says he loves me & mean world to him, doesn't want anyone else but broke up with me

[daphne]

gali,

 

It's his age and lack of maturity. It does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. My ex from a few years back was around that age and even though he knew I was a keeper, he just didn't want to settle down. Funny, now I'm glad he didn't want to. He's not what I thought he was or wanted.

 

You can't make him wake up. Chances are, he won't until you don't want him back. This is the way a lot of guys are that don't have their heads on straight. If I were you, I'd move forward with my life and not look back. I don't think you're going to be satisfied with the outcome regardless. To me, if a guy could be stupid enough to be crazy about me and let me go, he can't be that bright and he's definitely not the one for me. I won't waste my time trying to change his mind.

 

Be nice to yourself and focus on you for now.

[galicat]

i apprecaite your thoughts. i've been checking back to see if anyone had any feedback. alas, maybe maturity is it. such a shame after all this time and his pledges and commitments (we have x2 houses togeather and have made so much amazing progress i can't believe he could throw it all away and be so selfish). i hope he wakes up to himself before it's too late. i am moving on with my life but nopt sure if i can be friends with him as i am so hurt and burnt from the whole thing. I want to look like the bigger person and really i think im doing a great job being busy and happy and not looking back but he keeps texting and being helpful and it breaks my heart. he wants me but he doesn't want me. how should i behave? i've tried to avoid contact but we live in a small town and share some of the same friends. when i saw him out the other day and ignored him he got really upset and started a fight. i just wish he would wake up to himself!

[zicke]

Galicat-

 

I saw your other thread on a different message board--you had four pages of people giving you advice. You fail to mention that this is not the first, second, or third time even that this guy and you have broken up.

 

i know you don't want to hear it, but move on. I was in a 3 year relationship in which I was dumped 9 times. 9 times! He always came back and said he saw the light, I was his soulmate, etc....and everytime he did it again. I chose to go back all those times, I don't know why. Maybe the drama, maybe not. I finally chose myself in the end.

 

You do what you need to do, I don't know why you are asking for advice, you are going to do what you want to in the end, which is go back to him and get dumped again.

[galicat]

thanks for pointing that out. i have this deep karmic feeling that i need to sort this situation out before i can properly move on. i have done everything that has been sugested to me. move countries, no contact, full formal separation etc etc but the world keeps throwing this person in my path. it's done my head in. i can't seam to get away fully and finally. everytime i do he is there again or somthing comes up and we are thrown togeather. i'd move towns if my work wasn't here. maybe im just really weak and vulnerable but i need closure. i ran into him the other day and tried to avoid him then he when and caused a fight and got very upset. i hate him for whats hes done but i see a lost boy that needs my help - your thinking typical battered woman and your probably right. ok, how about this. no more message boards for me - you have called me on this, i have done as advised and now i need to be firm and clear and strong and just block him out whatever happens

[zicke]

The universe isn't throwing him in your path, he is doing it because he knows you are an easy mark. Sweetie--I have done this, I had the same thoughts, the same rationalizations, the same fatedness feelings. It was me doing it to me. I should have left him when he cancelled the wedding a month before the event! That was our first breakup--but I didn't, I stuck around for more, believing that we were meant to be together.

 

Love isn't painful like this, love doesn't bring you down, it doesn't piss on your self-esteem. It is supposed to add to your life, not take away from it.

 

A man who truly is able to make the commitment to you will do it, and he will not back out of it over and over again only to come back, and then take it away again.

 

It is emotionally abusive. You are so stuck on the high's that you aren't even taking a clear look at your relation**** for what it is---crap. I can guarantee that you have not known what it is like to feel secure in this relation**** with him. There was probably always an underlying feeling of something not right.

 

I moved in an out with my ex 9 times! I could kick myself. If someone gave me a contract to sign the day I met my ex, and in that contract it stated everything that he would do to me, how much my self esteem would dive, how much money I had to spend moving, paying for stuff, how many times he would be deliberately cruel, how many times I was disrespected, how much ad nauseum---I would have run as fast as my feet could have taken me. I spent way too many years and way too many tears on a man that would not, could not be in a stable, loving committed relationship.

 

Look within, ask yourself why you think that this is the best that you deserve. Once you realize that you are selling yourself short, and really realize it, not just intellecualize it, feel it. You will want to move on from him.

 

I did not intend to embarass you, if so, I apologize. However, you need to see just how desperate this man has made you. I have been exactly where you are--same place. Same feelings, same anxiety of wanting anyone to make sense of the situation. Of someone who has been in your situation and made it work. I have been searching for 3 years. I have not found 1 person who made it work with a man that dumped them repeatedly. In the whole wide internet world, not one. I and you will not be the first. I am sorry. You will meet someone who will be there for you and never be ok with you walking out of their life. They would never repeatedly torture you like he is. Because it is, it is torture. Emotional torture. He is broken. Do not let him break you!

[zicke]

I also wanted to add that you felt this was karma, maybe it was. But every relationship and how our partners treat us is a mirror of how we feel about ourselves internally. See, any healthy person would have not let someone in again who had done this before. I was not healthy, I was desperate for someone to love me, anyone for that matter. I did not hold up to the standards I always said I wanted. I sold myself short, and boy oh boy did I get what I paid for.

