Author shadowplay Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Thanks for all the support and virtual hugs, guys. You'd be surprised at how much better and less alone it made me feel.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I live in a city that votes 90% democratic and we have abortion clinic protestors.
D-Lish Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I live in liberal community Canada and there are protesters as well... You have an abortion clinic- you have protesters...it is what it is. Glad you are feeling better. It's not an easy thing to go through- but I suspect motherhood at such a young age and given your situation would have been worse to deal with. And... Mean people suck.
Author shadowplay Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 I realize I've gone astray from the original topic, but I'm going to post this journal entry. I always feel better after doing a brain dump on here. Things have been stressful. I didn't sleep well last night. Today at work I could barely concentrate because I was so exhausted. Part of my job entailed going to the city public library and doing research for a History Channel documentary -- mostly scanning images from rare, old books. I'm not sure if it was because I was tired or depressed, but my legs felt like lead and I got so tired of walking around and standing on my feet. Maybe I'm just really out of shape. I'm thin, but I don't get much exercise. I hate being in public places around other people. I'm painfully self conscious of my outward appearance, whether I'm walking funny or my clothes look strange or I have a stain on the back of my leg. One of my biggest fears is looking sloppy or disheveled. One sloppy moment and I fear it's a slippery slope to a life on the street. And there's nothing worse than being a bum, because bums are invisible. Lunch was awkward. It was me, a new girl intern and five other (slightly older) guys in higher positions. I tried introducing myself to and chatting with the girl, but she wasn't very friendly. I never know what to say when I'm in a group of guys. They spent most of the conversation chatting about sports and really bad action movies, two topics I could care less about. Lately I've been forcing myself to be more outgoing, but this time I slipped back into my default shyness. I barely spoke two words during lunch. Part of my problem with small talk is the only way I know how is by asking questions. I'm not good at the spontaneous one liners. People rarely initiate conversation with me, so I have to do all the work. I've been wanting for so long to be in a context where friendships with people my age are possible, and now that I am I'm clueless about what to do. I have this irrational fear when I'm in constant interaction with a bunch of people that they're on the verge of trampling all over me. Like they're barely suppressing a middle school instinct to call me names or trip me in the hall. I worry that I'll do or say the wrong thing and suddenly they'll all gang up on me and laugh at me and point out how weird I am. People naturally dislike me...it's not just indifference, it's hostility. I bring out all the ugliness in people. Like someone can be perfectly nice to 99% of the population but something about me turns them into a total *******. I think it's my weakness. People can smell my insecurity from a mile away. The sad thing is because these people may be nice to others, nobody seems to understand how I can have such a pessimistic view of people. It's a constant struggle to keep up appearances and pretend to be a normal member of society. At any moment my fragile imitation could fall to pieces. Sometimes I feel like I'm one step away from being a bag lady.
Star Gazer Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I don't know...I went to PP once and it was a lot like OP described. Sterile, with bulletproof glass and yep, protesters outside. When I was in college and broke, I could only afford to get the BCP through PP. I was lucky in that the PP where I lived were a lot like a regular doctor's office. However, when I moved back into town 2 years ago and was between insurance plans, I had to return to PP to get the pill for cheap and went to a different PP in a more populated area. Whaddya know - bulletproof glass, triple-locked buzzed-in entry only, with protesters out front. They even chastised me just for getting the pill!!!
spookie Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Yah, the PP I went to had bulletbroof everything and the front door was locked. You had to be buzzed in by appointment only. It was also located in a liberal demographic.
spookie Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Shadow... I really don't think people "dislike" you, as you say. I think it's a combo of your insecurities making you seem boring (though I am sure once someone gets to know you, you're not) while the quietness, cynicism, and low self esteem work together to make you a bit of an emotional drain. I don't mean to be mean, but that's how I see it. I think you need a better sense of humor about life.
Author shadowplay Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Let me apologize for the mopey rambling-ness of my last post. I just reread it, and I'm now marveling at how ridiculous...borderline comical it is.
Prodigal Princess Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 However, when I moved back into town 2 years ago and was between insurance plans, I had to return to PP to get the pill for cheap and went to a different PP in a more populated area. Whaddya know - bulletproof glass, triple-locked buzzed-in entry only, with protesters out front. They even chastised me just for getting the pill!!! Stories make this make me glad I dont live in the US. The religious fanatics outside your borders aren't the only ones you've got to worry about...
Citizen Erased Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Stories make this make me glad I dont live in the US. The religious fanatics outside your borders aren't the only ones you've got to worry about... I know. I'll take the kangaroo culling protestors over the religious zealots any day. Shadow, nothing you are saying is at all ridiculous. If anything it is good you have something to focus on other then the abortion or your boyfriend. We may only be strangers, but the majority of us are here for you for whenever you need the support. Ignore those who are aren't and don't feel embarrassed about posting whatever comes to mind.
MaxManwell Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 25 really isn't that young to have a baby. Its probably the perfect age.
Author shadowplay Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 Its probably the perfect age. I'm 24. Debating whether or not it's the perfect age is pointless now since I've already had the abortion. Maybe for some it would be an okay age, but I'm still finishing up school and I'm also in a poor financial state. Right now my main focus is establishing myself in a career.
