I am a freak, you don't need to read this

[Nevermind]

I cannot connect to other people. As long as I do something good for them, helping with university or listening to their problems, I am allowed to be in their presence, but as soon as I don't have anything to offer or ask for help, or try to establish a friendship, I am kicked to the curb.

Not even my own family likes me, the last time I saw my aunt she pinched in the waist and called me fatso. A cousin, when she heard that I don't have a driver's licence, said she didn't know there were such people in the family and refused to talk to me after that. That's just two recent examples. The best I can be to people is invisible.

It is no wonder the ex never loved me and made fun of me to other people, or that he cheated. It was a joke, all along. And I should have known it, and that I didn't makes me even more a loser than I already was.

I am just a stupid, useless thing and I can't even commit suicide, because that's the only thing that's worse than me alive. My parents would blame themselves, they love me, but just because I am their daughter. They don't like me, I was a really difficult child.

 

And it's not that I am not trying, I am really. So hard. Whenever I go visit my parents, I bring some flowers, or some cake I made. Whenever there is a family reunion, I clean up, and make the tea, prepare some stuff, wash the dishes. It's not much, but the family is huge and I try not to be a burden. And with other people....I try to help, and I try to be nice and I introduce people, but I always end up the weird freak in the corner.

 

I really hate myself for believing that somebody could love me. It's just...I tried so hard, and I thought I was doing so much and...he even said that he never felt so loved...but it didn't change that the love came from me. And what comes from me is worth nothing in the end. At least, now I know that I will never be loved or liked by anybody. I cannot try harder.

 

If there is a god, he is laughing about me.

 

Sorry for posting this, I don't want responses. I know it's whiny, and stupid, and people are tired of reading it. I am abusing this forum, because I have to be strong and go to university and work and let anybody know what happened. And I am pretty good at it. But when I am alone, I need to let it out, so that I can close up again for the next day.

[kizik]

Oh man, NM, you need to work up some confidence.

 

I know you said you didn't want responses, but you're getting one from me anyway.

 

Have you tried addressing these issues with the people bringing them on? If someone called me fat or ugly, I'd say, "You know what? I have feelings, and that hurt. I don't deserve being talked to that way."

 

As far as your family, please be glad that you have one. I am estranged from my parents and brother, and as good as that might sound to you, trust me, it isn't. Like you said, your parents love you. And just b/c you were a difficult child, guess what? You're grown now. You are a different person.

 

Can you please get into some therapy? No one should have such self-hatred. There is a reason you were in an R in the first place; it's because, whether or not you can see it now, YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE.

 

Get away from those negative thoughts. Re-invent your self-image. Do you have close friends? They will build you up and show you a good time around town.

 

You f*cking rock, don't let some guy take that away from you.

[Kamille]

For all it's worth, I like you. I really like the advice you give other people and am quite tacken aback when I see you being so hard on yourself.

 

Have you done any therapy to challenge those feelings Nevermind? I'm guessing not, because the above post is a perfect example of circular thinking: you are currently spending your time convincing yourself that people don't like you.

 

Hell, yesterday my granfather basically told me the classic: you were so cute when you were young, it's too bad you had to grow up. I replied: they do say I look like you.

 

I hope you don't mind, but I'm wondering how old you are. I used to think nobody liked me. I used to take every comment to heart. I used to be able to prove to myself that everyone thought I was worhtless. I know what a painful state of mind it is to live in - but please recognize that you can change your perspective on yourself and your relationships.

 

It starts with you taking care of yourself and telling that voice that's telling ruining your self-confidence to go take a hike.

 

Perhaps, too, you could focus on the moments where people have shown you they do like you.

[marlena]

Nevermind,

 

There is not a person on this Earth who is not special. Surely, you are exaggerating your bad points and overlooking the good qualities that you have. Flowers to your parents? That sounds like a very nice girl to me. Helping friends with their problems? Hmmmm. That smacks of compassion. You don't want to commit suicide because of what it would do to your parents. Hmmmmmmmmmmm again. That spells sensitivity. Cleaning up? Well, only the considerate do something like that. So, you have been cheated on and ridiculed? That just indicates a jerk of a boyfriend. That is his problem not yours. You also, judging from your posts, sound intelligent.

