How do you even begin?

[MrsHellnoFire]

So how many times did they actually have sex? Just the two when he took out 800$ a piece?

[Toasted]

Just an update:

 

I was looking thrugh the phone history/bank statements (i work shift work and on slow nights i have plenty of time to obsess - not good i know - but i do it anyway!) I found out on a Saturday about the affair and he said he stopped calling her and when she called that thursday he told her it was over. it took a couple weeks for the most recent phone bill to post and i noticed he called her 12 times from the time i found out till the day he said he ended it. i knew something was not right - it should not take 12 phone calls to say its over. i got suspicious but didnt see anything on the bank statements. then i checked his credit card statement online. he had gone back to the club the Monday and Tuesday after i found out. each time he pulled out 300.

 

i started looking back on the credit cards and found he had been taking out money there as well. all in all he has spent over 3K. I called him on it and he said he wanted to tell her in person it was over and she was not there. disgusting

 

since he continued to lie to me i finally just called her. i know that is probably not healthy, but i was not in a healthy state of mind. right off the bat she told me she had not 'gone there' with him - and i knew she was lying the way she said it.

 

he had sworn to me he had never messed around with her or seen her outside the club or got a vip with her. ALL LIES.

 

she told me he took her out to lunch (at our daughters favorite restaraunt no less) she also told me he had gotten him a Harley T-Shirt as a gift. (i got him the Harley for his birthday).

 

when i saw him i told him i knew he had taken her out to lunch and gotten her a gift. then i told him i knew he had messed around with her (even though she said they hadn't) he hung his head and admitted he had in the vip room with her.

 

he swears he has not had sex with her - i told him thats a joke.

picture a broke down truck stop turned into a strip club and thats where she works at. 3k there will get you anything and everything you want.

 

he has been getting IC for a few weeks, but it is a slow process.

the sad fact is i do love him and don't want my marriage to end, but he keeps lying to me. if he had told me everything upfront it would have hurt like hell - but at least it would be better than this - ripping the band-aid off one nanometer at a time.

 

i gave him back his wedding ring and told him i want a legal seperation to think about things. he wants to get MC (which we had already been in) to make it work, but i don't know what i want.

 

Now he says he needs to talk to me in person to tell me something else - which i am assuming he is going to admit he slept with her.

 

all in all it has turned out to be a complete disaster.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sorry for your pain. I think you did the right thing tracking her down, as finding out the truth is the only empowerment available to you in this kind situation. Now that most of the cards are on the table, don't rush into anything. Since it sounds like your H is about to tell you the rest of the story, take some time and really think about what you want to do. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jmargel]

At this point I don't think him having sex with her or not will really make a difference. Only because he had an emotional affair and on top of that it's a pattern shown by him. What makes this worse is that in ALL the times he's done this, not once has he come to you and confessed. This has all come about because of your detective work.

 

I think you are partly upset because to continue to stay with him, means you will have to continue this extra job of sluething for clues to see if he's doing anything else.

 

Also, IMO this marriage has become a parent-child relationship. You're the parent, he's the spoiled child. Just like a child, he stays home while his parent works and pays all the bills. He gets to do as he wants and he really hasn't faced any consequences for any of the disrespect and cheating he's done to you. So, why change? It seems to work for him very nice.

 

What are you exactly getting out of this marriage? You say you love him, but why? What exactly do you love about him? His qualities? Which ones? He seems all talk and his actions just show betrayal towards you.

 

I know you will probably say you have a history together, but really that's what it is, a history. Not even a good one at that. It's a tainted one. You've just tolerated his behavior and it's gotten worse. Although this isn't your fault you enable him to do these things.

 

He owes you and your daughter $3,000 and honestly he should work his ass off to put that money back. It's not even the money but the principal of it. It's good he's going to IC, but it will take a very long time to change his fundmental values and attitude. Only then will you see a genuine change, anything else is an act.

 

Remember not to put your own self-worth into this, no matter who he would have married he would have done this to. However I believe you really need to start standing up for yourself, and stop tolerating his behavior. Get that money moved over into an account with just your name, and get him back to work. Make him provide for his family.

 

He is not a man, to push his daughter on family members to watch, while he visits the strip club is shameful. Guys like him need a visit from us real men in a backstreet alley to get a well needed attitude adjustment. His daughter and you need to be his number one priority. Respect yourself and your daughter to make this very clear to him.

[Toasted]

Update:

 

When i got home from work this morning he admitted it. He slept with her.

 

I already knew this - but is still shocking to hear from someone you love that deep of a betrayal.

 

half of me is in shock and so sad, the other half is relieved that i finally have the confirmation and i can move on from here.

 

I've only had two serious relationships in my life and both of them cheated on me.

 

I'm going to take some time to be by myself for awhile.

i also want to figure out why i keep getting into relationships with people like this - or where in the relationship i go wrong by letting people walk all over me.

 

feeling like a sucker right now - but i appreciate all the heartfelt advice.

[mopar crazy]

I am so sorry. PLZ do not put any blame on yourself for this. He chose to cheat and lie, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

I don't blame you at all for contacting the OW, I would have and did do the same thing. Of course, like the OW in your situation the OW in mine also lied.

