Star Gazer Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Why do you get so sensitive about this topic? I do agree that it seems like the herpes is a factor in this guy pulling back. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong, it is just this man's reaction to it. I just think it's ludicrous to assume that this guy is pulling back because of herpes, when 9 times out of 10 a guy pulls back after intimacy regardless of the involvement of any STD. As for sensitivity, I just find some people's attitudes towards PG and her experience (and those of others with or dating someone with herpes) to be very judgmental and ignorant. Their "yay for you!"s as things were going well for her were tinged with condescension, shock and disdain. As soon as a very typical relationship male behavior pops up, they blame the H like it's bound to be the sole cause for any of PG's relationship difficulties. That is like saying nothing more than, "Well, yeah, PG...you have H, what do you expect?" I find that attitude deplorable, particularly in light of the glass houses these people live in while surrounded by the reality of herpes and its statistics (which we do NOT need to repeat here). Given the type of commentary we've seen here, next time someone posts with, "We were intimate soon, and now he's pulling away..." the very next question should be, "Well, do you have H? You must, because THAT's why he's pulling away... it has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING else..."
Replicant Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 He promised me he would be honest with me. It's just a waste of time if you aren't truly into someone. He won't call, but then he'll say things to me like, "I feel lucky that I met you," and tell me how beautiful and funny I am." BUT I won't/can't believe his words until his actions follow. He made allusions to going to this show at the end of June, and I jokingly said: "well, that's if we're still dating then!" and he said: "I think we'll still be dating then!" Another confusing thing he did was when I was out of town, he said he said he would call me, he didn't, but the day I got back, he wrote me an email saying: "are you back yet? when can i see you?" Sigh. The uncertainties of dating. The bold section is basically lip service to get the same in return. He seems to be pouring it on rather thick in a time frame that is less than a month. But the communication apart from that is holding steady near zero. Willpower drives us to do what we wish to do and avoid what we don't want to. If you were a priority interest, you bet you'd hear from him by some means. Not ambiguous statements, but actively wanting to make plans/dates etc.... Communication is very dependent on the individual sure, but respectful behavior has no gray areas. Either you are or aren't, and in this case it means returning your calls in a decent time frame. It's become his choice not to. My honest opinion is he's working an agenda, probably thinking you are wrapped around his finger, because some of your comments/words just scream needy to me, others being more ambiguous statements that question the relationship itself. That's not only a power shift in his favor, but i (personally) would start losing respect for a woman carrying on like this. Also the double header on the oral probably worked like a triple play on the respect... Also lets assume if he was truly invested from the get go, pessimistic views on the longevity of the relationship coming up constantly would take it's toll on his views and probably start believing what he's hearing and starting winding things down.
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Well, just got back from a long day at the park having a picnic, and just had fun reading all the replies that have been posted since I've been gone! A couple things I'd like to address -I understand that some of you think me having herpes is playing a part in his actions, but I honestly don't think this is the case. He's really OK with it. As soon as we started making out, he asked me if I had a condom, and when I said I didn't, and he started laughing good naturedly and was like: "weren't you the one who lectured me all about safe sex?" And thank you Star Gazer for sticking up for me! -I agree with ariawoman when she says it's ultimately up to me to talk to him about our communication methods. I do plan on doing this, but maybe not for a few more weeks (if it lasts that long!). It's only been one month and I feel this is too serious of a talk to bring up so soon when we are still feeling each other out. -Also, he called me while I was in the park, apologized for missing my call last night and said he's been at work all weekend working on deadline (this is also why he left early Saturday morning, to go to work). Then he said how he'll be working late all week, but that "hopefully I will have time to see you this week." -And I don't know if this matters or not, but he was married young and divorced young.
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 apologized for missing my call last night and said he's been at work all weekend working on deadline (this is also why he left early Saturday morning, to go to work). Then he said how he'll be working late all week, but that "hopefully I will have time to see you this week." PG - after hearing this, I am pretty convinced he's got another woman... I'm honestly surprised he would put himself at sexual risk so soon with someone he is not exclusive with nor committed to. Did that not strike you as odd?
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 It was Sunday night, not Saturday, and I only called him because earlier in the week I mentioned I might go see a certain movie this weekend and he said to tell him if I went, because he wanted to see it too. So, I called. I was being polite! Also, out of all six dates we have been on, he has instigated all of them. He is just bad on the follow up. blah. JB, I mean, he COULD possibly be seeing someone else. We are not exclusive. At the same time, he makes himself very available to me any day of the week. I am 99% sure that he is not seeing someone else though. In terms of becoming sexual with me so soon, it didn't strike me as odd. I think one month is a reasonable amount of time to become intimate with someone.
johan Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 PG - after hearing this, I am pretty convinced he's got another woman... I'm honestly surprised he would put himself at sexual risk so soon with someone he is not exclusive with nor committed to. Did that not strike you as odd? I think it's best not to jump to the "other woman" conclusion without direct evidence. Every busy guy in the world is not cheating. I think it's better to find a way to separate your insecurities from the situation, and then determine whether the relationship is meeting reasonable expectations. Give it some time and don't apply needless pressure.
