How do YOU react to NC?

[kizik]

Thank you, sid. Wise words.

 

MFing post 100! Someone throw me a party!

[LikeCharlotte]

Actually, LC, I haven't expressed to her my philosophy about NC.

 

A couple of details and then a question:

 

When she and I spoke two days after breaking up,she said, "I've been thinking, and I think we should see how things go this summer instead of breaking up permanently." Being the spineless wuss I am, I said, GREAT!

I would've been spineless too. There was a time when I wouldv'e done anything. There is shame in loving someone.

 

Cut to a week later.

 

Me: "So I was just wondering, do you still think that's a good idea about seeing where things go?"

 

Her: "No. Please stop asking me, it breaks my heart to have to say no. I know we aren't right for each other."

 

Me: "OK, I'll never ask you again."

 

Summary is that SHE made the situation as if I was being a beggar. In reality, I was following up on something SHE suggested.

Mine did something similar with his request to see a therapist. Selective memory works well for some people.

 

Still with me?

 

Cut to now. I haven't called her since that conversation. She's called me a week ago. Chit-chat. I kept it casual. Told her I'd call her sometime.

 

 

 

But I've NOT told her that I'm not calling her because contact prevents healing.

 

OK now for my question:

 

Should I contact her TO tell her this, so she doesn't think I'm being an immature azzhole? Or is it best to leave it alone? I mean, wouldn't she KNOW I was hurt, based upon those previous conversations and her leading me on like that in regards to getting back together?

 

Thanks for reading. Hope it makes sense.

I am a big fan of honesty. It would go miles with me if my ex just told me what was going on with him instead of expecting me to be psychic. I think simply telling her that you are healing and its not personal is fine. Nothing would make me happier than to know I wasn't simply abandoned but that he is (was?) healing not ignoring what happened between us. It scares me to think that he "doesn't know" how he feels and that he refuses to "explore" it. That is not how I want to remember him. Be honest with her and continue on your path. I know that I don't need to know why but his lack of compassion for my healing has shown me a great deal about who he really is. I am much more hurt by not knowing than I was by him wanting it to be over. I was always willing to do whatever I needed to to help him including accepting that he was unwilling to explore his feelings. Leave her with the memory of a good and considerate man that wants to continue to grow. I think that is who you are.

[LikeCharlotte]

No you shouldn't have to tell her why, what or whatever. Let her wonder. She is going to come to her own conclusions regardless of what you say. I had to ask my ex to stop texting, it was keeping me from moving on. I would have rather not had her initiate contact, because it set me back at square one. I'd say do what you feel is best for your situation, but remember how she recently flaked on the possibility of seeing how it goes during the summer, and made it seem like you were the beggar. Exactly what an ex loves to believe.

Letting her wonder seems like a game. Just tell her that you are going NC. Don't play games.

[kizik]

LC,

 

I completely respect your opinions & feedback, but please understand that this was a mutual breakup and neither of us owes the other anything. I told her I'd call her, but it's too hard. I'm angry at her for abandoning me, and I'm sure she's angry at me too (for god knows what).

 

I really don't think me emailing her, "So, just so you know, I'm not calling you b/c I want to heal" is going to help anything. It's going to make her feel sh*tty, and then I'm going to wait around for a reply, which will hurt me no matter WHAT she says.

 

I understand your point, but it's not like I dumped her or she dumped me. I owe her no explanation, and since she was the one who moved 200 miles on me and then got f*cking pissed at ME, if anyone owes anyone else ANYthing:

 

it's her.

[LikeCharlotte]

LC,

 

I completely respect your opinions & feedback, but please understand that this was a mutual breakup and neither of us owes the other anything. I told her I'd call her, but it's too hard. I'm angry at her for abandoning me, and I'm sure she's angry at me too (for god knows what).

 

I really don't think me emailing her, "So, just so you know, I'm not calling you b/c I want to heal" is going to help anything. It's going to make her feel sh*tty, and then I'm going to wait around for a reply, which will hurt me no matter WHAT she says.

 

I understand your point, but it's not like I dumped her or she dumped me. I owe her no explanation, and since she was the one who moved 200 miles on me and then got f*cking pissed at ME, if anyone owes anyone else ANYthing:

 

it's her.

I have one question. Are you sure she won't contact you if you don't tell her? ((kizik)) I'm sorry you are hurting. You will find someone new that is capable of considering your feelings someday.

