almost time to see my guy-if i don't chicken out first-and last night's conversation?

[hopeangel]

well this weekend didn't turn out as i planned. i'm afraid that i did something to make b/f think that he had to avoid me this weekend. we had a couple of text messages and that is it. i tried calling a couple of times...now i don't want to call anymore and i haven't called since sunday.

 

i really want to talk to him because i want to apologize if i did something that made him feel like he couldn't talk to me this weekend. i think maybe i was not as supportive and understanding about me not being able to come this weekend. i tried to not be disappointed and frustrated, but it is hard. i thought that i hid it well, but...our last conversation did get a little strained because of it and i was sounding needy. i want him to know that i do have faith in him and trust in him.

 

it is not us to do the silence thing. what i have loved about us is that no matter the challenge to this point we have always worked it out together, not seperately. we've been a team. this weekend i feel has been the opposite. i think we were both disappointed and feeling bad and didn't know how to handle it together (or rather he didn't know how to handle it with me. i tried calling and talking to him). so, it was dealt with alone.

 

i feel like it has created a distance between us. plus the fact that we haven't seem each other for two months now. i really feel like we could lose the connection if things aren't addressed soon.

 

i did keep busy this weekend and all in all had fun hanging with friends and family. i practiced self care and went shopping for some really cute sexy outfits for me hopefully i get to put them to good use.

 

i think maybe i was trying to rush things and have too many expectations. so, i think i will just slow things down.

 

i really do miss him. i miss talking to him and feeling like i have that connection and bond with him. hopefully we will get it back and talk soon.

[TMichaels]

i have to admit- i'm probably not in the best mental state with it' date=' but i'm trying. i'm just not sure how to deal with this set back and the fact now that i haven't talked to him for two days (and i left two messages now) doesn't help-it's frustrating.[/quote']

 

The "set back" as you call it, is only as big of a deal as you make it, hopeangel. It's not as if your guy purposefully created a situation that prevented you two from getting together -- he tried to make other arrangements by putting his butt on the line with his boss. Many people wouldn't have risked that, especially when they've only been on the job for a couple of months!

 

everybody talking about going away this weekend is getting me down (i usually always go some place memorial day weekend)

 

Sounds a bit like you're feeling you're making sacrifices for the relationship and that you feel like he's not -- i.e. you're sitting home on a holiday weekend because of him and he can't even manage to return your phone calls. Be careful about falling into that trap...

 

Why did you just sit home when you knew he would be working, anyway? Isn't there something you could have done with friends/family even if you didn't go out of town? If you had, it would have kept your mind off things, and you wouldn't have been stewing so much about him not calling you.

 

As for him not returning your phone calls... Didn't he have to work, or at the very least, wasn't he on call? Either way, the understanding was that he wasn't available because of work, wasn't it? So why is it surprising he wasn't as attentive during this time?

 

My guess is he figured *you knew* he was working/on call, so he didn't expect or feel it was necessary to be in touch all that much over the weekend. Or, maybe he did end up working. Who knows?

 

and here is the other thing my guy doesn't know....my family is planning a trip to myrtle beach in june and YEP guess what? the trip is planned the exact same time he is coming home...so, in order to see him i have to give up a trip to myrtle beach (which i will do, just upsets me), grrr.........

 

when i talk to him i can act like everything is okay, but it's really not. BUT, i think my approach will be to focus on him and his needs and feelings, enough of mine for a minute. i think i'll probably get farther with him doing this and its the only way i know to combat some of my neediness.

 

i'm thinking maybe i just expected too much. now, maybe i have to adjust my expectations.

 

i don't want to give up, but i definiltey don't want to push him away.

 

Why does it upset you so much? Because you will making another "sacrifice" for him with no assurance/confidence he's willing to do the same? If so, you need to give some thought to that.

 

If IT IS because you are afraid that you will be giving up a family trip for the possibility of spending just a short time with him when he's home which means you won't be the "star attraction," then TBH I think you should go on the family trip.

 

Why? Because my guess is, unless he spends every single minute with you during that weekend, you'll end up resenting the "sacrifice" you made. IOW, *nothing* will be good enough as you will feel "entitled" that he make up for Memorial Day weekend and/or as proof he really loves and wants to be with you. The fact that you also gave up Myrtle Beach for "sloppy seconds" will not improve your mood or confidence in the relationship, one bit, if that's what's going in on in the back of your mind.

 

I'm not advocating you go on the family trip out of spite. But, what I am saying, is that it's not good to center your entire universe around someone and then get upset when they don't do as you would like. You can't control what other people do -- you can only control how you react.

 

So, what should you do?

 

Ask him what his plans are for the weekend in terms of the two of you spending time together. Be up front and tell him you'd like to know because you now have a conflict. Explain the importance of the family trip which is why you are torn.

 

Make it clear that it's NOT that you don't want to see him. Also make it clear you understand the importance of *him* having time to spend with his friends and family. But, you need a better idea of his plans for the weekend so that you can make yours, and see what he says.

 

It's possible that you two may decide that the best course of action is that you forgo getting together when he returns home in lieu of another date/time that works better for both of you. Or, you may both may decide that seeing each other at the end of June is important enough that YOU BOTH will make a sacrifice -- you'll forgo your family trip, and he'll arrange his visit so that he spends quality time with you.

 

How ever it works out, the important thing is IF you're feeling like you're beginning to feel resentful, you need to nip that in the bud ASAP by leveling the playing field. If you don't, it's only going to exacerbate your feeling of being "needy" and "teary-eyed" all the time which *will not* be advantageous to your relationship.