 

So far:

 

nice

compassionate

sensitive

considerate

intelligent

 

I am sure I could add much,much more. Think about it. Make a list of all your good qualities and then make alist of things that you want to change or improve about yourself.

 

As for your aunt and uncle, they belong to the same category of people as your boyfriend.

 

I say stop being so nice to everyone. They don't deserve you. Become a little selfish. Pamper yourself. Realize your worth. Take pride in your accomplishments and the qualities I mentioned above. Rid yourself of all these toxic people and make better choices in friends and boyfriends. Don't forget we can't please everybody so stop trying. Instead, focus on pleasing yourself and the people who really merit your attention.

 

Marlena

[Nevermind]

I am 25, and unfortunately the common ground on all the bad things. So, you get what you deserve.

 

It's kind of you to answer. Thank you.

 

Late edit: It must seem as if I don't care for your answers, but it doesn't really sink in. I have been the freak for too long, there is not much hope left that I could be different.

 

I came a long way though. In school, I thought I looked so hideous that people were feeling sick just by looking at me. Which is what I was told. I know it's not true, nobody looks that bad. It took me about a year after school till I bought my first mirror. (There was a bathroom mirror, which I used to make sure I was clean and there was nothing on my teeth etc.)

 

I just don't think that I can expect more than to function.

[Nevermind]

This is what happens when I open up to people:

 

Me, in the city yesterday, walking. Suddenly I see a familiar face, a girl I hadn't seen in years. We had been friends, but she had disappeared when she was kicked out of university. I had written her an e-mail asking if she was okay and wanted to meet sometime, but never got an answer.

 

So, I call her, she turns. We chat on the street, I invite her to have a coffee nearby.

 

We talk. She asks what my love life is doing. I told her that I had a messy break up and didn't really want to talk about it. To which she replies that she has a new boyfriend, all is great. Love is wonderful and that of course, love is only for good people and good people only come to good people. Then there is silence. She grins. And then she talks about other things and we drink our coffee and leave after another 30 minutes.

 

I should not have opened up, not even a bit.

[kizik]

she replies that she has a new boyfriend, all is great. Love is wonderful and that of course, love is only for good people and good people only come to good people.

 

What a b*tch!

[Kamille]

This is what happens when I open up to people:

 

Me, in the city yesterday, walking. Suddenly I see a familiar face, a girl I hadn't seen in years. We had been friends, but she had disappeared when she was kicked out of university. I had written her an e-mail asking if she was okay and wanted to meet sometime, but never got an answer.

 

So, I call her, she turns. We chat on the street, I invite her to have a coffee nearby.

 

We talk. She asks what my love life is doing. I told her that I had a messy break up and didn't really want to talk about it. To which she replies that she has a new boyfriend, all is great. Love is wonderful and that of course, love is only for good people and good people only come to good people. Then there is silence. She grins. And then she talks about other things and we drink our coffee and leave after another 30 minutes.

 

I should not have opened up, not even a bit.

 

What an odd thing to say.... Please entertain the possibility that she wasn't aiming that comment at you and was only talking about herself (which people frequently do).

 

It would have been entirely different if she had said "love happens to good people and comes to good people" which coulh have meant "don't worry, it will come to you, since you are a good person".

[Nevermind]

Both her face and the tone of her voice indicated that she meant me. I am willing to hope otherwise, but she was very smug and didn't say anything positive that was not connected to herself.

 

Oh, and I have a tumor in my breast. That's what the mammography said, and now I'll have to make a biopsy. And the only love I might ever have had is him.I am not even afraid of dieing, just sad for my parents. Who will care for them when they get old? It's so weird and it's all too much. I just want to dig a hole and hide for the next 20 years.

[Kamille]

Both her face and the tone of her voice indicated that she meant me. I am willing to hope otherwise, but she was very smug and didn't say anything positive that was not connected to herself.

