Is there really any hope? Honestly?

[thisishowitis]

Been a casual reader of these boards for some time and iv been meaning to spill this, so here goes. im not very good at putting my erratic thoughts into words nor I am i a good writer so excuse the long read.

 

The Past:

 

I used to be an average pre-teen boy with school friends and played good football, but I used to cry a lot when kids made fun of me and my grades were not good. High school was not much better, I was bullied and never really fit in at all. I used to have one good friend from elementary school (was not in my grade so he didnt know my rep) and a few others (went to different schools or they would know how much of a loser I was) but I dont remember really clicking with anyone.

 

In grade 10 I dropped out of my high school because I completely lost interest in it. Skipped most of my classes, most of it to do with people in those classes thinking I was weird, or having to work with other students. I was terrified of working with other students. outside of school when i was with my "friends", i hardly talked very much and when i look back i wonder why they wanted to be friends with me at all.

 

I took homeschooling to finish grade 10 and then, in nov 99, my parents got me the internet. I was instantly hooked to online games and spent every moment of my free time on line. eventually i was limited to a few hours a day and the weekends, but everyday all i wanted was my next online fix. I went to an alternative school that had only around 50 people. alternative schools are special schools for teenage kids with problems, like drug-use, etc etc. everyone in my school was very social with the teachers and each other. except me. all the people at this school reminded me of the popular kids and bullies from my old school so i avoided them. during lunch and break instead of going out back and socializing like literally everyone else in the place i would go outside and walk around the side streets alone, and eat my lunch alone. there were a lot of social events and dances that i never went to. i would skip classes that involved any group activities. luckily the other students pretty much left me alone and i has not required to work with others so i did very well at this school. alone. when i graduated i didn't go to the grad dinner and came out of that school after about 2 years not making a single friend, hardly talking to a single person.

 

I was 19. i took some adult education so i could qualify for college, and when i went i had the same problems with people, the same craving for online games, and as a result i skipped a lot of classes and had to take out a lot of loans to make things up over the course of 3 years. even to this day i have not completed my diploma. I quit college for a while to work, and all the jobs i have worked i always have problems with co workers picking on me, and bad communication with bosses which ends up getting me fired. I hopped around counceling here and there, they all said i had social phobia, but they were of little help. i went to group therapy, but i never talked at all and eventually stopped going. Medication didnt help at all.

 

Where was my family in all this? they did very little. I have absolutely no relationship with my family. I never had one. I dont give a **** about them. Thats just how I feel. My parents, my brothers, my neice and newphew. I feel no emotional connection or attachment to them. I dont remember their birthdays, i dont bother to really talk to them. I don't hug them. im not mad at them. i just don't care. One time a few years ago at a family gathering at a restaurant i actually started crying in front of everyone without saying a word. i just did. i dont remember how i felt. It almost happened again last easter sunday. I used to hide in the bathroom or bring a book to family gatherings and just sit in the corner and read and completely ignore everyone.

 

The Present:

 

I am currently 25 years old. I have never had a significant friendship since I was a pre-teen or intimate relationship ever. I never even kissed a girl or hugged one. Although i think i have made a little improvement over the past few years, im still much the same person i used to be 10 years ago. I live with my parents. Have no drivers licence. Still have no relationship with my family, although i talk to my brothers more. still play online games to pass time. its as if my personal growth and development and maturity were completely put on stasis for 10 years. stunted. my conscious analyzing thinking mind took a nap for 25 ****ing years and just woke up very groggy. a 15 year old trapped in a 25 year old body. a child trying to survive in a world of adults.

 

The biggest improvment between then and now is that i now realize that i have a huge problem and im not normal. before i never thought about it, ever. i dont know wtf i was thinking about to not figure out things were not all right. its like i was completely sleeping and now im just half awake. its like living in a glass ball with tinted glass and the glass suddenly becomes untinted and you can see the outside. you can see life. but you cant touch it. you cant experience it. life just passes you.

 

and now that i look at it, i see how ****ed i truly am. how can i possibly make up for 10 years of absolute neglect to my social and personal development and maturity? i did research online and i know i have the typical low self esteem, no confidence, dont think before i talk, very self conscious, insecure, pretty much social phobia but a lot of other things.

 

iv always tried to blame other people, like my parents and my brothers for their absolute neglect. i diagnosed myself with various personality disorders like schziod PD and avoidant PD because i seemed to meet the criteria, i even thought i was autistic. but at the end of the day, i know i only have me to blame, even though i really don't think so.

 

i want to be committed to rejoining the human race. i really do. but i know it will be hard. does anyone have any advice? recommended books? how to get started?

 

It seems like you're in a tough spot. This world is brutal a lot of the time and sometimes it seems there's no way out.

 

I'm wondering if you have any friends? You could try meeting with some people who play videogames, as someone else suggested. And after that, you could just continue to network and meet new people.

[Vincent21212]

Holy ****! This guy is me up to the age of 19! I'm 25 also, but in my high school years I had but one friend, never kissed a girl or socialized with anybody who didn't warm up to me first. My house got internet around the same time, and I was hooked to online chess, where I was able to socialize only behind a screen. See, I have a cleft lip palate, making me an instant socio-phobe.

 

But one thing changed at 19. I joined the Air Force. I'm not trying to pitch this, but socializing was almost mandatory. It wasn't necesarily heaven in the friend-building department in the beginnig, since you had to say good-bye to any potential friends you meet. But it gives you social training of sorts. I also started working out. I still had a visible cleft repair, but I'd have to worry about that later. Eventually at 21 I got the cleft lip repair fixed better, and kept working out, and I had confidence on how others viewed me physically, which I consider very important since that is THE first impression people have of you.

 

So, today I can't say I'm a 100% success story, I have made a lot of friends over the years, have been in two very serious relationships and a couple of them not so serious, my Airforce years are over and I'm starting college in a couple of weeks. I still have other issues like not being the best at making relationships work, but I'm working to try to figure it out. I tend to sabotage relationships that are seemingly going well. Anyway, in my teenage years, I truly didn't see any hope. I am so lucky I made that one choice that turned my life around. I truly, truly share your sentiments, friend.