v33 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Ouch. I was doing so well. She packed her things, said she would be by through this last week to check her mail before month end. She asked if I would burn cds of all the pictures she had taken over the years as they were on my computer. It seemed like the decent thing to do so I took care of it this morning. Many were pictures that had nothing to do with us, but there were a lot of them as a couple or just alone. Holidays, parties, dates, even some, umm "personal" ones (nothing crude, but I kept those out of the cds anyways). I broke down huge when I looked through them to sort them out. She has put me through hell, left me under the worst circumstances and has become a person who I don't recognize or like anymore. But remembering the happy times has just killed me. She looks more beautiful now to me than she ever has. In photos anyways. We don't really even have a friendship to speak of now but I just feel like I want to hold her right now. Why do I miss someone who isn't right for me, doesn't love me, treated me so poorly and is now with other people? Why can't I let go? Why can't I just feel nothing for her as she feels nothing for me? She doesn't deserve my emotions and the thoughts I have of her. But I miss her so much today.
tealeafbud Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Dude, you should have waited a while before you did that. maybe heal a little bit more and did that favor when it was convenient for you. Not that it's a game, you just can't send her the signal that you'll do anything she wants. If I were you, I would have said "sure, when I get around to it". When you were more ready, then you could have done it without any hurt and emotional feelings. Just my $0.02
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Ouch! I wouldn't have bothered. They're on your computer, so they belong to you. My ex-H has a ton of pics on his computer, of either the two of us or me. I've never requested them. If it makes him happy, he's welcome to them. Some people are so insensitive.
Author v33 Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Yes, true, I can see both of your points. She did ask me to do it when the break-up was initiated, and I should have just done it then. It isn't really a matter of me showing her that I will or wont bend to her whims. Frankly, I don't think she cares how I feel one way or the other. To be honest, I had some unsettling encounters with her and her friends recently and I did it mostly (copied the photos) so that she would not have any excuse to make things difficult for me. Don't need any reasons for her to think I owe her anything and such, especially since she has access to my house until month end. It's a very odd dynamic between her and I. She has become rather unstable lately from my perspective. She will talk to me when she feels like it (usually while intoxicated) then push me away if someone sees us talking together in order to support the illusion she created that I did her wrong. In fact just the other day she was talking to a acquaintance of ours and was confessing how much she missed me and how she was so sad we broke up and then as soon as I showed up she went off on a tangent about how I was just coming around to upset her and had to call in the cavalry to rescue her even though our meeting was entirely by chance. But moments before she is being so sentimental and telling me about how she has unpacked this that and the other that reminds her of us and showing me how she is wearing the bracelet I gave her. Games...... I know this is getting off topic, but I am glad I brought it up just to remind myself how toxic she really is. I have to admit to myself that I am still a mess over this, however. The note I left with her cds should be destroyed before she picks them up. And the old t-shirt she always wanted of mine is in the pile too. Good god, what is my problem? Being alone really opens you up to wanting to settle for something that isn't good for you. We had grown so distant, had no sex life, barely talked but I just crave attention from her so much now. I suppose I could go complete NC to show her what it is like to miss me, but I know I don't want her back, but would like to know she wanted me. Ugh...I make myself sick sometimes.
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I can understand why you would want to wash her out of your life. I'm not suggesting a power game. More than anything, a self-protection mechanism of not having to look at the pics. A confused individual only causes more pain for someone who isn't.
Author v33 Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 I think her and I are both confused, but I should know better.
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