Getting Married!!

[TMichaels]

The only thing I would be asking is if he has approximately the same assets as you. If he doesn't' date=' make sure you protect yours before you get married or live together for any length of time. Where I live, you only have to live together for 6 months (not be legally married) and the courts consider the assets as joint assets. That's the only thing I'd be wary of. If he's got more than you to lose, then it's all good and you'll be safe in this respect.[/quote']

 

Krisa,

 

Since you *do* own personal property (your house/cars) and you've noted that your fiancée has less material worth, have you considered a prenuptial agreement? I realize some people don't consider them "romantic," and in some countries (i.e. Ireland) they aren't even recognized, but they do make sense when as HisLove has noted, two partners have disparate net worths.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[shadowplay]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you come off as very naive. It's easy to have good judgement about the lives of others, but sometimes the most sensible among us lose all sense when it comes to our own.

 

Don't mistake your own confidence for truth. Some of the worst decisions I've made I've been the most confident about. Just "feeling" something with absolute certainty isn't enough. You can't predict the future. You don't have enough evidence to say what he's really like or whether you're well-matched.

 

I don't care how many hours you've spent over the phone or online talking. You don't really know a person until you've interacted A LONG TIME in person. Being with someone as they live their day to day lives is very different from having "deep" talks over the phone. You have to think about this rationally, and you're not. You're rationalizing but you're not being rational.

 

Right now you guys are in the infatuation stage; you don't know what he'll be like or your dynamic will be like once the glow fades.

 

Why rush it? If you really believe your relationship is strong then certainly it can withstand half a year of getting to know each other in person. The very fact that you're so eager to rush into it and not wait when there is no real harm in waiting suggests that you aren't completely confident. Your eagerness betrays your own insecurity.

[shadowplay]

I do understand, but those people that felt that way was the other persons feelings mutual, how old were they (more important how mature were they when they made those decisions?). We have to make sure we are comparing apples to apples.

 

I see a lot of miss matched relationships, one person gives the other person takes... I have ZERO tolerance for this (you can read my past comments to other on that topic)... My relationship with my SO is so effortless and natural, nothing forced...we really are equal in our love for one another....i think that is missing from a lot of relationships.

 

 

Who knows I may be wrong...and it will blow up in my face...but the last 7 months I have been nothing but happy with my SO...how many people can say that???

 

You don't HAVE a relationship. Talking over the phone and seeing each other for three weeks in person is not comparable to a real relationship.

 

How can you know whether you're well-matched or whether you have a good dynamic until you've actually interacted for a significant time in person?

 

All those stressful situations that try relationships happen in person...after the honeymoon phase is over. Of course you guys never fight because you've never been in a situation where a fight would occur. Talking over the phone, in your own little bubble removed from the world, is completely different from interacting in person. Don't you see this?

 

It's like applying results in an artificial lab setting to real life where there are a million more variables.

[shadowplay]

Are you worried that if you don't get married right away, one of you will have a change of heart? What is there to lose by spending a little time together beforehand?

 

I'm wondering the same thing.

[Ariadne]

Oh' date=' Ariadne always goes against the grain. [/quote']

 

Oh,

 

It sure turns out that way most of the time.

 

In this case, the girl already has the tickets, the venue, the photographer, the dress. It's a done deal.

 

She didn't post this thread for you to tell her what she should do instead.

 

Oh, cancel the wedding, get a French passport, rent your house, and go live there and see what happens, etc.

 

I can see your points, but she already made up her mind and has all these illusions.

 

How good is to tell her of all the things that might go wrong?

 

Your points do make sense and maybe someone else would go that route.

 

And I can see that Krisa is taking a big risk to go things this way but she made her choice.

 

All that is left to do is hope for the best now. Like her family is doing.

 

She is happy. She will be a bride in a couple months.

[Nevermind]

You don't HAVE a relationship. Talking over the phone and seeing each other for three weeks in person is not comparable to a real relationship.

 

A distance relationship, however it started, is still a relationship. I agree, that you should be in the physical presence of each other a lot before getting married, but that's another story. In every relationship, there is a honeymoon-phase, and then there is the normal day-to-day life. It lacks physical contact, but that does not make it inferior per se.

