kjoy82 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Thank you again Carhil for your words of wisdom . I think that that is a great idea! And that is exactly what I am going to do. Have a wonderful holiday !!!
smileysmile Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I have obviously missed something here? 2 years is a long time to be apart. Was there NC in that time? I know what you mean about compatibility. My experiences there have taught me, and it's subject to change in life, that two people can be compatible and have chemistry but still have an unhealthy R due to a myriad of psychological factors ranging from attachment style to abuse background to mental illness.Carhill hit the nail on the head here. I had the chemistry and compatiabilty with STBXW but our 2.5 yr R became unhealthy due to sometimes very toxic arguments. And they were totally unnecessary. They really were. Sadly I had these things going around in my head. Insecurities etc So to this day 12 months S in different rooms and 9 mths S from marital home. I still beat myself up over it. It is me who needs to change. And why I am like this. So 2 years S? Is there nobody else in that time that you have wanted to have a R with? That is a long time to be single. There are so many oportunities out there
Author kjoy82 Posted May 27, 2008 Author Posted May 27, 2008 Yep! There was no NC. It was very hard for me to do that. But I knew that it was for my well being. Our relationship was non toxic. We did not argue hardly at all. I am one of those who will only argue if it is necessary or important. Life is way too short and precious to argue over the small and petty stuff. I have dated over the last 2 years. But have not met the one ! Most men are in a relationship with someone .... and still looking. OR! They are married and still looking! And I will not go there!!!! Or (once again) they are so messed up from thier previous relationships that they could never trust another woman again .... I try not to lose hope! lol So what are those changes that you need to make within yourself?
smileysmile Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 Hmm dating? Does that mean they have all been non-sexual? Am I right on thinking Americans dating is non sexual and here in the UK if we say we are dating then it involves sexual contact Can any of us after a period of time like you and I reconcile with our exes if there had been sexual activities with other people? Can we get past that? Me and my changes? I need to be more tolerent to indifferences. To not misinterpret what my ex or anybody infact is saying to me. Though I have no problem(s) outside this R. It was my insecurities. You would have to read my original thread for my situation. Most of all though. The major change has to be me blowing my top over spilt milk. Looking back I could have gone about things differently. More calmly and think before I open my gob!! My ex has had her share of being dumped in the 3.5 yrs before meeting me. And at one time called all men b*stards! She has to realise she has brought into our R 'issues' stemming from those relationships. They do effect you and when like in our R I am trying to get my point across I think I am not being heard then the heat builds up and I can tell you although my ex is placid and laidback she has learnt over the years to defend herself. Then we were like 2 storms in a teacup raher than one being the 'calm.' I realise I can't say nasty things in the heat of an argument. Arguing can be healthy but not when ranting nasty words to hurt the one she are supposed to love. Other than that we got on great
Author kjoy82 Posted May 28, 2008 Author Posted May 28, 2008 Hi smileysmile, I did go back and read your original thread. You and your wife both sure have been through alot. I know its hard but if you really want to get back with your wife and child.... take care of yourself first. Make sure you have taken care of all those little insecurities that you may have. Once you have done that then you are ready to approach your wife. Hopefully she will do the samething. And if the two of you decide to do it together that would be great. But in all honesty niether one of you should have a third party or whatever you want to call them in the picture. When you have a third party involved.... it takes your focus and your time that should be spent only on yourself and with your partner. The main thing though .... is to take care of yourself. My father always said.... "Take care of yourself and eveything else will fall into place as it should". He was a very wise man .......
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