[sid33]

No I strongly disagree with you LC. It is not a game, it is a fact of life. When someone decides they no longer want to include you in their life, there is no reason to keep them up to date on your feelings or anything else about yourself. They have made that choice. To play games would be to do n/c to get someone back. I am actually surprised by the thought that a dumper is expected to assist you with your healing. Umm? If someone breaks up with you, the last thing you should expect is emotional support after they have broken your heart. The only person who deserves honesty is ourselves. We need to be honest that it is over, they didn't want us in their lives, so when they inconsistently make contact for their own needs, we owe them nothing. It's the farthest thing from a game. It is protecting our emotions so they don't get f*ed with again. I respect your opinion, but I think the advice sucks. Imho

[kizik]

I have one question. Are you sure she won't contact you if you don't tell her? ((kizik)) I'm sorry you are hurting. You will find someone new that is capable of considering your feelings someday.

 

That's a good question. The thing is, as weird as it may sound, I don't mind if she contacts me. I'll answer that phone.

 

But she better not expect me to start f*cking crying to her. I depended on her so much, it was pathetic. Time to start being my own person.

 

Sid, you make a good point, but I want to reiterate: I didn't get dumped. I got MOVED on ten months ago, which may as well have been dumped. I did everything in my g*ddamn power to make the R work. She picked on me and pushed me away, essentially. She may as well have dumped me, but technically it didn't go down that way.

[LikeCharlotte]

No I strongly disagree with you LC. It is not a game, it is a fact of life. When someone decides they no longer want to include you in their life, there is no reason to keep them up to date on your feelings or anything else about yourself. They have made that choice. To play games would be to do n/c to get someone back. I am actually surprised by the thought that a dumper is expected to assist you with your healing. Umm? If someone breaks up with you, the last thing you should expect is emotional support after they have broken your heart. The only person who deserves honesty is ourselves. We need to be honest that it is over, they didn't want us in their lives, so when they inconsistently make contact for their own needs, we owe them nothing. It's the farthest thing from a game. It is protecting our emotions so they don't get f*ed with again. I respect your opinion, but I think the advice sucks. Imho

You don't need to agree with me but I need to make it clear that I never expected emotional support after the break up. I expected honesty, plain and simple. Again, I haven't told every little detail of my break up but its not hard to just tell your ex. "Please, don't contact me." and give or don't give a reason... whatever is appropriate. It has never been a matter of anyone owing me anything but common human courtesy. I am not someone who needs to bull****. I've said it before, everyone is different. I am a woman that just likes to give and hear the truth. I can't really respect anything less. If I decide to do NC, I simply say it. When I said it was a game it was because of the "let her wonder" statement. It just came off that way. I didn't mean to criticize.

[kizik]

If I decide to do NC, I simply say it.

 

I think my issue is that saying it is, by its nature, Contact. And honestly, I'm afraid to tell my ex I want NC, b/c I might never hear from her again!

 

Furthermore, as I've said, if she wants to call me, she can. There is a huuuge difference is answering her call, and calling her.

 

Her ex ex bugged her so much she had to change her number. And while I still love her, I respect her enough (why do I after all she put me thru?) to give her lots and lots of space. PLUS I don't wanna let her see me suffer.

 

Let her wonder, indeed. To me, that's not a game, it's a self-defense tactic. And honestly, she will respect me more if I leave her alone.

 

The last thing I could handle right now is her tiredly answering the phone, "Hello..."

[roghornio]

The last girl I finished with who I did the dumping, the moment it was over I never spoke with her again, she sent me the odd text on weekends asking if I was still up, or if I was out etc, but I never replied… it wasn’t until about 6 months later I spoke with her again – and we still speak now and again. But nothing is going to change.

[carrie3107]

I think maybe nc might be for the best. Just spent 3 months (after break up with my ex). The first month i was texting him cause he owed me money. (He didnt contact me). Then he started answering my texts.

 

Then we both started texting each other, and meeting up etc... No contact till the next week then we would contact again meet up discuss relationship etc...

 

The crunch game last week when we were texting each other again, and i ended up at his house, you dont need to guess what happened, and i thought we were getting back together.

 

So after a couple of texts which ended up with a text from him saying busyday speak to you soon. I asked the question im puzzled "speak to you soon"

 

I sent him another one later on that night saying "you cant keep on coming in and out of my life when it suits you, its all or nothing, I deserve better"

 

So ive deleted all possible contact with him and going to go cold turkey, but for the first time in ages i dont feel stressed, confussed and a little bit stronger!

[borelandkaren]

I had the same kind of thing go on Carrie. I broke up with mine about 3 months ago now and about 4 weeks ago I received another bill for $1600 from our (my) business and got ****ty because I knew I was going to be left to pay it, so I sent him a text telling him that Karma would get him! The texts went back and forth for a couple of hours and eventually it got down to us still having feelings for one another but I cut him off with my last message because we are now living in different states and it is pointless to argue because neither one of us will budge (I because he's a pervert and he because he's a control freak) so he told me to stop texting. I have not sent him another message since. NC is the only way and although it hurts like hell, I'm starting to see the light.

