shadowplay Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 It took awhile to sink in, but I now feel real remorse about what I did to my boyfriend. Looking back on my feelings a few months ago, it seems like I was under a spell. It's almost relieving in a way to have those feelings as proof that I'm not completely cold and inhuman. I don't see how I could have been so deluded. It not me. I don't know how to fit what I did into my self concept. The act seems entirely separate from anything else in my life that came before or after. I now feel disgusted at myself and the friend. I feel ashamed and sick when my boyfriend even mentions his name or that he hung out with him. The thought of this other guy now repulses me; I have no clue what I ever saw in him. I cringe just thinking about him. He seems slimy and pathetic. I don't know if it's because I love my boyfriend more now, but I can't imagine ever doing what I did to him then. Maybe in a twisted way it was an important learning experience for me that the grass isn't always greener. I feel different now from how I did before the episode. Or maybe that's all a rationalization and nothing positive was gained, only lost. Who knows. I guess I don't understand what caused the 180 in my attuitude on the situation. The last time I saw this guy I was suddenly seized with repulsion and wanted to get as far away from him as I could...that's when the regret started to sink in. What suddenly changed? Sometimes my boyfriend asks me "Why did you do it, Shadow?" and I don't know what to say. There is nothing to say. Nothing I can say will make it better. I feel so ashamed.
johan Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Everyone knows right from wrong. People who rationalize shades of right and wrong into every situation are the ones who suffer the most with their decisions. Both beforehand and afterwards.
Author shadowplay Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Everyone knows right from wrong. People who rationalize shades of right and wrong into every situation are the ones who suffer the most with their decisions. Both beforehand and afterwards. I knew it was the wrong decision before I made it, but somehow that didn't sink in on a deep level.
johan Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 You rationalized it. You made little arguments about why it might be ok to do.
sb129 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Well Shadow I am not going to demean you with an "I told you so". Making mistakes, regretting them, learning from them and ADMITTING YOU WERE WRONG is a humbling yet important experience. Just don't make a habit of it.
Recommended Posts