of timing but WF and OW, you said what I needed to hear. I need to keep moving on still. I do keep busy, more so than most people. I work about 60 hours a week and still find time to go out at least once a week. I do a lot of volunteer work and have a full life. I don't need him to make me complete, I just want him there. I do know an EA is still an affair. I also know that we are not speaking and haven't been speaking on a regular basis since the end of 2007 to do the respectable thing and let him get on with his marriage. He chose to separate based on stuff he has never talked to me about because I shouldn't know. The only thing I have known for the last year and a half is that he has not been happy.
Mino Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 What's "respectable" is there about any MM cheating behind his W or anyone who woud hook up with anyone who is married? What was your life like before this MM came along? Did you engage in anything worthwhile, enjoyable, meaningful, growth oriented? Or were you in a hopeless, lonely with the longing of someone to feel a void, depressed and meaningless in a sort of way? And then the MM came along and surprised you albeit his marital status. If you were in relationships prior to MM, was there any gap in between each relationship that would have given you some "ME" time? Or did you just jump from one relationship to the next? What would have been "respectable" for this MM to have done is to divest himself from his M before reinvesting in another relationship. Bringing a third party into a M will never benefit anyone, much less you the OW. Once the dust settles, you'll be faced with the nagging question: "He's cheated on his W with me, how can I trust him?" This is one hell of way to live if you end up with this trophy, isn't it?Gee, give the guy a break!!! People do fall in love with someone eles, while still married... He was man enough to move out, and now he wants to sort himself out first. I guess in your eyes, no man can do right.... Iighten up will you, life is not perfect, but it looks to be he is doing the right Thing!!!
neverendingsaga Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Gee, give the guy a break!!! People do fall in love with someone eles, while still married... He was man enough to move out, and now he wants to sort himself out first. I guess in your eyes, no man can do right.... Iighten up will you, life is not perfect, but it looks to be he is doing the right Thing!!! i think the problem is that sometimes MM 'fall in love' w/ OW as a way to escape or help deal w/ or not deal w/ etc... the problems in their M. im not saying that the feelings arent real. just that the motivation behind them could be driven by something less than pure unselfish love. i agree with everyone that she should concentrate on her & not on MM. she doesnt want to be used by him as a crutch. it sounds like hes trying not to do that so that's good on his part... now she can get on w/ her life untill he figures his out. it would be best for them to start w/ a clean slate, him being D'ed of his own choice & her knowing it had nothing to do w/ her & that he didnt lean on her as a crutch & then leave her behind w/ the rest of the emotions from this crazy time period. good luck showupbutbroken. i know this is a hard time, im in the NC club too! we are doing the right thing by focusing on US, thats all we can do when these guys are so confused & conflicted ya know. listen to newsunrise, shes a smart lady!! i dont think shes trying to bash you, just get you to realize their may be other sides to the coin. at least she helped me alot, & she doesnt seem to be saying anything diff. than everyone else here: leave him to his confusion & get on w/ your happy life.
carhill Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 OP, would you be averse to trying something that's really hard? Having a personal meeting and saying your goodbye's, if not indefinitely, then with a timeline? I did this once, many years ago, as an OM (not knowing all this OM, BS, MW, EA, PA stuff), but just knowing I couldn't go on that way and respect myself. My suggestion may sound like a downer, but the good news is, and not in the way you think, that what you feel (and what you're MM feels for you) can stand the test of time. If you are meant to be, you will find each other again. IMO, he has to follow the path which is naturally his. You came into his life for a reason, but he has to make sense of that reason and act on his perspective in his own time. You can't change that. IMO, if you continue with your life and an open heart, and you are meant to be, he will always be somewhere in there. If you are not, your heart will be open to a new man, one with whom you have similar mutual feelings, and your MM will become a distant warm memory of your life experience. Starting this weekend, over the next two weeks, I'll tell my story, while spending some personal time with my old friend, away from our respective R's, saying my goodbye's once again, and will share that process here. A 23 year journey of how an OM became a MM and how life is much more complicated than this black and white guy ever thought it would be. I support you in your journey and wish you well
NewSunrise Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Gee, give the guy a break!!! People do fall in love with someone eles, while still married... He was man enough to move out, and now he wants to sort himself out first. I guess in your eyes, no man can do right.... Iighten up will you, life is not perfect, but it looks to be he is doing the right Thing!!! Mino, what's your story? There's a lot of anger, bitterness and perhaps justification in your words? Yes, people do fall in love while married. Explains why people are here agonized over the process of how it all happened. I think if you've read some of my posts, you'd find that I judge no one least of all "men". If I were as you claim, I wouldn't be with one who means the world to me. Also, what I don't do as many posters do is read each and every subject matter. I concentrate on no more than 2 posters/authors I think worth helping. I don't even read replies written to the authors. Helps keep the fuzziness (mine) level to minimum. listen to newsunrise, shes a smart lady!! i dont think shes trying to bash you, just get you to realize their may be other sides to the coin. at least she helped me alot, & she doesnt seem to be saying anything diff. than everyone else here: leave him to his confusion & get on w/ your happy life. Thanks neverendingsaga. I don't profess to be smart. Hey, this is a very smart advise you're giving showupbutbroken.
mopar crazy Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Whatever WWIU replied goes for me too so I wont repeat. Let me just tell you this though, you need to keep NC until he can figure out what he wants. With you around you are just clouding his judgement. My H had an A 5 years ago w/ a co-worker. What started out as an EA turned physical shortly after he moved out of the house. My H wanted a D, I told him to move out, then I heard he was having an A. I kicked him out, and waited until my kids got out of school for the summer and moved 100 miles back to my hometown where my family was. I wont get into all of it but we were heading for a D. We both had lawyers, had been to court for CS, A, and visitations. The M was done. We were both going on w/ our lives. He was going on w/ his life w/ the OW, I was going on w/ mine. About a month and half after I left town he called and admitted to the A. When asked he was finally being honest about the A he said "B/c if I want to work on the M and if we are going to try I need to start being honest w/ you." At first I was NOT going to take his cheating ass back but after six months of being separated, going to counseling, we decided to R the M. My point being is that even if he files for a D doesn't mean he wont go back to his W. I guess this is the situation where you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
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