[justaman99]

NC to me is very difficult, at least it used to be. I would always ask why she isn't calling me, did she ever care blah blah blah but then I, with an open mind, looked back on what happened. I know I treated her very well, I know I am a good person, I would listen to her, I know what I bring to the table, I know my faults as well and openly admit to the mistakes I made. It makes me think a lot when she's not calling me or contacting me. It's a good thing. I don't need to worry about if she's boning some other guy or if she's happy. In my heart I hope she is happy and if that means with someone else so be it. I know I'll find someone that will fit me well and respect me more than she did. I refuse to be hung up on someone that let me go and allowing them to consume my mind and life today isn't going to happen. This is the strength in me that I never had before and because of this experience I have a whole new found respect for myself. I thank her for giving me that. It will make my life that much better and my next relationship that much more successful. Plain and simple.

[carrie3107]

Stupid question do i start the nc from the last time we texted each other???

 

Does that mean that i to re-go through the initial part of a break up???? ie is he gonna call etc....

[kizik]

I don't think counting really matters. As helpful as NC can be, don't beat yourself up about counting, breaking it, etc. We are all human and many of us still love our exes.

[neverendingsaga]

i havent had NC done to me. i am currently in NC and i think its about taking back control. i could tell that the person i was with didnt truley love me by the way he was treating me. he was selfish, and it was all about HIM HIM HIM, always his terms. i would give him an inch & he would take a mile. NC is the only way to focus on myself & get over my pain & move on.

 

i know he feels 'blown off', 'discarded', 'forgotten', etc., he has told me all of these things- prolly to make me feel guilty & break NC. but really i think he just feels a loss of control. to me some relationship have an imbalance of control & NC allows you to take back the power over your own life & have the clarity and perspective to make your own decisions again, instead of just thinking about your partner/ the relationship.

 

and honestly i think that if you really love someone you will respect there wish for nc. there is some reason they are asking for it. you just have to accept that they need there time & space away from you. to disregard it & try to contact them is disrespectful. just concentrate on yourself like theyre concentrating on themselves. if you cant, maybe it was a codependent relationship, or maybe you still want to have control over them or it drives you crazy that they can possibly focus on themselves instead of thinking about you all the time. usually there is a good reason for nc & i think it should make you take a look at your own behaviors or why you think the person you love needs space, and respect them for that out of unselfish love. and i say this stuff not to be harsh but from experience.

 

this is all just my opinion though, NC is the best thing i ever did & if he doesnt understand or respect my decision to do that (which clearly he doesnt b/c he always tries to break it) then that just reinforces my realisation that he is NOT the right person for me. i want a person who thinks about whats best for me, not himself.

[serendip]

I'm doing NC b/c I know it would only make me feel worse having contact with the ex. Every time I contact or respond to the ex...it's makes me feel good for a moment (like a quick drug fix)...but I feel bad for days afterwards...especially if she didn't respond to my contact.

 

All I know is I need to completely heal from the sting of infidelity (on her part). I'm not sure I will ever heal completely from the hurt of being cheated on by someone who I truly loved. But I know if I don't do NC I won't heal for sure.

 

The 2 months of NC has helped me a lot. 3 weeks ago my ex text me to ask how I was and said she was thinking of me. I never responded b/c I know I would feel bad afterwards...even with a simple 'I'm doing well' response.

 

Couple of days ago I sent her a newspaper article about the dangerous chemicals in Nalgene water bottles (she uses one). I sent it directly from the newspaper website using an bogus email. I didn't want her to know I still care about her well being...thus the bogus email. She most likely will think it's me but won't know for sure. But now I feel bad ...like having a hangover . I should have stuck to NC.

[JackhammerGemma]

Being ignored just sucks. It makes you feel like you just wasted x number of months or years on something that seems to mean nothing now to that person who is not contacting you. It just hurts. My friends are trying to take my phone from me, begging me not to call or text him, but I just can't seem to do it.

[Exl]

I don't know how it makes my ex feel. I don't think I care, either. This woman doesn't love me, and made it clear in her actions.

 

Think about it this way: what could be gained by talking to her? Sure, it was a mutual breakup. But why talk unless we're trying to get back together? The fact is that we're NOT getting back together.

 

Are we supposed to make small talk? Act like friends? NC makes the most sense. She called me a week ago, I said I'd call her sometime, and I haven't and don't plan on it.