 

Seriously, demand a higher price. Do not sell your future so cheaply. The man keeps haggling with you, bringing your price down. Aren't you more valuable?

 

Find someone who is willing to pay and do the work to be with you. And knows the value of what they have.

 

Until you learn to love and value yourself, the universe will continue to throw him in your path. It is up to you to say goodbye permanently, because he never will, and you will be in the same place 10, 20 30 years from now. Say no, and get on with your life. You are worth more.

[Kellicakes]

 

Seriously, demand a higher price. Do not sell your future so cheaply. The man keeps haggling with you, bringing your price down. Aren't you more valuable?

 

 

Love this! Very nicely put.

[t_veron]

We only hear your side of the story so there may be pieces you're leaving out. Maybe you need drama? Maybe you are afraid of real commitment? Maybe all you know is a unhealthy relationship? Maybe you're a control freak who didn't get her way and are obsessed?

 

Not trying to put you down but to make a point. This will never get better. The best part of the relationship is over. At this point you are enabling his lack of respect for you. You are as much to blame as he is. Without knowing the dynamics of the relationship it sounds like YOU have to be the stronger one between the both of you and walk away.

 

Have a higher self-estem for yourself and demand respect from the next guy. Chalk this up as a learning experience for the next guy.

[galicat]

thank you for your personal and direct repsonces. I think i remember you emailing me on 'plentyoffish'. the fact you ahve been through the same thing smacks me in the face. calling off a wedding a month before??!! its scary but i could actually see my ex doing that he such a selfish and self ritious yo-yo.

 

I don't know where i get this low self esteam from. im pretty sucessful in what i do and am lucky to have great friends and many interests. mybe it was a bit of an unstable upbringing and my father falling ill. whatever the reason i know you are right and i need to feel it deep down. i think im a good person. i know i am, that is why i have put my foot down when the c**p got bad again rather than letting him dominate and manipulate. why oh why i have given him more chances i will never know but i have not known such secutiy and happiness like i have felt in that relationship and ironically have also felt the absolute more horrible inverse. im convinced he has NPD or BPD. i don't acccept falure so maybe thats anothger reason i've kept looking for hope.

 

You have been very kind, as have loads of people and my friends and family. i must value myself more and not let him kill my character for their sake as they have shown suport and faith in me it is my obligation. it's soo hard though when the person that causes you the most pain is also the only one that can take it away again. its probably not too different from a drug addiction and i need to start recognising it as they and break the ties to my heart that make me feel like it is ok to care and love him and look forward answers when it is all just ****ed. how embarassing.

 

i'm 31 and iv been round and roun in circles with this guy for years. i had been in love before but never felt the sinergy like i did with him. the passion and love is still there no matter how much adversity and cold water has been tipped on it and that is why its soo hard to accept its 100% the end. that and the fact he is still in my life. turning up and crossing my path and wanting to be firends. it's easier to hate him and never to see him. also the whole business with the house and separating. its been a nightmare but now it's done and i can finally get on with finding my true inner strength and being myself for myself again and hopfully, very soon, i my blood pressure wont change at all if i see him or hear about him

[galicat]

i've just been reading about self love. i don't think im short of it. the reasons i have repeated my mistakes dont appear to be why allot of others do this. iv been thinking and feeling this and the best explaination i have is that i actualy love myself allot and am quite arrogant in a way because i can't beleive somone could treat me like this and i am more in shock and disbelief and that is probably why i have not fully accepted the truth - because i rate myself too highly rather than the other way around. i am kind of anxious though that the kind of men i like don't like me and i was very lucky to have what i had so maybe i do have a problem - complex stuff. a psychologist would have a feild day with me!

[Kamille]

i've just been reading about self love. i don't think im short of it. the reasons i have repeated my mistakes dont appear to be why allot of others do this. iv been thinking and feeling this and the best explaination i have is that i actualy love myself allot and am quite arrogant in a way because i can't beleive somone could treat me like this and i am more in shock and disbelief and that is probably why i have not fully accepted the truth - because i rate myself too highly rather than the other way around. i am kind of anxious though that the kind of men i like don't like me and i was very lucky to have what i had so maybe i do have a problem - complex stuff. a psychologist would have a feild day with me!

 

Ok, but if your love for yourself is so strong, why do you need someone else to validate it?

 

I ask because I had the same problem and I realized that there's a difference between self-esteem and "ego-esteem". Your self can let go of things because the self knows you are a strong person. But your ego is the one that makes you want to "shake him". Shake him so that he wakes up to what? So that he finally accepts your version of what your relationship should be - Your ego wants to be validated by having HIM treat you the way your self knows you should be treated.

 

Let him go.

[galicat]

interesting and probably quite accurate thanks

[sedgwick]

Seriously, demand a higher price. Do not sell your future so cheaply. The man keeps haggling with you, bringing your price down. Aren't you more valuable?

 

Find someone who is willing to pay and do the work to be with you. And knows the value of what they have.

 

Hello, you are awesome and I love you.