pentacle Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Plan is to put it out in the open, but there may be repercussions.......................!!! Honestly, does he think you are stupid and haven't thought these things out in your head over many many months? And it would be easier if you changed your job? What about him doing that, he is the married person after all and is more likely to be judged. Surely, he has proved he has not listened to anything you have said, because he hasn't even formulated a plan, except on the hoof because you forced him. Do you want someone that doesn't listen and obviously does not want you in any other form than OW, because he has made no move whatsoever to change that status.
pelicanpreacher Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Don't beat yourself up for being duped. Everyone is succeptable to being conned...especially in matters of the heart. I recently lost what I thought to be a good woman just like you to a "mama's boy" just like him. This guy demanded to be the center of attention, craved the adoration of everyone around him, and manipulated people with more womanly wiles than all the women I've ever known in my entire lifetime. He was married and put her through the same changes yours is putting you through. His wife (who made substantially more money than him and whose family came from money) eventually kicked him out but he still played games with my old girlfriend and had multiple affairs on her until she finally ended things with him. I, on the other hand, always treated this woman like a queen, never disrespected her, and was always there for her whenever she needed or wanted anything throughout our relationship. When I attempted to get back together with her after she finally came to her senses about him she projected all of his bad behavior on me and rejected me. Suffice it to say, we never resumed the relationship and I've definately toughened up since then. You're going to hurt for awhile because your feelings weren't a fantasy but as real as the nose on your face. It will be more difficult for you because you work with this individual. I don't have any advice there but to say become as selfish as you were selfless. Concentrate on you and you alone. Date and flaunt your new relationships in his face to bruise his ego and bring him down a peg or two. Of course always remain as sweet as pie whenever you interact with him but remember to maintain your conversational content to the realm of your profession, politics, or the weather. Of all the posts submitted I would strongly listen to the advice of Norajane. For the record, any man willing to discuss his finances or personal intimacies shared in his relationship (be he with a wife or girlfriend) with you then you'd better listen to the alarm bells ringing in your head because you're looking in the face of a Class A, B, or C "momma's boy". And if you meet some guy who carries himself as a real man who respects the boundaries set forth in how to conduct himself in a commited relationship and is willing and eager to devote himself heart and soul to you without reservation, please don't unload this relationship on him because you might lose the best thing that could have ever happened to you. He's out there waiting for you if you'll just give him a chance. I hope I'm not projecting! LOL! Good luck!
neverendingsaga Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Don't beat yourself up for being duped. Everyone is succeptable to being conned...especially in matters of the heart. I recently lost what I thought to be a good woman just like you to a "mama's boy" just like him. This guy demanded to be the center of attention, craved the adoration of everyone around him, and manipulated people with more womanly wiles than all the women I've ever known in my entire lifetime. He was married and put her through the same changes yours is putting you through. His wife (who made substantially more money than him and whose family came from money) eventually kicked him out but he still played games with my old girlfriend and had multiple affairs on her until she finally ended things with him. I, on the other hand, always treated this woman like a queen, never disrespected her, and was always there for her whenever she needed or wanted anything throughout our relationship. When I attempted to get back together with her after she finally came to her senses about him she projected all of his bad behavior on me and rejected me. Suffice it to say, we never resumed the relationship and I've definately toughened up since then. You're going to hurt for awhile because your feelings weren't a fantasy but as real as the nose on your face. It will be more difficult for you because you work with this individual. I don't have any advice there but to say become as selfish as you were selfless. Concentrate on you and you alone. Date and flaunt your new relationships in his face to bruise his ego and bring him down a peg or two. Of course always remain as sweet as pie whenever you interact with him but remember to maintain your conversational content to the realm of your profession, politics, or the weather. Of all the posts submitted I would strongly listen to the advice of Norajane. For the record, any man willing to discuss his finances or personal intimacies shared in his relationship (be he with a wife or girlfriend) with you then you'd better listen to the alarm bells ringing in your head because you're looking in the face of a Class A, B, or C "momma's boy". And if you meet some guy who carries himself as a real man who respects the boundaries set forth in how to conduct himself in a commited relationship and is willing and eager to devote himself heart and soul to you without reservation, please don't unload this relationship on him because you might lose the best thing that could have ever happened to you. He's out there waiting for you if you'll just give him a chance. I hope I'm not projecting! LOL! Good luck! thanks pelican for all the great advice. im sorry your ex did that to you. it sounds to me like she didnt know what she had. she doesnt deserve you, you can do way better. and you are so right about everything you said. i guess XMMs a mamas boy except his mom died when he was a young teenager. so maybe he is just always looking for his mama. i dont know. anyway, his problems arent mine anymore. i have followed your advice & everyone elses (i agree- norajane gives great advice!!!) & maintained NC. hes been texting me but ive been ignoring it. get this. yesterday i had an email from him on my work email saying, ive been trying to text you to see if i could please ask you a few questions? i emailed him back and said 'do not contact me while you are still married.' then he emailed ME back and said 'please dont send emails like this to the work account esp. over the weekend when im not there to delete them right away.' WTF?!?!?! i deleted his email without answering it. i decided that from now on whenever he contacts me im not even going to say 'no contact' because he KNOWS thats how i feel, hes just trying to test me. plus i cant win obviously- if i say 'no contact' he yells at me for sending a work email in RESPONSE to his work email!! grrrrrrrr then this morning theres ANOTHER email from him (on work acct!- he prolly can read my mind & knows i had already decided that if he emails my secret personal account we used, w/ the secret code on the work email to check it, that i wouldnt check it, and just delete the secret code work email too!!) . it said 'i guess from your lack of response (he gets a read receipt whenever i open his work emails, maybe another reason to use that acct) you are not interested in hearing my questions to you. in that case just ignore my other email. i get the message from you that you dont want to talk to me or have anything to do with me at all.' i know he wanted me to write him back and say 'untill you're D'ed' or something. oh F'in well. that one got deleted w/out a response too & i will continue that way untill he leaves me alone. now im in a strange emotional place, i feel strong & happy for ignoring him, like i did during the first couple weeks of NC before we broke it about his 'plan'. but i still miss him, esp. w/ the holiday, and i think of how we used to sit outside and drink coffee & eat breakfast. i mean what is wrong w/ me that im pining for a man who has PROVEN to be a jerk!!! i think i have issues LOL. but all i can do right now is focus on me & feel strong for not contacting him or responding to his contacts. b/c i really DON'T want him like that. it was easy to go on talking to him or breaking NC w/ the hope of a 'plan'. it is much harder to hold out for the entire thing i know i deserve- i'll prolly never get it from HIM but i'll find it from someone. at least now i know what NOT to look for... a MM LOL thx again for everyones help.
pelicanpreacher Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 This guy is too rich for words. His tenacity to get his way is only exceeded by the lengths and depths of manipulation he'll use to twist you to his will. If you've ever shown strength before you'd better show it now...because the real games have begun! Like I said, its going to be exceedingly difficult because you work with him and he has access to you through a myriad of media...including the workplace itself. The feelings you pine for can be compared to those of addicts going cold turkey. The drug of your nostalgia has a face on the packet...your MM's. I would suggest you crank up Hewey Lewis and the News "I Wanna New Drug", doll yourself up, and go out on the town with a gaggle of your girlfriends and go a little crazy"! Get reinvigorated by having a blast really blowing off some steam. If you can elevate your feelings of gratification, entitlement, and visions of a new future without him then maybe this will allow you to put your old feelings of nostalgia for the MM further in the distance....I'll bet you're humming the song right now, aren't you?! LOL;) You've got a humorous personality that shines through your threads. Take this advice Dave Chappell often uses to end some of his comedy bits... "Now go out there and be somebody!" and start getting some fun out of life. Good Luck,