 

I agree with Ariadne: it's a done deal. While 8 months are not enough, in my book, to get married..it's her choice.

[shadowplay]

A distance relationship, however it started, is still a relationship. I agree, that you should be in the physical presence of each other a lot before getting married, but that's another story. In every relationship, there is a honeymoon-phase, and then there is the normal day-to-day life. It lacks physical contact, but that does not make it inferior per se.

 

I agree with Ariadne: it's a done deal. While 8 months are not enough, in my book, to get married..it's her choice.

 

I disagree...it's only a relationship once there's been at least 1-2 months of IN PERSON contact. Talking online is an artificial simulation of a relationship.

 

After finishing the thread, I agree that it's a done deal. The OP is too stubborn and immature to heed the advice of others.

[Nevermind]

If that is your opinion, than you're in the wrong forum. Sorry to say it, but it's the LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP forum, and according to you, everyone here is delusional. Which, I can assure you, is not the case.

 

You don't believe in LDR's, fine. But that's just your opinion, not necesarily the truth.

 

OP: I think you're rushing. I wish you the best, but I hope you'll talk advice and concern from people you really know more to heart than you showed here. There are some things you have to take into consideration. But it's your life, and everybody has to live it the way they want.

 

Good luck!

 

Edit:

After finishing the thread, I agree that it's a done deal. The OP is too stubborn and immature to heed the advice of others.

Did you listen to anybody who said "don't get involved with the best friend"? Everybody makes their own mistakes. No reason for insults. Just saying.

[Krisa]

Just some thoughts....

 

It is a done deal...I am getting married. Everything is bought and paid for...Even the custom wedding bands.

 

We have talked about a prenuptial agreement, and He agreed to sign, but I found that the state that I live ins laws state that what i possess before the wedding is mine, and vise versa. Besides, I just bought this house in December. I think he is entitled to half after all he will be making half the payments and helping with the decorating and some remodeling (okay maybe more then some). It's not like I've been here for nearly 30 years and almost have the place payed off.

 

I know most marriages end in divorce... and I can't not predict the future, I don't know if this will be forever, and even if we spend 6 months or more in the same country before we marry, I will still not know.

 

Also, thank you EVERYONE for the advise positive or negative... My brain IS going a million miles a second, and I have taken in consideration what everyone is saying. I don't want to be blindsided...I really am the type that analyzes everything...and plays out the WHAT IF'S.

 

I have also express my concern with my fiance...and one of those was, "are you worried that we haven't spent enough time together". We both realize that we are not perfect, and that we are not going to like everything about each other, but we are both willing to work on it. Neither of us are one to just give up quickly...marriage is hard work... and we both realize that

[Nevermind]

Krisa, even if there is no apparent need for a prenup, I would still go for it. He agreed, so it won't be a problem. Just double-checking. It's great that you can talk about this without any trouble.

[shadowplay]

If that is your opinion, than you're in the wrong forum. Sorry to say it, but it's the LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP forum, and according to you, everyone here is delusional. Which, I can assure you, is not the case.

 

You don't believe in LDR's, fine. But that's just your opinion, not necesarily the truth.

 

OP: I think you're rushing. I wish you the best, but I hope you'll talk advice and concern from people you really know more to heart than you showed here. There are some things you have to take into consideration. But it's your life, and everybody has to live it the way they want.

 

Good luck!

 

Edit:

Did you listen to anybody who said "don't get involved with the best friend"? Everybody makes their own mistakes. No reason for insults. Just saying.

 

 

You're jumping to conclusions. I never said a long distance relationship isn't valid, but usually in a LDR the couple has spent more than three weeks together in person. Talking a lot online and seeing each other for three weeks in person does not constitute a real relationship, imo.

 

My personal problems are irrelevant to this discussion. You're violating the rules of the forum by bringing that into the fray, so actually you're the one being inappropriate here. I have never demeaned people who respond to my threads simply because they disagree with my choices, which is what this poster is doing.

[Krisa]

If that is your opinion, than you're in the wrong forum. Sorry to say it, but it's the LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP forum, and according to you, everyone here is delusional. Which, I can assure you, is not the case.

