so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I have finally realised a few things. I had sex 2 years ago for the first time. I didnt enjoy it but repeated it 2 more times to see if it got better . This was witha long term partner. My conclusion was that it wasnt fantastic and i wasnt sure why people go on about good sex so much. After that I had a few oral fixations - which I got a lot ( A LOT) more pleasure from - so i stuck with that. The issue is that men that are coming my way want the full deal. Sooner or later they want sex not just oral. I am happy with just oral but this is affecting my relationships because sooner or later they walk. I am not sure why I cant have sex easily. It may be because my first time wasnt good. Also I have cultural boundries - in that I was brought up in an enviroment were u only have sex within marraige. I thought I had walked away from that - but i think your upbringing can have a powerful effect on you. I have now met someone that I am dating. He seems ok, I cant say that I really really really fancy him, but i am sexually attracted to him. I decided before meeting him that I "needed" to have sex now...I need to start having regular sex to get away from this fear. Having sex with this guy would be easy as i dont know him to well, he is nice enough and he is sexually compatible. Now its crunch time and i backed off. I feel bad because he has been patient, he isnt forcing it but at the same time he wouldnt have a relationship without it. How do I conquer this? Do I get drunk to make myself relaxed? Do I walk off or try?? Men - how would you handle an inexperienced woman? is it offputting?? Women - will it hurt me after so long? how can i avoid cysstitis and pain??
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 You might want to see a doctor if you have physical pain during sex. There could be a real problem here. I think the cultural issue definitely has an impact on you. You probably feel like you are doing something "wrong" so that barrier is blocking you from being able to enjoy sex. This is a problem but there are solutions! You should try using lube to loosen you up during sex. Good luck, and keep posting here if you are having anxieties.
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 I had pain after it last time - because the guy went too deep. it hurt for weeks and weeks and quite far up inside me. This one says he will be gentle - but do men get pleasure out of going deeper rgardless of the pain it causes. its seems torturess.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Did you tell him it was hurting when that happened? If you did he should have backed off a bit. If you didn't, please try to find your voice next time instead of suffering. I'm sorry that happened to you, it sounds horrible. I think a good guy will be more gentle with you if you ask him too. If you are considering having sex with this current guy, I think you should really tell him your concerns.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I think you had a really bad experience with this one guy but they are not all like that. I think you will be able to enjoy it more with someone else. Don't give up yet!
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 i told him after . It hurt more after. I really want to overcome this barrier and i think this new guy is as good as any. How will it get better if i dont do it? i dont want to sleep around, just get comfortable with it. Any tips?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I think my best advice is to communicate. Tell the person what you need, what feels good, what doesn't feel good. Have him go down on you before intercourse so you can get aroused first. Then it is a lot easier. Try going on top, because then you have more control over how deep it goes. Guys love that, too. Don't be shy! Have a drink first, but not too many! Most important, make sure you are really attracted to this guy.
spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 i told him after . It hurt more after. I really want to overcome this barrier and i think this new guy is as good as any. How will it get better if i dont do it? i dont want to sleep around, just get comfortable with it. Any tips? Yah, find someone who actually cares about you to practice fcvking. Sex has so many different meanings. How much we enjoy it is largely situational, IMO. I am comfortable with my body and I enjoy sex, but far more so when I believe in my heart the relationship has lasting power. Otherwise, it's like I'm being torn in half; it's fun physically but my mind balks at sharing something so intimite with someone I don't care that strongly about. That's not wrong. You just have to do what's right for you. I think you need to straighten out how you feel about the whole thing, and about men, and relationships; figure out what you want. You're tackling the wrong issue.
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Finding someone to care (and that i want to fk) is taking too long. So I have found someone I want to fk and he may care/seems nice. Its not emotional - its physical at the moment. Problem is he isnt used to relationships without it, whereas I am. It is crunch time and to be honest he has always said that he wants sex generally - i have led hi on by not disputing this. I am fearful. When does it start getting good? how many times after the first few?
spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Finding someone to care (and that i want to fk) is taking too long. So I have found someone I want to fk and he may care/seems nice. Its not emotional - its physical at the moment. Problem is he isnt used to relationships without it, whereas I am. It is crunch time and to be honest he has always said that he wants sex generally - i have led hi on by not disputing this. I am fearful. When does it start getting good? how many times after the first few? It's only good if your mind is aligned with your body. It wouldn't be good for me if I ever felt it was "crunch time". Do you want to have sex because you want to, or because he won't have a relationship without it?