neverendingsaga Posted May 27, 2008 Posted May 27, 2008 This guy is too rich for words. His tenacity to get his way is only exceeded by the lengths and depths of manipulation he'll use to twist you to his will. If you've ever shown strength before you'd better show it now...because the real games have begun! Like I said, its going to be exceedingly difficult because you work with him and he has access to you through a myriad of media...including the workplace itself. The feelings you pine for can be compared to those of addicts going cold turkey. The drug of your nostalgia has a face on the packet...your MM's. I would suggest you crank up Hewey Lewis and the News "I Wanna New Drug", doll yourself up, and go out on the town with a gaggle of your girlfriends and go a little crazy"! Get reinvigorated by having a blast really blowing off some steam. If you can elevate your feelings of gratification, entitlement, and visions of a new future without him then maybe this will allow you to put your old feelings of nostalgia for the MM further in the distance....I'll bet you're humming the song right now, aren't you?! LOL;) You've got a humorous personality that shines through your threads. Take this advice Dave Chappell often uses to end some of his comedy bits... "Now go out there and be somebody!" and start getting some fun out of life. Good Luck, thanks! im sure there is going to be some manipulation & game playing & other attempts to get at me coming my way from him. oh well. i hope that will just reinforce my decision to block him from my life. i am so tired of the drama & stress. i dont know that I Wanna New Drug song but im a dave chappelle fan thanks for the inspiration
biffster Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Well ... it's May 30th ... hope you have decided not to see him .... really and truly ... I broke it off with an MM at the end of March ... there has been NC ... before that, we were friends for years ... we had an EA .. he was/is unhappily married .. it just escalated and happened ... and once the boundary was crossed ... we couldn't go back ... so it had to end b/c no one was going to wait ... there were no ultimatums, nothing ... we just love each other very much ...he wasn't out looking for it ...he is young, etc., and so am I ... we both just feel in love ... it happened because of our strong friendship and bond ... took years before anything physical happened ... and it's not like we were looking for it to happen. My point is .... there was never this back and forth about waiting, not waiting, etc... but, after a certain point, everytime we were together I would be really happy and then crushed the next day ... an emotional wreck ... .. .so, the NC started in March ... and this week we spoke on the phone, which was OK ... but I still don't want to see him ... I am determined enough to move forward that a phone call every two/three weeks isn't going to set me back ... but, THEN ... out of the BLUE ... earlier this week he just showed up at my doorstep!!! I have been crying my eyes out for two days straight!!!!!!!! Each time we go back like this ... even if they come after us, it gets worse and worse ... Seeing him is going to set you back A LOT!!!!! If you think the phone call was bad, wait until you see him ... you are going to be a wreck!!!!!! Please don't see him ... if he already filed for divorce, was seperated, living in a seperate household and ready to move forward with his life and wanted you to be part of the new beginning ... (not part of the divorce, that's total BS if you ask me!!!) That would be one there ... ... but there is nothing for you to discuss ... no role in this for you -- thank GOD! This is between him, his wife and their attorney to figure out ... you don't want anything to do with it!!!!!!!!! Just keep moving forward and heal .. try not to even speculate and ask "what if" ... It is what it is right now ... and there is nothing there but heartache for you ... ... I know!!! We finally broke it off yesterday after I had several emotional breakdowns .... he saw that I could not handle it ... I wanted him to see that because I CANNOT HANDLE it .. and even if I/you/we could, why should we?????? Life is meant to be happy .. not miserable ... it is our choice ... you should not be patient ... you should move forward with your life and find happiness somewhere else ... ... now, I know that I am a wreck right now, but I also know that I can't wait for my MM ... never told him I was waiting, and he never told me to wait ... there is no room for this type of situation in my life ... and there is no room in it for his ... I will not sit around like the happy little friend who can just turn her emotions on and off ... I would be kicking and screaming through the whole thing ... and, unless he wants THAT in his life ... and WHO DOES? He would be best to leave me alone ... I think he knows that now .... so, at this point, I don't even have to tell the MM not to contact me until he gets seperated or whater ... why? Because he knows that I am not going along with any type of friendship either ... I am not going to hide back under the Emotional Affair so that he can keep tabs on me while he figures it all out ... what would that do for me???? Stop me from meeting and falling for anyone else, and keeping me in a jar ... I can't do that to myself ... ... sometimes things just reach the point of no return, and you have to let them go ... there is no other way ... unless the situation changes, there is nothing in this for you ... and unfortunatley, that is not in your control ... but, you can control how you react to it ... ... Just KNOW that these are all his issues ... there is no role for you to play right now, other than the role of the miserable and depressed