Trialbyfire Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 If you're living in a jurisdiction that acknowledges common-law marriages, living together won't save you from loss of material assets.
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 If you're living in a jurisdiction that acknowledges common-law marriages, living together won't save you from loss of material assets. Huh? The exact opposite is true.
Trialbyfire Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Huh? The exact opposite is true. Huh? What are you talking about?
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Huh? What are you talking about? I misread it. I thought you said "marital assets."
mr_han Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 i dont believe in that "study" and I dont see problem with cohabitation. cohabitation is like marriage without papers. relationship works because two people can understand each other whether in marriage or cohabitation. Its good that you did not get married because of intricacies of divorce procedures. But I always believe there is something in us that say that "its time to get married". But shes not the right girl yet. you are lucky not to marry the wrong girl.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I have read the same statistics, but I read that divorce was more likely to happen only if the couple that goes into cohabitation wasn't doing it with the intent to get married. They were either pressured by their partner to eventually do it, or by those around them, so they went ahead and did it. But if you go into a cohabitation situation planning to eventually get married and are "trying each other on for size," no...I do not think it would have any effect on the end result. The fact that STBXH and I lived together before getting married doesn't have a dang thing to do with why we are now splitting. I definitely think it is wise to figure out if your living styles mesh before getting married.
lovestruck818 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I have read the same statistics, but I read that divorce was more likely to happen only if the couple that goes into cohabitation wasn't doing it with the intent to get married. They were either pressured by their partner to eventually do it, or by those around them, so they went ahead and did it. But if you go into a cohabitation situation planning to eventually get married and are "trying each other on for size," no...I do not think it would have any effect on the end result. The fact that STBXH and I lived together before getting married doesn't have a dang thing to do with why we are now splitting. I definitely think it is wise to figure out if your living styles mesh before getting married. But if you love someone, you love someone and should marry them b/c such...not b/c u can live with them or can't. Plus I feel it can hinder the incentive to get married. If have to "try someone on for size" then you shouldn't be marrying them. Love is 100% or not at all.
CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 'trial marriage' just justify 'you can walk whenever you want', and mold people into that habbit, and take the easy way out, which is already very popular these days. It hints people that "you are controlled by flaky emotions, not your own decisions and dedications" couples who have happy marriage are couples who overcomed their own selfishness and self centreness, sometimes even sacrifice. but cohabitation is like to nuture the opposite, if you are not suit me one day, I am going to walk, even the other heavily invest themselves in the relationship. it is kinda cruel Agreed. The "Try before you buy" syndrome is the problem. "Hey I can walk out of this anytime I want...." When you live together before marriage you get a taste of what marriage might be like. Many people just aren't ready for it or realize how much work it is and walk away. Marriage is not for the squirmish at heart or for those used to getting things their way and easily all the time. It's a partnership and while it is work to some degree, it doesn't have to be all the time. Once again: Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. Cheers.
Author BiAxident Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 But if you love someone, you love someone and should marry them b/c such...not b/c u can live with them or can't. Plus I feel it can hinder the incentive to get married. If have to "try someone on for size" then you shouldn't be marrying them. Love is 100% or not at all. Love isn't enough in itself to sustain a relationship, there are pragmatic issues involved. By moving in with my XGF, she was able to discern things about me that she didn't really care for. Things that she hadn't been exposed to when we lived separately. And thus, she fell out of love. Cohabitation served its purpose.
Walk Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 True BiAxident. I was talking to my next door neighbors the other day, and the woman was saying she hadn't realized how much money her live in bf spends on things until she moved in with him. She'd dated him for over a year before they moved in together. There are a lot of aspects I enjoy being able to learn about a partner prior to making a life long vow to them. For one... I never knew the tub could be used as a toilet. I don't think its the cohabitation that creates the divorces. I think its the generational mindset of the people entering into the marriages. We're a "Me" society. An instant gratification, quick-fix, type of mentality. We want our food fast, our phone calls instant, and our T3 zooming. We don't want to patiently work through problems, or waste time attempting to see someone elses side. We want it now... or we're upgrading. Who cares if it comes with a 2 year contract, we'll cancel in 2 months for the upgraded video phone, ultra zoom camera plus built in mp3 player from another provider. Look at society and how its trended. In the past 40 years, generations have become more willing to job hop, we grew up with the computers and internet, we adapt quickly and we expect and embrace change. We've been raised in a disposable society, where everything we purchase is built to be tossed aside when we grow bored of it. So I doubt the divorce rate of pre-marriage cohabitants is entirely dependent upon that single factor. I think it negates who we are as a society and how we've been raised to think, act and live. Just a personal opinion though.
TechDude Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 cohabitation is like marriage without papers. Agreed ... it is like marriage ... but it ISN'T marriage. To me, the whole question of cohabitation stems from modern society's relaxed (compared with history) attitude towards sex before/outside of marriage. For most people, the whole question of sex before marriage isn't just that is it "OK", it is pretty much expected. These days, it seems that you are weird if you keep yourself for that one lifetime partner. So, all that said, the whole question of cohabitation pretty much becomes moot. If sex before/outside of marriage is OK with you, then why wouldn't you cohabitate. If you would rather save yourself until after marriage then cohabitation sounds like a dangerous exercise with inevitable consequences. relationship works because two people can understand each other whether in marriage or cohabitation. Don't kid yourself. Everybody is different. It is inevitable that problems will arise. I believe that working through these problems is part of what makes a marriage stronger. Problem is that today, so many people seem to expect something to come easily and aren't prepared to put in the effort. Its good that you did not get married because of intricacies of divorce procedures. On the other hand, the intricacies of the divorce procedures might have been enough incentive to convince them to seek help, try harder/again and ultimately achieve a stronger relationship than they had before. Sure, I'm just speculating, but it is worth thinking about. But I always believe there is something in us that say that "its time to get married". Sure, I can work with that ... but one does not need to cohabitate to figure out what that time is. But shes not the right girl yet. you are lucky not to marry the wrong girl.I think if people took more time to get to know each before cohabitation and/or marriage, we would be less likely marry the "wrong" person. I also don't subscribe to the notion that there is "just one" or very few "right" people out there to marry. I think common values, beliefs and goals are far more important than a lot of the incompatibilities commonly talked about ... and these common values can be discovered at the friendship and courting stage without needing to live together. If you share these common things and have a similar expectations of your lives, then what are you going to learn by living together that will make any difference. The things you do learn are more likely to be minor things that you work through. I dare say the OP is wondering if he had married first, would be outcome have been different. Maybe it would have. In the end, I don't have any magical answer. I have marriage problems of my own ... that we are working through. How valid is the study that suggests cohabitation increases the likelihood of divorce? I don't know. I do know that marriage problems, relationship problems, divorce etc are getting worse, so I can't see that our "enlightened" approach to life (frequently including cohabitation) is doing us any favours.
lovestruck818 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Love isn't enough in itself to sustain a relationship, there are pragmatic issues involved. By moving in with my XGF, she was able to discern things about me that she didn't really care for. Things that she hadn't been exposed to when we lived separately. And thus, she fell out of love. Cohabitation served its purpose. You're not going to love everything about a person though. On the whole if you love that person, you learn to ignore the little quirks you don't.
mr_han Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 You're not going to love everything about a person though. On the whole if you love that person, you learn to ignore the little quirks you don't. you are right. angree. this may sound trite but you love in its wholeness. that kind of love is not the fleeting type but is characterized by commitment.
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