SoulSearch_CO Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Being in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you is far worst than loneliness. Those who have been in such a relationship will tell you that loneliness can be a tremendous relief. Hoo-rah.
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I've been single for a lot of my adult life. I didn't have a long-term relationship until I was 25, and I've only had one relationship that's lasted longer than six months since. I used to try so hard and want relationships so badly, and I could never attract anyone, it seemed. It always seemed that the really nice marriage-material girls were already in committed relationships and the other girls just weren't attracted to me. Then I got older and things just somehow changed. Now it seems like I'm the one who isn't really sure of what I want, and that I'm the one breaking girls hearts. It's not that I set out to do it or get some sick satisfaction out of it, but the strange thing is that during all of those years of being single, well, dammit I got used to being single, and I got used to having my space, and you know something...I kinda like it. Like I say, I don't set out to hurt girls' feelings, but whenever I hear people say things like I gotta start settling down or you shouldn't be so picky or some garbage, I take a step back and think: Hey, where the fook where all of these lovely people when I was sitting at home wanking on a Saturday night because I couldn't get any? Am I supposed to be some bad guy now? Yeah, some girl who's now 33 and hears her biological clock ticking and crying her eyes out because I broke up with her probably would have been the same girl who would have turned her nose up at me about five years earlier. No, I'm single and I actually dig it. It's going to be a special woman that'll get me to give up my time and space. Maybe there's a part of me that is bitter, I don't know...but that's my perspective. We all have different perspectives. Some people like their freedom; some people are lonely as hell. You have to find a way to make the best of your own situation, whatever it may be.
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 As far as the original topic is concerned, being lonely itself isn't the biggest pain; the biggest pain you could ever feel is to be with someone you love for an extended period of time and watch them walk out of your life -- that's pain. That'll drive people to crack open a bottle of Jim Beam.
jimbo101 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 But it's also what you call wishful thinking. A lot of times we want what we can't have, and when we do have it we may not want it anymore...it goes to show how human we really are. I completely agree with this statement. It happened to me before and I bet it also happened to most of us in this world...
sb129 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Being in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you is far worst than loneliness. Those who have been in such a relationship will tell you that loneliness can be a tremendous relief. This is so true.
stillafool Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I've been single throughout my entire life. My LDR and any infatuations I've had in the past don't count (although that's not to say my experiences were meaningless). And honestly, I'm kinda jealous of those who've been in physically-close relationships before. So much so that I actually want to experience all the joy and hardships that many of you have gone through. I want to know what it feels like. I want to grow mentally and emotionally. But that hasn't happened yet. And no amount of reading or living "vicariously" through others is going to help me. I need to experience the "non-single" life myself. Don't get me wrong though, I may sound desperate but I'm not. It's not like I'm just gonna throw myself out there to everyone. But if opportunity knocks, I'll go for it. Trust me you're not missing much!
Pluto Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Guys, I was single for a lot of years and didn't get married until after 40. The one positive thing I will say about marriage is that it helped me grow as a person. Sometimes, growth is painful See, I remained positive One piece of advice I could pass on.... when single and contemplating a relationship, be sure to have a sizable chunk of discretionary time to fill up, because a R/M will suck a lot of your time. I'm not saying that's bad, but, if you have a lot of existing responsibilities, a relationship can really cause some stress in that area, depending on your psychology. Being a "get it done" kind of guy, I get frustrated from not being able to get it done (to my satisfaction) anymore due to time constraints. That's my own fault, for having too much on my plate prior to getting M. If I was being brutally honest, I'd say I'm wiser and more complete being married but I was happier being single. Can I just enjoy the trials and tribulations of young love, dating and courting instead of thinking about marriage? Positivity can be oh so nauseating sometimes, but it is no doubt key in your well being. I have learnt to be a glass is half full man than a glass is half empty man that I used to be. I can always make time for someone I want to be with, it's all about striking the happy medium and keeping things fresh and well balanced. It is easier said than done, but with hope and determination on your side, impossible is nothing (I stole this from Adidas). I don't have many responsibilities, but in my spare time when I am not working or at college (I am leaving college this summer) I usually immerse myself in my interests and I am happy than happy to share my interests to my girlfriend. I'm laid but I dislike disorganisation, I also have an implusive nature to be, but I always manage to find time. It is possible to feel happy in a relationship too, I always hold faith, albeit it may be blind, but whatever the weather I am happy being single and if a girl who I adore walks into my life, then I guess I'll be happy too.