OW ... do you really want to be that?? Just think of some movies you've seen ... where there is a mistress ... if you had to cast yourself in any one of those films would you choose to be the mistress???? Or the leading lady??? Think about it ... I have!! Why would you want to be in that "supporting role" ... ????? Please, please please don't see him ... and no ultimatums either !!!!!!!!!! No need for that long email either!!! When/if he calls again, you cannot see him ... you don't have time to talk for long ... you love and miss him too ... you wish the situation were different, and when/if it is, you would be happy to start over with him .... Chapter TWO ... but ... Chapter ONE ... (this chapter) must end first!!! ... don't make chapter one any longer than it's supposed to be ... for a successful chapter two, one of two things could happen: (1) He gets seperated and comes after you and builds a life with you ; (2) Or, you move on and meet the man of your dreams who could give you everything ... in either event, YOU get to live happily ever after!!! There is no happily ever after at the end of Chapter ONE ... just a long, painful waiting period ... if you let him string you along now, and keep going back before there is a clean end to this period ... one of two things could happen: (1) He keeps stringing you along indefinitely and you remain miserable and in a living hell ... untill something gives ... you really do have a nervous breakdown or finally smarten up; or (2) He does end up leaving and then decides to start fresh with someone new - "hey, thanks for being the catalyst to end my miserable marraige, but I really need a break from all this now ... thanks again, catch you later ... don't know what I want now" I don't think you want THAT to happen! Please end this ... it is not going to get any better ... I am sitting at home now (almost done crying, finally) .. thinking ... ok .. .this phase is over for me, and I am starting a new life for myself for tomorrow ... meaning ... this is the last day of me moping around about this ... I made my decision that I would like to join the happy side of life, and this is the only way ... I am going to continue NC .... and starting tomorrow, it's going to be like I never even met him ... I am going to force this down my throat ... for my own good ... I am not going to choose to live any more of my life in misery .... ... Please .... God bless you ... I am praying for you ... You will get through this ... please stay strong, and have faith that there is something better for you out there.
neverendingsaga Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Well ... it's May 30th ... hope you have decided not to see him .... really and truly ... I broke it off with an MM at the end of March ... there has been NC ... before that, we were friends for years ... we had an EA .. he was/is unhappily married .. it just escalated and happened ... and once the boundary was crossed ... we couldn't go back ... so it had to end b/c no one was going to wait ... there were no ultimatums, nothing ... we just love each other very much ...he wasn't out looking for it ...he is young, etc., and so am I ... we both just feel in love ... it happened because of our strong friendship and bond ... took years before anything physical happened ... and it's not like we were looking for it to happen. My point is .... there was never this back and forth about waiting, not waiting, etc... but, after a certain point, everytime we were together I would be really happy and then crushed the next day ... an emotional wreck ... .. .so, the NC started in March ... and this week we spoke on the phone, which was OK ... but I still don't want to see him ... I am determined enough to move forward that a phone call every two/three weeks isn't going to set me back ... but, THEN ... out of the BLUE ... earlier this week he just showed up at my doorstep!!! I have been crying my eyes out for two days straight!!!!!!!! Each time we go back like this ... even if they come after us, it gets worse and worse ... Seeing him is going to set you back A LOT!!!!! If you think the phone call was bad, wait until you see him ... you are going to be a wreck!!!!!! Please don't see him ... if he already filed for divorce, was seperated, living in a seperate household and ready to move forward with his life and wanted you to be part of the new beginning ... (not part of the divorce, that's total BS if you ask me!!!) That would be one there ... ... but there is nothing for you to discuss ... no role in this for you -- thank GOD! This is between him, his wife and their attorney to figure out ... you don't want anything to do with it!!!!!!!!! Just keep moving forward and heal .. try not to even speculate and ask "what if" ... It is what it is right now ... and there is nothing there but heartache for you ... ... I know!!! We finally broke it off yesterday after I had several emotional breakdowns .... he saw that I could not handle it ... I wanted him to see that because I CANNOT HANDLE it .. and even if I/you/we could, why should we?????? Life is meant to be happy .. not miserable ... it is our choice ... you should not be patient ... you should move forward with your life and find happiness somewhere else ... ... now, I know that I am a wreck right now, but I also know that I can't wait for my