 

Oh, and I have a tumor in my breast. That's what the mammography said, and now I'll have to make a biopsy. And the only love I might ever have had is him.I am not even afraid of dieing, just sad for my parents. Who will care for them when they get old? It's so weird and it's all too much. I just want to dig a hole and hide for the next 20 years.

 

(((Nevermind)))

 

You're really going through a rough time! Here's to courage and strenght!

 

 

 

Nevermind, I was wondering, how long have you been feeling like you cannot connect to other people? Have you always felt that way? What were times when you didn't feel like that?

[Nevermind]

I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like it. I mean, it's not a constant conscious thought, but it's more or less there all the time.

[Kamille]

Did anything happen in your childhood that might explain it?

 

I had difficulty making friends, for instance, but it was linked to the fact that my mom was incredibly anxious about my social skills (my birth was complicated, and up until I was 5, doctors were telling my mom I might have mental deficiencies).

 

Also, my sister would make me believe that no one liked me.

 

Anything like that in your childhood that explains your feelings about connecting to other people?

[Nevermind]

No, I mean I was a really difficult child. I can't remember that much. I was alone usually. Especially after the wall came down (East Germany), my parents simply never had time.

The earliest moment it became apparent that I was not good, was when I was three. My mother told me this later, I had fallen down the stairs and kept crying in a really loud and obnoxious way. My grandfather said that at that age my charactre was formed and that there was nothing that could be done about it. My mother always said that you can't change what you are, although from early on she would sometimes say that I am working on myself.

 

But anything that really happened...no...maybe I forgot it.

[Kamille]

No, I mean I was a really difficult child. I can't remember that much. I was alone usually. Especially after the wall came down (East Germany), my parents simply never had time.

The earliest moment it became apparent that I was not good, was when I was three. My mother told me this later, I had fallen down the stairs and kept crying in a really loud and obnoxious way. My grandfather said that at that age my charactre was formed and that there was nothing that could be done about it. My mother always said that you can't change what you are, although from early on she would sometimes say that I am working on myself.

 

But anything that really happened...no...maybe I forgot it.

 

At age three you are not responsible for how you learn to cope with situations - your parents are.

 

See, I grew up in a family that was still struggling with believing that one's character is immutable. But the dominant ideology in education as I was growing up is that children ARE children and it is the adult's responsibility to steer them in the right direction.

 

And really, what child, having fallen down stairs, won't cry?

 

So basically the message your family was communicating from age three is that your character was immutable but flawed. You might relate to people as someone who isn't deserving of their attention or interest as a result (but who therefore tends to look for validation from others). Do you ever think people are doing you a favor by hanging out with you? That you have to give them everything you can, so that there is a chance they might like you?

 

I don't remember if you've ever gone to see a therapist. I did some cognitive therapy to deal with a professional burn out, and it still is helping me detangle the criticizing, hating inner dialogue in my head. You should look into it. Really, you deserve to love who you are Nevermind.

 

I am not blaming your family. I just want to point out that you can and should feel good about yourself.

[Nevermind]

Do you ever think people are doing you a favor by hanging out with you? That you have to give them everything you can, so that there is a chance they might like you?

Of course I do.

 

I saw a therapist just yesterday, but it was different than I expected. He kept focusing on the emotional eating, even though I think it is clear that this is just a symptom. He asked me about my weight and height. Maybe he was wondering if I was to turn anorexic. He said, that my self-esteem was just normal, and that I shouldn't be that critical.

[Karyyk]

I know how you feel. Sometimes I don't feel that way. At the times that I don't, I think that I'm finally building some confidence, but it never lasts, and then I just wonder if I was lying to myself to make things hurt less. I think recently I'm starting to see that that's a lie too, a false rationalization. I hate to say this, but most people are so self-centered and so focussed on their own lives that they don't even realize what they're doing. That people aren't there for you when you need them, even for friendship, that's a reflection of them, not you. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, and it still does with certain individuals that meant a lot to me, but ultimately, you don't need people like that in your life anyways. Believe it or not, there are good people left in this world, considerate people, honest people. They're rare, but they exist.