 

Why the f*ck would I call her unless I wanted to cause myself pain? This thread is making me feel like I'm some a*shole for not calling her, when in reality, she's a b*tch for leaving me in the dust and then acting surprised when I voice my feelings.

 

Once again, we're so similar

[mateo311]

Im doing NC as well right now, and I have to admit it is hard as hell. My Gf broke up with 3 months ago and wanted to be friends. At first I thought that I would be ok with it and the first week we still talked daily, but the a few weeks later I found out she was starting dating one of her co-workers and I was really hurt because the guy was a co-worker of hers while we were dating and I was uncomfortable with it cause he seem to text her a lot towards the end and I felt like an azz because when we first started dating she didn't have any friends and became super clingy so i encouraged her to hang out with people she worked with and I was always invited at first and then never.

 

So anyway she would call/text and want to meet for lunches and when I told her that I needed time to move on because I still had feelings for her and I wanted NC she got upset. She would wait about a month and then text asking if I was ready to talk and i would say no, but she would call and like a dumbazz I would answer and she would say that she didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to her and it hurts that i wouldn't talk to her and that she still wanted to do stuff like go to the beach, ballgames, the local theme park, etc (as long as it didn't look like a date, what the hell). Hell she said that she still wanted to go to my brothers wedding as my date and she would ask me what ive been doing and if ive gone on any dates or kissed anyone.

 

now for the dumb question. I know that NC is supposed to help me move on but I still think about her everyday and I even think about her and her new bf doing the fun stuff we used to do (which is wrong I know), but is her still wanting to have contact with me and go do this stuff mean that she still has feelings for me, or is it just her just wanting to be friends, because we were best friends before we dated, or is she playing games and trying to keep me in her back pocket? i want to ask her if there is anything we can do to get back together, but I also told her that since she was the one who broke up she would have to be the one to bring it up.

 

Sry for the long reply, but I am still so confused, heartbroken and depressed and the fact that she is dating this new guy for a few months tells me that she moved on, but I can't let go of this false hope that maybe she still has feelings and by doing NC will ruin any chance of a 2nd chance. I thought she was my soul mate.

[JustPassingThru]

whoa Mate...

 

If she has moved on, you need to do the same.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like she is trying to hold on to you for some sense of security.

 

In all honsety, do you want to be with her after she chose someone else?

 

The answer is NO!!!!

 

Sever the ties my friend.

[sedgwick]

He is no longer speaking to me and the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not a musician. I feel like hell. I dream of him every night. The NC is devastating. The worst part is knowing he doesn't care one bit and doesn't even think about me anymore, simply because I don't have the exact same career as he does. It has made me feel like everything I do is totally worthless. I'm trying to find my way out of it, but his NC has devastated me. Luckily I'm doing a good job of not contacting him either -- primarily because I know he doesn't have the time or desire to talk to anyone who's not a musician. I know he's really busy and I don't want to waste any more of his time, so I'm keeping it up. But yeah, it's hard knowing that his NC is coming from the fact that he probably doesn't even remember me.

[9Lives]

NC does suck but sometimes you have to let go to get better. It is not that you dont want to talk to the other person however if you are having a hard time letting go then NC will help you make that move. It is hard as hell and I cry all the time but I cant take it anymore. He is probably tired of the problems we were having so he is not trying to contact me either. I just have to accept that we are not going to be together and that is tough cause I love him so much. So NC is a good way to do your crying, change your perspective and find yourself when someone you love is gone away. It is a bitch though.

 

Plus when a ex wants you to continue to hang around, it is set up for pain if you are not ready to deal with what freedom will bring them.

[claycald]

i went NC with my ex 2 and a half or 3 months after we broke up. she broke up with me after being together for 2 years. our friends were getting involved asking her questions about us and she would get mad and say some ****ed up **** then they relayed it back to me and i got upset and text her some really harsh ****. i know it killed her when she got it but she didnt respond... probably because she doesnt have text messaging and her parents woulda gotten pissed but we are speaking again after 8 months. nothing will be the same but im hoping she realizes i have changed since back then and reconsiders it all. it does seem that way.

[celinedion1]

My ex bf and i broke up recently. The break up wasn't the greatest so we both stoped contacting each other. Then last night he sent me a text message and I responded. We then decided to be friends since I don't think that we really wanted to be out of each others lives completely. I think that we both got to the point that we realized that we would be better off as friends than in a relationship. Keep in mind not everything works out this well, sometimes it's possable to be friends and sometimes it isn't. I guess it just depends o nthe people involved and their situation. I hope that everything works out for you and good luck.