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I've been single for a lot of my adult life. I didn't have a long-term relationship until I was 25, and I've only had one relationship that's lasted longer than six months since. I used to try so hard and want relationships so badly, and I could never attract anyone, it seemed. It always seemed that the really nice marriage-material girls were already in committed relationships and the other girls just weren't attracted to me. Then I got older and things just somehow changed. Now it seems like I'm the one who isn't really sure of what I want, and that I'm the one breaking girls hearts. It's not that I set out to do it or get some sick satisfaction out of it, but the strange thing is that during all of those years of being single, well, dammit I got used to being single, and I got used to having my space, and you know something...I kinda like it. Like I say, I don't set out to hurt girls' feelings, but whenever I hear people say things like I gotta start settling down or you shouldn't be so picky or some garbage, I take a step back and think: Hey, where the fook where all of these lovely people when I was sitting at home wanking on a Saturday night because I couldn't get any? Am I supposed to be some bad guy now? Yeah, some girl who's now 33 and hears her biological clock ticking and crying her eyes out because I broke up with her probably would have been the same girl who would have turned her nose up at me about five years earlier. No, I'm single and I actually dig it. It's going to be a special woman that'll get me to give up my time and space. Maybe there's a part of me that is bitter, I don't know...but that's my perspective. We all have different perspectives. Some people like their freedom; some people are lonely as hell. You have to find a way to make the best of your own situation, whatever it may be. ETA: I'm not actually single, I'm just so far from being committed to anything long term that it's almost like I am. LOL! Once you commit, you lose your power. Men should keep their power by refusing to commit to anyone unless they are absolutely damn sure that they're not going to be conned into being bullied by some matriarch or ice princess. Bitterly yours, Amerikajin
Gatormaniac Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 It was the opposite for me.. I became single in my early 50s... I am waaay happier now, being single, than all the relationships I've had.. Me too! Far too many people let the fear of being lonely envelope them instead of taking the reigns of their life firmly in hand. Loneliness isn't exclusive to being alone. You obviously understand that, but many don't. Good for you!! Those that make the fear of loneliness even a small part of the equation when looking for a mate are doomed to be lonely. I sometimes take a moment when I'm in a restaurant to look around at any couples that happen to be there. Every time I do this I inevitably find at least one couple that doesn't say more than a few words to each other and actually avoid eye contact!! Criminey! If that's what they're like when they're out having a good time, imagine what it's like when they're at home! They're so scared of loneliness they don't even know they're lonely. Being lonely is a conscience decision...period. I may never find my " soul mate " but I'll never be lonely. I find happiness and companionship everywhere...family, friends, career, my cat, and my community. One day I hope to be in a fulfilling relationship, but it won't be due to a fear of being lonely. Until then, I'll embrace those things that make me happy, and take this opportunity to explore the endless opportunities available to me!
Serph Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Wow, if you were to believe 90% of the people in this topic, being single is so awesome that no one should ever even seek a mate! Why does this forum even exist then? Why are there millions upon millions upon millions of accounts from people saying that relationships completes them and puts them in a blissful state of being? In what kind of ivory tower are you all living? Being single for years and years on end sucks, period. Those people that feel immense pain because they're single and fear that they're doomed, well they shouldn't have to bear with such delusional damage control. It's insulting for them. I can't believe how good it feels for me to be in a relationship after having been with nothing but my own devices for eons, the difference is night and day. Much less tension, much less negative thoughts, much less of those interminably dull moments, much more direction... five times less pain... none of these awkward moments where you sit alone in your apartment feeling like doing nothing and seeking for some kind of gratification without ever finding it! I live for myself first and foremost and loves myself and my character immensely, but there're limits to what you can accomplish yourself. And then there are the primal human needs: to mate, to be hugged, to feel someone else being attracted to you, to have sexual relief... there is nothing that can compensate for an absence of all that. Don't lie to these poor souls! Can you imagine how aggressive a life that's unfullfilled romantically and sexually is for a guy? It's absolutely unbearable, it turns you into a tortured beast. This isn't a part of you that you can just go ahead and ignore.
Pluto Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 Not everyone needs someone to support them Serph, you do, I don't. There is more to my life than women and relationships.
Serph Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I don't "need" someone to support myself, but uh, it's a nice added benefit to have in your life? Your whole body, mind, neural system is entirely wired around mating and making you feel pain if you don't as an incentive. Don't act like being single is automatically nicer. Especially since most of the times it's a state that's loathed and unwanted. It's ruinous.