 

You're no freak, but you are rare in that you're a truly caring individual in a culture where caring doesn't seem to be held to much esteem. I know how you feel about having to put on a brave face or mask...I do it every day when I go to work, to put on the facade that I have everything together, even though I feel like I'm breaking on the inside. It gets old, and I think it only adds to the feelings of alienation, but sometimes it's just something you have to do to survive. I hate doing it, but there's not much choice. I hope things get better for you Nevermind, and me too. I hope that every day. Hope is necessary.

[Kamille]

Of course I do.

 

I saw a therapist just yesterday, but it was different than I expected. He kept focusing on the emotional eating, even though I think it is clear that this is just a symptom. He asked me about my weight and height. Maybe he was wondering if I was to turn anorexic. He said, that my self-esteem was just normal, and that I shouldn't be that critical.

 

What kind of therapy does he do?

 

I agree with your assessment that emotional eating is a symptom. On my first meeting, my therapist explained to me the good and bad ways we seek serotonins (good: exercise, sex (for most), healty food) bad: (drugs and alcohol, over-eating, cutting). He was trying to assess if I had recourse to any of those.

 

But why do you think he might be worried that you have an eating disorder?

 

From what you've posted here about yourself, you do tend to be very critical about yourself and very generous about others. So I have to agree with your therapist that you shouldn't be so critical. Easier said then done though. And my therapist gave me tools to recognize when I was being overly critical - and tools to reorient my train of thought (I'm still learning, but it's been a year now and I am feeling the benefits more and more).

 

If you feel your therapist isn't addressing your needs, you could always ask him what his objectives are wih your case. He should be able to tell you why he is focusing on what he is focusing on.

[Nevermind]

Kamille:

He spend half the time in the session asking me questions about how I eat, when I eat, what I was going to eat today. He then asked about my BMI (19,4) and how my weight flactuates. And the round again.

I told him that I thought my lack in self-esteem was the main problem, or at least the thing I wanted to adress most. From a third person perspective, I would think the same about somebody else: if you do not like yourself, you are more dependent on what other people say about you and you have problems setting boundaries and being good to yourself.

However, he said, that it wasn't really a problem. Maybe he will get to it. Or it really isn't a big deal.

 

(It's behavioural therapy.)

 

Karyyk:

thank you for sharing. Have you found some people who care about you and give you strength in comfort, when you need it? You are right, there are lot's of good people in the world. And it takes some time to find them.

Unfortunately, they don't want to be with me, but I don't blame them.

I have hope for you, too. Hopefully, the mask will not be in place when you meet somebody who can relate to you and be a faithful friend. But I am sure, you will realize when you find somebody great.

[Karyyk]

Karyyk:

thank you for sharing. Have you found some people who care about you and give you strength in comfort, when you need it? You are right, there are lot's of good people in the world. And it takes some time to find them.

Unfortunately, they don't want to be with me, but I don't blame them.

I have hope for you, too. Hopefully, the mask will not be in place when you meet somebody who can relate to you and be a faithful friend. But I am sure, you will realize when you find somebody great.

 

There are a few actually. The thing is that I always feel like I'm always a bother and a burden to them. Even if it's not the case, I always assume that the people who like me now will at some point abandon me. Fear of abandonment is a huge issue for me...

 

I think you're probably doing some assuming too, because I'm sure that if they really knew you, there are people who'd want to be with you. Truly caring, giving people are hard to find, and there are people who appreciate that, who would appreciate you. I find that in my case, I kind of shoot myself in the foot a lot of times because I assume that people don't want to know me and because I have a natural distrust. It takes me a long time to really get to know a person enough to truly want to open up to them, for me to really consider them a friend. To take off the mask, it takes trust, and that takes getting to know someone at something more than surface level.

 

I know you'll probably discount it when I say that there are people out there who'd truly love to be your friend, because the fact is that I'd probably discount it if anyone were to tell me the same thing. I don't know you, but you seem like a nice person, easy to talk to, and I'm sure there are other positive qualities. Don't sell yourself short.

