Author nextel Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 I should mention though in my case NC was to get my sanity back! I just could not continue having this man in my life with his indecision, it was too stressful and I was completely falling apart over him both emotionally and physically. Had never given so much for so much pain in return. When my face started to spot up in little red rash-like spots all over, having had flawless skin even during my teen years and I had constant headaches I knew it was too much. So all or nothing it was. NC was for me. I think that, that was the best way to eliminate any negativity. I have done this for years (NC with people that were a negative force), but it was not until I started reading stories on here that made me realize that, it is the best way to maintain who you are.
Author nextel Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Right.. I know I don't.. Wow Nextel... you're getting too deep into the brain cells and molecules.. I have my thinking cap on this afternoon
BiAxident Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 When these chemicals start to taper off, reality begins to set in, realizing that his carefree period can't last forever and the next natural step is commitment, most men pull away and become distant. Women don't pull away, and that is the difference. I experienced a scenario somewhat similar to this. My ex-gf invited me to live with her after we had been dating for 4 months, which to me was way to soon. Eventually, I agreed to take our relationship to that next step. However, rather than becoming angry, I became fearful. Moving in with her meant moving away from my hometown. Although it was only about 40 miles, it still meant I wouldn't be seeing friends or family on the weekdays. I felt that I would be isolated and lonely, and as a result began to act in way which she interpreted as "pulling away".
fmlyhm Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 For me, I'm doing it to move on. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but he started it. He would get jealous of everyone I talk to and then start fighting with me. I have been in NC for 8 months. It has given me enough time to figure alot out, but it has been hard and I have alot of anger. I don't think parts of me will ever recover.
frannie Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 1. For those of you that have instituted NC, what was the purpose? Was it to move on or to try and make MM realize that he cannot live without? 2. Are you commencing NC when you realized that MM had some "triggers" that pulled him away from you? By this I mean, we all know that men have a chemical imbalance that makes then become angry when they like a woman alot, causing them to pull away from her. They also tend to become angry when they feel vulnerable and they pull away. Something triggers those emotions. If you have experienced this, what did you do? Of course, NC can be used for this situation too, to make him come to terms with what he is feeling. What is the purpose of your NC? and have you ever experienced the 2nd situations? The purpose of NC for me (this time) was because I wasn't prepared to wait any longer for him to 'decide' what to do. I had decided that I was no longer ok with seeing him while he was still married. For me, after four years, if he was going to leave, he would have done it already! So, it made more sense to get out. However yes, part of the point of NC for me is that while I thought there was next to no chance of him leaving while I was still seeing him and supporting him, then there was some chance at least that in realising he'd lost me, he might actually get around to leaving his marriage. However, the main point was to get out of the affair. Once I realised that I'd rather be without him than be in an affair, NC made perfect sense, and became sustainable. Last time I went NC with him, it was because WE thought it was the best way to 'get him to leave'. And I couldn't stick to it. I think if you go into NC thinking: this will get him to leave, then you're onto a loser, because you're looking back over your shoulder waiting... waiting... and that's HARD. As for (2), hm. I have definitely noticed that men have in the past sometimes been lagging behind where I think I am in the commitment stages! Never really noticed any 'going into the cave' or withdrawing from them, but I'm not really particularly pushy to get commitment, maybe? I'm prepared to give things time (TOO prepared!), so maybe that's why...? Also, I'm fairly scared of commitment myself in many ways, so I probably don't notice it in others..?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 1. For those of you that have instituted NC, what was the purpose? Was it to move on or to try and make MM realize that he cannot live without? 2. Are you commencing NC when you realized that MM had some "triggers" that pulled him away from you? By this I mean, we all know that men have a chemical imbalance that makes then become angry when they like a woman alot, causing them to pull away from her. They also tend to become angry when they feel vulnerable and they pull away. Something triggers those emotions. If you have experienced this, what did you do? Of course, NC can be used for this situation too, to make him come to terms with what he is feeling. What is the purpose of your NC? and have you ever experienced the 2nd situations? The purpose of my NC was to move on and heal...I was the one and only or I was nothing to him... The first time he gave me a timeframe...I cut that short and the 2nd time he finally started the process of leaving... The second time he knew he'd lose me forever if he didn't act... And we're incredibly happy now... GEL
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 When we meet a person we are attracted to, our brains release a chemical called Phenylethylamine which is also called the "love molecule". Same as you get in chocolate :love: When these chemicals start to taper off, reality begins to set in, realizing that his carefree period can't last forever and the next natural step is commitment, most men pull away and become distant. Women don't pull away, and that is the difference. Curses, so I'm bust as a man AGAIN! Damn! Hope I don't have to give up multiple orgasms now?
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Men do not get close after intimacy they tend to pull away where as women do the opposite. Eventually the gap closes if the relationship is mean to be but in the early stages this is destinctively different for men than for women. TC I so call BS on that!!! According to your description, every guy I've ever bonked is a woman, and I'm a man. Actually, SOME (and I can't guess proportionality, but if I were to work strictly on the bases of my own experience I'd have to say almost all) men crave closeness and bonding after sexual intimacy. SOME (and I'm one, as are several of my closer women friends) women do not want to kiss and cuddle, they want to get up and make tea, take a shower, walk in the garden - anything to avoid the suffocation of bonding. Yes, as you say, with time you can overcome that aversion and put up with it, and later even enjoy it, but for SOME of us that is not something spontaneous or desirable at the outcome, it's something we've had to acquire over time. All men are NOT the same. All women are NOT the same. There is probably greater diversity within each sex than there is between them.
OpenBook Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 All men are NOT the same. All women are NOT the same. There is probably greater diversity within each sex than there is between them. I don't know about that. I'd argue that there's greater diversity in the fairer sex (witness YOU!!), but most men are pretty consistent, in my experience.
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I don't know about that. I'd argue that there's greater diversity in the fairer sex (witness YOU!!), but most men are pretty consistent, in my experience. I suppose "fair" can mean many things, but I'm not sure that all of them apply to women in general or me in particular! Your sample of men seem totally different to my sample of men. Perhaps we should trade some and see if we get similar results under different conditions?
OpenBook Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 I suppose "fair" can mean many things, but I'm not sure that all of them apply to women in general or me in particular! Your sample of men seem totally different to my sample of men. Perhaps we should trade some and see if we get similar results under different conditions? Oh how I would love to unleash you on some of the men I know!!
OWoman Posted May 28, 2008 Posted May 28, 2008 Oh how I would love to unleash you on some of the men I know!! You're saying I'm a dog? :p :p
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