 

I posted in this forum for that reason...I really hate when people say I'm not in a REAL relationship. I'll be the judge of that. You can't make up what we feel for each other.

 

I really don't feel like I'm rushed... I'm the one that started the marriage talk... I wanted to be together... if we were in the same country we would wait to get married. Unfortunately, we are not...and its more practical for him to move to the US, then for me to go to the UK. In order for him to do that we have to get married. Yes, he could be sponsored by his brother...but that could take years and its not guaranteed (neither is us getting married, but it definitely put him in 1st priority). I don't want to wait years!

[Leia]

You're jumping to conclusions. I never said a long distance relationship isn't valid, but usually in a LDR the couple has spent more than three weeks together in person. Talking a lot online and seeing each other for three weeks in person does not constitute a real relationship, imo.

 

My personal problems are irrelevant to this discussion. You're violating the rules of the forum by bringing that into the fray, so actually you're the one being inappropriate here. I have never demeaned people who respond to my threads simply because they disagree with my choices, which is what this poster is doing.

 

Whoa. NICE!!!!

 

Shadowplay, I think we have to agree that people tend to jump into conclusions here.

[sb129]

Oh,

 

It sure turns out that way most of the time.

 

In this case, the girl already has the tickets, the venue, the photographer, the dress. It's a done deal.

 

She didn't post this thread for you to tell her what she should do instead.

 

Oh, cancel the wedding, get a French passport, rent your house, and go live there and see what happens, etc.

 

I can see your points, but she already made up her mind and has all these illusions.

 

How good is to tell her of all the things that might go wrong?

 

Your points do make sense and maybe someone else would go that route.

 

And I can see that Krisa is taking a big risk to go things this way but she made her choice.

 

All that is left to do is hope for the best now. Like her family is doing.

 

She is happy. She will be a bride in a couple months.

 

Then why start a thread about it?

 

 

I know most marriages end in divorce... and I can't not predict the future, I don't know if this will be forever, and even if we spend 6 months or more in the same country before we marry, I will still not know.

 

Also, thank you EVERYONE for the advise positive or negative... My brain IS going a million miles a second, and I have taken in consideration what everyone is saying. I don't want to be blindsided...I really am the type that analyzes everything...and plays out the WHAT IF'S.

 

I have also express my concern with my fiance...and one of those was, "are you worried that we haven't spent enough time together". We both realize that we are not perfect, and that we are not going to like everything about each other, but we are both willing to work on it. Neither of us are one to just give up quickly...marriage is hard work... and we both realize that

 

Well Krisa, maybe your head isn't SO far up in the clouds.

 

You know, I know what its like to be excited about getting married, I am planning a wedding too.

I can't wait to see Wonderboys face when I walk up the aisle in the dress of my dreams.

The thing that I am most excited about though, is being Wonderboys wife, and sharing our life together- having kids, all that.

I have seen a few brides to be get SO caught up in the minutiae of the wedding, that they didn't really think much PAST that point.

.

You guys obviously have- you have to, otherwise you won't be able to even live together after you are married.

Be careful of the trap that I fell into when I was seeing a married man- every step was "After X, Y, Z.... is when we will truly be able to be happy"

If you are constantly waiting for something to happen so that you can be happy (in my case it was for him to leave his wife, in yours its all the international stuff) its sometimes hard to focus on anything else.

 

I was focusing SO much on my exMM leaving his wife and each "next step" etc etc that I didn't see the wood for the trees- which was that we were very very incompatible. He left his W BTW, I even discussed having a child with him and getting married after his divorce was finalised. (eek).

 

So my experiences gave me quite a rude wake up call in the end, and I made a lucky escape.

So if it seems like I am being negative- I'm not. Nobody really told me when I was hurtling headfirst towards heartbreak that I was making a mistake- a few tried, but I just thought the same as what you did- that they didn't understand.

They were all right all along, and I really hope that people aren't right about your situation Krisa, everyone deserves to be happy.

