Author shadowplay Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Please think about. And remember, she is your T, but she works FOR you. You tell her what you'd rather focus on, instead of her telling you. I will think about it, WWIU. I'm trying hard to summon that strength.
Replicant Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Shadow I wish I could help you, as do many others, but it seems you are not taking in what anyone is saying. What's wrong with the majority of people here whom are trying provide sound advice when it has become a pattern of falling on deaf ears??? I don't understand how people can be so blinded to the fact when someone has been told they have to heal for 8 weeks post abortion only to allow her boyfriend to act certain ways then defend such a person so passionately!!?? The majority of people would have picked up on such advice and not pushed...but drop kicked such a person to the curb realizing they pose no benefit to their future and never would\will. The OP has carried on this way constantly, so i agree with the person whom said these problems are clearly way what beyond LS could provide, if she was serious about it you'd be hearing progress reports not continual degradation. Coddling her?? I don't understand how it's of benefit here, as people are suggesting a healthy course of action yet she does the opposite or finds reason to excuse why it carries on. Mentally healthy people don't sit in the fire while it's burning, because clearly to carry on this path will reduce a person to ashes. To continue posting in lieu of helping themselves positively then it becomes just drama seeking attention and the majority of you are getting duped...big time.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Here's my feeling. My bf makes me miserable a lot of the time, but being alone and literally having no other connection in my life would feel worse. I understand this fear, but being with him is killing you. I'm sure you have friends who can help you through this and come hang out at times? I don't know if I have the strength to leave him. Plus, I truly do love him a great deal and that makes it much harder. What is it exactly that you love about him? Ask yourself this. Does the good stuff about him outweigh the bad stuff? WHY do you love him, what is it about him that makes you feel good and want to hang on?
SS49 Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 So basically she wants you to stay with him so you won't be alone? Honestly, you ARE better off alone, without him in your life. Atleast feeling lonely is better than feeling unworthy and used, treated like crap. You do what YOU think is right, don't let your T make you feel you MUST stay in the relationship for that particular reason. I could be wrong, maybe she knows better, but you ARE a smart woman and CAN make it on your own without the jerky boyfriend in your life. I bet you'd smile more, feel more confident and actually gain self confidence being away from him. No more walking on egg shells, or worrying when his next major mood a-hole swing is going to hit. Please think about. And remember, she is your T, but she works FOR you. You tell her what you'd rather focus on, instead of her telling you. I definitely agree that Shadow needs to get rid of her boyfriend, on the Therapist thing, her T may be trying to build her up a bit because she realizes that she's just not ready to leave him yet. Everyone has there own pace. IMO SP has started making strides toward a better future, she is seeing a therapist and that can be a huge step for some people. The impression that I get from why her T isn't strongly encouraging SP to leave him immediately is because she believes (and quite possibly) has no one else in her life that she trusts. If SP were to leave her BF now and were to stumble upon difficult times she might "relapse" and go back to the jerk. Which would probably be more damaging to SP than staying with him for a bit longer and then ridding her life of him for good. When you love someone and are as passionate about it as SP seems to be, breaking things off - even when you know it's the best thing - is ridiculously hard. I know, I've been there. My heart goes out to you Shadow and everything you've been through, self inflicted or not. Hope things start to pick up for you soon.
ahah2322 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 What's wrong with the majority of people here whom are trying provide sound advice when it has become a pattern of falling on deaf ears??? I don't understand how people can be so blinded to the fact when someone has been told they have to heal for 8 weeks post abortion only to allow her boyfriend to act certain ways then defend such a person so passionately!!?? The majority of people would have picked up on such advice and not pushed...but drop kicked such a person to the curb realizing they pose no benefit to their future and never would\will. The OP has carried on this way constantly, so i agree with the person whom said these problems are clearly way what beyond LS could provide, if she was serious about it you'd be hearing progress reports not continual degradation. Coddling her?? I don't understand how it's of benefit here, as people are suggesting a healthy course of action yet she does the opposite or finds reason to excuse why it carries on. Mentally healthy people don't sit in the fire while it's burning, because clearly to carry on this path will reduce a person to ashes. To continue posting in lieu of helping themselves positively then it becomes just drama seeking attention and the majority of you are getting duped...big time. word. nobody said it was easy- you just have to do it for yourself.