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I think it's best not to jump to the "other woman" conclusion without direct evidence. Every busy guy in the world is not cheating. True, but if a guy calls to say he was busy all weekend and is going to continue to be busy for an extended period of time... if it smells like a duck... PG - I don't think one month is too soon to get intimate with someone, but I do if that person has H. Sorry, but I just find it unusual that someone who is not infected would put themselves at risk with someone they are very casually dating. And it doesn't sound like he's planning on making himself available to you 99% of the time when he said he will be unavailable all week. I just think you need to NOT contact him again and see how it unfolds. In the meantime, since you said you're not the interested in him anyway, I would stay VERY open to dating others...
D-Lish Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Guys don't want to commit. It's our nature and this can't be changed. Getting head twice or thrice has nothing to do with it. When a guy feels he is getting close to a woman, there is a inner desire to bolt! I always feel this way, especially when the woman starts calling every day and asking you where you were, what you were doing and so on... If I get over this hump, then things settle down into a relationship. If you dig this guy, you should hang in there a while longer. CHeers, I agree with your take on this B... All of my guy friends say the same thing... they don't want to feel pressured or pushed into a committment- they want to come by that decision on their own. Granted, the pressure is often internally inspired (hardwired) as you say. That is why it is best to just have fun and let things lead where they will. Fun, light times in the beginning = no pressure, relaxed guy. I'd hang in there for a bit. Just don't reach out to him as much, and leave the "where is this headed" talk for down the road. I know you aren't doing this with him... The less pressure he feels, meaning the more relaxed he is being around you- the more inclined he'll be to open up and deepen the bond. But yeah- if he's getting some oral action... you should be getting it too!
johan Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 True, but if a guy calls to say he was busy all weekend and is going to continue to be busy for an extended period of time... if it smells like a duck... Man, you're really reaching tonight. Ducks don't even have noses.
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Man, you're really reaching tonight. Ducks don't even have noses. lol. You've never been to Patagonia, have you?
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 PG - I don't think one month is too soon to get intimate with someone, but I do if that person has H. Sorry, but I just find it unusual that someone who is not infected would put themselves at risk with someone they are very casually dating. Uh, it happens all the time. As for PG, the dude wanted to have sex with her. He asked her for a condom. As for being busy equating to an automatic determination that the dude has a lady on the side: I was busy all weekend, and I'm not dating ANYONE. Sheesh.
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 I know it's hard to believe that a person would want to have sex with a DISEASED person like me, haha, but he does! We have talked about this, and he truly seems OK with it. This is the least of my concerns. As for oral sex: it seemed he was headed down in that direction, but I veered him away from it, because, as you know, herpes can be passed from genital to oral. I don't know if he's aware of that or not, so I'm going to inform him of this, so he can decide for himself if he wants to put himself at (the slim) risk for this. JB, I truly appreciate your advice and you give good points, but it seems you are, in general, very negative about men! I don't know my guy well enough to know who he REALLY is, but so far he has proved himself to be a decent guy and I don't jump to worst case scenarios. Also, all of this could be predicated by the fact that one week into dating him, I specifically told him that I like to take things slow and get to know someone well before jumping into anything. me = very busy all weekend, too = fun times without a dude! I know my busy social schedule and independence is one of the things he likes about me. I do just want to go with the flow and let things happen organically, but I am by nature a thinker and over analyzer about EVERYTHING. So I drive myself crazy!!!!
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 No, PG, it's not being negative. It's called being realistic about circumstances. Too many people foolishly ignore very obvious signs over and over again. I prefer to not be a statistic... Good luck with him. I hope it goes how you want it to...
Replicant Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 We have talked about this, and he truly seems OK with it. This is the least of my concerns. Concern and respect of his well being should always be at the forefront of everything that happens. The rest of this is drama, perpetuated by insecurities on your part trying to grab at straws as to why guys act certain ways, and if it's correct based on the time and place. You're trying too hard, too fast and manifests this drama as the result. This should be the least of your concerns, as it will reveal itself in time positive or negative. BUT to prevent subjecting him to a virus which has far greater consequences if contracted, should be a priority as a carrier no matter what. Regardless of your emotional investment in him.