Pluto Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I don't "need" someone to support myself, but uh, it's a nice added benefit to have in your life? Your whole body, mind, neural system is entirely wired around mating and making you feel pain if you don't as an incentive. Don't act like being single is automatically nicer. Especially since most of the times it's a state that's loathed and unwanted. It's ruinous. I wouldn't know, I've never been in a relationship, and I am happy, joyous and always walk around feeling about a million dollars, baby! It is different for mentally weak people. They need to be in relationships because their life has little or no meaning, thats what I've come to discover.
amerikajin Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 I don't "need" someone to support myself, but uh, it's a nice added benefit to have in your life? Your whole body, mind, neural system is entirely wired around mating and making you feel pain if you don't as an incentive. Don't act like being single is automatically nicer. Especially since most of the times it's a state that's loathed and unwanted. It's ruinous. I think a person can only speak for himself. My own gut feeling is that, yes, ideally, we would all like to find that long-sought "soul mate" with whom everything just seems to come together nicely. I think that, ideally, most people would prefer to find someone they could live with, spend time with and make love to on a regular basis -- I think that's basically true. At the same time, I think a lot of people are completely comfortable being alone, and as it has been said, I think that while most people seek or secretly hope to find that ideal companion that I just mentioned, more and more people prefer to live the single life than clinging to someone out of desperation or living with someone they're not entirely happy with just because they feel a little lonely. Honestly, that's how I see it. I would rather be single than to live with someone who doesn't fulfill me, and I admit that I might be a tad shallow for adopting this approach. But then again, I know myself. I know that I grew up as basically an only child (the last of my older siblings moved out when I was about four years old). I got used to spending a lot of time alone as a kid, and I tend to be what I've described as a gregarious loner. I do hope to find someone some day who would understand and accept me as I am, but I'm not really feeling lonely. It's what I'm used to, and honestly, it's what I've grown to like. There was actually a period when I would have been happy to have sacrificed this freedom in exchange for a great relationship, and I tried so hard to get that kind of relationship. I have to admit that in the 2 1/2 year relationship that I had with my past 'soul mate', that it was great and even now I sometimes miss the times we had together. I hope to find that again one day, but I won't settle for anything less. All those years of being alone in my early adulthood I think got me used to being alone even more. I don't mind it at all. In fact, it will take someone quite special to get me to give that daily solitude up. I can only speak for myself, though. I think that's all anyone can do in a discussion like this.
fral945 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 And then there are the primal human needs: to mate, to be hugged, to feel someone else being attracted to you, to have sexual relief... there is nothing that can compensate for an absence of all that. Don't lie to these poor souls! Can you imagine how aggressive a life that's unfullfilled romantically and sexually is for a guy? It's absolutely unbearable, it turns you into a tortured beast. This isn't a part of you that you can just go ahead and ignore. I am the epitome of a single person. I am a loner by nature. I like a lot of time away from people. My hobbies and interests tend to be solitary. I could honestly go days without talking to another human being at times. Bars and clubs have never interested me. Never really had many friends or relationships (didn't have my 1st relationship until my mid 20s). I've lived for myself most of my life. I can tell you now that it sucks (I wouldn't have said that a few years ago, though). A purely selfish life is just as unappealing to me now as a purely unselfish life. And I can tell you that I surely don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Most of those claiming how great the single life is have already been down the relationship road. It's easier to say you're not hungry after you already eaten, even if it was a crappy meal. Try telling that to someone who hasn't eaten in days. After a while being alone starts to wear on you. Coming home to an empty house. No one to talk to, no real places to go. You can try to distract yourself for a while with hobbies, friends, etc., but that will only go so far. In the end, you go to sleep at night alone and wake up alone. I need sex, I need close contact with a woman, I need love. I don't need to be smothered, but I need something. I used to think I didn't need any of that (other than the sex part ). I used to feel like Pluto until a few yrs ago (I'm 28 now). I thought I was ok being single until my 1st experience. That changed my opinion completely. Even though it didn't last long (and wasn't even all that great), I realized that I really craved intimate contact with another human being, and now it absolutely drives me nuts. People have urges, and being alone all the time is just as bad as being with someone all the time. It's like a drug for some people and those are the ones that bounce from relationship to relationship. I'm not saying single isn't good at times, but there is a middle road. Most people never really find a balance and end up going through phases. If you've always been alone you're probably going to desire some sort of relationship (like me). On the other hand, you may have been in a long-term crappy relationship, had an overbearing partner, or are young and have never been in one and still enjoy your freedom, so being alone isn't so bad. I'd pick alone over a crappy relationship or being smothered, but I surely don't want to ever at least try. Is there anyone here who has never been in any type of relationship that can honestly say you wouldn't even want to try it?