 

WB and I have had fights, we share a bedroom, and I am still 98% (the reason its not 100% is because of the unknown and because I am enough of a realist to know that) that he is the man I still want to share my life with after the wedding cake has gone stale.

 

Luckily for us, we have quite a few other things to do before the wedding (move countries, travel etc) so the wedding is not taking over our (my) lives.

 

Talking things through is good- but often its not a good enough substitute for experiencing the "what ifs?" first hand.

 

i hope there aren't too many of them.

[Krisa]

Krisa, even if there is no apparent need for a prenup, I would still go for it. He agreed, so it won't be a problem. Just double-checking. It's great that you can talk about this without any trouble.

 

We talk about everything without any problems...I'm not afraid to bring up any topic...not even this forum..everyone makes valid points, and I express my concern to him.

 

I think it's been really helpful...we talk about well...what concern everyone here has had.

[Nevermind]

My personal problems are irrelevant to this discussion. You're violating the rules of the forum by bringing that into the fray, so actually you're the one being inappropriate here. I have never demeaned people who respond to my threads simply because they disagree with my choices, which is what this poster is doing.

I apologize if I overstepped a border. You never demeaned anybody, this is correct, but neither did you follow advice. And you were starting to be insulting here. I know, Krisa hasn't behaved appropriate either, but two wrongs don't make one right.

Again, I am sorry if I overstepped a border. I was not aware that it's not okay to adress anybody's history unless being asked beforehand. My intent was simply to show you that not listening to advice doesn't necesarily mean that you're being immature. I thought that this would be clearer if I used an example that you knew.

 

 

My jumping to conclusions: there are a lot of relationships here that started exactly like Krisa's, people who have not been with each other in person for 2 months, and who are very much in a relationship. I am just saying, that simply because it isn't a relationship for you, doesn't mean it can't be for anyone else.

[sb129]

We talk about everything without any problems...I'm not afraid to bring up any topic...not even this forum..everyone makes valid points, and I express my concern to him.

 

I think it's been really helpful...we talk about well...what concern everyone here has had.

 

I was going to ask you if you had discussed the forum with him.

 

I agree with the pre-nup idea- regardless of the laws of your state a legal document would make it watertight.

 

You should be entitled to a bigger share of house sale seeing as you paid the deposit etc.

 

please protect yourself- if thats the only thing you take away from this forum.

[HisLove]

OK, well you said you owned your home and a (couple of?) cars. That is different to not having any equity.

 

While I don't know all the laws that apply everywhere, I have been burned by an exhusband tripling his investment when I had more than 90% of the assets when we met. We were together for 9 years, so just goes to show you don't know who you are really married to.

 

So the thing I'd be checking legally is not where you live, but where you get married. Which laws apply to divorce & property settlement? Again, I don't know, but try to make sure you do. You may have guessed that I live in a commonwealth country so that's why I keep hinting this stuff to you .

 

If he's been working in a professional role for so long, why doesn't he have any assets? You haven't said whether he has any children or not (or I missed it if you did).

[Habibti]

I was at a couples house tonight...and they only knew each other 6 weeks before they got married. They will be celebrating there 14th wedding anniversary this year. The best part is...how in love they still are... They are so cute together. I really think that my SO and I have that...and will continue to have that. (i know...I could be wrong...but I'll never find out, if i let it slip away)

 

Ah, finally we are coming to a head. You just said you will never know if you let it slip away. Why oh why on god's green earth do you believe that if you don't get married right away it's going to slip away? You may not like being called naive and you may take it as an insult but with all due respect you are only 27 years old, the fact that you have never been married makes you naive about it. That is NOT a bad thing! You say that you went to the house of a couple who has been married for 14 years after 6 weeks, congratulations to them that is wonderful and I'm glad it worked out for them. I always like to hear about people who are actually happy married. I think it's really beautiful.

 

However, what concerns me and should concern you- is not so much the date- but the attitude behind the date. You really believe that not marrying him ASAP will mean losing him- that is ENTIRELY the wrong attitude to go into marrying a person with.

[Krisa]

 

If he's been working in a professional role for so long, why doesn't he have any assets? You haven't said whether he has any children or not (or I missed it if you did).