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Totally agree with you Replicant. I definitely want to keep him safe 100%. Now that sex has been brought up, and it seems like it will happen, I am going to the doctor this week to get on suppressent meds to be extra safe. You are also correct that all of these drama is being perpetuated by my own insecurites!
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 I didn't say I was going to sleep with him IMMEDIATELY, but if it does happen, I'd like to be prepared and safe. Also, who says sex always has to do with commitment and love? Maybe I just feel like having sex! I'm not withholding sex as some sort of reward system or bait. And please, I'm intelligent enough to know that boinking a guy isn't going to make him love me. That's so something you learn in a sorority.
Jilly Bean Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Maybe I just feel like having sex!quote] If that's the case, then why the minor meltdown and the thread over you blowing him and him not calling you, and how upset you were that he didn't? I think you're not being honest here, or else you're too confused and keep changing your mind. A week ago, you were all worried he would reject you when you told him about the H, then you went on to say how amazing he was, and how you were so into him. Now you're acting like you might just want to boink him for the fun of it, yet you start a thread complaining that you went down on him and he never called you. I just wish you'd pick a train of thought or emotion and stick with it, PG.
D-Lish Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Don't worry about it Panda! Just continue to take things for what they are... It's the first month of dating, so the expectations aren't clear for either of you! I know from experience, that the first few months are a figuring out period.
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I just wish you'd pick a train of thought or emotion and stick with it, PG. I don't see how she's been inconsistent.
carhill Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hey, PG, hang in and teach that dolt to bring his own condoms (I brought my own lube too ) and to take care of you too. He does have hands, doesn't he? An index finger there and a thumb here and a bit of lube and rub all around. Tongues work great on other parts where there is surely no H. I'd just go with the flow awhile longer and let him digest all this stuff. Promise me no more fellatio until you get some satisfaction, please?
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 haha, thanks carhill, star gazer and d-lish. I do realize I've sort of been all over the place, but I guess you guys have to understand -- and some of you do, I think -- that this is the first guy I've dated in a LONG time post-herpes, so I'm feeling a little weird and insecure about things I wouldn't normally worry about. I gotta get my dating legs back in form. Your support means a lot. So thank you.
Lovelybird Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 pandagirl seems like you think you have no control over this situation or any dating situation, it's not true, you can teach guys how to treat you: treat you with respect and care, or treat you lightly whatever they want to treat you. If you give all this responsibility to guys whoever date you, such as you expect one day there will fall down a perfect man who know how to treat you nicely, but you don't do anything to show them how, then you are making a big mistake. when a guy wants sex with you, you powerlessly just do it even without well knowing this guy. I think if you learn to take some control over the situation, your dating life will improve, I didn't mean power struggle though. Think well before you react to certain requirement. if you are customed to certain behaviour pattern, then you need to heed those patterns, why you act certain way you act. One month is way way quick to having sex relationship with a man. First, you don't know this man well; second, you don't know if he is really care about you or not, and his characters. it seems to me that it is YOU who taught him not to put much effort in you, it is YOU who gave him hints how to treat you. I know you want a guy to tell (most important show) you that you are lovable and beautiful and worthy, but you cannot rely on guys for that, if you embrace that you are that lovable and beautiful without a man to tell you so, you can choose and act more freely
Lovelybird Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 I agree with your take on this B... All of my guy friends say the same thing... they don't want to feel pressured or pushed into a committment- they want to come by that decision on their own. Granted, the pressure is often internally inspired (hardwired) as you say. That is why it is best to just have fun and let things lead where they will. Fun, light times in the beginning = no pressure, relaxed guy. I'd hang in there for a bit. Just don't reach out to him as much, and leave the "where is this headed" talk for down the road. I know you aren't doing this with him... The less pressure he feels, meaning the more relaxed he is being around you- the more inclined he'll be to open up and deepen the bond. But yeah- if he's getting some oral action... you should be getting it too! sounds like doormat mindset
Balthazar Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 . That is why it is best to just have fun and let things lead where they will. Fun, light times in the beginning = no pressure, relaxed guy. Fun is good; Fun, me say hell yes! Seriously though, this is the only way to go at the start of relationships. If two people have fun together, the chances are better that it will last. When I have a good time with a girl, I wanna be with her. Simple as that.
Author pandagirl Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 pandagirl One month is way way quick to having sex relationship with a man. First, you don't know this man well; second, you don't know if he is really care about you or not, and his characters. it seems to me that it is YOU who taught him not to put much effort in you, it is YOU who gave him hints how to treat you. Is one month really that soon? I feel that is pretty average. Anyway, he knows I want to go slow as I told him as much on our third date. I think think best way for me to deal with this situation is just have fun, and if something bothers me, to communicate my feelings to him. Wow, just like an adult would do! haha.
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