J2FT1 Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I wouldn't know, I've never been in a relationship, and I am happy, joyous and always walk around feeling about a million dollars, baby! It is different for mentally weak people. They need to be in relationships because their life has little or no meaning, thats what I've come to discover. Then you being on this forum tells a lot, especially when it's coming from your POV.
amerikajin Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I think most people secretly want some sort of intimacy, but there are a lot of people out there who don't necessarily want everything that comes with a relationship. My sense is that people who a lot of their adult life outside of a relationship become increasingly difficult to date for this reason: because they spend time thinking or imagining what a relationship is like, they end being either too clingy or too distant, but never really strike a balance. We've all read about the 30 or 40-something guy that some lady met on a dating sight who gets on bended knee after the third date and practically throws himself at her because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do. But then you have the 40-year old bachelor guy who can't ever commit to anyone because he doesn't like the idea of actually having to accommodate someone else's schedule. Maybe he likes having sex and an occasional night out during the week or weekend, but doesn't really want to go further than that.
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I think most people secretly want some sort of intimacy, but there are a lot of people out there who don't necessarily want everything that comes with a relationship. My sense is that people who a lot of their adult life outside of a relationship become increasingly difficult to date for this reason: because they spend time thinking or imagining what a relationship is like, they end being either too clingy or too distant, but never really strike a balance. We've all read about the 30 or 40-something guy that some lady met on a dating sight who gets on bended knee after the third date and practically throws himself at her because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do. But then you have the 40-year old bachelor guy who can't ever commit to anyone because he doesn't like the idea of actually having to accommodate someone else's schedule. Maybe he likes having sex and an occasional night out during the week or weekend, but doesn't really want to go further than that. Holy Dinah! 40-something guy with a meet the parents night on the third date...check. Late thirties bach, unable to accommodate anyone else but himself....check.
stillafool Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Wow, if you were to believe 90% of the people in this topic, being single is so awesome that no one should ever even seek a mate! Why does this forum even exist then? Why are there millions upon millions upon millions of accounts from people saying that relationships completes them and puts them in a blissful state of being? Good for those people who love being in relationships! Why do you care that there are millions of single people who like being single? You are finally in a relationship and are happy. Why do you think everyone should feel the way you do? In what kind of ivory tower are you all living? Being single for years and years on end sucks, period. Those people that feel immense pain because they're single and fear that they're doomed, well they shouldn't have to bear with such delusional damage control. It's insulting for them. It sucks for you to be single. So many others love it. I loved being single also before I got married. You sound like a very co-dependent person. You sound like you needed to be married the day you graduated school. I'm glad you found someone. Are you going to ask her to marry you soon? You sound like you need to get married and start a family ASAP!!!! I can't believe how good it feels for me to be in a relationship after having been with nothing but my own devices for eons, the difference is night and day. Much less tension, much less negative thoughts, much less of those interminably dull moments, much more direction... five times less pain... none of these awkward moments where you sit alone in your apartment feeling like doing nothing and seeking for some kind of gratification without ever finding it! I live for myself first and foremost and loves myself and my character immensely, but there're limits to what you can accomplish yourself. I don't know what you mean by the "pain". Where did you get the idea that people who love being single only care about themselves? I know lots of people who are single who do wonderful things for other people through volunteer work. Did you ever do any volunteer work when you were single instead of crying about not having a gf? And then there are the primal human needs: to mate, to be hugged, to feel someone else being attracted to you, to have sexual relief... there is nothing that can compensate for an absence of all that. Don't lie to these poor souls! Can you imagine how aggressive a life that's unfullfilled romantically and sexually is for a guy? It's absolutely unbearable, it turns you into a tortured beast. This isn't a part of you that you can just go ahead and ignore. Where did you get the idea that single people don't get hugged, kissed and sexed? Most I know are getting more than married people. I don't understand your reasoning.
grogster Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 I'm middle-age and happily single after more than 25 years living with the same woman. I don't miss living with someone. I enjoy the relaxed liberties of living alone. For me, living single is living well.