 

I knew there was an EA going on but like you, I just had to know if they had sex. They both denied everything, said they were just friends. I wanted to know if they had sex for my own health. If they were having sex while he was having sex w/ me I wanted to know so I could get tested for any STD. My H was upset that I went and got tested b/c "Nothing was going on" and it was a waste of $ to have test done. Thankfully the test all came back negative.

 

You have received wonderful advice. Again, I am sorry for you pain.

[jj2007]

It's been a little over two weeks since I found out my husband had been cheating with a stripper. He says he never slept with her, only saw her at the club. I found a text message he had sent her - for sure not just friends. (you looked so good the other night - i was so jealous ... etcetera) So I don't know what to believe. I am so pissed off!

 

I guess what is making everything so difficult is he keeps lying/omitting information. He told me at first he met her a few weeks prior to me finding out - then admits he met her in Feb. (so it was goin on for two months). He pulled out 2K from our checking account within those two months - says it didn't all go to the club, but he at one point pulled out $800 within 5 days of each other - BS!

 

We have gone to two councling sessions and are talking alot more. I guess what I am struggling with is this roller coaster of emotions! He said he has ended it and is committed to making the marriage work. I guess i am just struggling with wether or not I want it to work. It seems when I am with him I am fairly ok - hurt and pissed - but trying to make it.

 

But when i am at work or out on errands i get so furious I could throw something! It's the ups and downs that are draining the life out of me.

 

For anyone who stayed after being cheated on - how long is is freaking agony going to last??!!

 

I have been reading about other couples and for most it takes months sometimes years to get through it - not sure if I can hang on that long!

 

 

 

It has been over a year since D-day (since I found out about my H's A) and I hate to tell you, but I still struggle. Much like you I am ready to get off this roller coaster! It all depends on what you can deal with or if you even want to.

 

I do want to say that I know how you feel and I am very sorry for what you are going through. If you feel like it is worth it to make your marriage work then it is not going to be easy and you do have a long, hard road ahead of you.

 

You will not be able to start to heal and rebuild the relationship if your H is still lying to you. He will have to be totally open and honest if he is truly ready to work on his marriage. I wish you the best and I hope that you find the happiness that you deserve! Hang in there!

[norajane]

While you're taking time out to think about what to do, you might want to remove his name from the joint checking account, and cancel his credit cards. Sounds like you are pretty much the sole breadwinner here, and he is blowing all your money on a stripper he's cheating on you with.

 

If you can't get his name off the checking account, withdraw all the money and open a new account in your name only. Since it doesn't appear he is willing to STOP spending your money on this stripper, there is no reason you should pay for his cheating.

 

Also, those cash advances he's pulling out of his credit card start accumulating interest right away. As his wife, you are responsible for any debt he incurs, so get rid of those cards!

[NewSunrise]

While you're taking time out to think about what to do, you might want to remove his name from the joint checking account, and cancel his credit cards. Sounds like you are pretty much the sole breadwinner here, and he is blowing all your money on a stripper he's cheating on you with.

 

If you can't get his name off the checking account, withdraw all the money and open a new account in your name only. Since it doesn't appear he is willing to STOP spending your money on this stripper, there is no reason you should pay for his cheating.

 

Also, those cash advances he's pulling out of his credit card start accumulating interest right away. As his wife, you are responsible for any debt he incurs, so get rid of those cards!

I'm surprised you haven't done this the minute you found out he's been bleeding you dry. Why?

 

Agree with jmargel. You have a parent-child marriage relationship. If he likes being treated like a child then cut him off from ruining your finances before you won't have any left.

 

Sorry, you're having to go through this. But you gotta start looking out after yourself. He's been doing it for himself at your expense.

[Toasted]

Just an update:

 

I did file for Legal Seperation. He moved out to his sisters and will be moving to his parents. i did get my own checking acct. and he got his. I did close our joint credit cards and we have put our house up for sale. I want to be closer to my parents.

 

We sat down and talked with our daughter. She was devistated. We did not get into the nitty gritty details - just let her know we both loved her but we had made each other sad and decided it would be best if we lived apart for now. He is her hero and i don't want to take that away from her.

 

Im starting councling next week and my daughter will see someone there as well. he is continuing with his individual counciling, but we are not seeing a marriage councler - by my choice. He does want things to work for us, but right now i just cant even think about it.

 

like my orginal post - how do you even begin? Especially when the person continues to lie. I still think he is not telling me the whole story and i need to trust my gut - not bury my head in the sand anymore.

 

just want to say thanks for all the support. right now the hardest part is the lonliness. i know that will pass in time. i have been trying to get out more and spend more quality time with my daughter.

 

The funny thing is i used to shop when i got stressed out, and have not felt the urge at all. My girlfriends braced themselves thinking i was going to go on some kind of binge of destructive behavior - but i really feel motivated to get my act together.

 

Anyway - he wants things to work out but i am taking my year to myself. i told him i didn't file for legal seperation for him - i did it for me. if he doesn't like it he can feel free to file for divorce.

 

Thanks all!

[Mr. Lucky]

Good for you!!! Many of us that have been in similar situations - told so many lies that you start to doubt your own sanity - know how empowering it is to take charge of our lives. Mabe he'll come around, maybe he won't - might not matter to you either way. You need to focus on what's best for you and your child so stay strong...

 

Mr. Lucky