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 I really want to. I feel like this is the reason my relationships havnt progressed. I feel like its a part of life I am missing out on. He hasnt pressurized me - he mentioned this at the beginning, I told him I hadnt had much sex. He wasnt put off but made it clear its what he has had in the past. Before meeting him i was looking for it - not in a 1 night situation - in a "relationship". I crave to know what I am missing.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 It's only good if your mind is aligned with your body. It wouldn't be good for me if I ever felt it was "crunch time". Do you want to have sex because you want to, or because he won't have a relationship without it? The whole notion of "crunch time" is disconcerting for me. If you are feeling under pressure to have sex, whether that pressure comes from within or without, that is not going to put you in a relaxed mood. I agree that your mind needs to be aligned with your body. I am concerned for you, So Gutted.
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 how do i align my mind with my body? how can i achieve this????tips??? if i dont do this now - i may wait for a long while and then get more scared???
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I'm just afraid that if you aren't ready for it, or if you are not entirely comfortable with this guy, then it will be another bad experience. I think it should come naturally. You like him, you are attracted to him, and he feels the same way about you. Right now your mind is saying "Do this, because you should do it to get over your fear." Your body is saying "I'm afraid it will hurt, and I'm not entirely comfortable with this guy otherwise I would have more of a natural desire to have sex with him." Your motivations are out of alignment. You also have this fear really built up in your head, which is making you feel pressure. It is okay to wait and have sex with someone you really, really like and feel comfortable with. The fear will be naturally less because you will be able to talk about it with a caring partner.
Author so gutted Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Today he wanted to meet - when we had previously set a time ( later on in week). I dont like this spotanous meeting up. I have different commitments. I am scared that I am not that excited about meeting him/the attention. I feel "invaded" - he wanted to meet for dinner - i siad no as i wanted to hit home the point that i cant really do these 4 hour notice meetings. I think i am not that into him.....but am sick of being alone. What can I do? Should I stick with the original meeting and see how I feel after?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 You are SOOOOO not into this guy. Really. You hardly know him and he is already really bugging you. Please, find a way to be happy by yourself. How can you spend time with someone you feel "invaded" by and think that is better than being alone? I would 100X rather be alone than hang out with someone how annoyed me so much. If you really liked this guy, you would be EXCITED to see him. Not annoyed. Not invaded. Trust your instincts.
Storyrider Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 There is no "timeline" for when you need to have sex. Don't rush yourself. If the guys are pushing you, maybe you're dating the wrong guys. Why not look for someone who shares your values about sex, who wants to go slower, and who has a similar level of experience?
Author so gutted Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Truth is there are not many people out there with the limited experience i have, the teenagers of this country start having sex at 12....by 18 they are good at it. i have had sex a few times only and i didnt like it. I have spoken to this guy and he hasnt mentioned sex lately. The issue is that I cannot progress properly with any relationship as when sex comes up ( it always does) I back off. Men then back off. Its a bonding experience I havnt experienced and i need to. AS for this guy - I am playing my usual tricks and he has said he is sick of chacing and getting nothing back. He is actually a nice humble guy and I am acting like the dodgy man. I havnt had proper relationships, and now i cant adjust. Not just the sex, the contact, the contunity of it. I always feel invaded and set in my ways. I think the fault is with me. I am not used to relationships as I havnt had any real ones, more sexual ones and now one is looming i am ruining it before its started.
Author so gutted Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 as per usual i didnt listen to you guys - prefering to make my own mistake. I met him. I guess I wanted something to work after so much inactivity. As usual I got drunk. I dont normally drink. I do it when i am feeling nervous want to react. It tasted awful. I carried on drinking thinking i would get a nice buzz. It didnt happen. It helped me to "relax". Ended up in a hotel. I couldnt go through with it, even when drunk. My gut reaction was right. I didnt like him enough. I think i wanted to do what i think the whole world is doing - "settle" and get comfortable with a man - doing normal things - eating out, watching movies, sex. Thing is this isnt normal for me because i dont have sex. He didnt push it. He left - i stayed and vomitted a few times. Felt awful and disgusted with myself after. For days. He did call - but i am not interested even though he is nice. I dont fancy him anymore. not sure if i ever did. someone explain why i do this?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 as per usual i didnt listen to you guys - prefering to make my own mistake. I met him. I guess I wanted something to work after so much inactivity. As usual I got drunk. I dont normally drink. I do it when i am feeling nervous want to react. It tasted awful. I carried on drinking thinking i would get a nice buzz. It didnt happen. It helped me to "relax". Ended up in a hotel. I couldnt go through with it, even when drunk. My gut reaction was right. I didnt like him enough. I think i wanted to do what i think the whole world is doing - "settle" and get comfortable with a man - doing normal things - eating out, watching movies, sex. Thing is this isnt normal for me because i dont have sex. He didnt push it. He left - i stayed and vomitted a few times. Felt awful and disgusted with myself after. For days. He did call - but i am not interested even though he is nice. I dont fancy him anymore. not sure if i ever did. someone explain why i do this? You are so very unhappy with yourself because you are letting societal norms and expectations be your guide in life rather than letting your own instincts and desires carry you through the day. Find yourself and respect your own dreams for your life.
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