spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I've posted about my friend Sammy before. We were friends for about 6 months before hooking up right before I moved. In my earlier posts, I mentioned some reservations I had, and people told me to leave him alone as I was "settling" and would inevitably end up hurting him. However, though I did break up with him, we continued hanging out constantly, and I grew to like him more and more, realizing many of my initial qualms simply weren't true. The days before I left, and on the road, I was having panic attacks left and right cause I felt I was hitting new lows, but he was there for me, a phone call away, and I grew to respect his confidence, maturity, and common sense. Anyways, now I'm in Chicago, starting on yet another second chance, but he's still around. We fall asleep on the phone every night, have kind of an exclusivity agreement, and he wants to visit. He's been my rock of support in the last month or so, has been a great friend, I think he's a wonderful person, and I'm attracted to him... but is it such a good idea for him to visit? Despite all those things, I am not emotionally committed yet (though our relationship is always getting better and I can see that happening sometime in the future). Though I care about him, I'm not in love in the same way I loved my ex. I wouldn't cheat, but I feel like I'm still open to finding something better, a love affair to sweep me off my feet. What does that mean? Should I back off my friend, tell him not to visit right now, in that capacity; or should I see where this goes? It's been healthy for me, after all. And as I said, he's a great guy...
Nemo Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Anyways, now I'm in Chicago, starting on yet another second chance, but he's still around. We fall asleep on the phone every night, have kind of an exclusivity agreement, and he wants to visit. He sounds really into you, so the question becomes one of whether you are really into him. Just be careful not to make decisions for others, but for yourself. I hope it works out.
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Here's what I've experience through an LDR, for whatever it's worth to you. Any issues you had while being together will compound greatly through distance. Issues that weren't prevalent can easily become prevalent. I think you're better off looking for someone who's within the same area.
Ariadne Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I've posted about my friend Sammy before. We were friends for about 6 months before hooking up right before I moved. In my earlier posts, I mentioned some reservations I had, and people told me to leave him alone as I was "settling" and would inevitably end up hurting him. However, though I did break up with him, we continued hanging out constantly, and I grew to like him more and more, realizing many of my initial qualms simply weren't true. The days before I left, and on the road, I was having panic attacks left and right cause I felt I was hitting new lows, but he was there for me, a phone call away, and I grew to respect his confidence, maturity, and common sense. Anyways, now I'm in Chicago, starting on yet another second chance, but he's still around. We fall asleep on the phone every night, have kind of an exclusivity agreement, and he wants to visit. He's been my rock of support in the last month or so, has been a great friend, I think he's a wonderful person, and I'm attracted to him... but is it such a good idea for him to visit? Despite all those things, I am not emotionally committed yet (though our relationship is always getting better and I can see that happening sometime in the future). Though I care about him, I'm not in love in the same way I loved my ex. I wouldn't cheat, but I feel like I'm still open to finding something better, a love affair to sweep me off my feet. What does that mean? Should I back off my friend, tell him not to visit right now, in that capacity; or should I see where this goes? It's been healthy for me, after all. And as I said, he's a great guy... Yey! Go Sammy! Yeah, I think it'd be cool for him to visit. You'll have someone familiar there and he's probably going to have a blast in Chicago. I mean, it's always fun to get to know new places. An adventure. And you'll venture around part of town that you may not know as well. Together. So cool. Plus, you'll most likely be back soon in Texas. How do you like the corporate environment btw?
Author spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 He sounds really into you, so the question becomes one of whether you are really into him. Just be careful not to make decisions for others, but for yourself. I hope it works out. Thanks. That's the question I've been asking myself for the past month: am I really into him? And, what does being "really into" someone really mean? With my ex, it meant I would have swum across an ocean for him, it meant I would have been happy anywhere, in his arms; but what did that accomplish? I made an impressive mess of my life; that is all. As I said, I like this guy as a friend, I'm attracted to him, and he's been a really healthy influence in my life, even from such a distance. Does that mean I should value him and do what it takes to keep him around? Or does that mean he's one of those people who comes into our lives, makes them better, and then leaves, setting us up to be fcvked over by someone else? Here's what I've experience through an LDR, for whatever it's worth to you. Any issues you had while being together will compound greatly through distance. Issues that weren't prevalent can easily become prevalent. I think you're better off looking for someone who's within the same area. I've never been in an LDR except in high school, when my family moved 2000 miles away. It makes sense, though, that what you said is the common experience. However, it's hard for me to judge what my issues will be, since I had none while we were together- I was always emotionally unavailable, just going with the flow, while he was trying hard to make things happen. He was by far the "better" partner in our R, and I was constantly taking without giving (as, in my messed up emotional, financial, and oftentimes physical state, I had nothing to give). All the "reservations" I mentioned had nothing to do with him or his treatment of me and everything to do with what I wanted/ thought I wanted.