Gawdess Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 This is INSANE! She f*cked his best friend, she's a complete psycho liar and he's the bad guy?!?! Uh, ok, so he's a great guy because he urged his girlfriend to have sex when it is dangerous to her health for her to do so. Yeah, uh, he's a bad guy.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Here's my feeling. My bf makes me miserable a lot of the time, but being alone and literally having no other connection in my life would feel worse.I know you're not taking any of my words in, but maybe ignore the username for once. I have no friends, some acquaintaces that I call friends, but that's it. And even these people form a very small part of my life. There is no support system, and it's scary and it's hard, but it's not impossible. I know where you are coming from, and maybe I would stay in the relationship as well, because being alone isn't great. But it doesn't kill you. You can find out who you are and do things you like, on your own. And once you are over the heart ache and get to feel okay with yourself you will attract other people. It's not him - or eternal loneliness. I fear it's more him - or happiness. You should try to see your therapist more than every 3 weeks, especially during these days.
GPFan Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I am taking the advice in. Actually one of the main reasons I started therapy two months ago was because I got encouraged on here to do so. My therapist is helping me build a stronger sense of self and independence so I can arrive at a place where I really feel comfortable evaluating my relationship and making a decision not based on fear.This is great shadowplay! Baby steps... baby steps... You should try to see your therapist more than every 3 weeks, especially during these days. Yes! Minimum once a week, twice a week would be good at this stage.
Author shadowplay Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 I know you're not taking any of my words in, but maybe ignore the username for once. I have no friends, some acquaintaces that I call friends, but that's it. And even these people form a very small part of my life. There is no support system, and it's scary and it's hard, but it's not impossible. I know where you are coming from, and maybe I would stay in the relationship as well, because being alone isn't great. But it doesn't kill you. You can find out who you are and do things you like, on your own. And once you are over the heart ache and get to feel okay with yourself you will attract other people. It's not him - or eternal loneliness. I fear it's more him - or happiness. You should try to see your therapist more than every 3 weeks, especially during these days. I really hope you're right. I really want to believe you are. But part of me just doesn't know. I was up last night trying to remember how I felt and functioned when I was out of a relationship vs. in one. I've been a lot more functional in the last few months. I picked myself up and managed to do well in a class I thought I would fail, I got two cool internships, I got into therapy, I applied for and was accepted into a good school that will allow me to finally finish my BA. When you compare where I am now to where I was a year ago or even six months ago there's no comparison. What disturbs me is the idea that it's mostly because I'm in a relationship now. I remember before I met him how empty and direction-less I constantly felt. I can't stress how horrible this feeling was. Life seemed gray and pointless. I had no one. Not even a single friend. I was stranded in my parent's house all day. I'm terrified of going back to that place. I also wonder if the reason I've been more functional since January is because he's moved back to town. Over the Fall I only saw him on weekends and it was hard for me to function during the week. I know this dynamic is unhealthy, but I don't want to suddenly throw my life off kilter by leaving him. How do I prevent this from happening with no support network? Unless you count my ex who I rarely see but sometimes talk to online, I have no other friends. It sucks because I'm surrounded by people my age all day, but don't know how to spark connections with them. I wish people on here wouldn't accuse me of not listening or acting like a helpless child -- that couldn't be farther from the truth. I've made huge strides recently, in part with the help of LS. (Thanks for the support, guys.) But when it comes to ending this relationship...something always stops me at the door. As if I know on some level I'm not ready or that if I do right now my whole life could collapse. I'm trying to be careful. As a side note, my boyfriend was talking about his last relationship yesterday and it actually gave me some insight into who he is. He mentioned offhand how his ex used to get angry at him all the time. He couldn't help but laugh at her when she did because she would act like a stereotypical spurned Jewish woman with her heavy Brooklyn accent. She would be like, "What do I look like to you?! I'm a nice goil!" I asked him if her complaints were legit, and he said sheepishly, "somewhat." He said he wasn't a very good bf. He would be late a lot to see her or not call for a few days. He also said he had trouble getting emotionally attached to her and she complained that he was emotionally unavailable or had a wall up. She broke up with him after six months. She was his first real gf. I'm his second. He told me "believe it or not I've improved a lot." It makes me feel better knowing that it's not me who's the problem since he acted similarly in his last relationship. Btw, I do ordinarily see my therapist weekly. She was away one week and the other I had the abortion.