Kamille Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Shadow... I really don't think people "dislike" you, as you say. I think it's a combo of your insecurities making you seem boring (though I am sure once someone gets to know you, you're not) while the quietness, cynicism, and low self esteem work together to make you a bit of an emotional drain. I don't mean to be mean, but that's how I see it. I think you need a better sense of humor about life. All through junion high and most of high school, I felt pretty much like you describe feeling in your journal entry. I was convinced nobody liked me, had a hard time doing small talk, was afraid people were noticing things about me that were out of my control (something on my pants, etc), etc. It didn't help that this was school and that I wasn't a popular girl. In grade 11, someone scribbled "cow" on my locker. I felt shame rush through me - I was mortified - this confirmed my worst fear about myself: everyone hated me. But -for some reason, instead of erasing it, I drew a cow under the scribbling, wrote "mooh yourself" and walked off. I went to the bathroom and laughed my head off. That's when my attitude started improving. You have as much power as anyone out there you are tryin to interact with. Often, we feel others have more control over social situations then we do - untrue. We all end up talking with something between out teeth, looking dishevelled at one point, falling down stairs, etc. Grace is how we react to those things: what I found out the day of the "cow" incident is that humor is probably the most empowering way to deal with those moments of humiliation.
Storyrider Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 In grade 11, someone scribbled "cow" on my locker. I felt shame rush through me - I was mortified - this confirmed my worst fear about myself: everyone hated me. But -for some reason, instead of erasing it, I drew a cow under the scribbling, wrote "mooh yourself" and walked off. I went to the bathroom and laughed my head off. Great story, Kamille! I love that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Let me apologize for the mopey rambling-ness of my last post. I just reread it, and I'm now marveling at how ridiculous...borderline comical it is. It represents how many of us feel from time to time. No apologies are required.
twice_shy Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 No joke. Don't worry, I'm not keeping the baby. Sigh, as much as I am against abortion, just please promise one thing....do it before it becomes a partial-birth abortion before any limbs/organs are formed. If you are going to do it, please don't wait.
twice_shy Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 You shouldn't keep a baby just to have something to love and help your confidence. That's selfish and not a reason to bring a life into the world. Something to consider BEFORE getting pregnant. What is selfish is to start a life because of wanting sexual gratification, then ending that life and the baby has no choice in the matter.
twice_shy Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 No joke. Don't worry, I'm not keeping the baby After reading this part again, I'm kind of perplexed. You say "don't worry, I'm not keeping the baby" as if keeping the baby is the absolute worst thing you could do. As if the baby is nothing more than a piece of sh#t that you just want to get rid of.
Citizen Erased Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 I suggest you read the entire thread. The matter has been dealt with.
vedderbetter Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 You're entitled to your opinion. I could see how my account might sound fictional at first blush, but unfortunately it's not. I was shocked too about the protesters, especially given how liberal my city is. There is a strong Catholic demographic, though. The facility has a lot of security because this guy bombed two Boston clinics in 1994. Maybe you should reserve judgment on the veracity of my account until you actually have an abortion or step inside a clinic. I have had an abortion at PP. And it was NOTHING like your description. I also have escorted several friends at various times to several different PP locations for various reasons, and again, nothing like your description. I live in Southern CA and I have yet to see a single protestor outside any women's clinic here. Maybe it is very different were you are. I'm was more referring to the content of your posts as a whole, especially the interactions with your significant other, that led me to suspect that perhaps your accounting of events has been embellished and/or dramatized for effect. I'm a writer - I understand. Wasn't trying to pick on you.
Author shadowplay Posted May 30, 2008 Author Posted May 30, 2008 I have had an abortion at PP. And it was NOTHING like your description. I also have escorted several friends at various times to several different PP locations for various reasons, and again, nothing like your description. I live in Southern CA and I have yet to see a single protestor outside any women's clinic here. Maybe it is very different were you are. I'm was more referring to the content of your posts as a whole, especially the interactions with your significant other, that led me to suspect that perhaps your accounting of events has been embellished and/or dramatized for effect. I'm a writer - I understand. Wasn't trying to pick on you. Nope, nothing was embellished. I guess truth is stranger than fiction. I think it's kind of pointless to question the veracity of what anyone on this board writes. Anybody could be lying because it's an anonymous forum. Unless you have very good reason to believe somebody is lying, it's better to assume they're telling the truth or you may be denying somebody the help and advice they need. If you look through my past threads, you will see that I'm an established member on this forum. Nothing I have written here is inconsistent with my past posts on my relationship or life. Others in this thread have had very similar experiences getting an abortion or visiting PP. Many other people have written that they have frequently seen protestors outside of the PPs they have visited. I can't speak for the clinics in your area. For all I know you have never visited a PP yourself and are being as dishonest as you accuse me of being. In short, this discussion is pointless.
blind_otter Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Shadow - I'm sorry that you went through that. It is tough. Be aware that you may experience a hormonal let-down now, for a week or two. It takes a while for the body to get back to normal after a pregnancy ends, for whatever reason. I remember after miscarrying at 11 weeks I had horrible postpartum depression. It was even worse when I miscarried at 15 weeks - I think the level of postpartum you get is directly related to how long you were pregnant. So it may be mild, but if you are emotional for the next few days/week - it's probably the hormonal let down.
vedderbetter Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 In short, this discussion is pointless. And that's the truest thing you've said yet. It IS pointless because despite the positive advice you have routinely gotten on this thread and others, you have yet to take any of it and continue to post how unhappy you are. So while I feel sorry for you, I also recognize that in 6 months, you'll still be on here, talking about how miserable you are.
spookie Posted May 30, 2008 Posted May 30, 2008 Shadow - I'm sorry that you went through that. It is tough. Be aware that you may experience a hormonal let-down now, for a week or two. It takes a while for the body to get back to normal after a pregnancy ends, for whatever reason. I remember after miscarrying at 11 weeks I had horrible postpartum depression. It was even worse when I miscarried at 15 weeks - I think the level of postpartum you get is directly related to how long you were pregnant. So it may be mild, but if you are emotional for the next few days/week - it's probably the hormonal let down. Could also be that her bf is a moody jacksas and sp reacts quite emotionally to subtle changes in his disposition.
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