Ariadne Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 That's the question I've been asking myself for the past month: am I really into him? And, what does being "really into" someone really mean? Hmm...no. I'd say no.
Author spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Yey! Go Sammy! Yeah, I think it'd be cool for him to visit. You'll have someone familiar there and he's probably going to have a blast in Chicago. I mean, it's always fun to get to know new places. An adventure. And you'll venture around part of town that you may not know as well. Together. So cool. Plus, you'll most likely be back soon in Texas. How do you like the corporate environment btw? Those are good points. I would just feel guilty if I encouraged him to visit and then ended it, since he's financially stretched out and I know, though he'd enjoy his time, it'd be mostly to see me. My job starts tomorrow!
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I've never been in an LDR except in high school, when my family moved 2000 miles away. It makes sense, though, that what you said is the common experience. However, it's hard for me to judge what my issues will be, since I had none while we were together- I was always emotionally unavailable, just going with the flow, while he was trying hard to make things happen. He was by far the "better" partner in our R, and I was constantly taking without giving (as, in my messed up emotional, financial, and oftentimes physical state, I had nothing to give). All the "reservations" I mentioned had nothing to do with him or his treatment of me and everything to do with what I wanted/ thought I wanted. Don't be surprised if you find this dynamic reversed in an LDR. A lot of men have difficulty keeping a connection when there's no immediate physical gratification.
Nemo Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 As I said, I like this guy as a friend, I'm attracted to him, and he's been a really healthy influence in my life, even from such a distance. Does that mean I should value him and do what it takes to keep him around? I think he's a friend. A really good friend. (That you just happen to have slept with, and are attracted to.) But maybe you are much more than a friend to him. Anyway, I think the main thing is not to push him away, unless it becomes clear that you want different things out of this relationship. You have plenty of positive things to be getting on with, and you are strong enough to deal with it on your own. Try to remember why you want to get out of previous patterns that were not so constructive, and reinforce the parts of your life that will make you happier in the medium to long term.
shadowplay Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 It still sounds to me like you're settling. I doubt your feelings for him will ever be comparable to what you felt for your ex based on what you've said here. I get the sense you're the kind of person who feels an initial spark or none at all. Don't embark on a relationship with somebody you can't see staying with forever. He sounds like a good friend, who is sort of a security blanket for you right now since you're in an unfamiliar city.
Ariadne Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Those are good points. I would just feel guilty if I encouraged him to visit and then ended it, since he's financially stretched out and I know, though he'd enjoy his time, it'd be mostly to see me. My job starts tomorrow! Well, he'll probably be happy doing that. Some money is worth spending. You don't have to promise marriage to him or anything, he probably knows your flicker nature by now. And good luck with the boring as job.
shadowplay Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 How is your new job btw? I've been waiting for an update!
jerbear Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I say take a chance. Keep the risk taking aspects alive in life. Going corporate is not easy also being an actuary is like being a CPA, leans to risk adverse. I say try it and let him visit. You two may get blown away while exploring the city together. You might show him things and you two might discover new ones. He might relocate, Chicago is a nice city. I suggest going for it and see if the Windy city might blown you two away!
Author spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Ok. Thanks, guys, that was all very helpful. I guess my immediate question is, is it wrong for me to encourage him to come and visit, if I know he is more sure than I about what he wants out of this? Esp. given his financial situation (crappy).
Nemo Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I guess my immediate question is, is it wrong for me to encourage him to come and visit, if I know he is more sure than I about what he wants out of this? Esp. given his financial situation (crappy). The short answer is no. He needs Chicago as much as Chicago needs him. Encourage away.
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