Haven't talked to anyone...

[dogtown]

Hi, welcome.

 

I would strongly suggest seeking professional help. They can really help you get through stuff like this.

 

It's really unfortunate what happened to you growing up. It would probably make anyone insecure. However, IMO, I find that the best thing to do is talk about it with someone. When you hold it in, it just eats you up on the inside. It's a good first step getting it off your chest here, but it would be better if you had someone to talk to about it - a friend, a sibling, a psychiatrist.

 

You're awesome. Hang in there. Good luck.

[MargaretNoelle]

Thanks so much. I often feel as though maybe I'm reading too much into it, because when I say things to my mother she tells me that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, basically, and that she is not to blame for anything regarding me. (I haven't told her about the way I feel sometimes).

 

I'm not sure if this type of family situation is more common than I may think.

 

I just find myself very unhappy, often lonely, and I am unable to show emotion or trust people. I can probably count the number of times I've cried in my lifetime on one hand.

[dogtown]

Thanks so much. I often feel as though maybe I'm reading too much into it, because when I say things to my mother she tells me that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, basically, and that she is not to blame for anything regarding me. (I haven't told her about the way I feel sometimes).

 

I'm not sure if this type of family situation is more common than I may think.

 

I just find myself very unhappy, often lonely, and I am unable to show emotion or trust people. I can probably count the number of times I've cried in my lifetime on one hand.

 

So, what if this type of family situation is common? Would that mean that you should be able to deal with it? No way.

 

I think whether or not it's common is beside the point. The bottom line is that whatever has happened has affected you. You have a good enough self awareness to realize this. That's a big first step. Now how do you deal with it is the next question?

 

It doesn't sound like your Mom is very helpful here. Telling someone to "just get over it" and "you're making a big deal about nothing" is kind of a cop out. Sounds like it is her defense mechanism for not dealing with it herself.

 

Obviously, I'm not a professional, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

[ZenSilk]

This situation is probably more common than it should be, but it's definitely not the way things should be. Your insecurities might very well stem from this unsafe environment, and even if your mother says you're making too big a deal out of this, it sounds like you've made experiences a child shouldn't do.

 

You'll need time and effort to work through these delicate issues, and seeking professional help is a perfect way to start. I bet you can find a counseling office on your campus. Think about it like this, now you're an adult and can actually take life in your own hands and make your own decisions. Just because this happened in your childhood doesn't mean you're going to be stigmatized forever. This will influence you in many ways, but you're always the one to have the last word and decide how you want to live your life. You can get over your insecurities, you can learn how to create a psychologically healthy environment for you. The first step is definitely to talk about it with people. You'll find some friends will be able to give you advice or listen to you, and others will be overwhelmed by this. So pick your choices wisely, you can post in this forum, and I definitely advise to talk to a therapist.

[GPFan]

I am never aware of whether I am making a bigger deal of this than I should be. Are most families full of problems like this?

The reason why you are made to feel that you are making a big issue of this is because you managed to come out of your childhood healthier than your parents. Similar to the crazy person who doesn't know she is crazy.

 

 

 

My mother acts like I am complaining about nothing' date=' but it actually just makes me sad when I witness other kids I go to college with interacting with their families.[/quote']

Your Mother is in denial. She most likely does realise on a deeper level the trauma you were put through but she can't face it consciously because of the pain it would cause her.

 

 

 

Aside from being insecure, I take an all-or-nothing approach to everything I do, have had (last yr) some eating problems (starving myself, throwing up, etc).

 

I began a strict diet at the age of ten which I have not broken since (under 20 grams of fat per day). Quite a commitment for a ten yr old, I'd say.

 

I always feel lonely, I feel like nobody that I'm close to can relate with me, and basically the only one who understands me is myself.

Your best source of an understanding ear is therapy. No family is perfect and we all emerge from childhood with a few dents-and-dings. The only question is magnitude.

 

Please seek therapy for yourself, you will find some measure of relief there.

