Update on MM's 'plan'

[frannie]

I think you're right (above) where you say that we should be with people who make us feel good about ourselves, for certain. But that should be a two-way street, right?

 

im at that point where i cant just keep loving & adoring & excusing his behavior anymore. if he really does feel that way then he needs to prove it to me. otherwise they are just empty words, MAYBE said to make me feel special so id have an A w/ him and MAYBE meant, but not meant 'enough' to do anything about them.

 

... im prepared to give him up forever if he cant give me what he says he wants. but my only problem is, what to do w/ all these leftover feelings?!?! these feelings of love that i dont want to be there anymore but they still are. and hate when i think, what if he just said all this stuff to get in my pants & now that hes done hes moving on? these feelings of wondering what the truth really was/ is. and these feelings of being used, naive, but at the same time selfish B/C i DID want him to leave his W, & i WAS helping him cheat on her.

 

This is the best position you could possibly be in, NES. The part I bolded above is I believe critical if NC is going to work for you. The chances of you giving in and listening to his words are going to be much, much reduced if you keep feeling this way: it's better not to have him at all if you can't have him the way you need him to be. That's good!!

 

Then you asked about all those worries and leftover feelings. And I was reading that and about to write to you about NOT thinking about this stuff any more. It's completely counter-productive. You will not know the answer to all that for some time to come (i.e. if he does or doesn't leave after a considerable time) and by then... it won't matter so much to you at all.

 

This is the best thing you can do, yes!:

 

... i have to do something about these feelings besides wallow. i can admit theyre there like you do but i also want to try to have HAPPY feelings & these make me sad. i was just reading this little book i have called Ever Wonder & it says "to change your reality' date=' change your focus."[/b']

 

... im going to get my lazy butt out of my bed/ off my laptop & go to the gym. Not for XMM but for me. then im going to go into my office & organize it. ive been so focused on XMM that i havent really concentrated at work & ive been really disorganized & distracted. so now im going to FOCUS on work, while hes not around to confuse me, & make it a place just for me, where i can IGNORE him & focus on me.

 

Exactly! NC for you, and then focus on your life. Any time your thoughts start to wonder to... what's he thinking, what will he do? was it all lies? was I a fool..? STOP, and go and do something else instead. It works, take it from me

[neverendingsaga]

Thanks frannie, you are so encouraging. i feel like you really get me. i will continue w/ NC & focus on me.

[NewSunrise]

By changing my reality i mean: my reality WAS all about XMM. i was a person who was in love w/ someone who was married to someone else. i wanted to be w/ him. now my reality is not going to be all about XMM B/C i am shifting my focus. i am a person who is in love w/ myself. i dont know what will happen w/ xMMs' M or D & i no longer chose to invest so much energy into caring. whatever happens w/ him & his M is his business. i am my own person & i can only control what happens to me. i no longer want to be waiting for him to get D'ed' date=' so that is no longer my reality. i no longer want my happiness to depend on what HE does about his own M. my reality is: if he gets D'ed, we will see. in the meantime, its all about me, NOT XMM & not even me & XMM. i hope that makes more sense now.[/quote']

You are finally getting what it means to ELEVATE your self worth! You do this long enough, you won't think much about him other than you might beat yourself for having to put up with him that long.

 

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS"

Your are now begninng to adjust yours. Good for you!!!!

[neverendingsaga]

You are finally getting what it means to ELEVATE your self worth! You do this long enough, you won't think much about him other than you might beat yourself for having to put up with him that long.

 

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS"

 

Your are now begninng to adjust yours. Good for you!!!!

 

thanks newsunrise. sometimes i feel strong by keeping NC & at other moments im faking it til i make it!

[NewSunrise]

thanks newsunrise. sometimes i feel strong by keeping NC & at other moments im faking it til i make it!

You gotta start somewhere. You've already defined that moment and that IS to move on and work on yourself.

 

In your earlier post, you said the following...

'i think shes getting suspicious, but not about you.' when i asked him to explain he had this long drawn out story about his wife being suspicious because one woman told her that she was talking to another woman who was raving about how she always golfs with him and he is such a great golfer etc.

This is his subtle way of telling you he wants the A with you to end in a cowardly quiet way. I say "subtle" because he's got more to lose if he were to flat out tell you to end it. ONE sticking reason is the fact that you two work together. So, in his grand "plan" or scheme, if you are out of the picture "professionally" it kills his W's suspicion. My guess is that his W already knows it's you and not some other gal he's concocted. BUT don't dismiss the thought that there is a possibility there is actually someone else besides you.

 

Some MM do D their W for their OW. And then there are those MM who are habitual cheaters. My hunch is that your MM is the latter. The fact that he even had the audacity to suggest that YOU should be the one to find another job speaks volume of his character and where his priorities are. His priorities are to himself and himself only.

 

Ask yourself this question. If your MM had to choose between you and his W, whom do you think would he throw a life preserver to if faced in a life and death situation? You or his W? IF you have ANY doubts at all that it be you, then yes, you are absolutely right when you said in your earlier post, "this isn't what love is supposed to be." If it were genuine love, you are supposed to be able to trust it. But in so many of your replies and post, it is filled with anguish, distrust, insecure, and uncertainty which all has nothing to do with love at all, does it? Then truly ask yourself, is this how you imagined love is to be? If the answer is no, then what and how is it supposed to be for you?

 

Rather than just a NC, do NCFG (No Contact For Good) and tell him bah-bye. As you said...it's all about you now, right? Don't ever sell yourself short. Keep working on yourself. Turn this experience into a positive challenge.

 

And if your MM ends up divorcing his W and chooses you then consider it a "bonus" point. When it gets to that point, the next challenge will be whether or not you'll be willing to take him back and "relearn" to trust him again.

 

You really have to think hard and understand that these feelings of distrust aren't just going away even after the divorce papers have been signed and recorded.

 

The more pressing question is do you think you deserve better? And if you ARE certain without a doubt that YOU deserve better then yes, you are beginning to elevate your self-worth. Life isn't meant to be easy. Recovering from an A nor a D are NOT meant to be easy. You'll survive this A and MM.

 

Believe that you deserve better.