[Nevermind]

And baaamm!

 

I wrote to a guy that had been a good friend in my year abroad. We really got along great. He didn't reply to e-mails that I send him, but he had visits from his girlfriend and I never really thought much about it.

I just wrote a quick "hi", very lighthearted.

And I get back:

 

"What do you want? You never replied to my e-mails. I am having a bad time. I am not in for games. What do you want?" (It went on like this, but the same style.)

 

I didn't get an e-mail that I didn't reply to. I never played games with him. Not once. I even got him a room, when he was homeless. Not any of his friends, who were natives of the city, I did. I helped him move stuff! I helped him write a class paper and that meant staying awake at night, proof reading, formating...

 

I am sorry that he is feeling bad, but this is just wow..I never played games and I feel it's really unfair to say that. I never "wanted" anything from him, I never asked him for anything. I seriously never did.

 

I mean, it had been months since we talked. But I just send a light-hearted,

 

"hello, remember me? we shared a flat? come on, you remember me. it's been so long. how are you?"

 

I just wanted to talk to somebody about different things, just hearing how he did. Connecting to somebody. I did not want to bring up my last experiences and I did not want to use him in any way. Just hello.

 

And bamm.

 

Why am I even trying?

[Kamille]

Sounds to me like he had a crush on you?

 

Nevermind, you are so hard on yourself that I'm wondering if you don't have a long history of dismissing social clues of people who want to get closer to you. And then being surprised when they act hurt or act out on it (like your friend about love comes to good people) Do people ever tell you you are hard to approach, that you seem cold, that they thought you might be a snob until getting to know you? Do you have your walls up?

[Nevermind]

I definately misread cues, but I really to adress that and show people that I am not cold (or trying it). Nobody ever thought that I was arrogant/ a snob, to my knowledge.

 

I smile a lot, I have heard that I always seem friendly, whenever somebody has a problem I try to comfort them. I always ask how everybody is, I try to remember details I've been told and then I bring them up in the next conversation. Not freaky, but if someone says there are going to an interview after class, the next time I see them I'll ask how it went e.g.

 

I have my walls up, but only for negative things. I did cry in university once, but that was it. I don't have people I confide in, so I don't want to bring it up. Plus, there is a lot of back stabbing in my field. One girl was ridiculed behind her back, because she had lost her virginity at 23. Yes, she told that to someone who she thought was a friend, the next day everybody knew. So, opening up about hurtful things is not really adviseable.

 

The friend who wrote that e-mail couldn't possibly still hold this crush. He had a crush on me when me met inically, but we actually got along too well. There was this "we are too great together too actually spoil it with a relationship", and we became friends. And I mean, really friends. Or that's what it looked like to me. He had a girlfriend later, whom he really loved so much it was incredible. He actually once said that it was good how everything turned out, that he was happier than ever with her.

There was nothing between us, when we said goodbye.

 

Kamille, I am having a really bad feeling that you're spending so much time reading and responding. I am really greatful, you are amazing, but is not taking too much time and effort?

[Kamille]

Kamille, I am having a really bad feeling that you're spending so much time reading and responding. I am really greatful, you are amazing, but is not taking too much time and effort?

 

 

 

It isn't taking too much time and effort, else I wouldn't do it. A lot of what you write resonates with me - I recognize a side of my personality in your voice.

 

I hope you don't mind my participation on your threads - I feel like I have been perticularly involved in yours and that I might seem pushy or something. Believe me, discussing things with you and with so many people on LS serves me with my own trajectory.

[Nevermind]

You're not being pushy. I appriciate your advice and kind words.

 

You are such a warm and thoughtful person, I wish I could say that a part of me in you. Maybe one day. There is always hope.

[Loukos_od]

Learn to love yourself.Start from the easy part.Your body.It is not easy but it is the easiest part.It is the temple of your soul.That will make you feel much mopre confident.And guess what .U exited your last relationship with plenty of lessons.You became stronger and more experienced.So nth can ever be the same .We grow up evolving.Love your self and you will be able to se that others love you 2.