Heartache11 Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 Here I am again. At least the third/fourth time. You would think I'd have learned? I've been on and off with my boyfriend for four years. We started dating when I was 17, he 20, and we lasted into my college years (as I am finishing my junior year now). We've had our shares of ups and downs, break-ups and get back togethers. You can check my history I'm sure. It is always him pulling away though. It's either he needs to be on his own, the distance is too much, we need to have fun on our own, he's unsure, etc. The most recent one we were broken up this past August until November, but still in occasional contact. We got back together in November where he swore to me that he was in this for the long run and he wouldn't hurt me again. That the time apart had made him realize he loved me. And, I'll admit, the past few months have been amazing and the best he has been in a while to me. Of course, I had trouble trusting him. I tried to point out everything that bothered me in the relationship to try and make it work. I guess this got him mad? I'm not sure. Plus, my friends and family dislike him because of all the pain he has put me through. Well, here I am again. Last Monday, he pulled this "he's not sure. I'm scared" stuff. In 3 days, he pulled a 360. He went from nice and caring to distant and unemotional. His explanation this time: he is unhappy with life in general, including me. We are 18 months from getting engaged and 4 years from marriage approximately and he is just not sure anymore was what he said. I asked him if it was a cold feet thing or he didn't love me anymore. He said it could be a bit of both, he wasn't sure what was making him unhappy and it could be a combination. He wanted space for the week since he was going away. I tried my best to give it to him, but he left me hanging and very upset so I texted him once or twice. We then talked over Skype for 2 hours on Saturday and the phone for 20 minutes. He was kind of his cute self. Then the next day he ignored me. He left me in a position where I had no clue if I could contact him. So I called him today, after a brief, decent conversation last night. I asked him if we could talk about what is going on. He got very mad at me and told me I wasn't giving him space. I told him I had no clue what was going on and that I wanted to talk about things. The more I cried and tried to talk about what I was feeling and what was going through his head, the more he yelled and insisted I was being unreasonable for not letting him hang up the phone when he wanted to. I told him we needed to talk, he was leaving me very upset. But he kept insisting on needing to hang up the phone before he got very, very angry. He would call me a b*tch and then apologize. He has a temper problem. We agreed to not talk for a couple days so he can clear his head about us. I'm so scared that he is going to leave again. Although he said this time if he chose to leave, it was most likely for good. He keeps citing the distance is killing him and me being clingy. (He gets mad when I text him four times when he is at a sportings event or something. He used to write my full e-mails while at them in December but now I'm annoying for texting him a few times after he doesn't answer). I feel tossed around and lost. I asked him if he even sees anything good anymore. He says he will always care about me an unbelievable amount and I am an amazing girl, but he just needs time, space, and to be happy again. I asked him if there was even any hope, if he had already made up his mind. He said he wasn't sure. What is going on here? Is this me or something else? I know I need to leave him alone before I make him even more mad. But I feel like he is ignoring my feelings and how this affects me. He can't keep running after four years. I need some input. I am a mess. Thank you.
Eliza80 Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 This sounds so much like me and my boyfriend. We've been together almost four years too, but we're older (I'm in my late 20's, he's in his early 30's). Our first year was long distance, second year and a half living together, and now one year living apart. We have agreed to see other people, but we're still sleeping together, so by no means am I in a position to be giving sage advice. He's always talking about space and how we need to have independent lives from each other; but then we see each other nearly everyday. My family hates him too, and doesn't even like the idea of us remaining friends. I was texting him all the time, talking to him all the time, and always wanted to talk about us. He always accuses me of holding him hostage on the phone. I've gone as far as to go to his house, let myself in, and crawl into bed with him. (Again, I'm not doing so hot here myself.) All it did was tick him off and drive him further away. (Well, he thought me sneaking into his bed was kind of hot.) Now I'm trying to only text him when I absolutely have to, keep our conversations short, and try not to talk about 'us.' When the conversation starts getting bad, stop, and get off the phone as quickly and nicely as possible. Then call a girlfriend and rant, or write it down. He doesn't hear "I love you and I'll do anything to make this work" when you're crying and having an emotional outpour, he hears you saying to him, "You have failed me and make me miserable." (Or at least what my ex says he gets out of these conversations.) I don't understand this men and space crap, but its not going to change. I'm trying to learn to deal with it. But I do think that the more I let go, the more he comes around. At first I swore I didn't want anyone else, and even if he saw other people that I wasn't going to. Bad call, because since I've started seeing someone else, he's been really attentive. I've also made the point that I'm not going to wait forever for him to make up his mind and that I'm going to be happy, with or without him. He can chose to be a part of my life, or not. (Careful on the delivery of this...too harsh and he'll just take offense and think you're giving him an ultimatum.) This is just my current experience, which is still messed up, but the more I behave like him, the more he acts the way I want him to.
brokeninside Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 And what has this guy (or these guys) have that no one else has? I understand the time investment part. It sucks to have that all blown away. But. Uhm - > why don't you turn the tide on him? Put your make up on, put that sexy skirt on with those heels and go dancing. Let him know what your doing if he asks. Let him know its just 'fun'. You see, you girls have a weapon we men don't have. Whereas we have to be the ones actively pursuing the opposite sex, you can do what I said and just pick and choose. Thats power! Trust me! I got blown away by it. He will come running back. I can bet my right arm on it. Don't be clingy - let him know your life will be ok without him. Thats the path to a healthy and respectful relationship in the future, with or without him (most likely without). And why is he calling you a bitch? You need to stand up for yourself with this bozo
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