 

Take care and I wish you the very best.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just find myself very unhappy, often lonely, and I am unable to show emotion or trust people. I can probably count the number of times I've cried in my lifetime on one hand.

 

Yes, your family situation has effected you.

 

You have some self defense mechanisms in place to keep people at arms length.

 

The most important part of this is that you understand there is a problem, and you have a good grasp on where it comes from. That puts you miles ahead of everyone else.

[MargaretNoelle]

Thanks, everyone. I have read each of your responses more than once.

 

It feels good to be validated- sometimes I think I'm crazy for even linking the two.

 

Here's where I'm stuck- I'd do almost anything to not feel like this. The ways in which my life and thinking are effected are many. But I would just feel SO weird talking to someone. As if I were whining, like "I had such a bad childhood... (blah blah)" and as if I were the only person whose childhood was not perfect.

 

I would feel so strange crying about what happened to me when I was younger, like some pathetic adult that can't get over things that happened when I was young (you would think a mature mind would be able to process things differently).

 

If this wasn't it, I have no idea how I turned out so unemotional (with others) and extremely insecure. It really hurts me, though. I'm afraid I'll never have the courage to talk to anyone.

 

Also, where am I supposed to stand with my family now? I can genuinely say that in my heart, I think i love my dad. His relationship with my mothers is unrelated to his with mine. And his drinking was his only downfall as a parent, really. I know he loves me.

 

My mother, however, seems completely selfish and just a mean-spirited person. Aside from the truly damaging things she did to our family, there are little things that make her seem like an overall just mean person. For example, she returned every single gift that I had ever gotten her for birthdays, Christmas, etc. So eventually I stopped getting them for her, then she complained and cried over it. She used to be CONSTANTLY screaming at me over everything, even complete accidents like opening the fridge and something falling out (not even my fault). Our neighbor actually pulled my father aside and asked him if he could please tell the "babysitter" (we didn't have one) to stop screaming at the children all day. She does SUCH nice things for people she hardly knows (customers at her work, etc.) only so she can appear (on a superficial level) to be a nice person. She won't accept any responsibility for what she put me through as a child.

And lastly, how on earth could someone do that to their cousin (who confided a lot in her and trusted her as a best friend) without feeling horrible for FOUR YEARS!?

 

But then sometimes, she says she loves me so much, etc. I have seen her do a few seemingly genuinely nice thinks. (One example is visiting my great-grandmother, who was in a nursing home, often, even though it was my father's grandmother).

 

What am I supposed to make of her? Do I have to love my mother?

[Untouchable_Fire]

If this wasn't it, I have no idea how I turned out so unemotional (with others) and extremely insecure. It really hurts me, though. I'm afraid I'll never have the courage to talk to anyone.

 

It is a self defense mechanism. I come from a similar family background. I shattered that by moving and changing environments. It allowed me to be a new person, which was a lot closer to who I really am... free of the emotional stress my family produces.

 

Your unemotional, maybe because you fear being vulnerable. Some insecurity is a part of life. When you hold everyone at arms length that insecurity grows. When you accept them, and don't fear them, the insecurity shrinks.

 

Also, where am I supposed to stand with my family now? I can genuinely say that in my heart, I think i love my dad. His relationship with my mothers is unrelated to his with mine. And his drinking was his only downfall as a parent, really. I know he loves me.

 

What am I supposed to make of her? Do I have to love my mother?

 

You don't have to love someone just because they are your parent. However, I think you would be happiest if you built a relationship with your mother.

 

The only way your going to be able to do that is by understanding how she thinks and feels... combined with accepting her as a very flawed human. She is probably a very nice person, but never learned how to deal with stress... so she took it out on her family. That may not be the case... it's really up to you to find out... if you want to.

 

Anyway... my point is that your not alone. Yes it is a big deal because it affects who we are and how we interact with others. Don't feel like a victim, but also don't feel like a wimp because it affects you, and yes when you tell your story... we care.