Serph Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Good for those people who love being in relationships! Why do you care that there are millions of single people who like being single? You are finally in a relationship and are happy. Why do you think everyone should feel the way you do? The problem isn't that many people enjoy being single. There's nothing wrong with loving celibacy and the freedom, the quietness that it entails. The problem is that when many guys who are fed up of being single discuss it on places like this, many tell him that he shouldn't actively seek out anything and just be happy that he's living a drama-free single life, or something to the effect. That he doesn't know how happy he should be not to have to deal with anyone's crap, and that he could be in a bad relationship that would just make him suffer. That's what's delusional and insulting. Focusing on all the negative sides of a relationship like that. And I really reckon that many people who claim that they're happy with celibacy when it isn't by choice, aren't really happy of their state. They learned to do the best they could with the disagreeable circumstances of their life, and they post stuff like "oh everything is nice I'm happy to be single" to seek validation and comfort from forums when the little voice inside them sings a different tune. Why should they just cope meekly with celibacy if it exasperates the hell out of them? Why should they risk wasting their youth away by being passive and self-centered? And saying that most of them are unable to be whole as human beings without the validation of a partner is pure bullocks, too. It just gets tiring and dull to constantly be on your own, it has nothing to do with one's self-esteem.
Gatormaniac Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 Where did you get the idea that single people don't get hugged, kissed and sexed? Most I know are getting more than married people. I don't understand your reasoning. Here! Here! Not only more, but a wider array of experiences! Being single is not for everyone, but I'm loving it right now. Perhaps my thinking will change one day, but for now, I'm just going to keep enjoying myself.
stillafool Posted June 19, 2008 Posted June 19, 2008 The problem is that when many guys who are fed up of being single discuss it on places like this, many tell him that he shouldn't actively seek out anything and just be happy that he's living a drama-free single life, or something to the effect. That he doesn't know how happy he should be not to have to deal with anyone's crap, and that he could be in a bad relationship that would just make him suffer. That's what's delusional and insulting. Focusing on all the negative sides of a relationship like that. I don't know where you read that on LS. If someone is in a "no win" relationship they may be advised to move on and meet someone else, but no one is saying to someone who wants a relationship to just forget it and be alone. And I really reckon that many people who claim that they're happy with celibacy when it isn't by choice, aren't really happy of their state. They learned to do the best they could with the disagreeable circumstances of their life, and they post stuff like "oh everything is nice I'm happy to be single" to seek validation and comfort from forums when the little voice inside them sings a different tune. As you can see from Gatormanic's post most single people aren't celibate unless they choose to be. Just because you are not in a relationship does not mean you don't have sex.
monkey00 Posted June 20, 2008 Posted June 20, 2008 Now it seems like I'm the one who isn't really sure of what I want, and that I'm the one breaking girls hearts. It's not that I set out to do it or get some sick satisfaction out of it, but the strange thing is that during all of those years of being single, well, dammit I got used to being single, and I got used to having my space, and you know something...I kinda like it. I hear you man, sometimes I think to myself that I've gotten so used to being single and enjoying having my space that it contributes partly to me being a commitment phobe. Not that there's anything wrong with being in a relationship with someone who you're head over heels for, but when I do meet that right girl I want it to be her I'm exclusive with. I think someone mentioned earlier that people jump in relationships for the sake of being in one or from fear of being lonely. I agree, I've dated some girls like that - they wanted to be in relationships so eagerly to bring meaning into their lives when they hardly even knew me. But seriously, if I decide to be exclusive with someone it has to be progressive overtime and I have to have fun at the same time. Relationships isn't about the status, it's about having fun and enjoying each other's company at the same time. That's why I'm in no rush to being in a relationship with just anyone. I have my family, friends, work, and hobbies to keep my time happily occupied. And because of that I think it's important for relationships to maintain a healthy balance...with time outside of the relationships. It's fully possible to be in one while being on either opposite of the extremes (as in see each other too much, or hardly) as I know some people who are in that situation.
LovelyStyle Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Wow, what a variety of thoughts on this! I'm a female who is nearly 40 and never married. At this age, people will ask you, "How come you never got married? Although I have had several long term relationships, evidently no one has loved me enough to propose marriage, let alone go through all the "pomp" of a wedding. Meanwhile most people in my family and people I know from work and church are married. Some hjave been married, divorced and are now re-married. All in the time I've been living and wondering when Mr. Right and I would fine each other. So I'm extremely sensitive about about still be single. Seemingly unable to change my status. There is apparently no escape from this country's obsession with weddings. Plus, think about how many times a day you hear someone say, "My husband and I" or "My wife and I." As someone here put it, "It sucks being single year after year". Well, being single decade after decade is even worse!
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