trubella Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 My bf and I were out yesterday and he out of the blue asked me how many sexual partners ive had(we've been together for 6months now) it caught me a little offguard and i'll admit that i gave him a fake answer. (yes i know that was wrong) ...which he didnt buy, i usually give the fake answer for many reasons. one i am ashamed of my past, i was very promiscuous partially as a result of being molested by a family member when i was younger(he knows about that) im scared if i tell him the real answer he will judge me, i dont want him to see me in a different way. he tells me about his past and i dont hold it against him, but i have a feeling he will towards me. thats apart of my life id like to leave behind, ive been tested and thank god i am std free thats all he really needs to know, why does he need to know how many? i dont care how many he has had-all i wanted to know is if he had been tested, so shouldnt that be the end of it? can i ever escape my past.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I just posted about my feelings about past sexual history in another thread. Past sexual history is just that: in the PAST. I'm not sure how old you are, but there comes a point when the numbers question just should not be asked. I've slept with a lot of people. I'm also 35 and I haven't had a serious, committed relationship for quite some time. So should I be celibate to appease some future lover? Methinks not. I think this question, unfortunately, is a form of judgement. Who knows what they find acceptible or not? How are you supposed to answer that question? And once you do, how do you deal with their feelings about it? It's really none of their business as long as you don't have some kind of STD. He put you on the spot, and it really isn't fair. You felt you had to lie because you didn't want to feel judgement from him and now you are uncomfortable with the lie. I guess you should just leave it where it is and don't feel compelled to "fess up" because you have nothing to apologize for. What are you going to say, anyway? I'm sorry that I had sexual feelings and opportunities before I met you, and I acted on them? Why should you be apologizing for fulfilling human needs?
Replicant Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 im scared if i tell him the real answer he will judge me, i dont want him to see me in a different way. Of course he'll judge your character, if he were hypothetically to come out with the number 2 and you follow up with 22 there would be some shock factor sure (which you can anticipate based on the way he's asking/disbelief). But that's because his ego will take a hit based on insecurities surrounding the whole question. If you've got your promiscuity under control, that is to your benefit. Applied to this situation he should understand whatever happened in the past should stay there and not let it become a controlling factor of this relationship unless given a reason to which exists in the present.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 one i am ashamed of my past, i was very promiscuous partially as a result of being molested by a family member when i was younger(he knows about that) By the way, this is very common behavior for abuse survivors. Sort of like taking control of yourself since you were so out of control as a young person. I hope you have had some type of therapy to deal with this. These things tend to pop up in all sorts of bad ways if not integrated into your adult personality. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do not let current bf's continue the abuse with unfair judgments on your character.
dogtown Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I sympathize with your situation, trubella. That's horrible what happened. That being said, the past will always come up in any relationship. I generally like to know if my partner has had a very promiscuous past. It is usually an indication of some larger issues that you're going to have to deal with in the relaitonship. If he can't handle it, then he is probably not the one for you.
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