Coyote Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 A little more than a year ago, I got into a relationship with Jake* that went pretty well.. at least for the majority of the first year. It started sliding downwards around april and just kept getting worse, but i stuck by him because i felt like this was the first meaningful relationship i had had i quite some time. Our friends were saying that i should stick to it and everything would work itself out.. Around the beginning of last December, there was a full week we didnt talk and then out of the blue, he just dumped me. I took it rather hard for a few days, and then decided that my life wasnt going to get any easier unless i got back up off the ground where I was. I started hanging out with friends, hanging out at the local spots and just enjoying myself, not looking for anything in anyone. I ended up meeting this guy, Cody* and we hit it off rather well. We had a lot of the same interests, i had even met him at Burning Man that year. I didnt think anything serious would ome of it seeing as he was leaving for work again in Vegas in about 2 months.. We ended up spending nearly everyday for the next 6 or 7 weeks together. Now before I continue, I have to explain a problem i have so you understand the rest of the story. I have severe separation issues. I have had them since i was a kid and i see a therapist for it. I can't handle long relationships becasue i cant handle being left alone. I need affection and reassurance. If you've seen Black Snake Moan.. my problem is quite similar to the girls.. For those of you who havent seen it.. shes is rather ****ed up and indulges in drugs and alcohol and is, what some might say, promiscuous, when her boyfriend leaves. she can't help herself, and she hates herself for what she does.. Near the very end of January, Cody* left to go see his mother in California for a week, and i kept constantly telling myself i could make it. because in the the last four weeks, i had fallen rather hard for him. We matched up perfetly in everyway and we brought out the best in each other. When he left.. i holed up with the idea that i could wait for him. 2 days into the week, My ex Jake* called me up and asked if i wanted to hangout with all our friends, we had been friends before we started dating and had agreed to remain friends when we ended it. Thinking i could handle it, i went out and ended up drinking a little to much. I ended up with thoughts of Cody* running through my head and i started losing control.. drinking more to numb the pain from his absense. I ended up sleeping with my ex that night, trying to quell the pain form not having Cody* there.. i left in the morning feeling like sh** knowing that i had betrayed him deeply.. i stayed in the house for the rest of the week until he came back and literally through myself into him when he came back.. I broke down when he left and tried to remove the thought of what happened.. for some reason.. i never told him about it.. i should have and i can't think of any reason why I didn't tell him that i can't handle his absense.. that with him gone, i lost total control.. February rolled around and it hit me that he was leaving on the 10th.. i stayed with him everyday until he left.. spending almost everynight in his arms.. after he left.. i spent the day in a complete funk, not talking to anyone, sitting on the couch, staring blankly, the entire day.. alnost the entire week. i managed to stick out the week without incident. i ended up driving to Vegas the weekend after he left just to see him.. i spent the weekend wrapped in his arms.. the drive back was long and really got to me that i wouldnt see him for weeks.. i ended up driving into town, meeting up with everyone, having a few drinks and sleeping with ex again. I sought him out to replace the emptiness of Cody's* absense. This has been goin on since and just this weekend.. It really hit me what i was doing to Cody* and i was going to come clean about it because he was going to be in town.. However i didnt get the chance because he came into town.. a complete mess.. he had a terrifying two days previously and had driven 12 hours from Oregon to come see me and talk to me... iI didnt want to add to his problems.. so i kept quiet.. i know now i should have said something as soon as possible.. when he left sunday to drive bak to vegas.. i couldnt handle myself and took off to see my ex, a complete wreck.. i wont lie.. i made a stupid move of taking a bunch of pain killers to numb the pain and i dont remember much of what happened.. i had every intention of ending it with Jake* permanently that night but i don't know what happened.. Cody* ended up finding out that night about what had be going on and it broke him.. i feel like **** for what i've done to him.. after everything he had done for me.. he never did anything againtst me, did everything i ever asked.. he was absolutely perfect.. i honestly love himhe really does mean the world to me but i have ruined everything.. i desperately want to fix it with him.. i can't see myself anywhere in life with out him by my side.. i desperately need help.. We talked the nihgt it happened.. and out of my own selfish fear.. i didnt own up to everything.. the next day.. he had been told about everything and it broke me to hear him so hurt.. so broken.. so torn apart.. butchered by the one he loved.. he siad it was over.. that he wanted me to get help.. live up to my words.. that we would be friends.. maybe see where it goes... Im devastated by this...
HeavenScent Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Get as much as help as you can, you certainly need it. It's a good thing that Cody wants to remain friends with you. He would like to see you get better and you should. Don't hurt him anymore than you already did. I feel that each person has the power to stop doing things that will danger themselves, you have that power but you chose not to use it. I understand you have separation issues but what I don't understand is why you went to your ex all the time. Don't you have any girlfriends? Family you can go to instead?
Author Coyote Posted April 8, 2008 Author Posted April 8, 2008 Me decisions to clean up and start over come jsut a little to late.. my girls have been in Berlin for the last 15 month.. and unfortunately.. i have been distanced from my family for quite sometime and have just recently started rebuilding my relationship with them.. it is still rather thinly woven and the combination of their dislike of new love and their lack of trust in me has kept them from putting to much into this..
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