 

Well..he lives in a home that has been passed down through the family, and legally the home is his mothers, she doesn't live with him...but the house is in her name. Does that make sense? He has guitars (ha ha) well he had 16 and has sold 6 of them, to help pay for the wedding...that made me feel really bad.

 

NO...he doesn't have any children and neither do I. His ex wife had three children, and he helped raise them (well for 10 years), he is still in contact with them. The oldest on a regular basis.

[Krisa]

I

 

However, what concerns me and should concern you- is not so much the date- but the attitude behind the date. You really believe that not marrying him ASAP will mean losing him- that is ENTIRELY the wrong attitude to go into marrying a person with.

 

 

I never said that I had to marry him ASAP because I was afraid to lose him. That's not it at all. I want to marry him because I LOVE HIM! He would wait for me...I really believe that, and I would do the same.

 

We love each other very much and want to be together, that is why we are getting married.

[Mary3]

Well first of all Krisa , You do not LOVE this man. He does not LOVE you. You both have to spend a lonnnnnnnng time together and AFTER the goods and bads and internal stressors and the extreme rough spots do you come to a point of * love *. Real love takes MANY many months.

 

You wonder why so many brides marry with that happy bombastic look on their and then 6 months later they hate eachothers guts and each is trying to protect their assets. ??

 

Ever see 2 people HATE eachother on their wedding day ? Of course not , silly. Its a day of blindness GALORE . Later much later do you get sick and tired of the * funny things he did that were quirky but interesting * now become a HUGE obstacle

 

You are infatuated right now. So is he. Your brain in on fire. So is his. Your heart is beating quite faster when you hear him calling you.

 

But the mere FACTS are :

 

You must spend QUANTITY REAL TIME with someone and after all the lifes challenges can you say after a lonnnnnng period of going through everything that you * love * him.

 

You must not mind his stinky socks , his belching , his gaseous flatulence, his loud snoring , his going ballistic over small things ( that you never noticed before because you have spent LITTLE REAL TIME with this stranger.

He is in fact a stranger until you deeply get to know him. and I dont mean web cams . texts , chats or phones. I MEAN be around him for MONTHS !

 

Saying you never fight or have major dissagreements is DANGEROUS because it means you have not ( and don't want to ) cross into that territory because you fear it might destroy your playland.

 

Marry him ? Not for at least 2 years ? Love ? No ? But you dont believe that from the stranger. So just move in together. Thats a FAST way to melt the snowman sooner.

[lovestruck818]

OK, well you said you owned your home and a (couple of?) cars. That is different to not having any equity.

 

While I don't know all the laws that apply everywhere, I have been burned by an exhusband tripling his investment when I had more than 90% of the assets when we met. We were together for 9 years, so just goes to show you don't know who you are really married to.

 

So the thing I'd be checking legally is not where you live, but where you get married. Which laws apply to divorce & property settlement? Again, I don't know, but try to make sure you do. You may have guessed that I live in a commonwealth country so that's why I keep hinting this stuff to you .

 

If he's been working in a professional role for so long, why doesn't he have any assets? You haven't said whether he has any children or not (or I missed it if you did).

 

Just so you know...and sorry to get technical here...but a house is not an asset, it's actually a liability.

[Mary3]

I would also be concerned of hidden agendas :

 

1. Wants to get in the US but not because of you .

2. I notice you pay alot for everything , could he be a Sugar baby ?

3. You really don't know if he is a sex offender or anything else other than what he has told you.

 

Thats just 3 I could think of ....

[Krisa]

1. Wants to get in the US but not because of you

.

 

He can get in the US without me...his brother can sponsor his visa.

 

2. I notice you pay alot for everything , could he be a Sugar baby ?

 

I never said I payed for everything...I pay for what is mine, and he pays for what is his. Actually, he has paid for more wedding stuff then I have...

 

We pretty much have split it down the middle...but he took on a little more of the wedding stuff, since I had to get a plane ticket and a visa.

 

3. You really don't know if he is a sex offender or anything else other than what he has told you.

 

If he was a sex offender that would have came out...when we filed for the visa...actually we have to list any criminal activity...so i think that is a big negative.