 

Though some guys like to play the "white knight," it's an awful big suit of armor to lug around ALL the time. Give the guy a break and your relationship a chance by letting him know you enjoy his company and would like him to be PART of your life -- instead of his attention being THE ONLY reason for you to make it through another day.

 

You'll feel better about yourself, and that's a positive he will notice as well. It's the kind of win-win you both benefit from, instead of one of you feeling tortured and afraid, and the other oblivious or confused about what's going on.

 

Hope this helps...

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[hopeangel]

your always my voice of reason

 

i didn't sit home this weekend stewing luckily. i actually was pretty busy this weekend. i did spend time with friends and family. it was actually good i was home because i was able to get finished some things that needed done for the family business for a big event coming this weekend. we had a cookout. i went shopping. so that was good.

 

my point was that i just kinda thought that we might spend some extra time on the phone since we weren't able to be together. i really think he probably was very busy like you said and also felt guilty talking on the phone because we weren't together.

 

my concern is my feeling more distant now because we haven't communicated about these things. instead of dealing with it together i feel like the issue was just avoided which is not us. i guess it is that fear of growing apart rather than together. hopefully when i talk to him this will be able to be worked out and we will grow closer from it.

 

as far as the trip to myrtle beach. i hesitate to tell him because i really do want to see him and i know if i tell him he will feel guilty. i don't want that. i am willing to make him priority number 1 when he is home as he should be, but i know that if i do that, i'm doing it with no expectations because i don't know how much time we will actually be able to spend together. i see it right now as i don't get that many chances to see him so i feel like i should drop everything when i do have the chance. so i really have to give this some thought and maybe see how things go in the next couple weeks.

 

good point about leveling the playing field. point taken. that was really what i was talking about when i said that i didn't really feel like calling him and that i think i have to slow things down and that i probably have too many expectations of this relationship right now. yes, the issue sometimes (definitely not always) for me is that i feel i make more if an effort than he does. patience is not one of my many virtues -lol-and i have a tendency to try and rush things. so, i have to look at that and adjust, most definitely.

 

i'll try and relax and just let things happen more naturally because there is something great there.

 

thanks friend

[TMichaels]

i didn't sit home this weekend stewing luckily. i actually was pretty busy this weekend. i did spend time with friends and family. it was actually good i was home because i was able to get finished some things that needed done for the family business for a big event coming this weekend. we had a cookout. i went shopping. so that was good.

 

Not only good; EXCELLENT!

 

my point was that i just kinda thought that we might spend some extra time on the phone since we weren't able to be together. i really think he probably was very busy like you said and also felt guilty talking on the phone because we weren't together.

 

Yes, I understand what you *thought* might happen, but you don't know for a fact what really did happen at this point in time. He may have been busy, he may have thought you understood he wouldn't be available, and he may or may not felt bad because of it.

 

I'm guess what I am saying is that you can drive yourself around the bend trying to *guess* what happened, and the fact is, you won't know what was really the reason until *you do* talk with him again. So, in the meantime, don't worry, keep yourself busy, and give him the benefit of the doubt...

 

my concern is my feeling more distant now because we haven't communicated about these things. instead of dealing with it together i feel like the issue was just avoided which is not us. i guess it is that fear of growing apart rather than together. hopefully when i talk to him this will be able to be worked out and we will grow closer from it.

 

Yep. Best thing to do is to keep the faith and just chill...

 

as far as the trip to myrtle beach. i hesitate to tell him because i really do want to see him and i know if i tell him he will feel guilty. i don't want that. i am willing to make him priority number 1 when he is home as he should be, but i know that if i do that, i'm doing it with no expectations because i don't know how much time we will actually be able to spend together. i see it right now as i don't get that many chances to see him so i feel like i should drop everything when i do have the chance. so i really have to give this some thought and maybe see how things go in the next couple weeks.

 

Okay... But ONLY forgo you trip to Myrtle Beach IF with a clear conscience you can honestly say you won't feel slighted if it ends up you have little or no time together OR he ends up cancelling the trip all together for what ever reason and as a result it's too late for you to do anything but sit home while your family enjoys the beach..

 

I understand you not wanting to make him feel guilty or like you're pressuring him in any way, but by "secretly" making sacrifices in order to see him, it's almost a given that you're going to be perpetually "let down."

 

It takes two to make a relationship and comunication is key. Just as he was willing to go to the mat with his employer to get time off to accomodate your visit, he needs to know YOU are willing to give up a traditional family trip in order to accomodate seeing him when he returns home.

 

Did you ever read or do you remember The Gift of the Magi? Both loved each other beyond belief and were trying to do something precious for each other. Both failed because their best intentions were foiled by a lack of communication, not love.

 

good point about leveling the playing field. point taken. that was really what i was talking about when i said that i didn't really feel like calling him and that i think i have to slow things down and that i probably have too many expectations of this relationship right now. yes, the issue sometimes (definitely not always) for me is that i feel i make more if an effort than he does. patience is not one of my many virtues -lol-and i have a tendency to try and rush things. so, i have to look at that and adjust, most definitely.

 

i'll try and relax and just let things happen more naturally because there is something great there.

 

Yep, I agree. You said you have texted back and forth a couple of times. You've called him a couple more -- the ball's now in his court. Just sit tight for a bit.

 

Nothing wrong with him doing the wondering about what's going on for a change. Guys usually don't analyze things and noodle them to death like many women do. Sometimes it takes "a break in the action" for them to even give a thought to wondering if things are going right (or wrong).

 

thanks friend

 

You're welcome. Happy to help if I can...

 

Best,

TMichaels