MM ... never told him I was waiting, and he never told me to wait ... there is no room for this type of situation in my life ... and there is no room in it for his ... I will not sit around like the happy little friend who can just turn her emotions on and off ... I would be kicking and screaming through the whole thing ... and, unless he wants THAT in his life ... and WHO DOES? He would be best to leave me alone ... I think he knows that now .... so, at this point, I don't even have to tell the MM not to contact me until he gets seperated or whater ... why? Because he knows that I am not going along with any type of friendship either ... I am not going to hide back under the Emotional Affair so that he can keep tabs on me while he figures it all out ... what would that do for me???? Stop me from meeting and falling for anyone else, and keeping me in a jar ... I can't do that to myself ... ... sometimes things just reach the point of no return, and you have to let them go ... there is no other way ... unless the situation changes, there is nothing in this for you ... and unfortunatley, that is not in your control ... but, you can control how you react to it ... ... Just KNOW that these are all his issues ... there is no role for you to play right now, other than the role of the miserable and depressed OW ... do you really want to be that?? Just think of some movies you've seen ... where there is a mistress ... if you had to cast yourself in any one of those films would you choose to be the mistress???? Or the leading lady??? Think about it ... I have!! Why would you want to be in that "supporting role" ... ????? Please, please please don't see him ... and no ultimatums either !!!!!!!!!! No need for that long email either!!! When/if he calls again, you cannot see him ... you don't have time to talk for long ... you love and miss him too ... you wish the situation were different, and when/if it is, you would be happy to start over with him .... Chapter TWO ... but ... Chapter ONE ... (this chapter) must end first!!! ... don't make chapter one any longer than it's supposed to be ... for a successful chapter two, one of two things could happen: (1) He gets seperated and comes after you and builds a life with you ; (2) Or, you move on and meet the man of your dreams who could give you everything ... in either event, YOU get to live happily ever after!!! There is no happily ever after at the end of Chapter ONE ... just a long, painful waiting period ... if you let him string you along now, and keep going back before there is a clean end to this period ... one of two things could happen: (1) He keeps stringing you along indefinitely and you remain miserable and in a living hell ... untill something gives ... you really do have a nervous breakdown or finally smarten up; or (2) He does end up leaving and then decides to start fresh with someone new - "hey, thanks for being the catalyst to end my miserable marraige, but I really need a break from all this now ... thanks again, catch you later ... don't know what I want now" I don't think you want THAT to happen! Please end this ... it is not going to get any better ... I am sitting at home now (almost done crying, finally) .. thinking ... ok .. .this phase is over for me, and I am starting a new life for myself for tomorrow ... meaning ... this is the last day of me moping around about this ... I made my decision that I would like to join the happy side of life, and this is the only way ... I am going to continue NC .... and starting tomorrow, it's going to be like I never even met him ... I am going to force this down my throat ... for my own good ... I am not going to choose to live any more of my life in misery .... ... Please .... God bless you ... I am praying for you ... You will get through this ... please stay strong, and have faith that there is something better for you out there. thanks biffster. i put an update in another thread- i ended up talking to him after he came to my office, & it turned out he didnt have much of a plan really. i shouldve known. so now we are NC & i understand everything your feeling. i do want to be happy w/out him if he decides not to get D'ed. im already happier not being the miserable depressed OW as you say. and i hope to find a guy who will give me everything, your right. i wish you luck in getting through this, thx for your post.
frannie Posted June 1, 2008 Posted June 1, 2008 ... Just KNOW that these are all his issues ... there is no role for you to play right now, other than the role of the miserable and depressed OW ... do you really want to be that?? Just think of some movies you've seen ... where there is a mistress ... if you had to cast yourself in any one of those films would you choose to be the mistress???? Or the leading lady??? Think about it ... I have!! Why would you want to be in that "supporting role" ... ????? ... you wish the situation were different, and when/if it is, you would be happy to start over with him .... Chapter TWO ... but ... Chapter ONE ... (this chapter) must end first!!! ... don't make chapter one any longer than it's supposed to be ... biffster I have read a few of your posts today, and I understand where you're coming from... makes perfect sense. Love the way you expressed it here Bring on Chapter Two!
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