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Okay, Shadow, I can see why you would not want to end this relationship right now. It would feel too much like pulling the rug out from underneath you. How would you feel, though, if you had some really great friends who would be there for you if this happened? Probably less scared? If you had some friends, you would not only have a support system but you would also have a social life to fall back on. Right now all your eggs are in one basket. So.....if you're thinking, duh Cherry, I know, but I have no friends, I do have a point here. You say you have trouble making connections, like at work. Let's think about this. The only reason you know those people is because by coincidence you see each other every day at the office (store, restaurant, whatever). What if you could meet people who had some common interests? Would that maybe make it easier to meet people? You could take a class in something that interests you. Say, writing or photography. You instantly have a connection. You both like to write. (Just using this as an example). So you talk in class. Then you exchange stories to review. Then you go for coffee to discuss. Then you realize you like each other and decide to hang out again. And just remember, you win some and lose some. What if you try to make a connection and it doesn't work? Who cares, try it with someone else. Not everyone is meant to be best buds. People are interested in people who are interested in them. When you have tried to meet people at work, did you ask them a lot of questions, or did you mostly talk about yourself?
Jilly Bean Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 It makes me feel better knowing that it's not me who's the problem since he acted similarly in his last relationship. You *have* to be joking about this, Shadow. If you're not part of the solution, then you are very much a part of the problem. I continue to be amazed at how you take NO responsibility for anything that happens in your life. Exasperating!
lovestruck818 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I'm no longer that nervous about the physical aspect of the abortion, but I'm starting to have second thoughts about going through with it. They're not very serious second thoughts...I know I will end up doing it anyway...but I am anticipating the regret of making an irrevocable decision. Right now I have a (presumably) healthy baby growing inside of me with somebody I love. What if I never get this chance again? My boyfriend says he wants to wait at least ten years before we have a child, so that we're financially secure. By then I will be in my mid thirties. That seems awfully old to have a baby. What if it doesn't turn out healthy? I've read that people who were born when their mother was under 25 end up having a significantly longer life expectancy. The baby I have inside of me right now is brimming with potential. I know it would probably be smart, healthy, tall, artistic and attractive...if you combine our good traits. It would probably be happier and more successful than either of us, because I think our weaknesses and strengths cancel each other out. But I know we're not ready to raise a child. We don't have the money for one thing. It just makes me sad to throw away a life that could be so special. My mom was 31 when i was born and 34 when my sister was born. We are beautiful, healthy & very smart women. A lot of women are having babies later in life now b/c of the need for women to work and the need for two-income households. It's not a big deal to wait. Plus, at that point you would be more ready mentally to raise a child. My parents did a great job and they are both "older parents." I'm 26...my father is 62 and my mom is 58.
lovestruck818 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Its probably the perfect age. That depends. I'm 26 and I'm not ready in the least. I know I def. want to be married and I want to make sure I am financially secure and ready and have suitable housing for it. My 400 sq. ft studio apartment would be no place to raise a child. I don't think you can put a number on what is a good age & what isn't. It really depends on your state at that particular time.
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